Fighting with Shadows

by Beryl Matthews

  ‘Auntie!’ Danny burst into the front room. ‘Em’s mum said we could have tea with them.’

  Was it that late already? Angie glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece. Nearly four – where had the time gone?

  ‘Please, can we?’ Danny jumped up and down impatiently.

  ‘Of course. What time did she say?’

  ‘Now!’

  ‘Okay, go and wash your hands.’ They were filthy as usual. ‘Give them a good scrub.’

  Danny thumped up the stairs and was soon back, holding his hands out for inspection. When she nodded, he turned and headed for the back door.

  ‘Danny!’ she called. ‘We’ll go to the front.’

  He appeared again, looking puzzled. ‘But I always go this way.’

  She grinned. ‘I’m not crawling through the hedge. The hole isn’t big enough for me, and you’ll get all dirty again and I’ll tear my frock.’

  This took a bit of thought, and Angie could almost see his mind working behind his clear grey eyes. They really were beautiful.

  ‘Em don’t care. And I could wash my hands again, I suppose.’ It didn’t appear to be a very enticing prospect.

  He seemed to relish a bit of dirt ever since he’d lived here. When they visited the farm, she always had to take a change of clothes with her.

  She couldn’t hide her smile as she pictured the little girl’s total disregard for her pretty frocks. If she were Sally, she’d put Emma in dungarees. ‘Can you see me on my hands and knees trying to get through the hedge?’

  Danny giggled then, holding his arms out wide. ‘We’d have to make the hole this big.’

  ‘Well, not quite that big,’ she said, holding out her hand to him. ‘Let’s arrive like proper guests, shall we?’

  They didn’t have a chance to knock on the door before it was thrown open by Emma.

  ‘We’ve got tinned fruit and my daddy’s home,’ she declared, dragging Danny inside.

  ‘Hello, you must be Angie.’ A man of around five foot eight, with light brown hair and an appealing smile, held out his hand. ‘I’m Joe, Sally’s husband.’

  ‘I’m pleased to meet you.’ She took an instant liking to him. He was very slim and wearing a pair of horn-rimmed glasses.

  ‘Come in. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you moved in, but I’ve been working as a long-distance lorry driver and was away.’

  ‘That was the last trip, though.’ Sally beamed and hugged her when they reached the kitchen. ‘After Joe was demobbed two years ago, he had to take whatever work he could get, but now he’s going to teach in the local school.’

  He looked more like an academic than like a lorry driver. ‘What branch of the service were you in?’

  ‘RAF ground staff; my poor eyesight stopped me doing anything exciting.’

  ‘You’ll have enough excitement round here.’ Sally raised her eyebrows. ‘You’ll have Emma to deal with everyday from now on.’

  They were all grinning at the thought when the children scrambled on to chairs, ready for their tea.

  Later that evening, as Angie tucked up Danny in bed, he gazed up at her, eyes troubled.

  ‘Why haven’t I got a daddy like Em?’

  Her heart skipped a beat. She had known the question would come one day, and seeing Emma with her father must have made him wonder. She sent up a silent prayer for help to deal with this wisely. She wasn’t going to tell him any lies.

  ‘You have got a daddy, darling, but we don’t know where he is.’

  ‘Have you lost him?’

  ‘Your mummy said he had to go away before you were born.’

  Danny’s bottom lip trembled. ‘Why didn’t he come back? Didn’t he love me?’

  ‘He would love you so much if he saw you.’ Angie was alarmed. Danny had made wonderful progress since they’d been here and she didn’t want to see him unhappy again. But how did you explain to a three-year-old? ‘He doesn’t know you’ve been born.’

  ‘Can you find him and tell him, Auntie?’ A single tear trickled down his cheek. ‘I want a daddy like Em.’

  ‘I’ll try to find him for you, darling.’ John and Hetty knew something, and it was about time she insisted on answers. She had been reluctant to do anything about tracing his father, quite happy to have Danny to herself, but she was being selfish. Whatever her feelings, this lovely little boy must come first. And if she ever did find him, he was going to be in real trouble for not coming back to see if Jane was all right after seducing her. All right, Jane hadn’t told him about the baby, but he shouldn’t have disappeared like that. He should at least have left her some way of contacting him if she needed to.

  How could his daddy be lost? Danny pretended to be asleep until he heard Auntie leave the room, then he got up, trotted over to the chair in the corner and picked up his teddy bear. Then he clambered back into bed, slid under the covers and hugged the soft animal to him ever so tightly.

  He wanted a daddy. Perhaps Em would share hers with him. He’d give her an extra long go on the swing.

  10

  Finding the teddy bear in Danny’s bed the next morning drove Angie into action. This was to be his first day at the Mothers’ Relief session, and, with Emma there, Angie was sure she would be able to leave him for an hour or so. She chatted away as she got him ready, explaining what fun the morning was going to be, and by the time they left the cottage she had coaxed a smile out of him.

  It was bedlam when they walked into the church hall. There were eight children of varying ages from toddlers to about four. Sally and another young woman were doing their best to control the mayhem. Danny took one look and, spotting Emma, rushed straight into the fray, his sombre mood disappearing.

  Sally was sitting on the floor with a tiny girl on her lap and mopping up her tears. She grinned at Angie. ‘Danny’s fitted in right away.’

  ‘So I see.’ She shook her head as she saw him happily daubing paint on paper, himself and Emma.

  ‘Don’t worry, Angie, it’s only coloured water.’ With the little girl’s tears now stemmed, Sally stood up. ‘Are you going to stay?’

  ‘I need to see Hetty first, but I’ll be back in about an hour. Will that be all right?’

  ‘That’s fine. You’ll be able to help with lunch,’ Sally said with a perfectly straight face, but her eyes were alive with laughter.

  Angie raised her eyebrows. ‘Oh, good, I’d hate to have missed that treat.’

  ‘I’ll introduce you to the Rector when you get back,’ Sally called as Angie headed for the door. ‘When I told him you can type, he said you were the answer to his prayers.’

  With a final wave Angie hurried out of the church hall. If she walked very briskly, she should reach the farm in fifteen minutes, another fifteen back, leaving half an hour to talk to Hetty and John, if he was around. They knew more about Danny’s father than they were saying. She felt guilty that she hadn’t pushed harder for the truth, but fear had stopped her, and in a way she’d been relieved they hadn’t given her a name. But the problem couldn’t be ignored any longer, because Danny was at an age when he noticed things and asked questions. She quickened her pace as worry gnawed at her. All the time Danny had seemed unaware that he didn’t have a father, she had been happy to leave it, but it wasn’t going to be something she could easily push aside now. She had to find out for Danny’s sake.

  ‘Angie!’ Hetty greeted her with real pleasure. ‘Where’s Danny?’

  ‘At the church hall with other children.’

  ‘My goodness you have been hurrying, you’re out of breath. Come and have a cup of tea.’

  ‘Thanks. I’ve only got half an hour. I must get back in time to help with the lunches. Is John around?’

  ‘He’s at the market this morning.’ Hetty filled the kettle and put it on the stove. ‘You look worried. What’s happened?’

  ‘Last night Danny asked me why he hasn’t got a daddy like Emma.’ Angie watched Hetty’s face pale. ‘I believe you know who he is.’

  ‘Yes,
we do.’ Hetty sat down heavily.

  ‘Then I think it’s time you told me.’

  Hetty’s eyes clouded for a moment, then she nodded. ‘He worked here for a while just after the war ended. He was such a nice young man and we were very fond of him …’

  ‘What did he look like?’ Angie urged when Hetty stopped speaking.

  ‘Tall, fair hair and grey eyes, just like Danny. He used to sit at our piano in the evenings and play for us. He was a wonderful pianist.’

  ‘So Danny has inherited his musical talent along with his looks?’

  ‘Yes.’ Hetty ran a hand over her eyes. ‘But we didn’t have any idea Jane had fallen for him. They were very discreet. And, to be truthful, we still considered her a child, which was very short-sighted of us.’

  ‘We need to find him because Danny’s asking questions.’ The kettle boiled and Angie made the tea, seeing Hetty needed time to compose herself. When she’d done that, she sat down again and the questions tumbled out. ‘Where did he come from? How old was he? Why was he working here? Where did he go when he left here?’

  ‘We don’t know, Angie.’ Hetty was getting agitated now. ‘I can’t tell you more than I have.’

  Angie narrowed her eyes in suspicion. ‘Can’t or won’t?’

  ‘We won’t.’ John strode into the kitchen. ‘We don’t want you prejudiced against him before you’ve met him.’

  Angie shot to her feet, furious. ‘This nonsense has gone on long enough, and I’m getting very tired of you evading my questions. And how the hell am I going to meet him, if you won’t tell me where he is?’

  ‘Sit down, please.’ Hetty caught her arm. ‘Don’t be angry with us.’

  John took hold of her shoulders and eased her back in her chair, then began to speak earnestly. ‘We do have a vague idea where he might be, but finding him will be difficult, especially if he’s moved around a lot.’ He stirred two spoonfuls of sugar into his tea, his expression grim. ‘We know he must be found and a friend of ours is looking for him now, but it could be an impossible task.’

  ‘But he must have had a home address. You saw his identity card, surely? Where did he live before he came here?’

  ‘Angie,’ John said, shaking his head, ‘we don’t have an address for him; if we did, we’d have contacted him already. If our friend can find him, we’ll explain everything.’

  ‘If he does come across him, he isn’t going to tell him about Danny, is he?’ Angie was exasperated. They shouldn’t have done this without asking her first. Danny was her responsibility, not theirs.

  ‘No, no, Angie.’ John leant towards her. ‘Don’t be upset. You must trust us; we would never do anything to hurt you or Danny. If he turns up here, we’ll send him round to you. It will be your decision how much you tell him. We don’t want you forming an opinion about him until you meet him face to face.’

  ‘What the hell is wrong with him?’ She exploded; this was too much for her quick temper. ‘I’m completely bewildered by this secrecy about his identity.’

  ‘We know you are. There is nothing wrong with him, but we feel it best if you form your own opinion when you meet him.’ Hetty reached across the table and took hold of her hand. ‘We are doing what we feel is right for all concerned. Please trust us, Angie. Any decisions you come to about him will be up to you. We won’t interfere in any way.’

  Angie’s anger faded as quickly as it erupted. John and Hetty were taking steps to trace him. She would have to be satisfied with that for the moment. ‘At least tell me his name. Is it Cramer?’

  ‘Yes, it is.’ Hetty gave a sad smile.

  So that confirmed it. Jane had put the father’s name on his birth certificate. ‘What’s his first name – is it Daniel?’

  ‘No,’ John said firmly, ‘and we won’t tell you his Christian name, but it’s something like Daniel.’

  ‘Jane obviously chose her son’s name carefully.’ Hetty’s gaze was appealing. ‘I know this is confusing and frustrating, but one day, God willing, you’ll understand our reasons.’

  Angie’s mind was in turmoil. This whole business was impossible to understand. First Jane’s refusal to identify him, and now John and Hetty were keeping things from her. Her sigh was full of frustration. She wasn’t going to get any further with this. Once John and Hetty made up their mind about something, nothing would shift them. She had soon found that out when she came to live here. ‘But you liked him?’

  ‘Yes.’ John drained his cup and put it back on the table. ‘I must admit to being furious when I found out he had taken advantage of our Jane, but, when we look at Danny, it’s impossible to feel anything but pleasure. Giving birth to him may well have shortened Jane’s life, but you said she loved him dearly and never regretted it.’

  ‘No, she didn’t.’ Angie swallowed the emotion as she remembered her cousin. ‘He was the light of her life, and he is mine as well. How could we regret the birth of such a lovely child?’

  ‘Then we must learn to forgive.’ Hetty smiled at last.

  ‘Everything will turn out well in the end, I’m certain of it.’

  ‘Ever the optimist,’ John chided his wife. ‘But this time I pray you’re right. As I’ve said, if he is found, you’ll make the decision as to whether he meets his son and has access to him. But the boy is yours, legally and morally, that was Jane’s wish, and we won’t let anyone interfere with that. We’ll be right beside you to support you in whatever decision you make.’

  The tension eased. Angie couldn’t ask for more than that, and knowing that they would provide help, should she need it, was a great comfort. They looked very relieved now the questions had stopped. She glanced at her watch and jumped to her feet. ‘I’ve got to see the Rector about his typing. You’ll let me know if you have any news, won’t you?’

  ‘Of course, but we must warn you that our friend believes the chances of finding him are very slim.’ Hetty hugged her for a moment. ‘When are you bringing Danny to see us? I swear the chickens are pining for him.’

  ‘Oh, dear, we can’t have that,’ she joked, though it was the last thing she felt like doing. The mystery of Danny’s father was frustrating, but she couldn’t be angry with John and Hetty. They had their reasons for acting like this, just as Jane had, but she was really worried now. Turning her mouth up in a smile, she said, ‘How about tomorrow afternoon? He’s having his first piano lesson today and he can show you what he’s learnt.’

  Hetty’s smile was wistful. ‘He’ll soon be playing for us. His father told us that he could play almost before he could walk.’

  She caught the warmth and affection in Hetty’s voice and felt her spirits rise. ‘If Danny’s the image of his father, I can’t fail to like him, can I?’

  John squeezed her arm. ‘If he is found, just give him a chance.’

  ‘I will, for Danny’s sake.’ Glancing at the time, she stood up, knowing there was little point in continuing to question them. They had said all they were going to say on the subject of this mystery man. They had asked her to trust them, and she would. ‘Now I must dash. We’ll see you tomorrow.’

  All the way back Angie kept running names through her head, trying to find something that sounded like Danny, without success. In the end she gave up. At least she had gleaned a bit of information and would have something to tell Danny if he brought up the subject again. She wouldn’t mention it if he didn’t, though. The thought of a strange man turning up with a claim on Danny was worrying, but John and Hetty had made no secret of their affection for him. They were keeping secrets, just as Jane had. It was all very puzzling, and she’d found it hard to hold on to her temper, but what good would it have done to demand they tell her who he was? None at all, she suspected.

  There wasn’t any point in getting into a lather. She strode out, head high, enjoying the warmth of the sun, the smell of freshly cut hay and the sound of birds chattering in the hedgerow. He might never be found, and, as Danny got older, the boy would accept the situation. And she might be able to
find him a daddy of her choosing; someone he would love and respect. He already cared for Bob, and she wondered how long it would be before he came home on leave.

  As soon as she walked through the church hall door, Danny charged towards her, holding out a plasticine model of a horse. ‘Look, Auntie Angel, see what I’ve made.’

  She made a point of inspecting it carefully, looking suitably impressed. ‘That’s really good, Danny.’

  ‘Yeah.’ He beamed at the praise, then tore back to join in the fun again.

  Angie watched his animated face as he talked to the other children. This was so good for him. She didn’t know of any group like this where they had lived in London.

  Looking up, she found an elderly man watching her, hands in his pockets, and with a slight stoop. The dog collar told her that this was the Rector. He looked docile enough.

  He smiled. ‘You must be Angie.’

  ‘Pleased to meet you, Rector.’ He had a firm grip when they shook hands.

  ‘Call me Geoff. We don’t stand on ceremony around here.’ His dark eyes crinkled at the corners. ‘I heard your boy call you Angel, and that’s just what you’ll be if you can help me with my typing.’

  ‘I’d be pleased to.’ She liked him instantly. There was a sense of humour lurking behind his eyes.

  ‘That’s a relief.’ He put his hands together and looked up at the ceiling. ‘Thank you, Lord.’ Then he winked at Angie. ‘Our prayers are answered when the need is great.’

  ‘Well, you should know, Geoff.’ Sally joined them, giving him a teasing grin. ‘Are you going to stay and help us feed the children?’

  A look of horror crossed his face. ‘I’m urgently wanted elsewhere.’

  ‘I thought you might be.’ Sally shook her head at Angie. ‘It’s strange, he’s quite happy to come and play with the children, but mention feeding time and he’s off.’