by Roslyn Bane
***
Kris and Sam stood facing each other over the table. “You lied to me!” Sam slammed her hand down onto the table.
“Sam, let me explain,” Kris pleaded.
“No. Every day since we met you’ve lied to me. You knew who I was. You knew what happened. Well, I don’t need you. I don’t need you checking up on your patient.” Sam kicked a chair out of the way.
“No! That’s not the way it is.”
“Bullshit! I don’t need you assuaging your guilt over what happened to me. And I certainly don’t need you in my bed for a sympathy fuck. Isn’t that an ethics violation?” Sam shouted.
“What? I’m not checking on a patient. Sam, I didn’t realize, not at first who you were. I don’t feel guilt over what happened to you. Your leg was ruined no matter what. What was I supposed to do, leave you to die? Or should I have pulled the trigger on your weapon, like you asked, and ended your life?” Kris picked up a paperweight and shifted it from hand to hand while she paced. She slammed it down. “Sympathy fuck? How dare you!” She stalked over to the window, spun around “How dare you imply that I would do such a thing. How could you reduce what we’ve shared to…to a sympathy fuck? If anyone’s been lying it’s you. Most of the time you shut off your emotions. You’re so busy worrying about your image as the tough Marine.”
“What we’ve shared is a lie. I’m just a patient. How many other—”
Kris pointed a finger at her, “Don’t you say it. Don’t you even imply it. I have never gotten involved with a patient. Never.”
“Well, from where I’m standing it sure looks like you did. What was this, some prolonged medical checkup to make sure I was doing all right? Then, when you’re sure I’m doing okay you walk out? Well, let me tell you something, Doctor. I’m fine. I don’t need you checking on me, making sure I eat right and am taking care of myself. I’ve adjusted very well. So, piss off.”
“Sam, let me explain.”
“Explain? Explain what? How you couldn’t be honest with me? How you thought I was so weak that you couldn’t be honest about your part in this. That you did it!”
“Dammit, Sam! I’ve done the right thing my entire career! You think I didn’t worry about this? I know it was right on the edge of what some would consider inappropriate. But I didn’t recognize you in the beginning. And by the time I did, we were already friends. I didn’t plan to become your lover. What was I supposed to do? How was I going to tell you that I did this to you! I know it was the only way to save you. But how do I say, ‘I took your leg,’ when I’ve seen how much you’ve suffered? How hard you’ve worked to overcome everything?”
“Sam, look at me. I know how guilty you felt about losing your men. I see how you’ve struggled with that. Knowing how I was hurt wouldn’t have helped you.”
Sam placed a hand on her chest trying to quiet the pounding of her heart. Her head throbbed. She stared at Kris but remained quiet.
“Sam, I am sorry.”
“I don’t want to hear your lies.” Sam stalked to the door, pulled it open. “Get out! I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t come near me again. If you call me, if you so much as look at me, I’ll report you for an ethics violation. What you did was wrong. You don’t mess with people like this. I’ll never forgive you.”
“Sam, please.”
Sam stepped aside and gestured to the door. “Get out! I never want to see you again!”
With tears running down her face Kris walked to the door. She paused and reached out a hand toward Sam. “Sam, please—”
Sam slapped her hand away “Get out!”
Kris jerked back with the contact, lowered her head and hurried out the door. She paused for just a moment and looked back. Sam slammed the door behind her and set the lock.
Chapter Fifty-six
DR. JAMES PLACED KRIS’ chart on the exam table. “The skin graft has healed well. Your suture lines are fading and have matured nicely. The scars are fading and no longer tender. You have full motion and strength in your arm, and the chest muscles all work well. Do you get any shortness of breath when walking or exercising?”
“Nothing that’s unexpected.”
“Are you sleeping well?”
“I’ve had a few rough nights. I have a lot on mind. I need some time to figure things out. When can we proceed with the reconstruction?”
“Whenever you’re ready. If you recall I said that this would be done in several phases. Your graft and muscles appear to have healed well, so the next step is to insert a tissue expander. This goes under the chest muscle. The expander has a port that is built into the front of the expander through which additional saline can be added. Over the next few months, we add saline to it. This gradually stretches the skin and the muscle to help form a pocket that will later support the permanent implant. Are you thinking of enhancement or reconstruction?”
“No. I don’t want to be larger, just symmetrical.”
“Okay. Although it won’t be absolutely identical. Most women do have one breast slightly larger than the other.”
“I understand.”
“Of course, you do. You’ve performed reconstruction before.”
“A few times in residency. None recently,” Kris said without emotion.
“Things have probably changed since you did the procedure. You’ll need about four surgeries. “
Kris sat quietly for several seconds lost in thought.
“What are thinking about?”
“I never thought about the next step. With my patients, I did my part. I removed their breasts when there was cancer. I made sure they healed, and that they went to oncology and eventually to plastics for reconstruction. But I didn’t check, not really, to see if they were healing emotionally. They had to be scared. They had to be overwhelmed. I thought I understood what they felt. I didn’t. I didn’t have a clue.”
“Kris, when we find ourselves in the same situations as our patients, we grow.”
Kris sat silently and nodded her head.
“Do you have any questions?”
“If I start this here can I complete it elsewhere? I may be getting orders soon.”
“That would be unusual. It’s not unheard of. Although if you’re going back overseas—”
“No. It would be here in the States.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem. Well, take some time to think about what you want to do.”
“I want it done. I want to get this started as soon as possible.”
“Okay. Get some sleep Kris, you look exhausted. You’ll need to have someone available to help you the first few days after surgery.”
“I’ll get that arranged.”
***
Sam eyed the landing zone and lowered the collective allowing the helo to descend. She pulled back slightly on the cyclic keeping the nose up, the engines rumbled, and the light flickered as the rotor blades spun. They were coming in fast for a grab and go, picking up the wounded and their corpsman and lifting off again as soon as possible. “Do you see our pick up?”
“Roger that, Major, they’re off the nose about 500 meters, down behind those rocks. If you can bring us around a little to the right, they can run for the door. We’re ready back here. Mitchell is on the gun. Roberts is on the door.”
“Thanks, Chief. Lieutenant stay sharp this should be fast, watch for overhead traffic.”
There was a gentle thud as the wheels touched down, and the helo settled fully onto its landing gear. Sam’s hands remained in position on the flight controls, ready to take off soon as she got the word from her team in the back of the bird. Two teams of two raced toward the chopper carrying stretchers, their weapons slung over the shoulders. Five seconds later another team raced out. This stretcher was carried by three. She watched in shock as the litter dipped and one of the smaller soldiers fell. They slowed momentarily to adjust their grip on the stretcher but kept moving. The figure on the ground sprung up and took a quick glance around before making eye contact with Sam. It was a
woman, determination was on her face, as she started to run toward the chopper.
Sam gasped, “Fuck it’s Kri—” Sam screamed as she saw the explosion. She cried out when Kris was propelled up into the air, cartwheeling with the force of the blast. Even while she was airborne, Sam could see her legs were gone. Terror filled Sam as she watched Kris slam onto the ground. Her body bounced once and lay still. Sam screamed, pulling at her harness to get free. She took one step and slammed onto the ground.
Sam found herself on the floor in the dark. Her heart was racing, her breathing was harsh, and after several seconds she realized there were tears on her face. She brushed them away and rolled over, untangling the sheets wrapped around her thighs. She pulled herself to a sitting position and sat back leaning against the bed. Quietly she sat in the dark, and let the shakes course through her body. Her hip and elbows hurt. Her unleg was throbbing, and after a few seconds, she realized she tasted blood.
Sam crawled to the bathroom where she pulled herself to a standing position at the counter. Turning on the light, she looked at herself. Her skin was a ghastly pasty white, her pupils dilated with fear, and her hair was damp with sweat. As she splashed water on her face, her hands trembled. She swallowed a pain pill before turning her attention to her throbbing stump. Pulling out the hand mirror she examined her leg and, once satisfied there was no further injury, she turned off the light and crawled back to bed.
Sam lay quietly in the dark and tried not to think about the dream. She waited for daylight to come and hoped she would slip quietly into sleep. She momentarily considered talking to the psychologist about the dream, but realized she would have to admit to having a relationship with Kris and that she wasn’t willing to do. She slid down under the covers, punched at her pillow several times, and drifted into a restless sleep.
Chapter Fifty-seven
KRIS WAS NAUSEOUS AND exhausted, she had tossed and turned all night. Looking at herself in the mirror, her ghostly reflection was barely recognizable. Dark circles under her eyes stained her flesh. Her cheeks were gaunt and hollowed. She rubbed her hands across her aching stomach. Her eyes were wide with…fear? Would Sam report her? Would her behavior be deemed unethical? Was it? Was someone you treated half a world away one time still your patient? She had thought about this question a thousand times through many nights. She didn’t like the answer. When she had first seen Sam, in rehab, she hadn’t recognized her. But she had been drawn to the strong silent woman who was fighting quietly and fiercely around the more vocal men.
Kris jumped when someone pounded on her door. She pulled on sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and before she reached the door, a knock sounded again, and a gruff voice called out. “LCDR Matthews, open the door now!” Kris moved toward the door, took a deep breath and with a trembling hand reached out to open it, her career was over.
Kris stood in shock and blinked several times before she recognized the person standing before her. Her brother laughed out loud. “Geez, sis, you look like you were facing your executioner. How the hell are you?” He grabbed her, enclosing her in a bear hug and spun her around. She wrapped her arms around him and burst into tears. He held her tight and lowered her to the ground. “Easy, sis, I know it’s been awhile, but I’ve been where it’s safe.” He patted her back. “Are you okay? If I’d have known you missed me this much I would have visited sooner.”
She let go and wiped the tears from her face. “God, I missed you, Tommy. Come on in” She looked up and down the street before she closed the door, and led him into the kitchen “Do you want some coffee?”
“That would be great.” He looked at the bottle of bourbon on the counter, gestured to it. “Rough night?”
“Yes.” Her eyes followed his to the bottle. “Don’t worry, I only had two. What brings you to town?” She measured coffee into the machine, poured in the water, and turned it on.
“I had a legal conference in Raleigh this week and thought I’d come over this way to visit before heading down to Hilton Head. A couple of the guys are heading down for some golf. I wanted to take my old bike if you don’t mind, and leave my car here.”
She pulled mugs from the cabinet. “Sure, go ahead. Since when do you golf?”
“I don’t. I’m staying on the beach to check out the pretty girls, while the guys chase some silly white ball around. While they’re bitching about their golf game, I’ll be surrounded by scantily clad girls.”
“That’s the brother I know.”
“And I know my sister. What’s wrong?”
“I screwed up, Tommy. I seriously screwed up.”
“Come on, sis, you never screw up. You’re Miss Reliable. Commander Cool.”
“I’m not joking. I might…” Her eyed filled with tears, overflowed. “I messed up. I might lose my commission. I could even lose my license.”
“Yeah right.” He stared at her. “Christ, you’re serious. What the hell happened?”
Kris grabbed a paper towel, blotted at her eyes. “I …I got involved with a patient.”
“No, you didn’t.” Kris remained quiet. “Shit. Krissy what were you thinking? What happened?”
With shaking hands, she poured coffee into two mugs and handed him one.
They sat down at the table, “I don’t know where to start.”
“How about at the beginning, when you met this patient.”
“I met Sam twice.”
“Sam? Did you switch sides? When did you start dating men?”
“Samantha. She’s a Marine Major. Helicopter pilot. Or was. I guess she still is for now. Be quiet and let me tell you.” She took her time and told him the story. It felt good to tell him the story again because it helped her feel closer to Sam. She finished and wiped her eyes.
“And you didn’t tell her?”
“No.” She heard his quick intake of breath.
Tommy leaned back when she’d finished. “I see. So, other than when you were over there you haven’t been her doctor? You haven’t been involved in her care?”
“Not unless she asked me to.”
“What does that mean?”
“That she asked me questions a couple times about things. I offered my opinion. Only if she asked. I tried to get her to ask her medical team. I felt uncomfortable—”
“If you felt uncomfortable, why didn’t you tell her that you had done it, the amputation?”
“I was advised not to. But deep down, I didn’t agree. The psychologist didn’t know that Sam and I were friends. I should have, and I don’t know why I didn’t.”
“You don’t know?”
“Dammit, Tommy! I screwed up. I should l have. I knew it then, I thought about it several times. I just couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“I…I was afraid…I didn’t want to lose her as a friend. We became lovers, and well it was too late.”
He took her hand, gave it a squeeze. “That wasn’t smart. She’s feeling deceived.”
“Yes.” Tears streamed down her face.
He shifted and pulled her next to him, holding her while she cried. She calmed, and he spoke in a quiet, soothing voice. “I think if I were her, I would be pretty mad. She probably feels like you had all the power in the relationship.”
“But I didn’t.”
“Yeah, you did. You knew the truth. And you failed to share it with her. You didn’t give her the option of backing away. I can’t imagine anyone would be pleased with that power imbalance. Especially a Marine. I’m betting the female ones are as gung-ho as the males are.”
She wiped at her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “You’re right.”
“Um, who made the first move? Sexually?”
“It was mutual. Pretty spontaneous.”
“So lesbians have quickies too?”
“Yes. But it wasn’t like that. We…God, this is embarrassing. We were going out. Eventually, we made it to bed.”
“Eventually?”
“Yes. We both had some issues…about how we looked.
”
He pulled his lips tight across his teeth and looked down into his coffee. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“But it was mutual.”
“I…I don’t think this is considered fraternization.”
“It’s not. We’re the same rank. Different chains of command.”
“And since don’t ask, don’t tell is gone, that’s not a problem.”
Kris stood up and looked at the window. “That’s gone. We can serve. Not everyone is accepting.” She turned around and looked at him. “I’ve always been discreet.”
“But that still leaves the question of whether it violated doctor-patient relationships. I have to tell you, sis, that’s a good question. I think you’re going to be okay. You treated her once under an emergency situation, and you haven’t been involved in her medical care since. I’m not saying that to relax you. I think you’ll be okay. I know you’ve never done anything like this before.”
“Oh, hell no.”
He stood and refilled his coffee. “You’re worried she might report that? A breech of doctor-patient relationships.”
“Yes.”
“You already know that some people would look at it that way. “
“I do. I’m not proud of it.”
“I know.” He came over and hugged her. “You’ll get through this. Right now, you’re primarily scared. But under it all, I know you’re hurting. It was more than physical, wasn’t it?”
She nodded her head. “Yes.”
“What happened with Shelly?”
“She cheated on me when I was over there. It continued when I got back. She started…” Kris stopped, cleared her throat, “She started drinking more than usual. She got mean when she drank, and she got violent a few times.”
“She hit you?” Tommy asked, anger thick in his voice.
“Pushed, shoved. Bullied. This was happening while I was in counseling. I eventually kicked her out. Not long after that, I realized who Sam was.”
