Danny nodded and kept his head down so he wouldn’t have to show his shame.
“Would you care to share them with me?”
Danny shook his head no.
Mitch sighed and said, “As I mentioned to you on the phone, Danny recently opened up about being abused as a child.”
“Yes. I believe you said it was by a boyfriend of his mother’s.”
“That’s correct. His name is Stan.”
Danny flinched at the name.
“I do remember hearing about him when Danny began counseling. What type of abuse are we talking about?”
Both men remained silent.
The therapist rephrased the question. “Was it sexual abuse?”
Mitch watched as his boy’s fingers went back in his mouth. He answered for him. “Danny hasn’t shared any specific details, but yes, it was sexual in nature.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Sexual abuse can be very difficult to cope with. Keep in mind, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of, Danny. Many males have been abused in that way during their childhood. Too many. Unfortunately, very few come forward.”
Danny refused to look at Terry who was trying to engage him in eye contact.
“I understand. It’s not easy to talk about. I’m glad you were finally able to tell someone.”
Terry could see Mitch begin to tense up. “Abuse hurts a lot of people, not just the ones directly victimized,” he said in sympathy.
Danny stole a peek over at Mitch, who was trying to remain stoic despite the red forming in his eyes. A sharp pain attacked the pit of the boy’s stomach. “Yeah, and now Mitch won’t even touch me,” he grumbled.
“What do you mean?” asked the therapist.
“He doesn’t want to be around me anymore, not since he learned that...” Danny was angry with himself for letting his eyes well up. He didn’t want to admit how much it hurt.
Mitch cut him off before he could finish. “That’s not true.” Seeing his boy upset, he tried to reach out to him.
Danny turned away, rejecting his contact.
Mitch shook his head as he steeled himself for his admission. “I’m sorry, he’s right. It has been difficult for me.”
Hearing Mitch speak aloud the words he was afraid of stung. The pain in Danny’s stomach intensified. He bit his lip to quell his urge to cry. But there was no masking the distress on his face.
“Tell us what you’re feeling, Danny.”
Danny firmly shook his head no.
“Obviously you are feeling something,” the therapist continued to prod.
“Danny,” Mitch spoke his name like an order, indicating he was expected to answer. It came out more like a plea.
“This would be the time to speak up,” Terry encouraged. “We can’t help unless you tell us what you’re feeling.”
“I...I feel disgusting, okay,” Danny forced the words out, hoping to stop all the questions. “Even Mitch is repulsed by me.”
“Danny, you know that’s not true,” Mitch insisted, as he tried to make another move toward him.
“It is...and get away from me...I don’t want you touching me now!” Danny pulled up his legs and huddled in his chair in a defensive posture.
The therapist put his hand out again to prevent Mitch from getting up. Mitch stopped midway, not sure what to do. Being in the therapist’s office, he respected Terry’s wishes and allowed him to take the lead.
Terry waited for Mitch to settle back. “Danny, can you look at Mitch? He’s trying to talk to you.”
Trapped and vulnerable, Danny resented the therapist for forcing the issue he was not ready to deal with. “Fuck you!” he yelled, voicing his betrayal. “I don’t need to look at anyone...are you happy? Are you happy now that everything is out in the open?”
Mitch could see Danny start to shake and show signs of losing control. To hell with decorum, he had his baby to think about. He leapt from his chair and rushed over to him.
“Leave me alone!” Danny kicked out frantically, catching Mitch in the legs.
Mitch swatted the legs down so he could gather his partner into his arms. He returned to his seat with Danny on his lap.
Wild arms thrashed out, until Mitch captured them in a tight embrace.
Danny struggled for control, and began slamming his head against Mitch.
Mitch’s take-charge instinct kicked in. He curled his muscular arm around Danny, confining the boy’s arms to his side. He then placed a restraining hand against the boy’s head and held it to his shoulder. “Shhh...It’s all right. I got you.”
Danny was powerless against Mitch. He knew from experience it was useless to fight. He soon gave in to the force of his demonstrative partner’s body and will.
“Why?” Danny cried. “Why?” It was the question that gnawed at his soul, a question he knew would never be answered.
“Shh...” Mitch continued to soothe, “It’s going to be okay.”
Danny sucked in a deep breath to steady his nerves, and take comfort in Mitch’s strength. He was given no other choice. Mitch’s muscles relaxed in relief as he felt his boy begin to calm. He loosened his grip around Danny just enough for the young man to shift, and fall against his chest. Danny buried his face into Mitch’s shirt to hide his tears.
The therapist, caught off guard again, watched the emotional scene turn tender. He got up to fetch tissues in order to give his clients privacy. Sitting back down, he regained his own composure while waiting for the two men, who appeared to have forgotten his presence, to remember he was there.
Mitch kissed the top of Danny’s head, before looking back at the therapist. Terry handed Mitch the box of tissues, which he declined.
“That was pretty intense.”
“It has been lately.”
“Danny, can you explain to us what just happened?”
Mitch hugged him firmly, before turning him around to face the therapist.
Finally conscious of where he was, Danny tried to squirm from Mitch’s lap to avoid seeing the pity on Terry’s face.
Mitch wasn’t ready to let him go. He pulled him in tighter.
“Miiitch,” Danny whined, as he struggled to free himself.
“Just stay put for a minute, Danny, and answer Dr. Anderson’s question.”
“Please, call me Terry.”
Mitch waited. When Danny didn’t respond he gently removed the hand from his mouth and repeated his directive. “Answer Terry’s question.”
Danny huffed. “Can’t I answer him from my own chair?”
“I prefer you stay here until you’re more settled.”
“I’m settled, okay? Lemme go.”
“No, you’re still agitated. I can tell.”
Danny sighed. Mitch was right. Feeling uneasy, he began to swing his feet again. Mitch tapped his knees to bring attention to it. Instead of quelling his irritation, it agitated him more. He swung one foot out and it came back hitting Mitch hard in the shin. Danny wasn’t sure if he intended to kick Mitch or not, but he certainly regretted the damage he caused.
Mitch winced, and then crossed his legs over Danny’s to keep them still. “I may need to invest in a pair of shin guards,” he said ruefully.
Terry gave a sympathetic chuckle.
“Sorry,” Danny groused. “It was an accident.”
“Not all accidents are that simple.”
“What do you mean?” Danny asked skeptically.
“It’s not the first time you accidently hit Mitch, is it?”
“Only an idiot would hit him on purpose. Have you noticed the size of him?”
“I have to say, it’s hard to miss.”
Danny made a face. “So why would you think I did it on purpose?”
“You seemed pretty mad for one.”
Danny took a big, open-mouthed breath, and looked away.
“And, for two, I would think, one might feel less inhibited by guilt if they physically attacked someone much bigger than them–someone, let’s say, who could be cou
nted on to take control if the situation got out of hand.”
Danny didn’t know how to respond.
Terry didn’t push it. He could tell with the roll of his eyes and the tightening of his lips that he was listening. He turned to his other client. “What are your thoughts on that, Mitch?”
“I suppose that makes sense.”
Leaning toward Danny, the therapist said, “You never answered my question from earlier.”
“What?” Danny snapped as the temperature of his blood began to rise.
Reading his body’s movements, Mitch strengthened his hold.
“What thoughts and feelings were going through your mind right before you started screaming and butting your head against Mitch?”
Danny’s eyes flared with anger. “I was mad. I wanted him to let me go.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to upset you with my questions. I’m just trying to understand.”
The aggravated teen spit out his chewed nails and crossed his arms in a huff.
“Danny, please try to cooperate without the hostile attitude.”
“Sorry, Mitch, but he keeps asking stupid questions. Isn’t it obvious how I felt?”
“Actually, things aren’t always as obvious as they seem,” Terry interjected.
“Then why don’t you tell me how I felt? You’re the therapist.”
“Well, I’m not quite sure how you felt, or why you were so upset. However, it seems to me that if you didn’t really want Mitch touching you, then you wouldn’t have been behaving in a way that got you just that.”
Danny was beginning to remember why he hated this therapist so much. Terry was a smug know-it-all. “I just got mad and lost my temper.”
“Is it true you’ve been doing a lot more of that lately?”
“So?”
“Is it also accurate that Mitch has been getting the brunt of your temper?”
The therapist’s words took the heat from Danny’s steam and he fell back into Mitch’s body.
“I can be a bit overbearing,” Mitch admitted.
“I’m sure that’s true,” Terry agreed. “Nevertheless, I believe there are other things at play here. You were sharing with us earlier, Danny, how hurt you’ve been recently by Mitch’s reluctance to touch you. How does it feel now to be sitting in his lap?”
Danny shrugged.
“You appear to be a little more relaxed.”
Danny bit his lip as Mitch voiced his concern. “You need to know that I have never been repulsed by you.”
“Yeah, right.”
“It’s upsetting that you even think that.” Mitch took a long sigh. The fears he had been holding needed to be released. “You’re a lot younger than me, Danny. I’ve been somewhat conflicted by that. I don’t want to do anything that would be misconstrued or considered wrong. I don’t want to add to your hurt.”
“It hurts when you act like there’s something wrong with me.”
“Sweetheart, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.”
Danny was momentarily taken aback by the endearment commonly used by Antonio. But his temper was still simmering, and it sparked again. “Then why am I here?”
“Because, I’m worried about you. We all are. You don’t want those nightmares to continue any more than we do. Not to mention, those meltdowns of yours must be as painful to go through as they are to watch.”
“More so,” Danny said sullenly.
“Then stop being so stubborn, and cooperate with your counseling.”
“I just don’t see how it can help.”
“That’s what we are going to figure out together,” the therapist chimed in. “There is a lot more to your situation than nightmares and meltdowns. And, if I were to hazard a guess, I’d say Danny’s past abuse isn’t the only thing creating stress.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” Mitch agreed.
“I’m listening.”
“You remember Ricky and the abusive relationship he was in with Brendan?”
“Yes, I certainly do.”
“Brendan came after him recently with a gun. You may have heard about it on the news.”
Terry’s eyes widened with recognition as the connection dawned on him. “The shooting at Lincoln Center. I apologize for not connecting the dots, and for my untimely comment earlier. I have to admit, I don’t follow the local news much.”
Mitch dismissed his blunder with a wave of the hand. “All of the boys have been a bit rattled.”
“I’m sure you have, as well.”
“Brendan had bail set while he awaits his day in court. In the meantime, he’s attempting to get charges pressed against me.”
“You?”
“I assaulted him with the butt end of the gun he had been aiming at us,” Mitch said, making no apologies for it.
“You fought the gun from him?”
“Had I not gotten to the gun in time he could have killed everyone I love. All in all, it couldn’t have ended any better. If I go to jail, so be it.”
Terry nodded, more than a little stunned. “You weren’t kidding when you said you had a lot going on. How is Ricky dealing with all of this?”
“He was pretty shaken, but he keeps a lot to his chest.”
“Someone else for you to worry about.”
“Indeed.”
“May I make a suggestion?”
“That’s why we’re here.”
“It seems to me, with five men going through various traumas, you could all benefit from therapy.”
“That might be true, but right now, Danny is the one in the immediate crisis. This brace on his hand,” Mitch emphasized his point by lifting it up, “is the result of punching a dent into the headboard after one of his nightmares.”
“Is that so?”
Danny snatched his hand away, angry and embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to,” he said lamely, “it was an accident.”
“All the same, it is quite clear to me that Danny is not the only one with issues. My professional recommendation would be to have all the members of your family in counseling. Even if it was Danny’s situation alone, there would be significant ramifications for everyone.”
“Let’s get Danny’s situation under control first. We can talk about including the rest later.”
“Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that simply. How Danny is reacting impacts everyone, including you. Your reactions, in turn, impact him.”
Danny looked up, anxiously wondering how Mitch was going to respond.
“Fair enough,” he said.
“I can’t stress enough how important it is that everyone’s needs are being addressed. That’s true in any relationship. This isn’t just a Danny issue. It’s a whole family issue.”
“All right,” Mitch agreed. “What do you suggest?”
“Some of this may be out of my league. I am not that familiar with the structure of a discipline relationship, and with five of you, it’s a bit overwhelming.”
“That it can be.”
“No doubt. What I would like to do is contact a friend of mine. She is an expert in trauma, and we have co-counseled on a couple of cases before. If she is willing, and you are, I would like to arrange a meeting with everybody, and then set up some individual and group counseling sessions.”
“If that is what you think is best, I’ll give it some consideration.”
“Please do.”
“I’ll talk it over with Antonio and the others.”
Raising his wrist to check his watch, Terry commented, “The hour went by fast. Is there anything either of you would like to discuss in the last few minutes?”
Mitch hoped Danny would say something. Speaking on his behalf, he said, “What about the nightmares and flashbacks? What should we do about those?”
“We’ll need to explore that in more detail in our next session. For now, it is important that Danny uses those relaxation techniques I taught him. Do you remember them, Danny?”
“Sorta.”
�
��Nightmares are more likely to occur during times of stress. It’s best to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Get plenty of rest, exercise, and nutrition. Before going to bed, I would like for you to take some time to relax and think of happy thoughts. Try to wake up or change the course of the dream before it turns into a nightmare. It can also help to talk about them after.”
“What about the flashbacks?” Mitch asked.
“Those are a little trickier. But they can be managed. Be aware of triggers that may lead to them. With flashbacks, it can feel as if what you are remembering is occurring in present time. If that happens, Danny, you need to remind yourself that you are safe. Scan your surroundings, telling yourself what you currently see, hear, feel. If you find things getting too fuzzy put on some loud music or hold an ice cube. Use your senses to ground yourself. If your sense of taste and smell is strong, bite into something sour, like a lemon. Use anything that may jar your mind to focus on the here and now. It’s important to recognize the signs before they get bad.” Terry directed the rest of his comments to Mitch. “You and the other men can help with that. If you see him become unfocused, or you see signs that his heart rate is increasing, or his eyes dilate, speak calmly, and remind him he’s safe. Help him to use those different techniques. It’s difficult to do it on your own once you’re in the thralls of a flashback.”
“What if he starts to panic? He’s likely to start hitting or throwing stuff.”
“The idea is to get him to relax before it gets that bad. You don’t want to overwhelm him if you don’t have to. But, if it’s too late for that, it’s best to get him to a safe spot. Hold him down only if you absolutely have to. Although, I see he settled down quite nicely for you on your lap.”
“It wasn’t so easy the last time. It took a good twenty minutes for him to calm down.”
“As long as you are strong enough to restrain him without injury to either of you, it might be the only option. How are you feeling about all that, Danny?”
“It sucks.”
Terry gave a boisterous laugh in appreciation for the kid’s blunt response. Afterwards he asked, “What does? Can you be more specific?”
“The whole thing! The nightmares, the flashbacks, losing control, the needing to be grounded, like I’m some crazy loon that just flew from a cuckoo bin.”
Holding Tight Five in a Bed 03 Page 4
