by Roslyn Bane
“Nothing’s perfect.”
Sam stood and watched as Lauren, her sister in every way but blood, looked her over closely. Sam fidgeted while Lauren stared into her eyes. Before she could say anything the door opened again and Lauren stepped back to make room for her mother and father to welcome Sam home.
“Welcome home Sam.” Nancy and Jim hugged her. “How was your trip?” Jim took her suitcase and led them into the house. The smell of brownies was heavy in the air and the underlying scent of lemon. Sam noticed some changes to the house since her last visit.
“You got new furniture.”
“Sure did. And there’s a new TV in the back room,” Nancy said, rolling her eyes.
“Dad finally joined this century and got a flat screen,” Lauren teased.
“Hey, the other one worked just fine,” Jim defended himself.
The friendly banter continued, and soon they were sitting outside enjoying frozen margaritas and nachos. The afternoon drifted by as they caught up with each other. They ate dinner outside, surrounded by tiki torches that cast their flickering light around the patio and warded off mosquitos. A few neighbors stopped by to visit and welcome Sam home. Hours later, Jim and Nancy said good night, and Lauren went inside and made another batch of margaritas. She brought the pitcher and fresh glasses outside and salted the rim before filling them. Handing one to Sam she spoke quietly, “What happened with Kris?”
“I’m not talking about it.”
“Fine. How are you doing?”
“I’m getting back to normal.” Sam drank from the frosty glass and licked the salt from her lips. “Ooh, that’s good.”
“This is a no bullshit zone, Sam. It’s just the two of us.”
“I’m doing good. I like my house. I’m back in the squadron. I had my medical board and am waiting for the results. In a few days or maybe a few weeks I’ll find out if I get to stay in.” She took a large swallow of margarita. “I had the bike modified so I can ride—”
“What? Don’t you think that’s a little dangerous? You already lost one leg.”
“In a helicopter. I’m not giving up the bike.”
“But Sam—”
“No. Drop it. It’s one of the things that kept me sane. It gave me something to look forward to. Something for me to aim for once I was back on my own. And it’s helped me get through the last few weeks.”
“What’s so hard about the last few weeks?” Lauren sipped her drink and licked the salt from her lips.
Damn, I walked right into that one. Sam looked at the condensation forming on the glass, stroked her finger through it, and took a large swallow of her drink. She shook her head as it throbbed against the sudden rush of cold.
“What happened with Kris? Mom and Dad won’t ask, but we can see you’re hurting.”
Sam drew her lips tightly closed, “You always saw too much.”
“What happened?”
Sam shook her head and rubbed at the aching spot in her chest. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“She really hurt you. You finally let someone get close enough to you, to let you feel something meaningful—”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sam grumbled and tried to push up from the table but the drinks through the day had caught up with her. She stumbled slightly and sat back down. Glancing over she saw Lauren’s dimples crease. “You think this is funny?”
“I’m not making fun of you, Sam. I’m worried. Tell me about what happened? You two seemed so happy at Thanksgiving.’’ She topped off Sam’s glass and sipped at her own.
Sam remained quiet, stared at the ground, almost burning a hole in the concrete patio. She could wait out Lauren’s curiosity.
“Sam, you can sit there the rest of the night trying to ignore me. You’ve been away long enough to forget that I am more stubborn than you. I can wait all night.”
Sam gave her an icy glare and sighed. “She lied to me.”
“About what? What was so big that you would break up with her?”
“She was the doc who did my amputation.”
Lauren’s quick intake of breath, revealed her surprise. Sam paused and pinched hard on the bridge of her nose, trying to stop the tears that threatened. “She came out to the crash site where I was trapped and cut off… cut off my leg to get me free. On the way to the medevac chopper, she was hit. Her arm, and ah…ahm…her left breast were almost completely destroyed. She had a collapsed lung and almost didn’t make it. They did muscle and skin grafts to close her wounds. There’s a lot of scarring.” Sam swallowed hard as she realized Kris could have been killed because she had chosen to come to help her and her men.
“Wow. That’s…I can’t imagine.” Lauren shook her head slowly.
“She said she had hypnosis to help her remember some events…said she didn’t realize it until after we were friends that she’d done my amputation.” Sam wondered what had been so hard about her amputation that Kris had been injured mentally from helping her.
“Dear God, she got hurt helping you.” They sat quietly each reflecting on what Sam said. Sam finished her margarita and poured more of the half melted concoction into her glass, sat back, and sighed. The glass spread the rings of condensation across the table as Sam moved it around aimlessly. Bile rose thick in her throat as her chest tightened. She recalled the swelling and deep bruising on Kris’ arm the first time she’d seen her. The pain etched on her face as she’d walked down the hospital hallway.
“I don’t know what to say. This is unbelievable.” Lauren held her hand over her mouth and rubbed her lips.
“She should have told me.”
“Told you what? How she got hurt? Or that she did your amputation?”
“Both,” Sam replied angrily.
“I disagree. I understand that you’re hurt. But telling you how she got injured had the potential to undermine you. To cause you to feel guilty. She probably didn’t want to put that burden on you.”
“That’s what she said. But she should have told me she did the procedure.”
“Why? It wouldn’t have changed anything. Did she have amnesia about this?”
Sam thought it would have changed things. She wouldn’t have gotten involved with Kris, and she wouldn’t be feeling this pain and guilt. How could she ever look at Kris, and not see the scars that were a result of her actions? How could she not acknowledge that Kris’ five-year relationship had failed as a result of her injuries?
“She had no memory of it. It was one of several incidents that she needed help recalling. She said it took the psychologist visits to remember what had happened.”
“Were you already doing things together when she remembered?”
“Sort of, but we weren’t dating.”
“But you were friends. She was probably worried about you breaking off the friendship. Sounds like you were both pretty fragile and needed the friendship.”
“But…”
“No, Sam. No buts. I think I would have done the same. No good would have come of her revealing how she got hurt.”
“She should have told me.”
“Fine, let’s say she did tell you. Would you have let the relationship develop more?”
“No.”
Lauren rubbed her lips and studied her sister. “And if you hadn’t it sounds like you would have missed the support she gave you and the good times you shared when you most needed them. You might not want to admit it, but she helped you heal. And I don’t mean your leg. I mean your heart.”
Sam’s chest tightened, and her stomach swam with a vague sickness. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, come on. I’ve never known you to date someone over three months. And I’m using the word date very loosely.”
“I date.”
“Yes, but this time you actually got attached to someone. You finally let your guard down and risked something. From the little you’ve shared in the past, you always kept things light, no promises, no strings attached. Kris made you feel wor
thy of love. And you’ve been afraid of getting involved with someone, loving someone, and having them leave. Like your father did.”
“This has nothing to do with my father.” But it does. You said exactly that to Kris. ‘What was this, some prolonged medical checkup to make sure I was doing all right? Then, when you’re sure I’m doing okay you walk out?’ Sam’s stomach sank with the realization that perhaps it may have something to do with her father.
“You push people away before they can get close. That way it doesn’t hurt if they leave. You push them away so they can’t leave you first.”
“She betrayed me. She lied to me.” Anger dripped from her words.
“She did it to protect you. You’re letting that be your excuse to walk away because you’re afraid of getting hurt.” Lauren placed her hand on Sam’s forearm and gave a gentle squeeze. “When someone can bring strong emotions such as love to the surface, they also have the potential to hurt you severely. Love is a vulnerability. She was able to hurt you because you love her and felt loved by her. Even if you were probably too damn stubborn to admit it to her.”
Sam opened her mouth to speak and snapped it closed. I did tell her. Then everything fell apart. She guzzled from her glass and refilled it.
“What happened after you found out?”
“We argued.”
“Did she explain what happened?”
“She confirmed it. She tried to justify it. Just like you. I told her we were through. I didn’t want to see her again.”
Lauren slammed her hand on the table. “Put yourself in her shoes. You said she didn’t recognize you at first. How would you have felt if she had just walked away and said nothing? Or told you she did your amputation and just left? Tell me something, didn’t you ever recognize her? Did you ever get a feeling that she was familiar?”
Sam was quiet, as she remembered the occasional flashes of déjà vu.
“Oh, Sam. You can be your own worst enemy. Think about it. You’re looking at what happened later and ignoring the fact that everything was happening while she was injured too. That she was going through some heavy shit also. You felt fear. Don’t you think maybe she was afraid too?”
Sam rubbed at the back of her neck, as her mind raced. She mumbled weakly, “I can’t trust her.”
“You’re a fool.” Lauren’s voice was throatier than normal, and she shook her head in frustration. The words were like a kick to Sam’s gut.
“Fine. I’m a fool,” she snapped.
Lauren shook her head and growled. “You’re so damn stubborn! Did you call her? Did you ask her why she didn’t reveal everything? I’ve seen you when you’re angry. You’re scary.”
Sam flinched and went cold as she thought about the abuse Kris had gone through after she got home. What she had done when Kris was trying to explain. How Kris had reached for her hand and she had slapped it away. Kris had flinched and backpedaled. She’d hurried out the door, head down, shoulders stooped. Oh, God. I frightened her. She left when she thought I would hurt her.
“Tell me something, did you get up in her face and shout like you used to? Or did the Marines train that out of you?”
Heat rose on Sam’s face, and she felt weak. She covered her eyes before dragging her hand across her mouth and chin. She was silent as shame, confusion, and anger swirled inside her. She took a sip of the drink and felt the burn of alcohol in her stomach. Sam looked away.
“I’ve known you a long time. You’re pretty damn stubborn, and you put up this big defensive wall, but inside you have this fragile spot. We all have one. Tell me something. Are you hurting more because she didn’t tell you everything, or because she’s out of your life?”
“Because she’s gone.” Sam swiped at her eyes, stood and staggered slightly. Scowling she looked at the melted drink and dumped it onto the grass. “I fucked up. I can’t think any more I’m going to bed.”
“Let me help you up. And don’t try to push me away. You fall over drunk, and I’ll leave your sorry ass out here with the skeeters and the hounds.”
Sam swayed on her feet but accepted the shoulder to lean on as she stumbled inside. It took several minutes, but they staggered up the stairs together. “I don’t know how to forgive her…how to love her.” She staggered toward the bed and pulled her shirt off before collapsing onto it. Lauren pulled off her shoes, and placed a blanket over her and closed the door softly behind as she left the room.
Chapter Sixty
TWO WEEKS LATER
SAM RAPPED ON THE door frame of her commanding officer’s door. “You wanted to see me, sir?”
“Yes, Major. Come on in. Close the door.”
Sam did as he ordered, walked to the Colonel’s desk, and stood at attention. “At ease, Major.” Sam relaxed slightly. “I have some good news for you, Sam. You have been accepted for retention. I don’t have official orders yet but I understand that you are slated for the Naval Research Lab up in Washington, DC. You’ll be in the aeronautical research division. You can put that aerospace engineering degree from the Academy to good use.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“I’m sorry we weren’t able to retain you in the squadron.”
“I understand, sir.”
“When you get up there, keep in mind that the Academy is close by. Build some relationships there, Major. If you play your cards right in a couple of years, you could end up as Academy staff and finish out on retirement.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, Colonel.”
“I’ll update you when we receive your orders.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“That’s all.”
Sam returned to attention and left his office. A sense of relief washed over her. She was staying on active duty. Sam felt like jumping and shouting out but controlled herself as she walked down the hall.
“Hey, Sam, you look happy this afternoon. Did you get good news?” one of the pilots asked her.
“Hey, Monster. I did. I’ve been retained.”
“That’s great.” He reached out and gave her a slug on the arm. “Congratulations. You going out to celebrate? I have a night flight tonight, but let’s get a beer tomorrow, okay?”
“Sure thing.”
“I gotta go.”
“Have a good flight,” she called after him.
Sam drove home and went for a run to burn off some extra energy. She wanted to celebrate, to tell someone. Restless, she paced around the yard, and fingered her phone. Should I call? Perhaps it’s time. I screwed things up. Don’t call, just go. Face-to-face would be best. I’ve changed. Not just my body, that was easy. I’m letting myself feel. Some of it sucks. Lauren was right. I’ve never let myself love because it would make me vulnerable. My father scarred me. Am I going to let his actions rule my life?
Sam pulled up in front of Kris’ house in time to see a lean, red haired woman enter. She sat stunned. Kris had found someone else? A spike of anger rose in her stomach, and before she realized it Sam was walking up the sidewalk. She rang the bell not knowing what she was going to say.
The door opened, and the redhead appeared, “Can I help you?”
“Is Kris here?” The anger in her voice had the woman flinching. Sam made an effort to calm herself. “I’d like to speak to with her.”
“Kris? You must have the wrong address no one named Kris lives here.”
“Kristine Matthews.”
“No, I’m sorry.” She started to close the door and stopped. “Wait. You mean the Navy doctor? She moved out. My husband and I bought the house. We were just going to rent, but at the last minute she decided to sell. The timing worked great for us.”
Sam stood quietly, her thoughts racing, as she tried to comprehend everything. “Do you know where she went?”
“Sorry, I don’t.”
“Well, I’m sorry to bother you.” Sam started to turn away but stopped. “How long have you lived here?”
“We’ve been here a month.”
“Okay. Sorry to bother you
.” Sam walked away. The hope she had been feeling was replaced with a deep ache.
***
Sam walked into the clinic and looked at the signs on the doors to find Kris’ office. She retraced her steps and stood outside the door that now read Lieutenant Commander Murphy.
“Can I help you, Major?”
“I’m looking for Doc Matthews.”
“Sorry. I don’t recognize that name. Perhaps a different floor?”
“No, it’s this one.”
“No one here by that name. But I’m new. Let me check.” He turned “Hey Smitty, we got a Doctor Matthews around here? Major wants to see her.”
The corpsman walked around the corner. “Hi, Major. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you down here. You’re looking good, ma’am.” He blushed. “Well, I uh. I mean you look healthy, fit.”
Sam grinned. “Thanks. I know what you meant. I feel good. Is Doc Matthews here?”
“Sorry, Major, she shipped out about six weeks ago. Up to Bethesda. Anything we can do for you?”
Sam improvised, “No. I just wanted to thank her for helping me out with my medical evaluation board.”
“You’re staying in?”
“I am.”
“Congrats, Major. I know she would have been happy to hear that.”
Chapter Sixty-one
BETHESDA, MARYLAND
SAM STOOD LOOKING AT the information board trying to find Kris’ office. After several minutes of studying the board, she heard someone approach.
“Can I help you, Major?”
“I was trying to find Doctor Matthews, a general surgeon.”
The petty officer led her over to a desk, typed on the keyboard. “Let’s see, we have five Matthews here that are officers.”
“Lieutenant Commander Kristine Matthews.”
“Third-floor clinic. Their clinic hours have probably ended for the day. If you missed your appointment, you’d have to reschedule. I can call and see if she’s still there.”
“Thank you.” Sam turned and looked around as he spoke on the phone and saw a tall woman with light brown hair leave. Her heart thudded in her chest. “I see her, thanks.” Sam hurried outside and stood in the parking lot trying to find Kris again. She wandered around just hoping to catch another glimpse of who she knew was Kris. She was about to give up when she recognized her car pulling onto the perimeter road. Yes, it’s her. I’ll be back tomorrow.
