The Secret Life of Mrs. Claus

by Carly Alexander

  “Sure.”

  “Well, world peace used to be at the top of my list, but then this kid came in with an incredibly cool remote-control robot that you can train to vacuum floors and pick up your laundry.”

  “Robo-Housebot?”

  “That’s the one. I’m totally sold on that.”

  I drew in a smooth, deep breath, realizing it was time to go. Shifting away from his chest, I perched on his knees a second and let our eyes meet again. “Thanks,” I said, surprised at how hard it was to extract myself from him.

  “Hey, your time isn’t up yet. Don’t you want to hear the rest of my list?”

  “I’d better go.”

  “And give up a chance to tell Santa all your problems?”

  I smiled. “I’m Mrs. Claus. I have no problems.”

  “Wrong! We’ve all got something simmering under the surface…a few skeletons in the closet. How do you think I got this silver hair?”

  “How did such a young man get gray hair?” I asked to change the subject.

  “Silver. It’s silver, and that is a story I can only tell over drinks in the noisy privacy of a tavern. A bunch of us are heading out tonight after closing, hitting the Berghoff. Want to join us?”

  I smoothed my skirt down, thinking of Rossman’s management policy. No fraternization with employees after hours. “I’m not allowed to.”

  “Not allowed?” He scowled. “That’s a dumb rule.”

  “You’re right,” I said, thinking of Uncle Len and Uncle PJ and Daniel up in the boardroom, their heads huddled together as they rubbed their hands and laughed maniacally. “It is dumb. What time?”

  “We’ll walk over together after work. Meet me outside the employee locker rooms.”

  I thought about Uncle Lenny running into me with the group of Santas and elves, actually witnessing me, Meredith Rossman, displaying un-Rossman-like behavior.

  I could just imagine the look on his face. But really, what would he do, fire me?

  The Berghoff is said to be the most venerable of downtown taverns, and when you walk into the main room with its dark paneling, old-fashioned globe chandelier lighting, checkered tile floors, and faux stained-glass panels, you can see why locals keep coming back here. I had eaten here with my parents a few times when we caught a burger after working at the Magnificent Mile store. Tonight, the walls were draped in low-slung garlands that added a little festiveness without changing the character of the tavern. Something about the dark, antique room made me feel safe and blessedly anonymous as I leaned over the bar and lifted a pint glass of beer. I didn’t talk much but Gia didn’t seem to notice, especially with the staccato chatter of our friends struggling to be heard over the music and the other patrons.

  Somehow the conversation kept getting back to Nick, who had insisted that I sit beside him. Secretly I hoped that meant he liked me, but more likely he was worried about me after witnessing that sudden crying jag and wanted to keep an eye on me.

  “This gig must be pretty different from spending Christmastime in Africa,” Gerard told Nick. A tall, stocky elf, Gerard had devoured a plate of onion rings in the time it took me to find the hook for my purse under the bar. “Bet they don’t have department-store Santas. Do they even have department stores?”

  “There are large stores in Africa,” Nick said. “Just not in the part I was living in, on the western coast. It’s a huge continent, Gerard. Diverse landscapes and cultures.”

  “So did you play Santa there?” Jesus asked.

  “You keep forgetting, I am Santa,” Nick teased them.

  Gia turned to me and whispered. “What did I tell you? Psycho, but probably a harmless one. Just a little delusional.”

  “I think it’s a joke,” I whispered.

  She shook her head as Nick added, “Actually, most of my work there involved teaching the local people how to purify water for drinking.”

  “Mmm-hmm.” Gia tapped a black-lacquered finger against her chin. “Purifying water? Next he’ll tell us he was walking on it.”

  “What’s your last name again?” someone asked Nick.

  “I’m sorry, but if I divulge that information, I’d have to have my reindeer bump you off.”

  Some of us laughed, others persisted at learning his last name, but Nick wouldn’t give it up. “I’m just Nicholas from the Midwest,” he said. “Just a regular guy.”

  “Oh, you mean you’re not from the North Pole?” Gia asked.

  “Are you kidding? It’s way too cold up there. Year-round.”

  Someone mentioned that Australia was currently having its summer, and Nick mentioned his love for Alice Springs, a town landlocked in the center of the continent. He pointed out that December was actually the hottest month of the year there, and that he’d once rescued some hikers in Ayers Rock on Christmas Day when they were caught in the sun without water or wet flannels to cool down their wrists.

  “Did you rescue them on your sleigh?” Gia prodded him.

  “Actually, I believe it was a Range Rover.” I swear, there was a twinkle in his eye. “You can imagine how the tracks of the sleigh get buried in the desert sand. But enough about me. What are you guys doing for Christmas? How are you planning to celebrate our first day off in weeks?”

  I felt a strange alienation, as if I were watching all this from a nearby deserted island, too far away to swim home. There was no Christmas left for me, and I didn’t relish hearing about how families held pie competitions, or how they let the children play out live Nativity scenes, or how Dmitri and Irina were spending Christmas afternoon serving a turkey dinner for the less fortunate.

  Now that was noble. It made me feel guilty for not doing something for others, but on that day I didn’t have the spirit or the love to share. I could not give my Christmas away, as I had lost it, irretrievably, two years ago.

  When Kevin asked Nick where he was headed for Christmas, Nick responded with the North Pole, of course.

  “Oh, come on, Nick,” Gia prodded. “Why don’t you drop the secrecy and let us know what you’re really about?”

  “I am about Christmas,” he said. “Santa brings toys to good girls and boys. Remember that one, Gia?”

  She took a drink of her beer, stewing, as Nick added that she’d better behave if she wanted those earrings for Christmas.

  Someone asked Nick if he used a bicycle to deliver toys in Holland, and he told the story of St. Nicholas helping out a poor family with three daughters. Since they had no money to pay dowries for the girls, they would be forced to live in servitude. To help them avoid this, St. Nicholas threw three bags of gold to be used for dowry money in the window one night, and they landed in wooden shoes. Thus began the Dutch tradition of leaving shoes out for St. Nick to fill with goodies, which became stockings on the hearth in America.

  “I don’t know,” Mindy said, “sounds like Hanukkah gelt to me.”

  Nick spread his arms wide. “Of course. And that would make me Hanukkah Harry!”

  I grinned, feeling so comfortable being next to Nick, as if his positive glow were showering a few sparks on me.

  As the others laughed, Gia squeezed my arm. “He is so crazy!” she gasped.

  “I know,” I said. Nick was crazy, and I loved it.

  7

  Although Nick’s “Santa complex” that night at the tavern charged up our spirits and kept us laughing, I still wanted some answers. Maybe he was really just Nicholas from the Midwest, but if that was true, what had compelled him to travel all over the world? And who had footed the bills for this aimless wandering? I mean, it’s not like Santa impersonation was a marketable skill sought in the global job market.

  Gia’s theory kept niggling at the back of my mind, worrying me. Was it possible that Nick kept moving to avoid criminal prosecution…or Mob violence?

  Part of me didn’t want to believe that our personnel division would have committed a blunder so litigious as to let us hire a criminal. The other part of me just didn’t want Nick to be a bad guy. Both pa
rts of me knew it was time to find out the real truth (as opposed to Nick’s excuses).

  There was only one thing to do: raid the personnel files.

  I suspected this bit of espionage was in violation of company policy and maybe even a few laws, but I couldn’t help myself. I had to know.

  Jennifer, the HR clerk, was all smiles until I admitted that I didn’t know his last name. That brought on a few questions, some of which put me on the defensive.

  “It’s just that he interviewed so well,” she said, scrolling through a list on her computer. “You’re not thinking of firing him, are you?”

  That depends on what prison he escaped from.

  “That would be a shame,” Jennifer went on.

  “It’s not in the plans at this time,” I said quickly. Just hand over the records, Mugsy!

  Instead of files, Personnel now stored employee information in their database, of course. As Jennifer printed it out for me I was glad I’d decided to go through official channels instead of skulking around for Nick’s nonexistent file after hours. I could imagine myself tripping through this office in the dark feeling around for files—an adventure worthy of a few bruised shins and a dozen paper cuts.

  “Let me know if you need me to intervene,” Jennifer said as she handed me the printout. “I’d be happy to meet with him.”

  I bet you would, I thought, digging my nails into one palm to stop myself from being so territorial. I’d sat on his lap once. So had half of the kids in Chicago. It hardly meant commitment.

  As soon as I stole away from Jennifer’s cubicle, I was reading.

  Nicholas Smith. Date of birth: November 3, 1970. So he was older than I was, almost ten years older. And he was single. Yippee.

  After that, all interesting data ended. I wanted to double back and yell at Jennifer that she’d left all the good stuff out.

  Nick had supplied three local references, one of whom had been called. She admitted that she was his aunt, but pledged that he was always a good boy, a scout and all. His social security number didn’t set off any red flags in the computer, and he had been fingerprinted and cleared of any criminal record, thank God. Under previous employment, he’d listed “Santa Claus”—har-har—at department stores in New York City and in Dallas, Texas.

  “Did you call the stores he used to work in?” Gia said when I ran the information by her in Santaland. “Because I’ll bet you’ll find out that they burned down in mysterious fires.”

  “You have got to put a leash on that imagination of yours,” I said, panicked at the thought that she could be right. “But I’m going to do some of my own investigating before I go too crazy.”

  “Like what?”

  “Check out his place. There’s a local address listed.”

  “Breaking and entering?” Gia grabbed my arm. “Have you lost your mind?”

  “I’m just going to walk by, check out the neighborhood, maybe see if he’s home.”

  Her dark eyes stared blankly at me, as if I were sneaking off with her last tube of eyeliner. “Oh, you bad girl. You’re falling for him, aren’t you?”

  “Me?” A squeaky denial is a worthless one.

  “Just be careful tonight. Take your cell phone and call me if you need to be rescued.”

  “I won’t,” I insisted. “But it looks like the elves in the back need to be rescued for dinner. Why don’t you take one checkout, I’ll take the other until their reinforcements get back?”

  Sometimes I found checkout very satisfying—the mere passing of a wand over bar codes to create revenues. Modern-day magic.

  As I finished checking out items for a woman who seemed to hunker down under one of those strap-on baby bundles, an older woman in a suit approached and handed me her card. She introduced herself as Grace, from the Department of Social Services, Chicago. She was working on collecting toys to fulfill lists submitted by children in foster care. “What I really want to ask you is, would Rossman’s be willing to make some Christmas wishes come true this year?”

  “Oh, Grace.” I felt my chest tighten at the answer I had to give. “This is a bad time.” I still needed to bring the toy revenues up, now more than ever, and if I wanted Uncle PJ to take me seriously at all, I couldn’t cave and just give away the profits because I was a soft heart. “I’m sorry.”

  She reached out and gave my hand a squeeze. “I understand,” she said. “Believe me, I’ve heard it all around town, but we have to try. Just for the kids, you know?”

  I nodded, feeling a lump form in my throat.

  As Grace walked away I asked myself what my nana would have done. Would my mother have turned this woman down because toy profits had slipped last year? What would my father have said?

  Then, clear as a bell, his favorite expression came to me.

  “It’s only money. We’ll make more!” He’d said it time and again.

  Sliding Grace’s card into the pocket of my Mrs. Claus suit, I realized that this was not the Rossman’s way. We were a family and a store that supported our community. And yet, I tucked that card away and returned to work.

  Hating myself.

  8

  Nick’s address was on the South Side of Chicago, an area I was somewhat familiar with from attending the University of Chicago. This neighborhood had gone through dramatic changes, from the influx of money in preparation for the 1893 World’s Fair to the deterioration caused by industrial pollution and the encroachment of poorer neighborhoods some thirty years later. In the 1950s the university had led an effort to take back the neighborhood, a campaign that had proved to be successful as they preserved many classic Prairie School homes and some beautiful green parks.

  However, looking up at the tired shingled building Nick called home, I wondered how this block had evaded restoration. Most likely these buildings were divided into rental units leased by students, the type I’d seen in class—the hang-out guys who lived on the quadrangle and lingered in coffee shops and bookstores and required no more than a mattress to crash on at night.

  I pressed into the hedges as a couple passed by, both in watch caps and puffy coats. Now that I was here, I wasn’t so sure what to do. Talk with his neighbors? Sit in the car and stake him out?

  Somehow, standing out here in the cold was not the answer. I decided to head back to my car to think about it. Halfway down the block, I saw him coming. Or no, maybe it wasn’t him. Hard to tell under that scarf and a fleece-lined cap…I played it cool, walking as casually as I could against the wind, but he stopped right in front of me, his breath coming out in a puff as he just stared at me from behind a brown grocery bag.

  “Mrs. Claus, are you stalking me?”

  “Oh, that is you,” I said, trying to distract him.

  “And I saw you hovering in front of my place. Wassup?”

  “I used to attend the university,” I told him, pulling my gloved hands into my coat for warmth. “I was just visiting the old neighborhood.”

  “Oh, sure. And this block is in all the architectural guides. Note the blatant disregard for any architectural style. The charming use of asbestos shingles. The subdued landscaping reminiscent of a desert spa.”

  “Okay, I came looking for you.”

  “Ah, at last a confession.” He smiled, then cut up the driveway to his apartment. “Okay. Since you were honest, you can come in.” I was three steps behind him. “Unless you want to stand out here and turn into a Popsicle.”

  “I’m coming,” I said, curious to see how he lived.

  Nick’s place was on the second floor, but at least he had a private entrance in the back of the old house. Inside, it wasn’t as bad as a lot of student places. The floors had been stripped to the old wood, and a printed oriental rug warmed up the sitting area. A laptop was set up on the coffee table, the screen saver flashing Santa’s sleigh as reindeer pulled it over moonlit rooftops. He turned the computer off, then started unloading groceries on the kitchen counter.

  “If I’d known you were coming I’d have gotten tw
o hoagies. Do you like eggplant parmesan?”

  “Sure, but I don’t want to take your dinner.”

  “You’re not. I always get a foot-long, and I’ll give you half, but the salad is mine.”

  As I wandered around the apartment, rubbing my hands together to thaw, I paused in front of a desk with books flopped open and assorted papers, printouts, notes, ads, and old newspapers. A mess, but with its unique sense of organization, not unlike the resources for a student term paper. There was an ancient phone, a heavy, square unit with a cord. “Where’d you get this dinosaur?” I asked, hoisting it.

  “It came with the rental, and I find it useful since I’m not a fan of cell phones. Our whole nation is now talking via satellite. We are in jeopardy of losing the face-to-face meeting, the way we lost storytelling as an oral tradition.”

  I was back at the desk, trying to read some of the papers without making any obvious moves like picking something up. One printout’s headline was St. Nicholas Center. Another paper read: Christmas Trees, Xmas, Candy Canes, Poinsettias…

  “Did you find what you’re looking for?” he asked.

  “Where’s your Christmas tree?” I asked, cued by the printout. “Your crackling fire? All those little elves who help you make toys?”

  “Got ’em stashed in the basement. You know, you’re making me nervous. Do me a favor, sit down.”

  Glancing back at the coffee table, I saw he had set two plates out along with red wine in juice glasses.

  He patted the back of the couch, the only seating in the room. “Take your coat off and tell me why you really came by to snoop on me. Here, I’ll take your coat.” I handed it to him and he flung it over his shoulder, glancing back to watch it land over the television. “I always wanted to do that.”

  I couldn’t help but grin at his irreverence as I sat on one end of the couch and pulled a plate onto my lap. “Are you taking a class at the university?” I asked casually.

  He sat beside me on the couch and dug into his salad. “Nah, I’m too old for that. I’ve moved on to the school of life. But the rent here was right, and the place came furnished. And I’m not going to let you distract me until you answer my question. Why are you here?”