The Panty Whisperer: The Complete Series

by Sloane Howell

  I turn back to him and nod. "I know. Okay?"

  "Yeah. I know you do, bitch. I gotta go though. That chick really does have a leash on my cock. And I like it."

  "I know you do, buddy."

  He turns to walk out the door.

  "And don't you ever try to manhandle a cowboy, we'll cut your goddamn pimp's heart out. Understand?"

  He flips back around in front of the door. "I'm your huckleberry."

  QUINN

  JET FUEL AND car exhaust stick to my clothes as I make my way to the front of the airport. Everyone always looks all professional and put together, like they know what they're doing. I'm a hot mess. My hair is half dry and I don't know if my socks match. I nearly had a heart attack when I woke up and all my clocks were flashing "12:00." Out of all the days for a power surge, it had to be today.

  I can't mess this up. This is my shot. Knock this out of the park and the sky's the limit. I look up to see where I need to check my bags, and my Starbucks cup hits the ground, exploding on the tile. His eyes are locked onto mine. My whole body goes numb, and it's like the sky is crushing me into the ground.

  Joel.

  He stalks toward me, and my heart wrenches. Why? Why now? I simultaneously want to rip into him and melt into his arms. What is wrong with you, Quinn? Stay strong.

  He looks weak, defeated. It doesn't help the heat rushing into my face, and the anger coursing through my blood. I can't stop thinking about him with that girl at his mom's funeral. Him not calling. Not texting. Leaving me to worry about him.

  Fuck him. Fuck you, Joel.

  "Hey."

  Goddamn his gorgeous fucking eyes. My body acts independently of my brain, and I slap him. Hard. Tears roll down my cheeks. He turns back to me, and my hand itches to hit him again.

  I don't want him to see me cry. He shouldn't get to see me weak like this. "You should go."

  "Can I just—"

  "Did I fucking stutter?" My teeth grind together so hard my jaw will probably be sore for a week.

  "Sorry."

  He turns to walk away, and the pussy version of Quinn that's in love decides to rear her ugly head.

  "What are you even doing here? Why now?" I shouldn't entertain his words. They're like poison that knows exactly where I'm vulnerable.

  "I just. I don't know, okay? I heard you were leaving, and I just came."

  "What did you think was going to happen? You show up, and I don't go? We just forget the last week ever happened?" God, I really want to do all those things. But I can't. Not to mention the girl. My fists clench. "And you and the blonde at your mom's? Seriously, just go."

  "I'm sorry. I had to see you. I can't stop thinking about you. And the girl—"

  "Fucking save it, Joel! I don't want to hear you talk your way out of it, like you always do. It's too late. I'm going."

  He drops his gaze to the ground, and suddenly I'm the one who feels bad. "I-I understand." He sulks and turns to walk away.

  "I'm sorry about your mom. I would've been there in an instant had you called me. I just didn't want to upset you."

  He looks back at me. "I know."

  I head inside for my plane and watch him walk into the parking lot through the huge glass windows of the airport. Standing there in a daze, I think about what might have been.

  People are getting up and leaving the conference room after my second pitch of the day, when a man approaches me in a suit. He looks familiar, like I've seen him recently. I don't mind his presence. Dark-brown hair and bright-blue eyes. He looks about my age and happens to not be ugly at all.

  "Hey." He approaches with a wide smile.

  "Hi."

  "You're doing a great job." He stops a few feet away.

  "Umm. Thanks. This is about my third day doing this."

  "I know." He smiles again, like he knows something I don't.

  "Are you with the company?"

  "Your company."

  My stomach balls up in a knot. "Is that so?"

  "Yes. I'm evaluating you, and I like what I see, so far." He looks me up and down like he's talking about more than just my job performance.

  Fuck it. I have no reason for him not to look at me.

  "What exactly have you seen?" I turn around to put my laptop in its case and lean farther over the table than I should as my skirt rides a little up my legs.

  He coughs, and I linger for a little longer than normal before turning back around.

  "Umm. You're a great speaker. People seem to like you. To the point, but in a fun way."

  I toss my laptop bag over my shoulder and let the strap run between my breasts, pulling my bright-red blouse tighter against me. I smile and walk up closer, making eye contact. "Tell me more about how great I am."

  I laugh to make it obvious I'm joking.

  "I'd love to tell you more over dinner."

  Something about him asking me to dinner sends waves of guilt rushing through my body. I'm a fucking mess. How do I get myself out of this hole I've dug?

  "I wish I could. I have to catch a flight. You should know this."

  He looks away and then snaps back into business mode. Thank god. I don't need any added distractions right now.

  "Right. Well—here's the thing. Your boss speaks highly of you. You have the look we want. We like what we see."

  "Okay. I mean, thank you. I'm just confused. What's going on here?" I waggle my finger back and forth at both of us.

  "How would you like to do this type of work full-time for the company?"

  I nearly squeal but stop myself.

  Remain professional, Quinn. Fuck.

  My face has to be bright-red with excitement. "I think I'd be very good at it. I enjoy it so far."

  "You'd have to relocate. And you'd be based from our offices here." He smiles.

  It all comes crashing down on me. I should be fucking giddy with excitement, and all I can think about is how hard it would be to leave. My friends and family I can visit.

  But Joel.

  That motherfucker. Why do I let him own me like this? Maybe this is how I'm supposed to finally break free from him. "Well, make me an offer, and we'll talk. I'm definitely excited about the opportunity. Thank you."

  "I'll have it to you today. I'm—I mean, we're very excited about this."

  Blue eyes turns and walks from the room, and I never even got his name. Once I'm certain he's left, I do a little awkward dance that I pray I never repeat. My hand fishes into my bag and I pull out my phone to call Megan.

  "Hey, what's up?" She sounds extra chipper.

  "I got an offer. Well, they're going to make me one anyway. They want me to travel around and do these presentations for clients."

  "What? That's incredible. Good for you. You deserve it."

  "Bad news though, to go with the good." I fumble around trying to pick up my pen off the table.

  "What's that?"

  "I have to relocate here. Based out of corporate."

  "No! You can't leave me here with these two boys—I mean—sorry. That just came out all wrong."

  My nails dig into my palm thinking about Joel, but I know she didn't mean anything by it.

  "It's okay. I don't want to leave. I just can't pass this up. I love the work and maybe it'll help me get over a certain someone you just referenced."

  "It would be fantastic for you. I'm just being a selfish bitch. I shouldn't have joked like that. It just came out."

  "The guy who made the offer wasn't horrible to look at. Bluest fucking eyes I've ever seen." Still thinking about Joel.

  "Is that right?"

  I shouldn't have told her that. I imagine it will get back to Joel. It was mean, but I don't care. He shouldn't have ambushed me at the airport like that. Who does that to someone?

  "Yeah, it's nothing. He asked me to dinner. I turned him down." Fuck, Quinn. You are being a real bitch. "I think I get a chance to come home in a few weeks. I'll definitely update you before then."

  "You better. I'm so happy for you."


  "Thank you." I may squeal a little bit before I hang up.

  JOEL

  I'M FLIPPING THROUGH old pictures of me and Mom, wondering what she'd think of the way I've handled things recently. I know she'd be disappointed, and it eats at me constantly. Why do I always do this shit to myself? I'm like a ticking time bomb, looking for a way to self-destruct. Thank god my phone rings to jar me from my self-loathing.

  It's the imperial death march and that can only mean one thing, Tommy boy will be on the other end.

  "What up purple rain?" I ask.

  "Purple rain?"

  "You know, because you're the prince of taking cock?"

  "Nice, Herbert. Really fucking mature right there. I'm shaking my head, but you can't see it. So just know it."

  "Prince Albert. I think that's what I'll call you. Because you like them pierced." I know he finds it funny, but he'll never give in. He never does.

  "Are you finished?"

  "That's what purple rain asks all the boys that have their way with him."

  "Goddamn it. I make the fucking jokes around here, Whisperer. Sit in your tower, and fucking nap."

  "Oh, you do love the Tenacious D. Don't you? You want more pierced D getting all tenacious with you." I'm on a roll right now, and I can practically feel the steam building between his ears. It's helping me forget about everything else as well.

  "I will take Megan on a date to see The Force Awakens and leave you to go by yourself, Pee Wee Herman."

  "You son of a bitch! You wouldn't dare!" I refuse to let him win this one. He always wins.

  "Just wicking your little weed to the new light saber. Ushers shining a flashlight on you while you wail on your little guy in the corner, tucked up next to the wall."

  "There a reason you called?" I decide to take an out while I'm still ahead.

  "Oh, yeah. My bad. Umm. Quinn is moving. Anyway, so what are our plans for the movie when it comes out?"

  "Wait, what?" I scrub my hand over my face as I process this information.

  "What are our plans for the movie? I was thinking I dress as Han and you can be Luke. Naturally, because you just talk like a pussy. We need to get tick—"

  "Quinn is moving?"

  "Why do you focus on the less important things I tell you? Jesus, bro."

  "Where did you hear this?"

  "Really? You want to know where I heard this?"

  "Yeah, you got a point there. When is she moving?"

  "She's already there. Coming home in a few weeks to pack her shit and she's gone."

  "She wants away from me that bad, huh?"

  "I don't know, man. I'm hearing this second-hand. Some things could be lost in translation."

  I can't believe I pushed her away like this. Sweat beads form on my forehead. "Alright, well thanks for the info, sweetheart."

  "You okay?"

  "I'm good man, I swear."

  "I'll holler at you later then, girlfriend."

  "Bye sweetie."

  Fuck!

  I hang up, and all the air leaves my lungs. Goddamn it! I can't stop thinking about Mom. All the things she said about making myself happy. How I needed to try with Quinn. I let Mom down. I let Quinn down. I have to make this right.

  JOEL

  "YOU REALLY DON'T have to go." I stare at Tommy.

  "No, no. I must do it. For the good of the land." He smiles.

  "Still loving my Tenacious D?"

  "It's the best D in town, sugar tits." He pops me in the crotch and I double over as he walks off.

  "You're gonna pay for that, you piece of shit."

  All I see is his middle finger as he enters the large revolving glass door in front of the airport. I grab my bags and hobble along to catch up with him.

  We check our bags and head to security. We're standing in line staring at all the random travelers. It's loud and busy as we approach the guy in uniform checking IDs and boarding passes. Tommy is sweating bullets.

  "Will you hold me if we crash?" He turns and flashes doe eyes at me.

  "Of course I will. You know this."

  He looks over at the large machines scanning people as they walk through. "What do you think my dick will look like on their screen? I'm worried the resolution isn't good enough to capture its true essence."

  I'm trying not to laugh as he hands his ID to the airport security guard. "How many megapixels is the internal camera in that thing?"

  "What?" The guard looks unamused.

  Tommy turns to me. "Amateur hour over here." He motions with his head to the guard.

  "Jesus Christ, are you trying to get us on a 'no fly' list?"

  He whispers to me, loud enough for the guard to hear. "We'll be fine as long as I don't leave my cock unattended."

  That gets a grin out of the security guard so my worries are momentarily eased.

  "See, Herbert. They love me." He steps into the scanner and another guard says something to him. He puts his hand over his head. He thrusts his hips as it scans him.

  "Hah! Bet it don't fit on your screen." He's apparently committed to the big cock bit.

  "Sir. We need to do it again. Please stand still."

  "That's what she said."

  Finally, we make it through security. We near our gate, and Tommy is shaking and fidgeting with shit more than ever.

  "It's not the flying that I hate, Herbert. It's more being trapped with all these sweaty beings around here in an aluminum tube as it rockets above the earth at thirty-five thousand feet."

  The four people near us get up and leave as Tommy stretches out in his seat. "Ahh. Much better."

  "You're out of control."

  "That's what they tell me."

  "You think she'll take me back?"

  "Yes."

  "How are you so sure?" I lean in closer to him.

  "Because she loves you. This is not rocket science. My fear of flying analysis is. The only one who will fuck it up is you."

  "Thanks." I look down at the floor.

  "I'm serious, bro. You're the one who gets in your own way. Just stop being a pussy and go for it. What the fuck are you so afraid of?"

  "She's hard-headed man. She's not like the other girls. She doesn't seem like the type who gives second chances. Maybe this is a big mistake."

  His hands are on my collar, and I feel him slap me slightly across the face. Everyone in the goddamn airport is staring at us. I wait for him to say something but he just sits there, staring.

  "What the fuck?" I stare back at him, and I can tell he's trying not to laugh. Finally, I give in and burst into laughter.

  His cheeks are huge, and his face is bright-pink as he tries not to laugh. "The Panty Whisperer isn't a fucking pussy dick."

  Everyone must think we're insane at this point.

  "Keep your voice down. You're going to get us kicked out of this fucking place."

  "Do not look to the naysayers, for the Panty Whisperer will inherit the Earth." He slaps me across the face again.

  "Goddamn it. You hit me again—"

  I feel the sting on my cheek again, and I want to kill him but his ridiculous face keeps me laughing.

  "Okay. Okay. Fuck. Just don't slap me again."

  "About time your nuts dropped." He lets go of my collar.

  Fortunately, our little act is cut short by a woman on the loudspeaker telling us to board. We get up and head that way. The other people waiting for the flight can't get out of our way fast enough.

  Tommy is on my heels and in my fucking ear the whole way. I can practically feel the sweat beads that must be forming on his forehead.

  "Joel? Joel?"

  I do my best to ignore him.

  "Whisperer? Psst, Herbert? Psst, Sir Whisperer?" The volume of his voice increases with each question.

  "What?" I practically scream, but it's a whisper.

  "Hold me."

  "I told you that you didn't have to come."

  "Well, like, I thought it was a good idea. But then I started thinking again
about being enclosed in this piece-o-shit metal frame, maintained by uneducated laborers, hurtling through spacetime at an ungodly rate, whilst thirty-five thousand feet above the ground." He pauses and stares at me. "Well, it kinda has me shitting my fucking panties, Sir!"

  I flip around and there are two kids that can't be more than ten years old that look like they might shriek. Their mother has her fists drawn up, and Tommy's goddamned shirt is soaked at the neckline. His face is pale as a ghost, and the zipper on his bag is rattling from his hands constantly trembling.

  I stop us in the tunnel, much to the chagrin of the line of passengers, and wave the mom and kids past us. His eyes meet mine as my hand grips Tommy's favorite Star Wars t-shirt. "Jesus Christ. Even Jar Jar Binks wouldn't act like such a pussy."

  "You son of a fuck! How dar—"

  "Hey, can we speed this up for crying out loud?" says some impatient bystander in a business suit.

  Tommy glares in his direction and shoots his arm out like he's using the force to choke this guy out.

  "Oh what the fuck is this whack job doing? C'mon buddy, we're in a hurry here."

  I'm so embarrassed I don't know what the hell to do. "Sorry, it's his first time flying. Just give us a second." I turn to Tommy. "They're showing Desperado for the in-flight movie."

  There is no in-flight movie. This flight is approximately two hours and thirty-two minutes, but Tommy doesn't know this.

  His eyes light up and then grow serious. "Unedited? With Salma Hayek titties and reverse cowgirl? Or is it some edited bullshit, Herbert?"

  "Full titties. Promise."

  "Oh, why didn't you say so?" His voice is normal as he strolls past me toward the cockpit.

  We finally get seated and taxi out onto the runway. Thank god it's a smaller plane and nobody is sitting next to us, not that it matters since everyone is practically stuffed together. Tommy is looking all around the plane. I know it's only a matter of time until my ruse is snuffed out.

  "Where are the monitors? To watch the movie?" His eyes are darting all over the place, and I know he's pretty much memorized the fucking electrical outlay of the entire aircraft. I decide to lie anyway, go out with a bang. Hopefully, it will buy enough time to get us in the air.