It took Max twice as long to fill the second bag as the first. When he dragged his second bag to the conveyer belt, he stopped to catch his breath. He watched box after box going up the belt and out of the mine. Where did they all end up? Then it hit him. The store! Max glanced around to see if anyone was watching. The boss gnome was busy bossing the other gnomes, and they were all busy boxing Sugar Gems. Max climbed inside his bag of gems and ducked down.
He waited and waited. Finally, he felt the bag being lifted. Max heard a grunt. “Hey!” yelled a gnome. “I need a hand over here.”
“The kid’s a complainer,” said the boss gnome. “But it feels like he mined his weight in gems.”
The Sugar Gems Max had mined were poured into boxes and he slid in along with them. The box was sealed. (Luckily, the gnomes filled the boxes only halfway. That left enough air for Max to breathe.)
The box gave a jerk and started to move along the conveyer belt, climbing up and out of the mine. When the box thumped down on a shelf, Max was sure he was back in the supermarket. “Mom!” Max shouted. “Buy some Sugar Gems! Please! Sugar Gems!”
Over in the milk aisle, Max’s mother had a sudden urge for Sugar Gems. She wheeled her cart back to the cereal aisle and grabbed the box. “I’ll have to stash these where Max can’t find them,” she said.
Max could hardly wait to see his mom’s face when she opened the box. He just hoped it wouldn’t take too long.
Moral: Sometimes you have to think inside the box.
THE END
ENCHANTED EDUCATION
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If Albus Dumbledore was real, and if he was really into the Internet, he might start a school like this one.
HAVE ROBE, WILL TEACH
Oberon Zell-Ravenheart has long, flowing white hair and a bushy white beard. He wears a robe sparkling with stars and trimmed in purple ribbon. And he carries a golden wand topped by a crystal globe. As Headmaster of the Grey School of Wizardry, he has been training witches and wizards since 2004. At least, that’s what he claims. (He also claims to have raised unicorns and gone swimming with mermaids.) “We’re an online school,” says Zell-Ravenheart, called the real Albus Dumbledore by his fans. “And we teach all aspects of wizardry to students from age eleven up.”
Zell-Ravenheart started as a traditional teacher in the 1970s, a time when many students called their teachers by their first names. He felt something was being lost in that “groovy” tradition: respect. When he opened the Grey School of Wizardry, he looked to the past for an image that would earn his students’ respect. What did he find? Wizard’s robes. “My wizard’s outfit is basically the standard professor’s outfit from the Middle Ages,” he says. “If you go to a graduation at a modern university, you’ll see a bunch of people dressed exactly like that,” says ZellRavenheart.
BITES AND BYTES
Hiring teachers with magical names also seems to be part of the headmaster’s philosophy. There’s Professor Moonwriter, the Dark Arts advisor. She claims family roots going back to vampires that lived in the Czech Republic. Professor Moonwriter teaches nature-based magic, outdoorcraft, herbology, and astronomy.
Professor Kalla specializes in defensive magic, energy work, and divination. She is an Eclectic Witch, and has been practicing witchcraft since 1999.
Professor LeopardDancer teaches classes on dragons and dragonlore. She has a pet dragon named Nobunaga (Well, actually…it’s a python.)
And Professor Jymi X/0 is an “Urban Cybermage.” Professor X/0 believes that science and math provide the keys that open the doors of magic. She has a familiar, but it isn’t a cat. It’s a laptop computer named TORGO.
A CURIOUS CURRICULUM
The Grey School has 16 departments, 35 teachers, and more than 200 classes. All students must begin with a class called Ethics to learn the rules of conduct expected in the wizarding world. After that, a budding witch or wizard has plenty of classes from which to choose.
The Department of Wizardry offers Harry Potter 101, taught in spring 2012 by Professor Rainmaker. Required reading: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling. Students must also have a piece of lapis lazuli (a bright blue stone). What do they learn? How the wisdom in Harry Potter relates to real-life wizardry.
The Department of Wortcunning (herbal wisdom) offers Potions and Brews. Professor Moonwriter asks students to have basic kitchen materials such as coffee filters, saucepans, measuring cups and spoons, a strainer, clean jars with screw lids, a supply of herbs, and…an adult standing by in case of emergency.
CERTIFIABLY MAGICAL
Students of the Grey School are sorted into four houses: Sylphs, Salamanders, Undines, and Gnomes. They learn rituals and spellwork, but they also learn traditional subjects such as Latin, history, geography, archaeology, and chemistry. “We teach an integration of the magical and the scientific,” says the headmaster. Why? Because, he says, “Wizardry is about wisdom.”
Students work their way through seven levels. Once all seven levels have been mastered, the student is awarded a certificate and the title “Journeyman Wizard.”
From time to time, the Grey School of Wizardry sponsors an essay contest for kids ages 11 to 17. The topic in 2007: “Why I want to be a wizard.” The winner receives a one-year scholarship, an autographed copy of the textbook Grimoire for the Apprentice Wizard, and a hand-crafted wand. Ready to sign up? The price of this magical education is only $30 per year.
TELL FORTUNES WITH RUNES
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People have used runes to predict the future for thousands of years. It’s time to see what the runes have to say about your future.
GET READY TO RUNE!
Before you begin, see page 92 for directions on making your own set of runes. Start by thinking hard about a question or problem for which you need an answer. Then choose one of the following strategies:
1.Close your eyes and reach into your bag of runes. Pick just one rune while you focus on your question. (No peeking!)
2.Grab a handful of runes from the bag and scatter them onto a soft surface. Pick up the rune that first catches your eye.
3.Remove all the runes from the bag and place them facedown. Let your hand hover over the runes. When you feel drawn to one, pick it up and flip it over.
AND THE RUNE SAYS...
Now it’s time to interpret the runes. Take the rune you’ve chosen. Consult the rune chart on the next page. Think about how the meaning of the rune or runes might apply to the question you asked. Here’s an example: You ask the runes if now’s a good time to talk to your parents about something important. If you pick the rune Ansuz, you’ll find it easy to talk to your parents. If you choose Isa, you’ll have to work harder to get them to agree with what you want or to see your side of things. Don’t worry. Each time you “read” the runes, you’ll get better at interpreting them.
RUNE CHART
Raido—Something’s about to change in your life. You might be going on a journey or undertaking a quest.
Gebo—You’re about to give or receive a gift. Or maybe you’ll find a new friend or fall head over heels for someone.
Jera—Your efforts are about to pay off. You’ll have peace and happiness.
Fehu—You’ll have plenty of something—luck, happiness, energy…maybe even money.
Uruz—You’ll be strong and have plenty of courage.
Ansuz—You’re smart and have things to teach others. It’s easy for you to talk things over.
Wunjo—Your wishes will come true!
Isa—Something’s in your way. Be patient and work harder to get what you want.
Eiwaz—The problem you’ve been having will be solved, and you can now move forward.
Perdo—Watch out! Things may not be what they seem.
Sowilo—If you picked this rune, you’ll reach your goals.
Odal—You’ll finish that project or strengthen ties with family members.
Tiwaz—You’ll take the lea
d, as long as you’re willing to put others first.
Algiz—You’ll be protected from bad things.
Kenaz—You will be creative and inspired!
Blank—Expect the unexpected!
THE EMPEROR’S NEW UNDERWEAR
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An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale
ONCE UPON A TIME, there was a very vain emperor who spent all the gold in his treasury on clothes. Then he passed sumptuary laws. What, you might ask, are sumptuary laws? Good question. Sumptuary laws say that no one can wear clothes that look more sumptuous (richer) than those worn by the guy in charge—in this case, the Very Vain Emperor.
The emperor spent most days fishing. Not for fish, which might have proved useful, but for compliments. One day, the Very Vain Emperor stood with his entire staff waiting for his carriage. “The cherries on my vest don’t make me look fat, do they?” he asked the cook.
“No. You look yummy!” gushed the cook.
“And my new mink coat?” he asked his manservant. “How do I look in it?”
“Manly!” said the manservant.
Then the emperor noticed a small boy rolling out a red carpet for him. It was an important job, as the Very Vain Emperor needed to walk from the marble steps to the carriage without getting his blue silk platform shoes muddy.
“Don’t you just love the way my new diamond stickpin glitters in the sunlight?” he asked the boy.
The boy said nothing. He just kept rolling out the red carpet.
“Boy?” The emperor stopped and glared.
Knowing what had happened to the last red-carpet-rolling boy, the tailor rushed forward. “You’re like a star that has fallen from the sky, majesty.”
The emperor preened. “Exactly!”
“Fallen from the sky and landed on its head,” the boy muttered as the carriage clattered through the castle gate. “His people got nothin’ to eat but maggoty oats. And he’s off buying diamond stickpins.” The boy rolled up the carpet, stuck it under his arm, and stalked back inside the castle.
The tailor stood nearby, rolling and unrolling his measuring tape. The boy was right. The Very Vain Emperor had spent so much money on clothes, nothing was left for things that would benefit the people. None of the bridges the trolls had pulled down had been rebuilt. The Emperor’s Road had potholes so big a princess in a pumpkin coach had been lost in one of them. And the newest book in the Royal Library? It had been chiseled in stone by a caveman named Gronk. Something had to be done.
The next day, the tailor went to work. “Sire,” he said. “You must have new clothes when you tour the countryside next week.”
“Indeed,” said the Very Vain Emperor. “My people will look at me and see the true glory of our empire.”
The tailor paid special attention to the emperor’s underwear, spinning cloth as light as air and soft as kittens. Then he dyed the cloth red, the emperor’s favorite color. And he sewed the most elegant pair of long johns ever seen in the empire.
As for the rest of the outfit, he searched throughout the land for clothes that showed its true glory. On the morning of the grand tour, he laid the clothes out on the emperor’s bed.
“First, your undergarments, Sire!” He held up the red underwear.
“Ooh!” The emperor wriggled into them. “Light as air and soft as kittens.”
Then the tailor pointed to the rest of the clothes: a farmer’s mended overalls, a soldier’s battle-stained jacket, and the court bard’s cloak—which had gone shiny on the backside from years of sitting on it to think deep thoughts.
The Very Vain Emperor sniffed. “None of those garments are worthy of my sublime majesty.” And he stalked out the door wearing nothing but his underwear.
“Behold your emperor!” He announced as he pranced down the marble staircase. “Am I not sublime?”
Everyone gasped in shock, but then quickly coughed or spluttered or hemmed or hawed as they tried to come up with compliments.
“You’re sublimely…red,” said one.
“Red is definitely your color, sire,” said another. “Makes your cheeks glow!”
The emperor quirked one brow. “You do remember the sumptuary laws? And the penalty for being more richly dressed than your ruler?”
Everyone remembered: The penalty was losing your head. Clothes flew left and right as servants and minstrels, counts and countesses, knights and knaves stripped down to their underwear, none of which were as elegant as the emperor’s new long johns.
And so the Very Vain Emperor strutted out of the castle and set off to tour his empire. In village after village, he waited for his subjects to take off their clothes, but none did. The emperor was vain, but he wasn’t blind. His undies were far more sumptuous than the rags his people wore. Their clothes looked like those he’d left behind on his bed: stained, torn, mended, and so shiny on the backsides he could—and did—admire his new long johns in them.
At last, the emperor saw how his vanity had sapped the wealth of the land. He vowed that from that day forward, he would wear nothing but long johns like those the wise tailor had made for him.
And so, the empire prospered once more. Pretty soon even the poorest peasants had nice clothes. But the emperor refused to repeal the sumpturary laws. (He had his pride.) So it was no longer safe to go outside wearing anything but underwear…if you wanted to keep your head.
THE END
KNOW YOUR MYTHICAL BEASTS
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Can’t tell a chimera from a centaur? Uncle John is here to help!
1.The legendary Greek chimera is part lion, part snake, and part goat. The scariest part: its breath. Why?
a. Its breath is poisonous.
b. It eats pizza with extra garlic.
c. It breathes fire.
2.The magical stollenwurm
a. can keep you warm in the dead of winter.
b. is a serpent-like dragon said to live in the Swiss Alps.
c. was Merlin’s pet worm, stolen by the sorceress, Morgan le Fay.
3.The half-human, half-horse centaurs in C.S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia are gifted at
a. long-distance seed spitting.
b. doing the Hokey Pokey.
c. seeing the future in the stars.
4.The Minotaur lived in a labyrinth because
a. he was too bull-headed to live in a house.
b. he thought labyrinths were a-maze-ing.
c. the King of Crete imprisoned him there.
5. The Irish believe that the banshee’s cry means:
a. Dinner!
b. Death!
c. Bingo!
6.In Greek legends, the hydra has nine
a. lives.
b. boils on its butt.
c. heads.
7.A unicorn’s horn
a. has the power to heal.
b. is worse than its bite.
c. makes a great place to hang a cloak.
8.In China, dragons are thought to be
a. dangerous near airports.
b. good luck.
c. bad dinner guests.
9.The Romans once thought fauns would sneak into
a. your bedroom at night and give you nightmares.
b. movies without paying.
c. your fridge and eat all the leftovers.
10.In Japan, the kappa is a legendary water goblin that
a. loses its strength when it bows politely.
b. likes to eat human livers.
c. both a and b.
Answers on page 286.
SIR JOHN’S GUIDE TO TAMING YOUR DRAGON
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The toughest part of taming a dragon is finding a dragon’s egg. Oh, and the singed eyebrows.
1.Taming must begin before your dragon hatches. Keep the dragon’s egg warm by wedging it into your armpit. Hold the egg there until the hatchling starts ripping through the shell with its egg tooth—the sharp bone on its snout. Be patient! It w
ill take up to 36 months for your dragon egg to hatch.
2.Sing to your egg once an hour. Do not neglect this step! You may annoy your teachers, but remember—a wild dragon is harder to handle than an angry teacher (most of the time).
3.When your egg starts to hatch, kick everyone else out of the room. The hatchling will bond with the first person it sees. If your dragon doesn’t nudge you with its snout and start to purr, you may want to run. Those tiny teeth and claws are needle-sharp.
4.Be sure to have a mound of fresh raw meat on hand. (Hamburger will do.) Your dragon will be starving when it hatches. It must have fresh meat right away, and if you forget the meat, your fingers will do just fine. (If you have fingers after this step, wash them with soapy water before putting them in your mouth. Raw meat is good for dragons, but not for dragon tamers.)
5.Dragon language consists of hisses, snorts, and friendly nips. Unfortunately, the nips can leave nasty scars on humans. So read bedtime stories to your hatchling. The more stories you read, the quicker it will learn to speak human language.
6.Once your hatchling understands you, you can teach it to breathe fire, hunt for food, and—if you’re very patient—poop outside your “cave.” Dragonlings learn best by imitation, so demonstrate what you want your dragon to do, and it will happily copy you.
Uncle John's the Enchanted Toilet Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Page 15
