The Panty Whisperer: The Complete Series

by Sloane Howell

  "Fuck that. You're not driving! Hand them over. We're in a hurry." I shove my suitcases into the tiny trunk area.

  "Oh Sir, your name is not on this here paperwork." He holds up a few receipts, grinning his ass off. "Hop in, sweetie."

  JOEL

  WE ARE TWO hours into the trip, and I've been staring hate into the side of Tommy's head the entire drive. He has the cruise control set to the speed limit and seems to be enjoying himself far too much for my comfort.

  "Keep staring. I can go slower." His lips curl.

  "What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm dying over here and you're making jokes. I'm about to get pissed off." The seatbelt locks up and nearly decapitates me before I spring back against the seat. "Fuck!" I yank it around trying to get it to loosen.

  "Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you." He brakes subtly and the car starts slowing even more.

  "What is your fucking deal, asshole?" Immediately, I regret yelling. Though I still want to rip his head off.

  Tommy whips the car over on to the shoulder and slams on the brakes. Once again the seatbelt digs into my chest and then I fly back in the seat. "What the fuck? You fucking maniac!"

  "Get out!"

  I can see the whites of his knuckles on the steering wheel. He's never yelled at me like this before.

  "Just, okay. Look—"

  "Get. Out." Tommy's breath is labored, and his face turns red.

  He turns the car off and unbuckles his seatbelt, then opens his door and gets out. Not before slamming it so hard I fear he may have busted something in it. I've never seen him like this before.

  I unbuckle my own seatbelt slowly as he paces around the car. Veins are bulging in his neck and he rips my door open.

  "I said get the fuck out!" He swings his arm out to the side, so that he's pointing to the field on the side of the road.

  "Jesus Christ. You're going to leave me on the side of the highway?" I glare back at him. "Why are you doing this?"

  "Because it's my job."

  I stare at him like he's some kind of strange alien. "What the fuck are you talking about? This is your job? You're not making any sense."

  He rolls his eyes and starts slow clapping. "Very good, Herbert. Jesus H Christ, man."

  I'm still trying to figure out what he's talking about as I lean up against the car. He still looks like he wants to whip my ass on the side of the road.

  "Well, explain. I'm so stupid I obviously don't get it."

  I can practically hear his jaw grinding. "Have you thought about Quinn the entire trip?" He takes a step toward me.

  I try to think. Actually, I haven't thought about her once.

  "Or have you been pissed at me the entire time?"

  I shove my hands in my pockets and look down at the ground.

  "That's what I thought. You've been pissed off at me. Worried about how fast we're going. Do you know why I'm going slow? Because that girl that you supposedly love needs some fucking time to think. And god forbid she get more than just a couple of hours because the goddamned Panty Whisperer isn't getting what he wants at the moment." He takes another step toward me, and his eyes are bloodshot, haunting me as I look up at him. "Oh, you can blow her off for days, and she's just supposed to drop everything for you. When you decide to come around. When you just show up at the airport, and her fucking job, busting into the middle of meetings at her work. No, you're a fucking train wreck right now and I'm tired of watching you fuck it up. Tommy will take it from here. And if it means you being a pissed off little cry baby in the seat next to me, so be it, if it keeps you from being a little clingy ass stalker."

  I look at him, knowing he's right, and the anger seems to have faded with his words. I give him a slight shrug. "I didn't stalk her."

  A smile tries to fight through his now fake anger. "Yes you did. You stalked that poor girl all stalkily. Stalker Texas Ranger. You could write a short story about it if you want, William Stalkner."

  I turn to get in the car as he walks around the front, still staying in character as he points two fingers at his eyes and then points them at me. He opens his door and gets back in the car. Turning the key, he looks over at me.

  "Go ahead, I know you have at least one more." I chuckle.

  "I don't know what you're talking about." He puts the car in drive and gets back on the highway.

  I reach for my phone to check my messages.

  "Don't you pull out that goddamn phone." He gives me a side eye. "Fuck around and Joffrey will cut your head off, Ned Stalk."

  We both erupt in laughter.

  After a few minutes have passed, I glance over to him. "Thanks, man."

  "Not a problem, Sir. You just have to give her a little space. Just figure out why she left. And form some kind of plan, if you really want her."

  "Well, my way didn't work. So whatever you think. Just feel like I'm missing something. Like it should be obvious."

  "I don't know. Her flight should be landing soon. I'm sure she'll call Megan first. We'll find out what's up."

  JOEL

  TOMMY PULLS OVER to a gas station. "I need to take a piss. You want anything?"

  "No man, I'm good. I think." I wipe my hands down my pants.

  "Don't be a bitch. You know I'm going to call Megan first. She should've heard from Quinn by now."

  I try not to look excited, but it has to be apparent.

  He grins wide as he puts the phone to his ear. "Hey baby, I missed you."

  His cutesy voice makes me want to vomit, but not as bad as the sounds I hear from the other end of the phone. I can't tell what she is saying, but it sounds like a female screaming version of the teacher from Charlie Brown.

  "I told him. I told him. Oh, sorry. You're right, babe. You told him. I know." Tommy is shaking his head and staring at me like I'm an idiot. "Yes, he needs to be smacked around. I agree." He shakes his head at me, as if he's joking. "We're about an hour away. I'll call you when we're close. Okay. Bye babe. I love you."

  As soon as he hangs up the phone, I'm all over him like a fat kid on cake. "What'd she say? What is it?"

  Tommy shakes his head. "You idiot. I told you." He glances up to the roof of the car. "I told him, lord. You heard me." He glances at me then back to the road. "Quinn, got up very early this morning. And you know what? She gazed into those beautiful sea-foam-green eyes of yours—not really because you were sleeping, but this makes my story better—and in her hazy, just-woken-up state, she grabbed your phone and went to get a bottle of water. Probably to replenish herself of all the fluids you took out of her body the night before. And a certain message popped up on your fucking phone." He flips his head over and stares at me.

  A lump forms in my throat. Tommy continues speaking.

  "And because she thought it was her phone, she looked at it. And she got quite an eye full along with a message from that whore I—I mean umm—Megan told you to stay away from."

  My fingers are tapping on my thigh a million miles an hour as I look over at Tommy. "I didn't do anything with her. I swear." I can see Tommy's face heating up again. It's worse than when he pulled the car over which is worse than I'd ever seen him. "I swear to god. Just hang on." I whip out my phone and go looking for the message, glancing back up at him while I try to hurry.

  "You've never lied to me that I know of. But I swear to fuck you better have compelling evidence, Herbert. Or I will throw you the fuck out of this car after the shit I've gone through. I missed Alcatraz for this bullshit!"

  He must believe me if he's joking, somewhat anyway. I hope it was a joke and he's not really that mad about Alcatraz. The message pops up on my phone and I read through it real quick. Where I told her it was done, and that I was sorry. I shouldn't have ever gone there. I hand Tommy the phone.

  He glares and then glances back and forth at my screen and the road. "You're forgiven. Though you should've never been at that chick's house in the first fucking place. You need to show this to Quinn."

 
I smile. "I know, I'll—"

  "No. When you show it to her you do it with humility. She didn't jump to an illogical conclusion and you're not going to rub it in her face. She should have asked you about it. But fuck, given your dubious goddamn history, I can't blame her for what she did."

  "So she gets a free pass?"

  "Yes motherfucker. Do you know nothing about women? Or have you always just left after the first night?" A huge smile spreads across his smug face. "Oh shit, rook. You've never really done this before. You're not the whisperer. You're the padawan."

  "I am not a goddamn padawan, take that shit back!" I can't help but laugh.

  "You just sit there and let Obi-Tom Kenobi teach you a thing or two, my apprentice." He cackles at his own joke.

  "I will not call you Obi-Tom, and you ain't teaching me shit."

  "First rule, my young Jedi. You are never right. You don't throw shit in their face and think you win. Nuh uh, Sir. Those days of being a prick and having the girl wrap her mouth around your little bean bags are over. Listen to Uncle Obi on this if you want to be happy. Even when you're right, you're wrong." He slaps the steering wheel and belts out a laugh. "Oh, this is going to be fun. You have much to learn."

  "Okay, okay. Tell me more if you're so wise."

  "Oh shit, you want lessons now? Thought you weren't a rook?"

  I stare at him. "I want to be happy. With her. For real man."

  "I know. You will be."

  We're half an hour from home and Tommy has Home Sweet Home cranked to eleven on the stereo when the power cuts out and we start coasting like a fucking roller skate down the highway. All the lights on the dashboard are blank.

  "What the fuck?" He yanks the steering wheel over as we pull off the highway. He stares over in my direction as we come to a stop.

  "Don't ask me, Obi-Tom. Why don't you use the force and make it turn back on."

  "Nobody jokes about Obi-Tom you prick!" He wiggles a finger in my face. "Nobody!" He starts fiddling with the key, trying to start the car. He's getting no power.

  I lean back and run my hands over my face before letting out a sigh and pulling on my hair. "This just keeps getting better."

  "Well, get out of the car and whisper to the goddamn battery. I thought you knew shit about cars." He smacks the top of the dash a few times with his palm like it's an old television with no reception.

  "Hey maybe if you blow into it like a Nintendo game it'll work."

  "The jokes stop now. I'm the joker. You're the jokee listener person. Got it?" He laughs.

  "It's probably the battery or the alternator, man. You probably used up all the power in this beast with your fucking Motley Crue concert."

  "I didn't even get to my aria. Sad day this one is." He shakes his head.

  "Yeah. That's the worst part of this day. It sure is."

  We look at each other and grin.

  "I'll call Megan real quick. She can come pick us up and we'll have this piece of shit towed."

  "See, you still have good ideas. Find out where Quinn is at."

  His eyes narrow.

  "Wait, I'm not done. See if it sounds like she wants company. Or what Megan thinks I should do. I don't want to bother her if she needs more time." I remain calm and collected.

  "Good. You're learning."

  Tommy gets out of the car and walks along the side of the road as he makes the phone call. I get out to stretch and look at my phone. No messages or calls. I'm not surprised.

  After a few minutes, he walks back over. "Megan is on her way. But she doesn't know where Quinn went. Said she was cryptic on the phone. She's going to send her texts telling her she needs to talk to you. That there was a misunderstanding."

  "It's a start. I guess I'll just wait for Quinn to talk to her. I don't want to smother her."

  "Oh fuck that shit, bitch. We didn't go through everything today for you not to get the girl at the end of it. We're finding her ass and making her listen to you." Tommy is bouncing around like he just snorted a Tony Montana sized mountain of coke.

  "What the hell? Thought you said to—"

  "Megan sent her messages. She needs to know what's up. She's had enough time to think about shit."

  "You thought I fucked up really bad didn't you? That I did something awful like the last time when I ignored her." I put a hand on the hood and grab the door handle, but keep Tommy in my sights across the car.

  "Don't concern yourself with my methods, Herbert. They're beyond your comprehension, Sir."

  We both get in the car as if we're about to leave and realize we still have to wait on Megan.

  Tommy throws on the hazard lights. "Well, that was anti-climactic."

  "Yep."

  "So, I know how to find Quinn, but you won't like it." He won't look at me.

  "How? I'll do anything."

  "When I was on the phone with Megan, I got a number."

  "Whose number is it?"

  He turns to me. "Olivia's."

  "Oh boy." A wave of guilt crashes into me.

  "Yeah."

  "Fuck it. Give me the number. Let's get it over with."

  "It's your funeral." I type the number into my phone as Tommy reads it to me. God help me. "This will not be fun." I press the button to call and she answers.

  "Hey Olivia, it's Joel."

  "Go fuck yourself!" She starts to hang up. Tommy is about to die of laughter in the driver's seat.

  "Wait, don't hang up! Please!"

  I can practically hear her huffing and puffing into the phone. "What?"

  "Just, give me a minute. Please?"

  "You have a lot of nerve calling. Fuck me in a bathroom. Treat me like shit. Turn my own best fucking friend against me." Her voice gets louder as she speaks.

  "I'm sorry. Okay. I really am. I never meant to hurt you. I swear." I start to wonder how many other women would react this way if I called them. Bile creeps into my throat.

  "Just tell me what you want. So we can end this phone call."

  "It's about Quinn."

  A high-pitched, angry laugh mauls my ears. Tommy starts mimicking her in the seat next to me along with her laugh that he can clearly hear. I cover my mouth and then give him a playful punch on the shoulder. I'd scold him but it's helping distract me from thinking about the other women.

  "This is a joke right? I must be fucking dreaming. You did not call me to ask about that fucking bitch!"

  I make a fist with my free hand and bite down on it to avoid being an asshole. Even though she deserves it. Finally, I compose myself. "Look, I said I was sorry. But, I need a favor. Please. Do you want me to beg you? I will if that's what it takes."

  "God, you really love her don't you? It must've taken a lot of balls to call me asking for a favor." She laughs in a mocking tone. "You two worthless slutbags are made for each other."

  My face turns red, and Tommy coaxes me into taking a huge breath.

  "Please. Just, if she was upset, do you know where she might go?"

  Olivia lets out a long sigh. "I don't know why the fuck I'm telling you this. Maybe so you'll get the fuck off the phone with me. But when she gets mad or needs to think about something, she always goes to the football field at her old high school. There's something sentimental about that place to her."

  I start fist pumping and acting like I'll scream into the phone, but manage to control myself. Tommy scrunches up his face like he's constipated and does a couple of karate chops in the air.

  "Thank you. Thank you so much." I cover the mic on my phone and high five Tommy hard as shit.

  "Whatever. Lose my fucking number, you prick."

  I think about yelling mean things at her, but I'm too busy celebrating with Tommy as the phone hangs up. "Yes!" I let out something like a growl or grunt that follows and shove Tommy's shoulder.

  After a few seconds we both calm down and look at each other.

  "So, back to waiting?" he asks.

  "Yep."

  Megan finally passes by on the highway and sho
ots Tommy the finger out of her window.

  "God, I love that woman." He beams as her car passes.

  "Yeah. She's a real lady of manners." I chuckle.

  "Mind your fucking tongue, Sir. That's me lady you are disrespectin'."

  I hold up both of my hands. "Ohh."

  "Oh, I forgot to mention. She's probably gonna rip you a new asshole. Okay then, good chat." He opens the door and hops out before I can say anything back.

  "Fucker." I brace myself for the abuse and get out of the car.

  Tommy and Megan are practically dry humping on the side of the highway. I walk up and fake a cough, and they break free from one another.

  Megan's hands are on her hips and she's staring at me like I threw her favorite shoes in a wood chipper.

  "Hi Megan. Umm, good to see you." I take a step back when she starts tapping her foot on the ground.

  She turns to Tommy. "That's all he has to say?"

  "Oh, well, I'm sure he has more to say. Right Herbert?" He takes a step back so that he's behind her and shrugs, mouthing "I'm sorry."

  Whatever. I know he's enjoying this shit.

  "I'm sorry." I ease my shoulders into a shrug.

  "What are you sorry for, Joel?"

  Oh fuck. Questions aren't good. Usually I would deflect with some sort of compliment, but that doesn't really apply to my best friend's woman. Fuck. "Umm, umm—" I'm so screwed. My brain wasn't ready to be hammered with an interview. "For not listening to you." I say it slow, more like a question. Tommy throws me a thumbs up so I try to appear confident in my answer.

  "It'll do for now. Get in the car. Obi-Tom tells me you've been a good little padawan bitch the last few hours." She cracks a smile.

  I shoot my head up to Tommy and he's giving me the finger and grinning. He turns into a statue of serious when Megan flips around. She smiles and punches him in the gut as she walks past him. Tommy doubles over at the waist.

  "I see everything." Her back is to us as she gets in the car.