GRYPHON
PROS: No one’s going to chase you if you’re flying on a beast with a lion’s body and an eagle’s head and talons.
CONS: If you’re wearing gold, it will rip you to shreds and take your gold to line its nest.
THE LORE: Gryphon stories have been around more than 2,000 years. The creatures are rumored to have lived in Asia, mostly near the Gobi Desert. Gryphons have a lion’s body and the head, wings, and claws of a giant eagle. Gryphons divided their time between snacking on horses and keeping a tribe of one-eyed miners called the Arimaspi from stealing their gold.
DRAGONS
PROS: Those leathery bat-like wings are fast. Can sometimes be persuaded to toast marshmallows.
CONS: Prone to snacking on roasted knights and kidnapping fair maidens.
THE LORE: Chinese dragons: wise and lucky. European dragons: cruel and greedy. Fossils have been found of animals with a long tail, huge teeth, and claws at the ends of their wings. Dragons? Nope. Just pterosaurs, but a huge flying reptile is pretty magical, too.
FAIRY WINGS
PROS: Lightweight, pretty
CONS: Attached to fairies, prone to shedding fairy dust (which may cause allergic reactions). Achoo!
THE LORE: It’s said that fairy wings are made of shifting light, emotion, and energy. Plus, they’re just for looks. Fairies don’t actually use their wings to fly. They wish themselves wherever they want to go. So unless you can do that, don’t bother stealing a pair of wings.
HOW TO BAMBOOZLE A TROLL
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Trolls might look scary, but we hear it’s easy to get the best of them. Just try one of these tricks!
1.Trolls sometimes try to pass for human, but they sleep during the day to avoid sunlight. When you come across a suspected troll napping, throw open the blinds. Some trolls will immediately turn to stone. Others will pull the bedcovers over their heads. If either of those things happen, you’ll know you’re dealing with a troll.
2.Trolls love to build things. The next time one bugs you, give it the biggest LEGOS set you can find. That will give you plenty of time to escape.
3.Many trolls have two or three heads. There’s even a story about a troll with 121 heads! If you need help with math homework, find a multi-headed troll. Give each head a different problem to solve. The troll will be too busy to bother you, and your homework will be done before you know it. (Warning: Never give two heads the same problem to solve. They’ll get different answers and argue about which one is right.)
4.All trolls are compulsive and like to sort things into piles and stacks. Next time your room’s a mess, invite a troll to visit. It won’t be able to resist tidying up.
5.Think dogs like sticks? Trolls love them. You may think they want to hit you over the head with those clubs they carry. They don’t. They want you to throw the clubs so they can chase them. (You know, like a dog would.)
6.Trolls always have long matted hair that covers everything but their noses. If you need to escape from a troll, give it a hairbrush and a mirror. Then run!
7.Like elves, trolls can be friendly or cruel. It all depends on how you treat them. If you want the trolls in your life to be nice, you have to be nice to them first. They will follow your lead.
8.Let’s face it, trolls smell horrible. Cologne would help, but trolls like to smell bad, so they won’t wear it. There’s a simple solution: Give the troll a bottle of toilet water (eau de toilette if it’s a French troll). Toilet water is actually watered-down cologne, but trolls don’t know that. The troll will think it’s water from the toilet, and it will sprinkle the stuff all over itself.
9.Want a surefire way to enjoy a troll-free life? Trolls hate being around people. So surround yourself with lots of (non-troll) friends.
TIKKI TIKKI WHO?
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An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale
A YOUNG HUSBAND AND WIFE were trying to decide on a name for their second son. “Have you ever heard the story of Tikki Tikki Tembo?” the woman asked. “It’s about two brothers in China. One was named Sam, just like our son. The other’s name was Tikki Tikki Tembo No Sarimbo Hari Kari Bushkie Perry Pem Do Hai Kai Pom Pom Nikki No Meeno Dom Barako.”
“That’s quite a name,” the man said. “But kind of hard to remember.”
They thought for a long time, but couldn’t decide on a name. “I love Sam, but his name is so plain,” the woman said. “I want this one to be special. Let’s look in a celebrity magazine.”
The magazine had lots of photos of men with names like Luke and Troy and Brad and Zach and Miles. And three more guys named Brad.
“Ho-hum,” the woman said. She yawned, then picked up another magazine: TV Guide.
“Oooooh,” she said. “There are some great names in here. Unusual ones, but memorable!”
She started listing the names of her favorite shows: The Vampire Diaries, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars… “I just can’t decide,” she said.
A few years later, Sam and his little brother were playing soccer in the yard. Sam kicked the ball so hard that it sailed over the fence. His little brother ran after it. As he crossed a large field, he fell into a hole. It was an old well, and so deep that Sam couldn’t reach him.
“Help!” cried the boy. “It’s really cold down here!”
“Don’t worry!” Sam yelled. “I’ll get Dad.”
Sam sped home and ran into the house. “Dad! Come quick! Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars has fallen into a well!”
Dad leaped out of his chair. “Did you say that Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars fell down a well?”
Sam gulped for air. “Yes,” he said.
“Let’s go!” Dad said. He called to his wife. “Honey, Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars has fallen into a well. Hurry!”
They ran to the well. Dad looked down into the darkness. “Are you all right, Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars?”
“I’m very cold and wet,” came a small voice. “Please hurry and get me out. I’ve been down here a long time.”
Dad could not climb down the well. The walls were too steep and slippery. “We need a ladder,” he said. “Hang in there, Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars! We’ll be right back.”
“Hurry!” called the boy. “I’m freezing!”
Dad ran to the neighbor’s house. “My son has fallen into a well,” he cried. “Do you have a ladder?”
“Which son?” asked the neighbor. “Sam?”
“No,” said Dad. “The little one—Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars.”
“Oh, no!” said the neighbor. “I’ll get my ladder.”
“Hurry!” said Dad. “Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars has been down there for some time. He’s very cold and in danger of freezing.”
The neighbor’s wife came into the garage. “What’s all the trouble?” she asked.
“Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars has fallen into a well,” the neighbor told his wife. “We have to hurry to save him.”
“Poor little Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars,” said the neighbor’s wife. “I’ll help.”
They all hurried back to the well. The neighbor scurried down the ladder and carried Vampire-Diaries-X-Factor-Biggest-Loser-American-Idol-Wheel-of-Fortune-Survivor-Dancing-with-the-Stars up. The boy was shaking, and his skin was icy cold. His pulse was slow, and he couldn’t speak. They rushed him to the hospital.
“If he’d be
en down in that well much longer, he would have died,” said the doctor. “What took so long?”
“His name.” Dad shook his head. “It took ten times as long to explain what had happened.”
“Maybe it’s time for a nickname,” said the doctor.
Two years later, Sam and Biggest Loser’s mom gave birth to twin boys. They named them Brad and…Brad.
THE END
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WHAT’S IN A NAME?
There are at least 500 fairy tales that include a mysterious helper who demands a terrible price—unless the hero guesses his name. Here are our top ten magical helpers.
1.Rumpelstiltskin (Germany)
2.Tom Tit Tot (England)
3.Hoppentînken (Germany)
4.Whuppity Stoorie (Scotland)
5.Silly go Dwt (Wales)
6.El Enano Saltarín (Spain)—in English the name means The Jumping Midget
7.Peerie Fool (Orkney Islands, Scotland)
8.Ferradiddledumday (Blue Ridge Mountains, U.S.A.)
9.Minnie Merran (Shetland Islands, Scotland)
10.Irnst Jacobs, the Werewolf of Vietlübbe (Germany)
MOTHER GOOSED
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Uncle John thinks it’s only fair to make fun of fairy tales.
Q:Why was Bo Peep surprised when it took three sheep to make one sweater?
A:She didn’t know they could knit.
Q:Where did the three blind mice go after the farmer’s wife cut off their tails?
A:To the retail store
Q:Which fairy tale animals are the rudest?
A:The three Billy Goats Gruff. They’re always butting in.
Q:What did Baby Bear call his grandpa after Goldilocks stole his false teeth?
A:Gummy Bear
Q:Which fairy tale star wears a coat all winter and pants all summer?
A:The Big Bad Wolf
Q:Why did the little pig go to the restroom?
A:So he wouldn’t wee wee all the way home.
Q:Why did the Frog Prince need life insurance?
A:Because he croaked every night.
Q:What grew down when it grew up?
A:The Ugly Duckling
Q:Why does everyone keep secrets from the Three Little Pigs?
A:Because they’re squealers.
THE WELL-DRESSED KNIGHT
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Knights of the Middle Ages were like walking tanks. Here’s all the stuff they needed to put on before going into battle.
AKETON
The well-dressed knight would never wear metal against his skin. He put on this quilted jacket first. The armholes of an aketon had to be extra large so the knight could move his arms. That came in really handy when he needed to lift a lance or swing a sword.
BREECHES
Knights wore stockings under their armor. No, not the kind women wear today. These stockings (called breeches) were made of linen or wool. They protected a knight’s legs from bruising and chaffing, the way an aketon protected his upper body.
MAIL ARMOR
The most common form of medieval armor was made of thousands of metal rings linked together. But don’t call it “chain mail” unless you want a medieval scholar to laugh at you. Since “mail” means rings linked together and “chain” does, too, experts say the modern term “chain mail” is like saying the same thing twice.
HAUBERK
A knee-length mail shirt, with or without sleeves. The hauberk had to be split in the back and front, all the way to the hip. Why? So that a knight could ride a horse without his mail shirt riding up and leaving his breeches exposed to the breeze.
PLATE ARMOR
Mail armor could thwart a sword or a knife, but small arrows? Those could be a problem. One knight met defeat when an arrow sliced through his mail shirt, his mail breeches, his thigh, and even through his wooden saddle to “nail” him to his horse. Steel plates worn over mail gave a knight more protection. By A.D. 1400, the best-equipped knights wore up to 200 metal plates over their mail. The plates overlapped, covering a knight like a lobster inside its protective shell.
COIF
Think knights didn’t have much under their helmets? They did. First, a knight put on a cloth cap to protect his scalp. Then he slipped on a hood made of mail called a coif (sounds like “quoff”).
HELMET
The first helmets were like upside-down metal bowls sitting on a knight’s head. Later, knights wore helmets with hinged visors to protect the entire head. Safer, but hard for a knight to see someone sneaking up on him.
GORGET
This armored collar made it impossible for a knight to bend his neck. But a stiff neck is better than a sword to the throat!
TABARD
A tabard was a sleeveless short coat worn over a knight’s armor. This part of the well-dressed knight’s gear showed off his coat-of-arms.
GAUNTLET
Armored gloves. Good for protecting a knight’s hands, smacking a squire on the shoulder (to dub him a knight), or throwing on the ground to issue a challenge.
GREAVES
These metal plates were the part of full-body armor that covered a knight’s shins. They came in pairs (Duh!).
SABATONS
A knight’s feet were protected by pointy-toed metal foot covers. The longer the pointy toe, the higher the knight’s ranking. The pointed toe of a noble’s sabaton could be up to one foot long. A lord’s could be up to two feet long. But a prince could wear sabatons of princely proportions: up to two-and-a-half feet long.
Last, but not least, what must a well-dressed knight never forget? To use the garderobe (the castle bathroom) before suiting up!
MAGICALLY DELICIOUS
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An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale
NOT LONG AGO in a supermarket not far away, Max hurried down the cereal aisle ahead of his mother. He snatched a box of Sugar Gems from the shelf. Tiny gnomes were pictured all over the box, holding fistfuls of emerald green and ruby red Sugar Gems.
“I’d do anything for a bowl of these,” Max said. His mouth watered just thinking about it.
“Put those back, Max,” said his mother as she caught up. She grabbed a different box. “That junk will stunt your growth. Let’s stick with Vitamin Munchies.”
Max made a face. “That stuff tastes like cardboard. Please? Just this once?”
His mother ignored him as she wheeled the cart out of the cereal aisle and turned toward the frozen foods. Max lagged behind, staring at the gnomes on the boxes of Sugar Gems. One of them seemed to be staring back at him. Then it winked. “Psst! Kid!” The gnome waved a hand. “Come here.”
Max glanced over his shoulder. Was anyone else seeing this? Max picked up the box and peered at the waving gnome.
“How would you like to have all the Sugar Gems you can eat?” asked the gnome.
“Is this some kind of store promotion?” Max asked.
“Uh, yeah.” The gnome grinned. “Something like that.”
“Then, sure,” said Max. “Who wouldn’t want all the Sugar Gems he could eat?”
“My thoughts exactly,” said the gnome. “And it’s easy as one, two, three. You ready?”
Max nodded.
“One, open this box. Two, close your eyes. And three…”
Max heard a crinkly-snapping sound. He felt himself shrinking, and then he was sliding headfirst into the box. It was like being shoved down a water slide…in the dark…with no warning. “Aaaie!” Max yelled as he slid faster and faster, whipping and whirling down, down, down into the darkness. He landed at last with a neck-jarring thunk.
Max took a deep breath and stood up. He was shaking all over, but as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he looked around. He was in a long dark tunnel shored up with wood. The walls sparkled with red and green gems. “Wow!” Max breathed.
“Hello!” said a small squeaky voice.
Max gasped. A tiny gnome stood in front of him.
And they were the same size! “Welcome to the Sugar Gem mine,” said the gnome, holding out a sugary green nugget. “Eat all you want. There’s plenty.”
Max grabbed gems by the handful. They were delicious! He couldn’t eat them fast enough. “You gnomes are really lucky,” Max said. “You can eat Sugar Gems for every meal!”
The gnome smirked. “You may think otherwise soon.”
Another gnome tapped Max on the leg. “You got a quota, kid,” he said. He handed Max a big cloth bag. “Fill this up. Then report to me for another.”
Max took the bag. “You’re making me work?”
“You have to fill ten bags a day your first week,” said the boss gnome. “And double that the next week.”
“I can’t be here for a week!” Max said. “I’ll miss school. And my mom will kill me. “
The gnome laughed. “Look, kid. You got your wish. All the Sugar Gems you can eat. In return, you work.”
“And what if I don’t?” Max said.
“Then you’ll never go home,” said the gnome in a voice that made Max’s hair stand on end.
Max started filling his bag with Sugar Gems. He had to dig out the gems with his bare hands, and it took hours to fill the first bag.
“Bring that over there,” the boss gnome said, pointing toward a cavernous room. Inside, dozens of gnomes were filling box after box of Sugar Gems as they sped along a conveyor belt. The belt squeaked and whirred as it moved the boxes up and out of the mine.
Uncle John's the Enchanted Toilet Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Page 14
