Rocked in Pieces

by Bayard, Clara

  “And then I just came out here to get some air.” Scintillating conversation there, Ellie.

  He didn’t say anything.

  “It’s peaceful, away from the party.”

  Matthew stepped forward and I retreated until I was pressed against the railing as the wind sent my hair flying. He stared at me, his expression unreadable as his face filled my field of vision.

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Say something.”

  “Why are you always watching me?”

  I shrugged, feigning indifference when my heart was about to hammer its way out of my chest. “If you see me watching you that must mean you’re watching me too.”

  “I am,” he admitted. “Every time we’re in a room together I can’t see anything else. But I know why I’m doing it. I want to know why you are.”

  “Maybe it’s for the same reason.”

  He licked his lips and leaned in so close I could feel his breath on my face. “Mmm, I certainly hope so.”

  I opened my mouth but no words came out.

  Matthew smiled. “Now you say something.”

  My entire brain was empty. I didn’t even think that was possible. But there I was, with literally nothing to say. Until one tiny thought sparked to life and escaped out of my mouth before I could stop it. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” His voice was low and melodic. Smooth, just like the way he sang.

  “For the other night.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I…” Oh no, he was going to make me say it. “When I saw you. I… I should have left.”

  He put one hand on my arm and slid it up to my shoulder. It took all the willpower I had to keep from moaning.

  “It’s all right, Ellie. I’m glad you saw me.”

  My eyes went wide, not sure if I’d heard him right. “Why?”

  His fingertips slid softly over my neck. “Because I was thinking about you.”

  My knees locked and nearly buckled. I grabbed the railing behind me to keep from falling. “You were?”

  “I was.”

  They were the most amazing, sexiest two words I’d ever heard. Blood pounded in my ears. He was thinking about me. Touching himself. Was it possible that Matthew Daniels was even more interesting than I’d even dreamed? Quiet and smart and polite and talented. And… kind of kinky? Too much. Too hot.

  While I was musing, he was caressing my jawline. “Your skin is so soft here. And everywhere, I bet.”

  The sound I made was supposed to be noncommittal and cool. It came out more whimpering and pathetic.

  He grinned and leaned in close again. He kissed me softly on the cheek right above his fingers, and I inhaled deeply, memorizing the smell of his skin and his hair.

  His lips traveled up and over my ear. “Next time, open the door and join me.”

  I’m pretty sure I slipped into some kind of erotic fugue state at that point, because the next thing I knew, I was watching his back – and his butt – as he walked back inside and disappeared.

  I stood there for a long time, holding my hand over where he’d kissed me, wishing I’d been able to do something. Say something. And wondering where I’d left my wine. I felt the sudden need for a really big drink. And a cold shower.

  Seven

  The next day I had a terrible hangover, but couldn’t stop smiling. When Steven and I met for a call with our office, he kept looking at me like I’d lost my mind.

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  I sipped at my coffee and nodded. “Fine, just tired.”

  “Then why do you look like you’ve got brain damage?”

  I laughed. “I’m just in a good mood. Glad everything went well last night.”

  “We’ll see,” he replied as the phone beeped, indicating the others were ready for us.

  Throughout the meeting my grin grew wider. Not only had the live-stream of the show led to huge viewer number growth on the rest of the Hot Sheet TV’s content, the buzz everywhere was amazing. New advertisers were flooding in, and the tech guys said we already needed infrastructure updates to keep up with the traffic.

  In fact, things were going so well that the bosses were already in talks with publicists for a dozen bands and actors who wanted to help raise their profiles. And they were scheduling a meeting to see if they could send a second unit to join our tour to generate even more footage.

  I couldn’t believe how amazing it all was. We’d barely begun and were already a huge success. When the call was over I hugged Steven and ordered us a full room service brunch to celebrate. Plus two carafes of coffee since we had another show tonight to cover.

  While we waited, I stretched out on my bed. “So when do you think we should ask for raises?”

  He grunted. “That’s not going to happen. More likely they’ll replace us with a new crew. A more famous face and shittier cameraman.”

  “Why are you so down about this? We’re killing it, bro. We should be proud.”

  “I am,” he said, coming over to sit next to me. “Of course I am. I’m proud of both of us. But there’s a lot of work to come, and plenty of time for failure. Right now the site is shiny and new and exciting. But once it gets to be old news, we’re going to have to come up with bigger news and better stories.”

  “I know that. And we’ll get them. Can’t we just be happy for one morning?”

  “Yeah, yeah. You’re right.” He smiled and tapped at my fingers.

  I squeezed his hand quickly and then sat up. “How things have changed, huh?”

  He nodded, tapping me again. “All those years ago, tapping at each other through the wall, hungry or scared. If you told those kids we’d end up here one day, they wouldn’t believe it.”

  “Seriously.”

  Steven’s expression turned serious. “Hey, let’s never forget that, right? We got here together and that’s the only way to succeed.”

  “I know. You and me.”

  “The only one we can trust and depend on is each other.”

  “Forever,” I replied, as always. But I wondered if it was true. If the world was always going to be against us. If there weren’t others we could let in, more people to count on. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but a few short days had made me hope that years of struggle and pain could lead to better things for both of us. Professionally and personally. Broader experiences, better lives.

  After the show there was another party, but I decided not to go. It was a smaller crowd, and not something we were going to film. Since we were hitting the road in the morning, I figured my time would be better spent packing up and sleeping.

  It seemed like a good plan, but one my brain wasn’t cooperating with. I tossed and turned for hours and finally gave up after two o’clock. I paced my room for a bit and then remembered the swim I never managed to actually get in. Smiling at the memory of what had distracted me, I got my swimsuit on and headed down.

  Like before, the gym was deserted and mostly dark. As I passed the sauna, I couldn’t help but peek in, but this time the room was empty. More than a little disappointed, I sighed and went across to the pool.

  The room was silent and humid. I dropped my robe on long bench against the wall and climbed down the ladder on one end of the long tiled pool. The water was warm and so inviting. I dunked myself and then made my way to the roped off lanes in the middle even though it seemed unlikely there’s be many other swimmers.

  I pushed off the wall and swam a few slow laps, enjoying the feeling of my body cutting through the water and my muscles stretching. After I felt warmed up, I pushed myself a little harder, turning the laps over faster.

  When Steven and I were kids, during one of the periods when our foster parents were taking in kids like crazy, it would get so loud in the house that I thought I’d scream. Always someone crying or yelling. Laughing or singing. Feet running, doors slamming. I would sneak into the master bathroom – the only one with a tub – and run a bath in the middle of the day, and still in my underwear,
climb in and hide beneath the water’s surface. I’d hold my breath and soak in the perfect solitude, where the only thing I could hear was my own heart beating. I would stay there as long as I could before someone found me. I always got in trouble, but I still did it again and again. Swimming alone in that huge pool was a version on a much grander scale and I felt refreshed and delighted.

  Soon my limbs began to tire and my brain calmed itself as I started to feel sleepy. But I still kept swimming for a while, enjoying myself too much to stop.

  Finally, I gave in. My legs were weak and my arms beginning to complain as I finally came up for air and started to climb the ladder. What I saw took my breath away.

  Matthew was stretched out on the bench next to my robe, eyes shut. He was barefoot, wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a white t-shirt.

  I fell back into the water, gasping. The sound got his attention and he sat up, rubbing his face.

  “I thought you were gonna stay in there all night.”

  I blinked and pushed my wet hair out of my eyes. “I didn’t see you there.”

  “I know. I’ve been watching you for,” he looked down at his bare wrist and shrugged. “Quite a while.”

  A smile stretched across my face as the surprise of finding him here wore off. “Why?”

  “You’re a good swimmer.”

  “Thanks.”

  He stood up and walked over to the edge of the pool. “It was hypnotic, watching you swim back and forth.”

  “Oh. But that doesn’t tell me why you’re here.”

  “I wanted to talk to you.” He smiled. “I know, I know. I never talk, why start now, right?”

  I shook my head, careful to keep most of my body underwater. It was silly and vain, but I didn’t want him to see me in my swimsuit. It had long wide stripes of color and I thought it made my belly look like a beach ball. “I wasn’t going to say that.”

  He looked into my eyes. “No, I bet you weren’t. You don’t seem to mind that I’m kinda quiet.”

  “Most people talk too much. Myself included. It’s nice to meet someone who doesn’t feel the need to prattle on endlessly about every bullshit though that crossed their mind.”

  He grinned. “Oh, I do that too, just not endlessly.”

  I laughed. “That counts as an improvement.”

  He raked his hands through his tousled hair and my fingers itched to smooth it down for him.

  “So… how did you know where to find me?”

  “I didn’t.” He sat down, dangling his feet in the water. “I was just wandering around and found my way here. When I saw it was you, I decided to wait.”

  “Oh. What did you want to talk about?”

  “Tomorrow. Or, I guess later today, actually.”

  My heart sank. “You mean the interview?”

  “Yeah.”

  I felt tension returning to my body, starting from my shoulders down. “What about it?”

  Matthew leaned back on his hands, giving me a great view of his chest and arms before he spoke. “The publicists are really hyped about it. I guess the videos or whatever are helping with album and ticket sales. A couple of cities are trying to add second dates to the tour.”

  I nodded. “So you guys are getting pressure to cooperate more.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “It’s easier for everyone if we can just do the damn thing and not argue.” I crossed my arms over my chest, shivering as my skin dried and cooled. “I’m not trying to piss anyone off.”

  “Ellie, I know that. We all know that. And we’re going to try. That’s what I wanted to tell you. We get it now. This is part of our job and we’re gonna do it. But there’s one thing you need to know.”

  “What?” I found myself drifting closer as he sat up and looked at me again.

  “We’ve been really fucked up, but things are getting better. We’re putting ourselves back together the only way we know how – one show at a time. So just… don’t take it personally, okay? You’re not the enemy.”

  “That’s nice to hear, but do the others feel the same way?”

  “They’re getting there.”

  I cocked my head to the side. “Even Rick?”

  Matthew busted out laughing, the sound echoing all around us. “No, he really hates you. A lot. But he’ll get over it.”

  “Okay.” I felt strangely shy. “Thanks for telling me the truth. It helps.”

  He leaned forward. “I haven’t told you the whole truth.”

  My eyes widened. “About what? The guys?”

  “No. About why I’m here. I sort of lied.”

  “Oh.” We were close enough that I could reach out and pull him into the water if I wanted. “Why else are you here?”

  “I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see is your face. I called your room but you weren’t in it. So I took a shot that you might be here.”

  My heart thundered in my chest. “Why?”

  He pushed forward and slid into the pool, clothes and all. “You know why.”

  I backed up a step. “What are you doing?”

  His hot gaze burned right through me. “I don’t want to leave this city without touching you again. I’ve wanted to kiss you from the second we met. Anything can happen any time and life is too short. It might sound crazy but I don’t care. If you tell me to leave I will and I’ll never bother you again, but I… I had to try.”

  I shook my head, stunned. “We’re in a pool. And I look… ugh.”

  He strode closer, but didn’t touch me. “You look beautiful. Wet, dry, whatever. You’re amazing.”

  This was too much. Too perfect. Too far beyond anything I’d even dreamed of, and my brain rejected it.

  “Why are you saying these things?”

  Now he did touch me, sliding one strong hand over my cheek. “You know about the accident. And what happened after. Everyone does. But it… it changed me. I’m tired of living in the background, always being the friend, the other one, the afterthought.”

  “You’re not that.”

  “No, not to you. And it means so much.” He chuckled. “God, I sound like Joe. But don’t think this is all about souls connecting, Ellie. At the end of the day, I think you’re incredibly sexy. And I just really want to kiss you.”

  With that, I changed my mind. It wasn’t too perfect. It was exactly the right amount of perfect. I covered his hand with mine and smiled. “So kiss me.”

  He smiled, the expression lighting up his face, and came closer. His arms closed around me and his mouth descended on mine. His lips were soft as he kissed me lightly, gently, like a question.

  I answered it by sinking against him, wrapping my arms around his waist, gripping the sodden shirt. My lips parted as his fingers touched my bare back and his tongue slipped inside my mouth.

  The kiss started sweet and tentative as we each learned what the other liked, but quickly grew deeper and hungrier. Matthew’s hands roamed my back and sides, pulling me closer and closer to him.

  Lost in desire and the insanity of the moment I forgot about everything. I finally had company in my silent world and it was wonderful. Every swipe of his tongue and nibble of his teeth. Each tiny noise of pleasure and shifting motion spoke volumes to me, more than any words ever could. This kiss, this endless and amazing kiss was a conversation on the deepest level.

  Eventually Matthew dragged his mouth away, panting, and stared into my eyes.

  I laughed shakily. “Is that what you had in mind?”

  He didn’t smile, but amusement joined the arousal in his eyes. “It’s a good start.”

  “Start?”

  He took my hand in his and led me over to the edge of the pool. Disappointed, I reached out for the ladder, but he stopped me. “Wait.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t understand what you want.”

  He grinned. “I want you.” His hand skimmed down my arm. “Come upstairs with me?”

  My mouth was opening to agree before my brain even registered
the offer. This was a bad idea. One kiss in the pool was fine. Amazing. Incredible. But if I went with him, I knew what would happen. What I wanted to happen. What every cell in my body was begging for. It was too much too soon. We’d just met and were going to be stuck together potentially for months. I had to use my brain. I couldn’t let my libido make my decisions. Not now when everything was going so well.

  “No,” I finally said. “I can’t.”

  Matthew’s face fell.

  I grabbed his hand and kissed him hard on the lips. “Not tonight. Not yet. Okay?”

  He nodded and climbed out of the pool, holding out a hand to help me after him.

  I took it, not even caring about how much I must have looked like a fat, wet dog. I shrugged into my robe and squeezed as much moisture as possible out of my hair before looking up and gasping.

  Matthew had removed his wet shirt, and I got an up close view of his body. Skin glistening like it had in the sauna, calling up pleasant memories. But this time I didn’t have to just watch. I could touch. So I did.

  I stepped up to him and ran my hands over his chest, memorizing every long, lean muscle under his soft skin. And the best part was, he just stood there, letting me play. No complaints about my teasing even though I could see his erection straining against the wet fabric of his shorts.

  My fingers slowly caressed his ribs where I swore I could see the remnants of a bruise. And then over downy line of hair under his navel that disappeared in his waistband.

  His chest was heaving and his hands curled into loose fists against his legs.

  I looked into his eyes and rose up on my toes to kiss him on the lips softly. “Rain check?”

  “Anytime.” He smoothed down my hair and stepped back. “Sweet dreams, Ellie.”

  And sweet they were, filled with his face, his lips, his hands.

  Eight

  In the morning I packed and dressed quickly, after oversleeping for reasons that kept me smiling, even as I rushed. Steven and I rode in a car together over to the venue for what my schedule said was the “Grand Sendoff.” Whatever that meant. It was yet another publicity event, where fans of the tour could wave goodbye and take pictures while the performers on the Bright Dark Dreams tour boarded their buses and left for the next city.