The Simpsons: An Uncensored, Unauthorized History

by John Ortved

  We were elated, because it’s a you-know-you’ve-made-it-when moment. You’re this lowlife rock-and-roll band, just raping and pillaging from town to town—I say that loosely, not literally—a rock band that’s throwing parties for twenty thousand people a night, and then you see yourself on television on the biggest cartoon of its time. It was the height of the insanity of the cartoon era, for me the equivalent of when we did “Walk this Way” with Run-DMC during the beginning of that era of rap. We always tried to get in on the ground floor of these things, and we were blown away that we were asked to do it.

  It’s pretty much a cookie cutter of the time, when all of this was fresh and new, and we just ripped it another asshole.

  Aerosmith was pretty major, as were U2 (all Bono asked for was a giant glass of vodka—a PA was sent out to fetch him a bottle) and The Who (who played Springfield just before an army of angry badgers lays siege to the town in Season 12), but the biggest coup came in Season 14, where Homer went to band camp, hosted by the world’s biggest rock stars: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Elvis Costello, Lenny Kravitz, and, uh, Brian Setzer.

  Later, when Dan Castellaneta was being interviewed by Conan O’Brien, he recounted how he’d noticed a particular rock-and-roll hierarchy among the superstars. “In terms of lateness you would have Mick Jagger and Keith Richards coming in about forty-five minutes late,” Castellaneta said. “And then Elvis Costello, thirty. Tom Petty, maybe twenty-five. Lenny Kravitz, twenty-three. Brian Setzer, right on time. Michael Bolton came early. And he wasn’t even on the show.” Castellaneta went on to describe Richards—after slurring his way through his lines, tumbler of vodka and OJ in hand—acting totally cordial and offering to take pictures and sign autographs. He signed Castellaneta’s wife’s album “Old Band, Old Part, 2002.” When she asked him why he’s added the year, he replied, “I never thought I’d live to see 2002.”

  HANK AZARIA: They sent me down to greet Mick Jagger when he arrived to record his part, and I said, “Hey, Mick, we’re all thrilled to have you here.” And he kind of blew right by me like I was the greeter, and went [dismissively], “Yeah, we’ll get it.” I knew it was going to get awkward, because I was about to walk upstairs and record with him. And it also made me a little bit annoyed. So before I even thought, I went, “No, I don’t think we’ll get it—I’m just glad you’re here.” And he kind of turned around and looked back at me like, What the fuck did you just say to me? And I was just like, “Hi, I’m Hank. I’ll be recording with you.” So that was slightly awkward.

  There was room for bands that had yet to reach rock-and-roll’s pantheon, including some writers’ favorites. Mike Scully agreed to let Donick Carey’s friends, the members of Yo La Tengo, recorded a version of The Simpsons theme for the closing credits of the episode where Homer decides he’s a hippie and ends up infusing the town’s favorite beverage with hallucinogenic drugs.

  DONICK CAREY, writer/producer, The Simpsons (1996–99): They came in and recorded a great psychedelic version of the theme music. And we put it at the end of the show, which was really fun. Then a couple years later I was touring around with the band and we were in Barcelona. They opened the show with The Simpsons theme done psychedelic style. The crowd in Spain went nuts—they loved it. And I thought, Wow, this thing is really universal.

  Other musical guests have included Phish, Ted Nugent, Smashing Pumpkins, Peter Frampton, Sonic Youth, Tito Puente, Shawn Colvin, *NSync, R.E.M., and inexplicably, on two separate occasions, the Baha Men (of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” fame).

  During Season 13, an episode called “I Am Furious Yellow” was devoted to comic books.q The Simpsons’ writers’ inner dorks could not help themselves, and the grand master of Marvel Comics, Stan Lee himself, was called in. Lee actually has the episode’s funniest moments (he stops by Comic Book Guy’s store and never leaves), especially when he approaches a young nerd carrying a Batmobile (Batman is a creation of Marvel’s rival, DC), asks if he wouldn’t prefer an exciting action figure, and despite the child’s protests, stuffs a The Thing figure into the Batmobile, effectively destroying the toy. When the nerd complains that Lee has broken it, Lee responds, “Broke? Or made it better?”

  STAN LEE, former president, Marvel Comics; guest voice, The Simpsons: To begin with, I’m something of a ham. I love doing cameos. Plus, The Simpsons has always been one of my favorite shows. So when I received the offer to do a cameo there was no way I was gonna refuse!

  The experience knocked me out. However, nothing is perfect. The drawing of me didn’t look quite as much like Brad Pitt as I had expected. The thing that impressed me most was the size and the quality of the creative staff. There must have been more than twenty people around a huge conference table—writers, actors, and producers. And when it was my turn to read my lines, I was in puppy heaven! Honestly, there was so much genuine talent gathered around that table you could have cut it with a knife. I spoke to many of the writers and was pleasantly surprised to find that they were as familiar with my work as I was with theirs. A short time later, Al Jean called and we had a great lunch together. At least, it was great for me. Considering he’s one of the show’s top producers, he’s one of the nicest, most unassuming guys you could hope to meet. Of course, I probably said something wrong to him, or maybe he didn’t like my table manners, because I haven’t been invited back for another guest shot. But hey, one lives in hope.

  Of course, boys being boys, the real draw was always the sports figures.

  LARRY DOYLE: The biggest hullabaloo was when Mark McGwire came in. That was when loads of people who didn’t have any reason to be in the recording booth ended up there. All the girls and all the guys were there. He seems like a nice guy, but he looks like a monster. His arms are as big as your legs—that’s not an exaggeration. Interestingly, the line he had the most trouble with was “Hi, I’m Mark McGwire.”

  DONICK CARY: There’s just certain people. Like, you can work with Mel Gibsonr or Barbra Streisand where you’re thinking, All right, just do the lines and get outta here. And then, suddenly, you’re working with John Madden, who coached the ’76 Raiders! You can barely talk, and it’s … [Laughs] you know, like I’m like a kid in the candy store. But that was really fun. He’s clearly out of his mind.

  Next to sports figures, nothing got the writers excited like recording a comedy legend. Bob Hope was no exception. Conan O’Brien believed that you didn’t want to be in the comedy business without having met Bob Hope, so when the opportunity came to travel to Hope’s house in Toluca Lake and record his Season 4 appearance, Conan leapt.† In a wood-paneled room, featuring photos of JFK and Patton, he and fellow writer Jeff Martin waited for Hope, with Conan resisting the temptation to rifle through his drawers. “We were there for about forty-five minutes,” remembered Conan, “and we’d spent thirty minutes of that waiting for Bob Hope.” Hope did his takes, then made a quick exit. “But then I heard him out in the hallway, headed toward the stairs,” said Conan. “One of the people who works with him said: ‘I just got a call from the veterinarian. It’s time for Junior to be neutered.’ Bob Hope paused on the stairway, and he went, ‘Ah, gee, better let me tell him.’”7

  In Season 15, Prime Minister Tony Blair became the first sitting head of state to ever be a voice on The Simpsons.

  AL JEAN, writer/producer, The Simpsons (1989–present) (to Entertainment Weekly, July 27, 2007): I was lucky enough to direct Tony Blair. He wanted to promote tourism. We had a thing where he was going to give out dogs to people in the airport but they said, “No, no, people call him Bush’s poodle, that’s going to look bad.”

  The Simpsons’ writing room being what it is, how could they resist inviting the world’s smartest astrophysicist, Stephen Hawking?

  LARRY DOYLE: I was the one who got Stephen Hawking on the show.s When I was at New York magazine, Lucy Hawking [his daughter] was my intern. Even though we could have just typed his script into the computer and read it off the computer, because it’s the same program, we went and di
d an actual recording of his chair, which they had programmed his stuff into.

  I flew up to Santa Barbara; he was at some conference up there. And I remember going to lunch with him. It’s really strange having a conversation with him, because you’re talking about something and then he comments on it about five minutes later. Everybody in the room was sort of used to that happening and sort of had the mental playback machine in their head so they could immediately register what he was commenting on, but I got lost sometimes.

  His family seemed to have a sense of humor with him. One of the things he apparently likes to do is tell his driver to slow down. And so his kids once reprogrammed his chair so that when he tried to do that, instead he said, “Go, you bastard! Go!”

  And then there are the intentionally odd guests, those stars who are more cultural relics than out-and-out celebrities: Gary Coleman, Gary Busey, Mr. T, and Adam West.t

  TIM LONG, writer/producer, The Simpsons (1998–): I had an incredible experience when Mr. T was on the show. He was telling me about the scenes in Rocky III where he lost. The reason he lost was that his mother needed money for an operation, and so he was paid to take a dive. And I said, “Well, I don’t remember that in the movie.” And he just looked at me right in the eye and said, “Things you don’t see!” And I thought, Well that’s an interesting way to look at it. He sort of invented his own movie that happened behind the scenes of the actual movie to sort of justify his behavior. He could have been fucking with me, but I was so besotted with him. It was just a magical moment.

  I said to him, “I remember you put out a record called Mr. T’s Commandments.” And somehow he heard that as “Mr. T, please sing ‘Mr. T’s Commandments.’” So he sang me the whole song. And I thought, If I’m killed by a sniper tonight, well, my life would have ended beautifully, because I have been sung to by Mr. T.

  HANK AZARIA: Gary Busey came in to record, and there’s a line in the script where he says [in Busey’s husky, psychopathic drawl], “I’m Gary Busey.” And the stage direction said “crazy insane laugh.” And so Gary Busey comes in to record and he says, “Now why does it say ‘crazy laugh’?” And the guy who wrote it—you can imagine how terrified he was at this moment—he said, “Well, it’s just kind of like, you know, ’cause you’re Gary Busey … you’re so … you’re Gary Busey, man … you’re so happy you’re Gary Busey. You’re just overjoyed by it.” Gary kind of stared at him for a few seconds and went, “Yeah, okay, sure.” He was happy with that.

  In Season 17, The Office creator Ricky Gervais was asked to write an episode, the first time a guest performer had been asked to do this.

  RICKY GERVAIS, guest voice, The Simpsons; creator, star, The Office, Extras: It started when I won the Golden Globe. I was called for an audience with Matt Groening the next day. I went along to Fox studios. And I knew Matt was The [UK] Office’s sort of first industry/celebrity champion. In one of the first interviews I’d done, a journalist said her friend Matt Groening had bought a DVD player that could play British DVDs because he saw an episode of The Office on the plane. So I knew he was a fan.

  Then when I met him, it was an hour of mutual backslapping. “You’re the greatest!” “No. No. You’re the greatest.” [Obviously I am right and they are the greatest.] And there’s no doubt about that. We had a lunch with Matt and Al Jean and all the writers and producers and everything, and at the very end, I was doing the nerdy thing, asking Matt to draw me a Homer. I’ve never asked for an autograph in my life, except that one. He did it on the back of an envelope, which I’ve got framed in my office. (I was jealous of Moby’s. I saw a Cribs and it was Moby, and he said it was his prized possession. I think it was the first Cribs where you actually saw a bookshelf.) And he said, “Would you like to be a guest voice?” And I said, “What are the hours?” And he said, “The hours are really good.” I went, “Of course I would.”

  And we chatted about that, and I said, “Well, I’m not famous enough to be me, and I don’t want to be David Brent,” because it’s not my favorite thing to do a fictional character in a fictional program. So we thought we’d come up with an homage to David Brent, but with a new character, which is what we did.

  I was waiting for the call. And I got to know Al Jean, and I got to know Matt better, and one day I was talking to Al about it and he went, “Have you got any ideas? Why don’t you write it?” And I thought, Oh, my God. That’s one of those jobs where you say yes first and worry about it later.

  It was my girlfriend who said, “Have they done wife swap?” I checked, and they hadn’t, which was nice, because I thought that would really be a mutual ground there: documentary, reality, game shows, TV itself, because I know The Simpsons has done that brilliantly and most of the stuff I’ve done is around that area. And it involved it family unit as well. So I sent some ideas off. I must say it’s a cowrite. Really the only thing that’s wholly mine is the song. I just wrote the song and sent it off to them, the very rough sketch, but it went into their mill and came back a complete episode. And they gave me the credit for it, but I can’t take the credit for it.

  The fact that I got a song in The Simpsons is amazing. Because they do the best songs as well, and I always try to crowbar a song into everything I do, somehow. And it was easy in The Office, because I just made David Brent a frustrated, failed musician like myself, and with Extras we had to think outside the box a little, but then cowriting a song with David Bowie is okay too [laughs].

  The literary community has also embraced The Simpsons. Writers are a snobby bunch, and until The Sopranos, few regarded anything on television as worth watching, except, of course, The Simpsons. In September 1998, the American poet laureate, Robert Pinsky, wrote an editorial in The New York Times Magazine, “My Favorite Show,” declaring that “there is something about The Simpsons that penetrates to the nature of television itself.” Arguing that television is at its most powerful when broadcasting live events, Pinsky saw The Simpsons’ effectiveness in its mastery of the opposite sphere. “It isn’t simply that these characters are not live—they were never alive. Repeatedly, the show mocks and embraces its own genre. It even mocks disruption itself.” Ten years later, Pinsky remains a fan.

  ROBERT PINSKY, United States poet laureate, 1997–2000; guest voice, The Simpsons: Not the type to get immersed in lore and what people call “trivia,” not a nostalgist for past glory, not fond of philosophizing or highflown analysis, I do continue to enjoy and admire the show. It remains an effectively funny, antibullshit device.

  A precursor of the excellent South Park, Jon Stewart, Colbert stuff—the beginning of a golden age for American comedy.

  A gag that never wears out for me is when the characters need to be reminded of hundreds of past episodes—Mr. Burns musing “Simpson, Simpson …” trying to recall him. Instead of the sitcom jumping the shark, it demonstrates that it knows the shark is artificial. In a mark of successful satire, the show will be funny even after the sitcoms it parodies are long dead and forgotten—like those forgotten bad poets, pretentious leaders, and bullshit parsons of the eighteenth century mocked by Swift and Pope.

  The episode where I play a pompous poet named Robert Pinsky was taped on September 10, 2001. I flew out that day on the same flight that went down twenty-four hours later. On September 12, the producers invited me to a table read. On that occasion, we all laughed, then parted with nothing said about “national tragedy,” etc. I haven’t figured it all out, but it remains in my mind a classy response to that event that came to be exploited in certain ways, by politicians and others.

  I don’t know what to make of my 9/11 experience being tied up with the show—it’s a personal oddity or conundrum that I think about. And I do think of those writers and actors and directors as admirable, nonbullshit practitioners of civilization.

  The show has featured a number of great literary figures, including Thomas Pynchon, Tom Wolfe, George Plimpton, and Gore Vidal. In Season 18, a poem Lisa helped Moe to write landed him at the “Word Loaf�
� Writers’ Conference, alongside Michael Chabon, Jonathan Franzen, and Tom Wolfe. Unbeknownst to Moe, Wolfe had actually made an appearance as a Simpson years before (they hadn’t needed his voice) for a sight gag that paid tribute to Wolfe’s unique sartorial style.

  TOM WOLFE, guest voice, The Simpsons; author: I appeared in one [episode] without knowing it. I didn’t even know they were going to do it. Lisa wants to go to the book fair and nobody else does. She seems to be the entire brains in the family. And so they’re there with Maya Angelou. One of the characters at this book festival buys a hot dog, and suddenly there I am in a white suit, and he squeezes the hot dog and the mustard goes all over my suit. And I immediately take off my suit and I have exactly the same suit on underneath. My son was watching it and he said, “Dad, come here! Come here! It’s you.” I didn’t know what he was talking about. And I just managed to catch a bit of that. I don’t have any lines, it was just me.

  The Simpsons was one of the few shows that children loved and adults loved because there were so many layers of humor. Now a child watching that, having no idea who this Tom Wolfe might possibly be, is gonna be entertained by this mustard going all over the suit and the fact that this man has another suit underneath the first one. But if anybody happens to have heard of me, they’ll know that the white suit has a special significance for me, and also must wonder, If somebody has all those suits, how does he keep them clean? And it would be very funny if he doesn’t keep them clean. He just throws them away if they get dirty.