Happy Snak

by Nicole Kimberling

  “It is too dry,” Wave said.

  “But it’s soft.”

  “Do you have a damp towel?” Wave knotted its fingers. “When I go to Roy and Cheryl’s to watch a film, they give me the damp towel to sit on.”

  “Okay.” She dampened her bath towel, folded it in quarters and handed it to Wave.

  “Do you have a garbage bag?”

  Gaia supplied one. Wave spread the garbage bag out on Gaia’s bed, then smoothed the moist towel over it and sat down.

  “Do you have the Book of Instructional Wisdom?” Wave asked.

  Gaia tossed the booklet across the bed.

  As Wave perused the manual, the Kishocha stroked its cranial tendrils absently. Gaia randomly pressed combinations of buttons on the remote. Wave asked for the remote control and, after a few seconds of flipping through various menus and settings, handed the control back to Gaia.

  “I just can’t get the volume control to work,” Gaia said. “You want to try again?”

  “No need.”

  “I knew you could figure it out.”

  “Did you read any of the Book of Instructional Wisdom?” Wave asked.

  “Sort of.”

  “No, you are a liar. You have read none of it. If you had read, you would know that this product’s sound system is sold separately. There is no sound. This ‘no reading’ problem of yours is why you do not have command of the Frymaster brand fryer either, while I, having read the Book of Instructional Wisdom and passed the Tests of Competency, will be receiving my certification from Frymaster Corporation. I will fix the Frymaster then.”

  “You took the correspondence course?”

  “The label said that only a certified repair person could fix the machine, so I asked for certification,” Wave said. “Now I may also fix the Frymaster in the Embassy Club which has been acting irrationally.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Frymaster Corporation master controller referred them to me to fix their machine. I will do this on Tuesday and be paid many money pieces. But I cannot fix the sound because there is no sound part to fix.”

  “Well, we can still watch without sound.” Gaia reached for the surveillance remote control, but paused at Wave’s expression. “Are you sure you want to spy? You don’t have to.”

  This startled Wave out of its reverie. “Oh, yes! I want to do the spying.”

  “Why are you looking like that, then?”

  “What am I looking like?” Wave asked. Gaia mimicked its soulful expression. “It is Sharkey. I am attacked by melancholy.”

  Gaia screwed up her face. “I don’t like that Sharkey.”

  Wave’s eyes narrowed. “And so?”

  “I just wanted to mention that I don’t like Sharkey.” Gaia rummaged through her refrigerator for some snacks. “And when did you muzzle with Sharkey anyway?”

  “On Wednesday, when you were at Electrical Authority to pay the fine. It was the morning of Kenjan’s criticism by the scholar True Current. Roy and Cheryl were busy with customers and Sharkey came to find me.”

  “Why?” Gaia popped open a bag of pickled iguana eggs. She’d purchased them specially to try out on Wave, but had forgotten until now.

  Wave looked at her blankly. “To muzzle me, of course. Are you hearing my story?”

  “Sharkey came just to muzzle you?” No wonder Sharkey had known how to open up her door.

  “Yes, very honorable. Guard Sharkey did not pretend to gamble with me, then slip and fall and jam its muzzle into my pit like some people have tried.” Wave looked thoroughly disgusted. “Sharkey said to me, ‘Wave, I wish to muzzle with you. I have brought spicy squid suction cups to show my intention,’ and there was a heap of suction cups with stinging jelly and I said, ‘Come in Sharkey, and give to me the suctions.’ And I was shy, but I pretended to be wise and sat in my sponge nest like it was the regal bed of anemones.”

  “Was it your first time muzzling?” Gaia asked. Wave snorted and yipped. Gaia interpreted this as laughter.

  “No, I have muzzled before, certainly. I am an adult for longer than you have been swimming alive.”

  “Sorry.” Gaia offered Wave an iguana egg, which the alien savored before continuing.

  “But it was the first time muzzling with Sharkey, whose tongue is so agile.” Wave kneaded the moist towel.

  “I thought you said that Sharkey hated you.”

  “No, I just said Sharkey was arrogant. Now I know that Kenjan would not let Sharkey court me because Sharkey is Seigata’s servant.”

  “So?”

  “So Sharkey would tattle on Kenjan to Seigata, as was its duty as a servant.” Wave’s face convulsed in sudden misery. Gaia held out her bag of eggs. Wave shook its head. “Sometimes a servant’s duty is the cruel, wrong thing to do.”

  “Kenjan was right to bar Sharkey from ever entering our garden.” Wave curled its knees up to its chest. “Sharkey is bad.”

  “Did Sharkey do something to you?” Gaia sat next to Wave. Dampness seeped into her pants.

  Wave suddenly seized the remote control. “We should see what Kenjan and Oziru are doing now.”

  “Right.” Gaia stood. The wet fabric stuck to her thigh.

  “Do you always spy?” Wave asked.

  “Only when I’m worried about someone.”

  “Are all humans peekers and perverts?”

  “Perverts?”

  “Because these cameras are made just for spying, lots of people must be peekers,” Wave said.

  “I suppose so.”

  “Even you have set up a camera to peek.”

  “I set up the camera so I can see if something bad is happening,” Gaia said.

  “Something bad is happening. They are yelling and spitting acid. But nothing serious will come of this. I know, I’ve seen them fight before often. You should not worry. Let us have fun spying.”

  “So you don’t mind if I turn the camera on now?”

  “Please do feel free! We can peek at the fighting faces of Oziru and Kenjan and laugh together like friends at the misery of our betters.”

  “I was trying to figure out when Oziru might be leaving so that I could get in there.” Gaia pressed a button, and the picture assembled itself, slightly out of focus.

  “Oziru will feed Kenjan tonight. No need to go in, but exciting to spy anyway.”

  Gaia sharpened the visual.

  Oziru reclined right on the edge of the calligraphy line. Kenjan leaned as close as possible without breaking the barrier. They were within an inch of each other.

  Wave shook its head. “This is not the demeanor of a person who has forgotten its great first love.”

  “Especially since Oziru’s going to be remarried,” Gaia agreed.

  “I know, Sharkey told me. Well, Oziru and Kenjan are not fighting any longer.”

  “That’s good, I guess.” Gaia poked around in the iguana eggs, looking for one that wasn’t already broken. “Maybe Oziru will leave soon.”

  “I do not think Kenjan will let Oziru leave. Great surprise! Forbidden contact!”

  Oziru lunged across the line and swept Kenjan into its embrace. Oziru’s tentacles lashed around Kenjan like the coils of an aggressive constrictor. Oziru seized the shell pit guard, which Kenjan had crafted, and ripped it from Kenjan’s throat. Loose shells scattered across the shrine floor. Kenjan threw its head back. Oziru buried its muzzle deeply in the folds of Kenjan’s pit.

  “Wow!” Gaia’s eyes popped wide open. Wave’s jaw hung slack. Oziru continued its ravenous molestation. Thick, red goo began to bubble and drip from Kenjan’s throat. The less-than-ideal camera angle prevented Gaia from inspecting Oziru’s pit for similar goo. Kenjan seemed willing, but because the alien was completely encased in Oziru’s tentacles it was hard to tell for sure.

  “Is that normal?” Gaia asked. Wave didn’t answer. “Wave!”

  “I am not peeking!” Wave yelped, then looked around. “Oh. I forgot it was you.”

  “Is that red goo normal?”r />
  “Yes, very lubricated. Kenjan is always most fragrant. Honey-makers always buzzing around it for sweet smell.”

  “Can Oziru get its whole muzzle in there?”

  “Mostly,” Wave said. “I wish I could hear.”

  “They’re not saying anything.”

  “Kenjan’s tongue moves.” Wave pointed to Kenjan’s muzzle. Gaia zoomed in on it. Blurry, wet, striped flesh filled the screen. Wave jumped back. “Too close.”

  Gaia pulled the camera back to a head-and-shoulders shot. Kenjan’s tongue was, indeed, moving. Gaia squinted hard at Kenjan’s muzzle. What was she doing? She couldn’t read lips even when humans were speaking English. Her chances of deciphering the panted exclamations of passionate aliens were slim. “I bet Kenjan’s just talking about how big Oziru’s tendrils are.”

  “Certainly that, but Kenjan has always gotten its way with Oziru during muzzling,” Wave said.

  “Really?”

  Wave’s head bobbed in verification. “When Kenjan first wanted to talk to humans and Oziru said no, Kenjan muzzled and begged until Oziru says, ‘Fine, talk to the uglies. Just give me you for piercing.’ And then the first contact was made.” Wave popped another yellow iguana egg into its mouth.

  “Kenjan’s highly persuasive, huh?”

  Wave never took its eyes from the screen. “They really cannot see us, can they? I feel so…”

  “Perverted?”

  “Yes, we are big perverts. It is so wrong to peek at muzzling, especially forbidden ghost muzzling.”

  “Do you want me to turn it off?”

  “No, surely everyone has peeked before, but never at something so shameful as this.”

  Oziru pulled its muzzle from Kenjan’s throat. Oziru’s muzzle was shiny and sticky with red ooze. It looked like blood. Oziru’s thick tendrils relaxed a little, so Gaia could see Kenjan a little better. The former consort lay, cradled amid Oziru’s cranial tendrils. The purple flesh of Kenjan’s pit was engorged. Four turgid prongs of swollen flesh protruded from the slick petals of delicate tissue near Kenjan’s collarbones. Each was as long as Gaia’s thumb, bulbous and shiny. The flesh along Kenjan’s sternum had swollen, vaguely pink under its white skin.

  Slowly, Kenjan lifted a hand, pushing its fingertips steadily up Oziru’s chest until it reached Oziru’s pit guard. Kenjan didn’t remove the guard; rather it slid its fingers underneath the ornate jewelry. Oziru’s eyes closed; then it pulled Kenjan’s hand away. They seemed to pause to have a brief, sexy argument.

  Kenjan ran its tongue around the edge of Oziru’s pit guard. Oziru’s cranial tendrils flexed around Kenjan’s body. Oziru pulled its own pit guard from its neck. Thick strings of red fluid dripped from the guard as Oziru flung the jewelry away.

  Gaia peered at Oziru’s pit, which looked just like Kenjan’s, only the skin around Oziru’s sternum was not swollen. As Gaia watched, the same four prongs of flesh stiffened under Kenjan’s attentions.

  “Holy Waters!” Wave pointed at the screen. “They are going to pierce.”

  Oziru and Kenjan entwined themselves. Their throats locked together. They barely moved, except to quiver against one another. Abruptly, they both relaxed. Oziru disentangled itself brusquely. Kenjan reached after Oziru, but Oziru retreated too far. Kenjan sprawled at the water’s edge, its tentacles splayed out on the floor. Oziru slumped against the far wall. Oziru said something. Kenjan held out its hands.

  “I did not know Kenjan knew how to beg,” Wave whispered.

  Gaia felt sick and sorry.

  Pathetic silence filled the room. They watched in vile fascination as Oziru left.

  Wave hunched, hands over its face. Wave and Kenjan had a complex relationship. Was it painful for Wave to witness Kenjan’s humiliation?

  “Are you all right?” Gaia asked.

  “They will cross seed, and Kenjan will make pogs.” Wave’s cranial tendrils hung limply down its neck. “Ghost pogs… And then Oziru’s violation of the dead will be revealed. All evil will be revealed.”

  “No it won’t. Kenjan is barren.”

  “Kenjan is not,” Wave said.

  “What do you mean?”

  Wave failed to answer or even move.

  “Kenjan said all its pogs blackened and died within a day,” Gaia said.

  “That’s true. They have all died before.”

  Gaia smelled a faint tang of acid that rose from Wave’s skin. Her hands started to hurt.

  “There won’t be any evidence this time either. We’ll take care of the bodies.”

  “No.” Wave sank to the floor and pulled the damp towel over itself. “Because the others died of poison attack.”

  “What?” Gaia demanded. “What are you talking about?”

  “This is Sharkey’s secret that I learned. Sharkey poisoned all of Kenjan’s pogs with Holy Blackening Poison. It is the purifying poison that smells like bits-o-bakun. Sharkey killed every last one.”

  Gaia felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. Sharkey wasn’t her favorite person, but she’d never thought it was a baby killer.

  “Sharkey was ordered to be the executioner of Kenjan’s pogs,” Wave said. “Sharkey told me this because its heart was squeezed with regret at murder.”

  “Who ordered Sharkey to be an executioner?”

  “Sharkey’s master, Seigata. And now I have told you, like I promised I would not. I am bad.”

  “You’re not bad.” Gaia absently felt through her pocket for Kenjan’s pit guard. “But Sharkey is.”

  The pit guard still gave off that faint smell. The scary smell of bacon. She held it out to Wave, who recoiled from it.

  “Do not, Gaia. It is contaminated.”

  “So, Sharkey put poison on this too?”

  “No, Sharkey said that Seigata did that itself.”

  “How did Kenjan not smell the poison when it put this on?”

  “It hid the poison in a capsule made from gel. It knew Kenjan planned to go into the human sector and would be far from Kishocha waters by the time the capsule dissolved so there would be no one to help it.” Wave kept its eyes fixed on the jewelry as though it were a snake that might suddenly strike. “To make sure I would not be in attendance, Seigata sent Sharkey to delay me. It was how Sharkey and I first met each other.”

  This pit guard wasn’t a symbol of rank. It was evidence. No wonder Seigata wanted it back.

  Wave continued, “Seigata ordered that Sharkey should kill Kenjan’s pogs. Did Sharkey do right by following its master even into the barren desert? Or is Sharkey evil for blackening pogs and keeping Oziru without descendants?” Wave radiated distress. “Am I bad for telling what I promised I would not?”

  Gaia wished that she had remained ignorant. But knowledge had come, and it colored everything. Wave was the only true innocent in this affair.

  “We’ve got to tell Oziru.” Gaia stood.

  “No!” Wave shoved Gaia back onto the bed. “Sharkey will be executioned.”

  “Sharkey deserves to be executioned.”

  “I love Sharkey!” Wave yelled.

  “No you don’t.” Gaia hurled her empty PowerWoman!! box at Wave. “You don’t even want to look at Sharkey.”

  “Do not tell me who I love.” Wave caught the box and hurled it back at her.

  “Sharkey murdered Kenjan’s babies, Wave.”

  “Sharkey only followed the orders of its master, nothing more. That is what is right and natural. That is what makes the order. Sharkey is honorable.” Wave looked like a vengeful gorgon. “Sharkey does not have free will.”

  “So that’s okay then? Because you love Sharkey it’s okay that Kenjan is dead now?”

  “Why should servants suffer for doing what they are told? What if Sharkey had disobeyed Seigata? Then Sharkey would be dead, and I would be without love.”

  “You’d find other love,” Gaia said. “Better love.”

  “You know nothing of Kishocha. Do not dare to make statements about our love. Already I am lonely for my ha
lf-sibling. Why make me lonely for a lover as well?”

  “It isn’t fair for you. But it’s even less fair that Kenjan’s murder is never brought to justice.”

  “And so?” Wave said. “Maybe Seigata is brought to justice, but my Sharkey is also executioned from good loyalty to an evil master, and Kenjan is still dead. Do you know that Oziru did not sanction Kenjan’s death? No, you do not. Maybe Oziru wanted Kenjan to die. Maybe only we will be executioned to keep the peace.”

  “Can you really look me in the eye and tell me you believe Oziru authorized Kenjan’s death?”

  Wave snarled and collapsed back. “I concede. Oziru did not want Kenjan to be made dead.”

  “Kenjan isn’t dead. It’s sitting in there alive, fucking Oziru, moaning sad songs all night, and eating hundreds of dollars of chicken satay. That alien is alive.”

  “You make no sense.”

  “Kenjan gets to be alive again. I’m going to make it happen. Open!” she bellowed. The door stayed firmly closed. “Open.” She began pounding on the clenched sphincter of her door. “Dammit. I’m calling Fitzpatrick. We’ll get in the other door. Where’s my phone?”

  “Gaia.” Wave wailed from behind her. Gaia spun around and found Wave huddled on the floor behind her. “I beg you, Gaia, do not kill my Sharkey. I beg you please, Gaia. Please, please do not do it. You cannot bring Kenjan back from the dead. You can only hurt me.”

  Gaia swallowed in revulsion at Wave’s pitiful display. “Stop begging, Wave.”

  “Will you not do it?” Wave still huddled on the floor.

  “If I don’t, what’s going to happen when Kenjan has pogs? Are we going to shove them down the garbage disposal?”

  “We could hide them in an aquarium.”

  “Aquarium?”

  “Yes,” Wave said. “Pogs are only as big as the Cajun chicken sub sandwich. They will all fit into a big aquarium. It will be good.”

  It took Gaia a few moments to process the idea that putting babies into an aquarium was good. “I did see one listed for sale used in the classifieds. From that sushi place that went out of business on Boeing-4.”