“Do it! Or I’m getting the paddle!” TJ warned.
“No! You can’t!”
“Watch me!”
Responding to the threat and commanding tone, Danny’s body betrayed him by slumping into his partner’s lap. TJ waited to see him submit and relax his bottom before spanking him several more times. Once Danny gave up the struggle and accepted his authority, TJ lost steam and released him.
Danny, however, was re-energized. He jumped up, rubbing his sore bottom and fixing TJ with an accusatory stare. “That fuckin’ hurt!”
“I told you I wasn’t playing.”
Danny scowled, and then winced, as he pulled up his pants.
“What the hell were you thinking?” TJ demanded to know.
With slouched shoulders, Danny said, “I just wanted to have fun.”
“Fun? What do you think would have happened if Mitch found you out there?”
Danny’s face dropped and new tears began to form around his eyes. Assessing the marked change in his demeanor, TJ realized there was more going on than just bratty behavior. “Oh, hey, what’s the matter?”
Danny tried to shake it off. “Nothin’.”
“Come here, you.” TJ grabbed Danny and pulled him up against his chest.
Danny fought not to cry, but it didn’t stop the tears from streaking down his face.
“Aw, what are you so sad about? You got off easy, and we both know it.”
“It’s not like Mitch would bother punishing me anyways,” Danny complained under his breath.
“You’re not making any sense,” TJ said, confused. “Where is Mitch by the way?”
“He went to the gym.”
“Again?”
“Yeah, he practically lives there,” Danny whined while batting away his tears.
“You’re lucky Antonio isn’t home either. He’d have spanked your ass twice as hard. You know he doesn’t like you drinking unsupervised.”
“He doesn’t like me to do anything unsupervised.”
“Why are you being so downright disobedient?”
“I just wanted to feel...normal...” Danny trailed off.
“You don’t need alcohol to feel normal.”
“How would you know? You don’t know anything,” Danny lashed out childishly.
“Then tell me. And don’t say I can’t understand because nothing bad ever happened to me. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see someone you love in pain and not be able to do anything to help? Or to see him pushing away the people who love him, and feel helpless to stop it?”
TJ’s impassioned words stopped Danny’s tirade in its tracks. He had heard similar words from him in the past. This time it hit home. “I don’t mean to push people away.” His voice quivered. “But I don’t like to be forced into doing things. I’m tired of being told what to do all the time.”
“You know that’s part of the relationship we’re in. We are all bound by the structure of discipline. It’s one of the ways Mitch and Antonio show their love–by protecting us.”
“It’s really hard for me. I don’t like being forced to talk to strangers. Mitch is making me see Terry tomorrow.”
“Terry isn’t a stranger. Don’t you think you should see him? It might help.”
“Why, so he can tell me what I already know, that I’m not normal?”
“So he can help you to feel normal again.”
“Again? My mother was drunk my whole life. She let her boyfriends abuse me for booze. My father never gave a shit about me. When was I ever normal? I don’t even know what that feels like!”
“Maybe it’s time to learn.”
“How? By talking about my feelings? You want me to talk about what it’s like to be scum?”
Momentarily stunned by Danny’s self-deprecation, TJ started to say, “I know you feel bad...”
“Bad?” Danny cut him off in anger. “Do you have any idea what it felt like to let Stan do those things to me?”
“No, I don’t.”
“NO! You don’t! It wasn’t just what Stan did. I...I stopped fighting. I felt like...What’s worse than scum?”
“Oh, baby, it wasn’t your fault.”
“SHUT UP!” Danny screamed, shaking and covering his ears like a small child.
“Okay, okay, we don’t have to talk about it,” TJ promised, as he pried away the hands Danny smashed against the sides of his head.
Rage, acting as Danny’s ally and foe, swept in and was about to take over. He was ready to swing against TJ’s forceful presence until the frightened and worried expression on his lover’s face brought the instinct to a halt. “I...I’m hic sorry,” Danny cried.
TJ dropped his grip to gently brush away Danny’s fresh tears. “Me too,” he said, as his own tears began to fall.
For the remainder of the day, TJ stayed close to Danny. They didn’t speak much, but having TJ at his side while watching TV and puttering about the house gave Danny a sense of comfort and TJ peace of mind.
*****
Mitch made it home late that night. He never bothered questioning Danny about the missing half of the six-pack. Either he never noticed, or as Danny suspected, he chose not to address it.
By the next morning, Danny’s resentment toward Mitch was increasing. As the minutes clicked closer to the hour they would be leaving for counseling, he began to balk at the whole idea.
Mitch entered the living room annoyed to see Danny still in the clothes he went to bed in. He addressed him sternly. “Get dressed while I warm up the jeep. I have to fill up the tank and go to the bank on the way to your counseling session.”
Danny didn’t bother to stir. He continued to watch recaps of a ballgame he wasn’t allowed to stay up for.
“Now!” Mitch snapped, not appreciating being ignored. “I won’t have us arriving late,” he added, while clicking off the TV.
“I got plenty of time. Besides, I can go by myself.”
“No, I’ll be taking you.”
“Why? Brendan’s not out on the streets. He couldn’t set bail. It was too high.”
“I told you why yesterday. Plus, I want to make sure you get there.”
“Don’t you trust me?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
Danny rolled his eyes. “You can’t make me talk to the headshrinker.”
“Then I’ll talk and you can listen.”
“Why do I need to have therapy for that? Isn’t that what we do every day?” Danny sniped.
Mitch pinched the bridge of his nose, and said in a measured voice, “If you don’t get up, I’m going to make it hard for you to sit down.” He hadn’t reprimanded Danny with corporal punishment since his disclosure of sexual abuse, despite the young man’s conscious and unconscious attempts to provoke him. However, Mitch had never been one not to mean what he said. Unwilling to take the risk, Danny huffed and dragged himself from the couch. It wouldn’t be beyond Mitch to physically manhandle him into the car, and Danny had no desire to put himself through the humiliation of being carried kicking and screaming into therapy.
Chapter 2
I Statements
Danny sat in the therapist’s office kicking his heels against the legs of the chair he was sitting on as he listened to Mitch brief Dr. Terry Anderson on the reason for their visit. He knew Mitch must have already given him some background information, or they wouldn’t have gotten an appointment. So why they thought it was necessary to repeat the unpleasant facts that motivated Mitch to force him into therapy was beyond him.
Noticing the feigned disinterest that accompanied the scowl on Danny’s face, Terry turned to him and asked, “How have you been?”
“How do you think I’ve been? I’m here, aren’t I?”
Mitch was about to interject when Terry casually put out his hand to stop him.
“It doesn’t sound like you want to be here,” he said with an empathetic tone.
“I don’t!”
“Tell me, why are you here then?”
/> “Why don’t you ask Mitch? He’s the one that made me come.”
“You always have choices,” the therapist started to say.
“Not me. NOT where Mitch is concerned,” Danny retorted, making it clear he did not want to listen to the therapist’s tired clinical response.
“Are you saying Mitch is controlling you?”
“I’m not saying it. He is!” Danny stubbornly refused to get baited into a rational discussion.
“Relationships are not a one way street. It takes both parties to make it function.”
“Yeah, Mitch gives orders, and I follow them.”
Mitch was getting increasingly irritated with Danny’s taunting responses. He cleared his throat to make a scolding comment, but had to bite back his words when the therapist waved him off to continue probing Danny.
“How is it that you let Mitch control you?”
“I don’t let him, he just does.”
“You could always say no.”
Not liking the direction the conversation was going, Danny shut up and bit his nails.
“Do you disagree?”
“It’s not that easy to say no to Mitch.”
“Are you saying he can be very persuasive?”
“Ha, you can call it that if you want.”
“What would you call it?”
“Self-preservation.”
“Meaning what?”
Danny was fuming. The nosey therapist could be very persistent.
“Meaning, I value my life.”
“Are you saying he puts a gun to your head?” The therapist was being figurative and trying to make a point. He didn’t realize he was putting his foot in his mouth in regards to a recent traumatic event.
The comment hit a raw nerve, and Danny spat out, “No, I’m saying he hits me!”
Mitch had enough of Danny’s provocation. “I spank you!” he clarified. If Danny was attempting to embarrass him in front of the therapist then he was willing to do the same.
Dr. Anderson looked stunned for an unguarded moment before quickly reverting back to his professional demeanor. Concerned for the blushing teen now squirming in his seat, he asked poignantly, “There’s a difference?”
“Exactly!” Danny answered smartly.
“Yes, there is a big difference. Danny, I can assure you, knows darn well that there is,” Mitch answered through gritted teeth.
“Please explain it to me if you could. I have to admit, I’m a little confused by the semantics.”
The men shifted uncomfortably.
After pinching the bridge of his nose, Mitch was the first to respond. “Is that really necessary? We’re here to talk about Danny’s past, and how it’s impacting him now.”
“I think so. You’re in a relationship. What affects one, affects the other. You’re here as a couple, are you not?”
“Yes, we are together.”
“Can you tell me how that came to be?” Terry asked with genuine curiosity. “The last I saw Danny he was living with you as more of a dependent. Or was I mistaken?”
“No, you weren’t mistaken,” Mitch said, not wishing to elaborate.
The therapist turned to Danny for further explanation.
Already aggravated by the direction of the counseling session, Danny was becoming furious at Mitch for refusing to talk about their relationship. “He went from fathering me to fucking me. Well, not really fucking, more like fondling, except for now...he won’t even touch me,” he blurted out.
“DANIEL!”
“What? It’s true!” Danny defended, while blushing profusely.
Silent tension filled the room. Terry tried to defuse it with a little humor. “That’s more than you shared with me in over a year of counseling. If only I knew then how easy it was to get a confession out of you with a large muscular man in the room.”
Danny ignored the fact that it was meant to break the ice, and remained sullen. “I thought that was the point of therapy, to talk. Anyways, Mitch threatened me if I didn’t cooperate.”
“Yes, talking is a big part of it. Perhaps this is a good time for us to meet separately,” the therapist suggested, worried for the young man’s safety.
“Why? I don’t wanna talk to you alone.”
“I’m concerned that you’re here under duress. You might be more open to talking in private.”
“No, I…” Danny panicked, regretting his impulsively bitter comments. “Mitch said he’d stay here, that all I had to do was listen.”
“I have to say, you’re confusing me a little. I’m not really clear what it is you want.”
“Exactly,” Mitch jumped in, imitating Danny’s earlier quip. “Now you know what I go through all the time.”
“Well, there is something I still need to get clear on. Is Danny being hit? And, what exactly is the difference between that and a spanking.”
“Seeing how Danny was the one who thought it was necessary to bring it up, I’ll let him explain.”
Danny groaned, knowing Mitch had gotten the better of him in this match.
Terry leaned forward to face Danny, and repeated his offer for a private conversation on the matter.
Mitch was getting increasingly impatient as Danny sat with his arms crossed refusing to participate. “Danny, you have Dr. Anderson wondering if I’ve been abusing you. Please speak up and explain to him the difference.”
Hearing the warning behind Mitch’s strained voice, Danny muttered, “I get spanked.”
“What’s the difference?”
“It’s discipline. When I get in trouble, I get hit–spanked,” Danny corrected. He hadn’t really wanted Terry to get the wrong impression. He just lost his temper and wanted to put Mitch on the spot, like he was feeling.
“Spanked how?” Dr. Anderson pushed, wanting to make sure he wasn’t overlooking something more serious.
Danny could feel his whole body get warm. He knew he must have turned a deep shade of red and that made him blush even more.
“Do you feel safe continuing this conversation here?”
“Answer the doctor, Danny.”
Danny inwardly kicked himself for unwittingly setting off this line of inquiry. “Usually just on the backside. It doesn’t leave any permanent damage, and I’m not in any danger,” he admitted with lowered lashes and a quiet voice.
“We are involved in a discipline relationship,” Mitch said plainly.
“I’m assuming it’s consensual.”
“Obviously you know from my point of view it is. I’ll let Danny answer for himself.”
Danny shrugged uncomfortably as the men stared at him. “I guess.”
“You guess?”
Danny bit his lip and nodded his answer to the therapist.
“Did you understand the nature of the relationship when you entered it?”
“Yeah, I guess. I didn’t really think about it. I just wanted to be with them.”
“Them?”
Mitch spoke up again. “Yes, you may remember my partner Antonio, and you saw Ricky briefly for counseling. There are five of us altogether, including another partner, TJ.”
“That sounds very complicated.”
“We make it work.”
“We should explore that more in the future. But, for now, why don’t we talk about the two of you? You seemed to be having a rough time communicating. I have a little exercise we can try. I’m going to ask you each to practice using I statements, an active listening technique.”
Danny rolled his eyes, and Mitch put on his neutral face to pretend as if Terry’s suggestion hadn’t gone over like a lead balloon.
“If you’ll humor me,” the therapist continued, “I want you to take turns talking to each other by beginning each sentence with how you feel about something your partner does. Start with I feel using specific, but nonjudgmental, statements. And follow up with what you need or would like from the other. Then, the other partner is to repeat back what was said to show that they were listening and understood the other’s
point of view. Remember to make it nonjudgmental. People on the defensive tend to attack back.”
They both stared dumbly, as if he was speaking a foreign language.
“Let me begin by modeling it for you. I feel encouraged to hear that you both are interested in learning more about each other. I would like you to continue on the path by trusting me.” Terry paused, considering where to begin. Assuming the youngest could benefit the most, he asked, “Danny, would you like to go first?”
“No.”
“Please, give it a try. I promise it will be painless.”
Irritated by the persistent therapist, Danny spat out, “I feel stupid when you make me do these corny-ass exercises, so stop making me.”
Mitch choked back an aggravated laugh.
“Okay,” Terry said, “That’s a start. If I’m hearing you correctly, you are saying you feel uncomfortable with this exercise, and you do not want to be coerced into doing something you don’t see the value in.”
Danny sat back, gloating in satisfaction.
“Mitch would you like to take a lead on this and show young Danny that it’s not so difficult?”
Mitch cleared his throat twice more, and said, “I don’t like...”
“I feel,” Terry corrected.
“I’m feeling annoyed that Danny is choosing to be rude instead of cooperating. He needs to stop or his backside will be sorry.”
“Can I suggest you try that again, only without the judgmental words and threats? Also, look at Danny when you say it.”
Before he had a chance, Danny piped in, “Mitch doesn’t take suggestions. The only active listening he does is when he’s forcing me to listen to him!”
Terry ran his hand down the side of his face and rested it by his jaw. “Okay,” he said in defeat. Realizing any attempt to push the exercise would be futile, he changed tactics. “We’ll give that a break and try it again at another time. Why don’t we get back to what brought you here today.”
Glad to be on more familiar ground, Mitch spoke up, “Danny’s flashbacks and nightmares have been recurring, and he is reacting more violently to them.”
Out of adequate nails to chew, Danny began biting the skin around his fingers to avoid the eyes that turned to study him.
“What have they been about? Do you know?” Terry asked.
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