by Roslyn Bane
Over the next several days Sam continued to look for a place to live and tried to adjust to the insane traffic around Washington DC. By afternoon she was back outside the main entrance of the medical compound watching and waiting for Kris. It took several days, but she was eventually able to follow Kris all the way to her home.
She watched as Kris arrived home in the evenings, closing the garage door as soon as she entered. A few minutes later she would emerge and go for a run. She’s thinner. Too thin. Is she sick? Sam’s heart filled with dread, and she rubbed her hand across it. One night Sam arrived late and had to park closer than she ever dared and was in time to see Kris return from her run. Curious she stayed to see what she would do.
Sam watched from her car parked one house away as Kris emerged and sat on a chair on her porch. Several times Kris looked directly at her car as if searching it. Other than that, she sat nearly motionless until the sky grew dark. Before it became too dark to see, she watched as Kris lowered her head into her hands and appeared to cry. Kris finally went inside, and Sam drove away, her hands clenched tight on the steering wheel and a dull ache in her gut. Just go talk to her. What are you waiting for?
***
Sam watched from her car as Kris slowed down and appeared to look directly at her before pulling into her driveway, and immediately into the garage, triggering the door to start to close before she was completely in.
Sam waited for one minute. Go talk to her. This is getting creepy, you sitting out here at night. Someone is going to call the police. Sam climbed out, locked her car and hurried up the sidewalk. She was about to step on the front porch when the door flew open.
“What do you want?” Kris growled.
Taken aback by the anger in the words Sam did not step onto the porch. “I wanted to talk to you, to see—”
“To see what? To see if I’m dating a patient? To see if I’m seducing them? Is that why you’ve been parked out here the last few nights? God, Sam, I can’t take it anymore! This waiting. Go report me and put me out of misery. So, I can start to salvage something in my life.”
Sam rubbed her earlobe, “What are you talking about?”
“I need you to go! Get it over with!” Kris gripped her fists tight trying to keep from doing something rash. “Tell me, when I should expect the call from the CO that I’m being brought up on an ethics charge? Are you here so you can do it in person?”
Before Sam could answer they heard another voice, “Hi, Kris, how are you tonight?” Together they turned to look at the couple who stood in her driveway. “Is everything okay?”
Sam felt their eyes burning into her flesh as they watched her carefully, “Everything is fine.” Sam smoothed her clothes and stuck her hands in her pockets.
Kris spoke, raising her voice loudly. “This lady was looking for someone, and she’s at the wrong house. She was just leaving.”
Sam knew her face registered shock. She looked at Kris in disbelief and turned to look at the couple who had now moved further up the driveway. “I’m sorry to bother you. I’ll check my directions.” Sam turned and walked down the drive silently past the couple. As she drove away she looked over to see them standing together on the porch watching her drive away.
Sam drove in silence, weaving her way through the traffic as her mind raced. Kris looked like hell. She was thin, too thin, and it wasn’t just from the running. Something was wrong. She was angry, and she looked exhausted. Sam turned onto the base and passed through the gate. She went to her room at the officers’ quarters, changed into workout clothes, and grabbed her gear bag. She loaded in her running blade, and gloves, her ID card, and a water bottle. A short while later she was at the gym.
Sam sat on the treadmill momentarily to change her shoe for a running blade. Setting the bag carefully aside she stepped onto the treadmill and ran. At first, she was annoyed by the stares of the people around her. They were all military, so they’d seen others with injuries. Sam continued pushing herself and worried about Kris. She became oblivious to the looks of others around her. What did she mean? Let me salvage my life? Sam continued to run and thought about how Kris had responded. It didn’t make sense. She could understand Kris being mad at her for showing up unannounced, but what was she talking about with an ethics charge?
As her time on the treadmill expired, Sam stepped off, changed the foot piece back and spoke briefly to the attendant. A few minutes later she was punching on a heavy punching bag until her arms ached. Changing gloves, she started on the speed bag, the rhythm of her blows strangely mesmerizing. Tomorrow was Friday. She was going back. And this time they were talking.
***
Kris sat on the couch for a long time shaking. Tomorrow, the woman she loved would probably tell her commanding officer of their ill-advised relationship. Tomorrow she would find out what the next few years held. She picked up the article she’d been reading. Three years. It would take three years for her to reapply for her medical license. And then she would have to try and find a job. God how had she screwed up her life so bad? I wish I could go back and tell her. Four simple words ‘I amputated your leg.’ It would have avoided a lot of heartache for both of them.
Kris dropped the article on the table, along with the others. The case reports and disciplinary actions she’d been able to find from the different states that dealt with violation of trust between patients and physicians, and questionable relationships. She opened the fridge, pulled out a yogurt and returned to the couch. She sat in silence as she ate and watched the clock hands turn, listening to the ticking grow louder as her fate inched its way closer.
Awakening with a jump when the alarm started to buzz, Kris reached out silencing the alarm on her phone and glanced at the wall clock. Five-thirty. She didn’t remember falling asleep or pulling a blanket up. She sat up and pushed the blanket and pillow to the end of the couch. Moving quickly she stepped into the bathroom and showered. Twenty minutes later she looked at herself in the mirror. Her uniform was crisp and sharp. She applied a light layer of makeup to conceal the dark circles under her eyes. She grabbed a yogurt from the fridge, devoured it and dropped the spoon in the sink. She grabbed her bag and hat and walked to the door leading to the garage. Kris looked back over her shoulder once. What the hell will today bring?
***
Kris stood at the scrub sink washing her hands. She was exhausted, six surgeries, rounds, and an emergency appendectomy. She was aware of the sounds of the surgical staff around her, moving carts to and from the surgical suites. The faint smell of smoke from the electrocautery probe drifted out of the rooms, as the circulating nurses did their jobs. She closed her eyes and rested her hands on the sink edge. She tried to absorb the sounds around her. To pull them within herself so in the years ahead she could recall the memories and know that she had done something right.
“Hey, Doc, are you okay?”
She opened her eyes and looked at the operating room nurse standing next to her. She’s watching me. She knows something. “I’m tired.” Kris gave a half-smile. “It’s been a long day. I fell asleep on the couch last night, so I’m a bit sore. Naps on the couch are fine but an entire night’s sleep…not so much.”
“I was worried about you today. You were quiet. Well, that’s all we have. Hope you have a good weekend. You’re not on call, are you? You’ve picked up a few extra ones.”
“Not this weekend.”
“Okay, see you Monday.”
Kris went to the locker room, showered, and changed back into her uniform. With her heart thudding, she went back to her office space to finish paperwork and wait for the ax to fall. She heard footsteps approach and looked up to see a corpsman standing in the doorway.
“Staying late, Commander?”
“I’m finishing up some paperwork. Is Captain Brusels here?”
“No, ma’am. He left about an hour ago. He was in a hurry to leave. They’re taking the new sailboat out on the bay this weekend.”
“That’s right. I’ll only be
here a few more minutes.”
“Yes, ma’am. Have a good weekend.”
“You too.” Kris sighed deeply and felt the knot in her stomach grow a little smaller. Not today.
***
Sam parked on a facing side street and watched as the garage door closed. She got out of the car and was nearly to the house before she remembered the flowers. She hurried back to the car, grabbed the flowers, and had just reached the porch as the door opened. She heard Kris gasp in surprise and quickly move into a defensive position.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Kris stood still, not moving, barely breathing, several seconds passed as she stood motionless. “What do you want?”
Kris’ voice was higher than normal, and she hadn’t moved except to blink. Sam reached out with her hand to touch Kris on the arm, “It’s me. Are you all right? I didn’t mean to startle you. I needed to see you, now. Can we talk? Inside?”
Kris shouted, “I said I was sorry! I did what you said. I left you alone, I didn’t contact you. Believe me, Sam, if I could turn back the clock and change everything I would. Please, I beg you, do not do this to me!”
Sam could see that Kris was nearing hysteria, her voice unusually high pitched, her hands, no, her entire body shaking. “I went to the hospital…shit!” She jumped forward to catch Kris but was only able to keep her head from smashing onto the porch as she collapsed dead weight. The flowers forgotten where they fell.
“Hey, hey, Kris, wake up.” Sam tapped her repetitively on the cheek trying to get Kris to wake up. Her own heart was racing, her mind scrambling. She looked over Kris’ body looking for any injuries from her fall. She breathed a sigh of relief as Kris started to awaken. “Hey Kris, you’re all right. I’m right here. Let me take you inside.” Sam propped open the screen door and lifted Kris. God, she’s lost weight. Is she sick? Entering the house she was surprised to see boxes stacked in the corner, and books scattered around the room, on the floor, on end tables. A lamp stood minus its shade, the bare bulb exposed and burning bright. A pillow and blanket were tossed on the couch, a water bottle and an empty yogurt cup on the floor next to it. She lay Kris down on the sofa.
“I’ll be back. Stay there.” Sam hurried over and closed the doors, and went into the kitchen. It was immaculate and smelled of bleach. Its surface shone with brilliance. Boxes were stacked against the walls and under the table. Sam opened a cabinet and found two glasses, only two. She turned to the refrigerator, opening the freezer to get some ice, and stood and stared. It was nearly empty except for some open bags of frozen vegetables and a measuring cup. A one cup size. Sam felt her anger start to build. She shoved ice into the glasses and slammed the freezer shut. She jerked opened the door on the fridge and looked at its contents. Yogurt, loads of it, and the makings for salad, some of which looked to be past its prime. A half-gallon of milk which looked new. Sam pushed the door closed, filled the glasses from the tap and walked into the living room. Kris lay on the couch her arm draped across her head covering her eyes. Her breathing was ragged. “Here’s some water. Drink it. What the hell is going on here?” Sam demanded.
Kris didn’t answer. She didn’t move. Sam walked into the small dining room and saw more boxes stacked on the floor, dishes and books stacked on the table, covered with packing paper, the doors on the dining room hutch open with items shoved haphazardly inside. Sam moved a few items and closed the doors. She walked down the hallway, more unopened boxes were stacked in two rooms. The computer was set up in another room, the desk and a card table cluttered with books and papers, a wall of boxes encircling it, like a fortress.
Sam turned to the last room, the master bedroom. The bed was in its frame, clothes stacked on it, boxes surrounding it. The closet doors were open, the uniforms precisely arranged, and spotless. A kit bag lay open, the camouflage uniforms neatly folded. A crumpled paper on the floor caught her attention, she opened it and read through it, her brow furrowing as she read it. She held it tight in her hand and slammed the closet shut.
The dresser drawers were opened revealing their meager contents. Shorts, tshirts, socks, all exercise clothes, except for a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. She took a moment to look in the bathroom…immaculate, again the bleach smell, a few cosmetics carefully arranged on the counter, a towel hanging on the rack, a sports bra hanging on a hook in the shower. Her rage grew. She stomped down the hall and into the living room. Kris was sitting up, her head in her hands, and the empty water glass on the table. Sam crossed the room in two giant strides grabbing Kris and jerking her to her feet, “What the hell is going on here?” She shook her, felt minimal resistance “What is this mess?”
“It’s my home. Get out.”
There was no anger in her words only resignation, and that scared Sam more than what she was seeing. She tightened her grip to shake Kris again and remembered the paper in her hand. She let go of Kris and watched as she dropped back down onto the couch. “What is this about?” She read from the letter “‘Although we do appreciate your request to return to Afghanistan at this time, your current orders will remain in effect. In the future, if the need arises, you may request to join the fleet hospital.’ What the hell are you doing? Volunteering to go back over there? Wasn’t twice enough?”
Kris stood up, pushed Sam back away from her, “Why does it matter to you? Look around. What do you see? What do I have? Why should I unpack?” Kris lowered her voice, thick with despair, “I’ve been waiting for this day, dreading it. I was hoping to be overseas when it happened at least…”
“What are talking about? God damn it, you are not making any sense! Tell me what’s wrong. How can I help you?”
“Help me?” Kris’ laugh was cold and bitter. She flopped back down on the couch, “Is that what you’re doing…following me? Making sure I bring no one home so you can investigate to see if I’m fucking them? Well, look around. Obviously, I’m not hiding anyone. Go ahead and report me and get it over with.”
Sam stood motionless as emotions warred within her. She was angry at what she was seeing, scared by what Kris was saying, and through it all a sinking feeling of despair that somehow she was responsible for what was happening. Whatever ‘it’ was. She considered the words Kris had just spoken, and she gasped. She took several deep breaths, centering herself before she knelt on the floor in front of Kris, “Are you telling me that you are afraid that I was going to report our relationship? Answer me. Please.”
“Yes. It was an ethics violation.”
“No, it wasn’t. It was a mutual relationship. I was every bit as responsible as you. I had no intention of reporting it.”
“You didn’t know. I should have stayed away. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you.”
“Don’t say that. I love you. You helped me heal, and I don’t mean my stupid leg. I don’t understand everything that happened. But I know you lost your memory. You didn’t know who I was at first. That’s why you were going to counseling. In one of the early group counseling sessions we were in, you said you couldn’t remember the details of your injury. A lot of us couldn’t.”
“But friends trust each other. I violated that trust when I decided not to reveal who I was. And once we became more intimate, I thought it was too late to tell you. But it wasn’t. At any step along the way, I should have had the courage to tell you. That was the right thing to do.” The loathing in her voice hung heavy in the air.
“I wasn’t your patient. You helped me. You saved my life half way around the world. The next time we saw each other we were both patients…I bet I know when you realized it was me. It was during the games. You got pale and looked sick. You ran away.”
“I did. You said, ‘just take my gun and shoot me.’ You said that in the helo, too. I was already starting to get my memory back but that was when everything finally clicked. But I couldn’t stay away. I came back because you caught my eye as soon as I’d healed enough to think about something else. I just wanted a friendship. It wasn’t till
later that my feelings changed. I should have stepped away,” Kris said.
“No! You’re not listening. I’m glad you didn’t. I love you.”
Kris searched Sam’s face, “So you’re not going to file a complaint? An ethics charge against me?”
“No. Dear God, no. I would never.” She stopped talking when Kris burst into tears. “Kris?” She leaned forward and wrapped Kris in her arms and held on while she sobbed in her arms. Her own tears mixed with Kris’ as they cried together.
Chapter Sixty-two
KRIS COULDN’T BREATHE. IT was over. Sam would not report her. She would remain a physician. Relief flooded through her and the stress exited in a torrent of emotion and tears. She had no idea how long she cried. She was aware of Sam holding her, silent and strong. She wiped a hand across her face, let go of Sam and reached for a napkin laying on the table. Wiping her face again, she blew her nose. She took two deep breaths and in a voice that trembled, “Thank you, Sam.”
“Look at me,” Sam spoke softly as she gently cupped Kris’ chin and lifted it, forcing her to look at her. Kris was surprised to see Sam’s face streaked with tears, her eyes sad. “I never meant to cause you harm. Not at all. I am sorry I caused you so much…pain. So much distress. I wasn’t any better than Shelly. She hurt you physically. I did it emotionally. Please…forgive me.”
Sam’s heart thudded hard in her chest, and her pulse fluttered in her neck. Kris placed her hand over Sam’s where it still rested on her chin. “I do. I should never have deceived you. I will go to my grave sorry for that deception. I took away your choice. I am sorry for that. It was reprehensible. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t say that. I’m not sorry for it. I was lost and you saved me. If you’d told me I might have ended the relationship. If that would have happened, I wouldn’t have gotten as strong. I wouldn’t have kept fighting. I wouldn’t have fallen in love. You accepted me for who I was before I could accept myself.”
