Fighting with Shadows

by Beryl Matthews

  ‘Before lunch tomorrow – Christmas Day.’ She handed him another parcel to put in place.

  When the presents were arranged to Danny’s satisfaction, he went out with John to see the pigs, both of them wrapped up against the biting wind.

  Angie wandered into the kitchen to see if she could help with the evening meal.

  ‘All settled in?’ Hetty glanced up from peeling potatoes.

  ‘Yes. Danny’s disappeared with John. Can I help?’

  ‘You can do the sprouts, if you like.’

  Angie put on the spare apron and set to work. ‘Where’s Dieter?’

  ‘He won’t be back until late. He’s found a job as pianist in a club just outside Bridgewater.’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t know that.’ Angie was surprised he hadn’t said anything to her. ‘Doesn’t he work for you any more?’

  ‘During the day he still works for us, and in the evenings he plays piano till all hours.’ Hetty gave her a disapproving glance. ‘The dear boy’s working himself much too hard.’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘Because he needs the money, of course.’

  Angie didn’t miss the sharpness in Hetty’s voice. She put the knife down and turned to face her. ‘What’s going on? We’ve only seen him a couple of times since the play, and he didn’t tell me he’d taken another job. He wanted to support Danny and me, but I wouldn’t let him do more than pay for Danny’s piano lessons and a pair of shoes he insisted on buying. I know he hasn’t got anything, and I would never take money from him, however much he wants to help. But he’s a proud man and hard to refuse.’

  Hetty sighed. ‘You know we think the world of him, and have done ever since he came to us from the POW camp. We were so happy when he turned up and met his son. It was lovely to see him smile again, but ever since Bob came on leave, he’s changed. I think he’s worried you’re going to marry Bob and take Danny away from him.’

  ‘But I’d never stop him from seeing Danny. He knows that, and we’ve agreed to tell Danny who he is.’

  ‘But what if you travel the world with Bob – how would he see him then?’

  ‘Hetty, this is ridiculous! Bob hasn’t asked me to marry him. I really believe he doesn’t want any permanent commitments.’

  ‘And how do you feel about that?’

  How could she answer that? The attraction between them was strong, and, to be honest, she would like to be closer to him. In that way they could find out if there was any hope of a future for them together. But how could they do that when he was here one minute and gone the next? Bob had said he would never marry again, but he hadn’t tried to hide the fact that he found her attractive, and she felt the same about him. But there was Dieter …

  ‘Angie, you haven’t answered my question.’ Hetty touched her arm.

  ‘We’re attracted to each other, but a man wouldn’t want to take on another man’s child. My last boyfriend said that no one would marry me while I had a young child to care for. And nothing in this world would make me give up Danny.’

  ‘That boyfriend of yours was a selfish bastard.’ Hetty smiled sheepishly. ‘Pardon my language, but he didn’t know what he was talking about.’

  ‘Maybe.’ Angie picked up the knife and continued to prepare the sprouts, swallowing hard to control the emotion. ‘I’m a young woman and would naturally hope to marry one day, but, if that doesn’t happen, I’ll be content with Danny. Bob likes me, but after one failed marriage I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t risk it again.’

  ‘That isn’t what Dieter believes. I think he’s so worried that he wants money in case he has to try to stop you taking Danny out of the country.’

  ‘You’re all jumping to conclusions! A man pays me some attention and you’ve got me walking up the aisle. It’s nothing.’

  ‘Then tell Dieter that, Angie. He has a right to know if anything will affect his son.’

  ‘I will.’ Angie felt guilty. She should have spoken to him after he had seen them all together after the shopping day out. But he’d come round the next day, listened to Danny playing through what he’d learnt and never mentioned anything, or voiced his fears. Like a heartless fool she had just left it at that. She shouldn’t have done that. Her sigh was ragged. She had no right to cause him more pain.

  It was one o’clock in the morning when Angie heard Dieter creeping up the stairs. Slipping out of bed, she put on her dressing gown and opened the bedroom door just as he was walking past.

  ‘Dieter,’ she whispered. ‘I need to talk to you. Let’s go down to the kitchen.’

  He nodded and followed her, surprised.

  She made them both a cup of cocoa, and then sat opposite him at the large kitchen table, wondering how to start. He looked strained. ‘How’s your new job?’

  ‘It is all right. The pay is reasonable.’

  Angie sipped her drink. There was only one way to do this, and that was to go straight to the point. ‘I want you to know that I would never do anything to separate you from Danny. I’ve given you my word. There is no need for you to work day and night.’

  ‘Is there not?’ The stunning grey eyes focused on her. ‘What if you want to take Danny out of the country? How would I see him if I do not even have the money to travel? I have seen how he loves you. I could not take him away from the person he has known from birth and adores. I have considered it, very seriously, but it is not possible.’

  ‘This is our home now. I’m not going to take him anywhere.’

  ‘Oh, you say that with such conviction, but what if Strachan wants to marry you? He is a career soldier, moving about all the time.’

  ‘Bob hasn’t asked me to marry him!’ She was getting cross now.

  ‘Not yet, but I have eyes.’ He sighed wearily.

  ‘Dieter,’ she said, leaning towards him, ‘whatever happens in the future, I would never, never take Danny away from his real father.’

  Dieter sat back, his gaze searching. ‘You would sacrifice your own life and happiness for Danny?’

  ‘What a daft question to ask! Of course I would. He is the most important person in my life. And looking after him is no sacrifice! If there are ever to be any changes, we will discuss it together. Believe me, Dieter. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone.’

  He let out a long breath. ‘I believe you.’

  ‘Good.’ How dare he doubt her. ‘Now, let’s forget all this nonsense. Are you still set on Danny being told that you are his father?’

  ‘Yes, tomorrow, before lunch.’

  Angie chewed her lip in concern. ‘Okay, I’ll tell him when he’s relaxed and opening his presents.’

  ‘I will tell him, Angie. It is my right.’

  ‘He might accept it better if it came from me.’ She gave him a pleading look. ‘He isn’t four until May, and this will be so hard for him to understand. If I told him …’

  Dieter shook his head. ‘I will explain carefully. I love him as well.’

  Angie stood up, seeing little point is discussing this any longer. His mind was made up. ‘Very well, Dieter, we’ll do it your way.’

  She left him sitting at the table, and, on reaching her bedroom, she stood by Danny’s bed, looking down at her precious child, praying they were doing the right thing. He’d had such a terrible time after finding his mother dead, but he was much better now and enjoying his new life here. It frightened her to think they might be doing him more harm than good by suddenly presenting him with a father. If only he were older and could understand …

  Slipping back into her bed she stared up at the ceiling, eyes wide open. She was probably worrying too much. Danny liked Dieter and would most likely throw himself into his arms in delight.

  She turned over and thumped her pillow into shape. There was something niggling away at her, and she couldn’t shake it off. Danny had asked only that one time about his father, and he’d never mentioned it again. It was strange, and the nearer they came to telling him, the more uneasy she became. Why had he dropped the subject so co
mpletely? It was as if he didn’t want, or didn’t need, to know any more.

  With a sigh she buried her head in the pillow and tried to sleep. Her imagination was running riot. Why was it that in the middle of the night fears magnified, and small problems grew out of all proportion?

  Christmas Day and the kitchen was full of the most wonderful smells. Although food was still rationed, living on a farm did have its advantages. There was a goose in the oven and lots of lovely fresh vegetables. Danny was out with John and Dieter, helping to feed the animals. It was a task that had to be done whatever the occasion.

  ‘This is going to be a wonderful meal, Hetty. My mouth is watering already.’ Angie grinned; her fears of last night had vanished with the dawn. She could hear Danny laughing and chatting outside in the yard, probably getting in the way as he tried to help.

  Hetty glanced at the clock. ‘Nearly ten – the men will be in soon. I’ll make the tea and then we can open the presents. I can’t wait to see Danny’s face.’

  ‘Nor me.’ Angie wiped her hands and pushed her hair away from her eyes. It was hot working in the kitchen. ‘As this is our first Christmas without Jane, I thought it might be difficult, but Danny seems so happy and excited. Here, let me take that.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Hetty gave her the loaded tray to take into the front room.

  There was a lovely log fire burning in the grate, casting flickering lights on to the Christmas tree, making its decorations sparkle. Angie put the tray on a small table by the window, a warm feeling of pleasure surging through her. The presents were stacked around the base of the tree. Her darling boy had lovely gifts, and he was going to be so excited.

  The door burst open and Danny rushed in, followed by John and Dieter. Their faces were glowing from the keen north wind. This was such an exposed spot, and when the wind was blowing it fairly howled across the fields.

  ‘We’ve fed the animals.’ Danny stood in front of the tree, grinning. ‘Is it time for presents?’

  ‘I don’t think you can wait any longer.’ Angie laughed and knelt down by the packages, handing him each one and telling him who to give it to, watching with a smile as he trotted from person to person.

  When they all had their presents, Danny sat on the floor and began to rip open each of his. He gurgled with delight over an army tank sent by Bob, showing it to everyone. Then he went back to opening the rest of his presents. As soon as the wooden car was in his hands, Dieter sat with him.

  ‘Cor, it looks like my truck.’

  ‘That is because I made them both.’

  Danny ran his fingers over the bright paint. ‘I ’member, you gave it to my mummy.’

  ‘That is right.’ Dieter paused for a second, then continued. ‘I knew your mummy very well, but after the war she went back to London and I returned to Germany. She did not tell me you had been born.’

  Danny was watching him, not saying a word, and Angie was finding it hard to breathe. Please don’t let this talk of Jane upset him again, she prayed silently.

  ‘It was a great joy and surprise when I saw you for the first time.’ He ran his hand gently over his son’s bright hair. ‘I am your father, Danny.’

  The atmosphere in the room was tense. John and Hetty were sitting by the fire, watching intently. For a minute, though it seemed longer, nothing happened; then Danny’s reaction shocked all of them. He dropped the toy and scuttled away from Dieter, heading for Angie. He grabbed her legs and pulled himself up on to her lap.

  Once he was safely with her, he whispered rather loudly, ‘He’s telling fibs, Auntie. Mummy said it’s wrong to tell fibs.’

  Dieter was on his feet, his expression stricken. ‘What is this “fibs”?’

  ‘Lies.’ Angie held the agitated child close. ‘He thinks you’re lying.’

  ‘It is the truth, Danny. I would not lie to you about such an important thing.’ Dieter tried to take hold of his son’s hand, but Danny pulled away. ‘You’re not my daddy! You’re not! Mummy told me …’ He was in a panic now.

  ‘Shush.’ Angie smoothed her hand over his silky fair hair. She was completely bewildered by this reaction.

  ‘What does he mean?’ Dieter’s voice was husky. ‘What did Jane tell him about me?’

  ‘I don’t know, I swear I don’t.’ Angie lifted Danny’s head so she could look at him. ‘Darling, Dieter isn’t telling fibs. He really is your father. What did your mummy tell you?’

  His mouth set in a stubborn line. ‘He’s not my daddy. Uncle Bob’s my daddy.’

  Angie felt as if she had been hit by a prizefighter, and she saw Dieter reel back in shock. Where the devil had he got that idea from?

  ‘That’s not true.’ Dieter raised his voice. ‘He doesn’t look anything like Strachan. He is the image of me!’

  ‘Don’t shout at my auntie.’ Danny had wriggled round to face Dieter, his little fists clenched in fury.

  ‘Naughty to tell fibs. Uncle Bob is my daddy. I know. You go away.’

  With a feeling of utter helplessness, Angie watched Dieter leave the room. This was terrible, and unbelievable. She had been concerned about telling Danny when he was so young, but never for an instant had she imagined that this would happen. Her worry had been that he wouldn’t understand and become confused – not that he would reject Dieter so firmly. He liked Dieter, so what on earth was going on in his mind?

  Danny slid off his auntie’s lap. He still had presents to open, but he felt nasty inside. He’d get his mummy’s truck; that always made him feel better. Running as fast as he could, he went upstairs and found the truck. He wished his mummy was here. She wouldn’t tell fibs.

  Clutching the precious reminder of his mother to him, he started back down again. Auntie was at the bottom waiting for him, so he walked very carefully, not wanting to fall. Was she cross with him? He watched her face as he came down one step at a time, and when she bent and kissed his cheek, he gave a smile of relief and ran past her into the front room.

  He put the truck next to the pretty car. They were nice. Mummy would have put the car in her special box as well. Dieter was clever, but he was naughty. He shouldn’t have said those things. It had upset him, and he didn’t want to be upset on this lovely day. Granny and Grandpa had made it all nice for them, and so many presents!

  There was a great big parcel he hadn’t opened yet. His fingers worked feverishly until the box was open.

  ‘Ooh!’ He held up a train. ‘This is better than Em’s. Wait till she sees it.’

  ‘I’ll show you how it works, shall I?’ John sat beside him on the floor.

  He nodded eagerly. He liked Dieter and was disappointed he told fibs; he shouldn’t have done that. He knew who his daddy was. He wouldn’t think about nasty things any more.

  Angie watched in consternation. Apart from the loss of colour in his face, Danny appeared to be all right and not overly distressed, now that Dieter wasn’t here. Seeing that he was fully occupied, she slipped out of the room, looking for Dieter.

  She could see from the kitchen window that he was in the yard, leaning on the old tractor, head down and not wearing a coat in the bitter wind. Slipping on her coat, she took his greatcoat off the hook and stepped outside. He’d catch his death of cold out there.

  ‘Dieter,’ she said when she reached him. ‘Put your coat on.’

  He seemed oblivious to her, so she draped the coat across his shoulders. ‘Come inside. It’s freezing out here.’

  When he turned, she gasped and her heart ached for him. His face was wet with tears. ‘Oh, Dieter.’ She stepped forward and slid her arms around him. ‘It’ll be all right. I’ll find out what this is all about.’

  ‘I should have listened to you.’ He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair. ‘But I wanted so much for him to know that I am his father.’

  ‘I know, but I don’t think it would have made any difference who told him. He’s obviously got this idea that Bob is his father, but I don’t understand why.’

  Dieter
held her away from him, searching her face. ‘You do not believe that?’

  ‘Of course not. Any fool can see he’s your son, and Jane put your surname on his birth certificate. Danny’s full name is Daniel Cramer Harris.’

  ‘I did not know that.’ He wiped a hand across his wet face.

  It tore Angie apart to see him so upset. In the few weeks she’d known him, her respect had grown steadily. She had found him to be a kind, talented man, with a strong sense of honour. She was certain that if her cousin had told him she was expecting his child, he would never have left her, no matter how worried he’d been about his family. He would have had to return to Germany for a while, but he would have come straight back.

  ‘I don’t understand where he’s got the idea that Bob is his father.’

  ‘From Strachan!’

  Angie looked up, surprised by the vehemence in his voice. ‘Oh, I can’t believe that. Why would he do such a thing?’

  ‘Because he wants you, and what better way is there to accomplish that than to convince Danny he is his father?’

  ‘He wouldn’t do such a thing, surely?’ Angie chewed her lip as doubt began to surface. Had she been taken in by his smiles and kisses? She was sure he wasn’t the marrying kind … but was he trying to cause trouble? She shook her head from side to side. No, she couldn’t believe that of him.

  ‘The man is a born soldier, Angie, and will use any strategy to win what he wants.’ Dieter put on his coat, his expression grim. ‘If he has done this, I shall never forgive him.’

  ‘There must be another explanation.’ Angie was very reluctant to believe Bob would act in such an underhand way.

  ‘What else is there? Why would Danny believe this unless the Colonel had told him?’ Dieter turned and began to walk out of the yard.

  Angie caught his sleeve. ‘Where are you going?’

  He shrugged. ‘I do not know, but my son has rejected me.’

  ‘So you’re going to run away and leave me to deal with this disaster?’ Sympathy evaporated and her anger bubbled over. ‘This was your idea, Dieter, and now that it’s all gone wrong you’re going to disappear. I thought you had more backbone than that!’