Blaze of Glory

by M. Garzon

  When headlights came up the driveway I turned to Piba and hugged her.

  “Hang in there, girl,” I said as I brought her into the barn.

  “Wow, you look like I feel,” the vet commented as she began her exam. “How long have you been walking her?”

  “I’m not sure, but it’s been a while — she kept trying to go down,” I explained. As it turned out, it was one a.m., so I’d been walking Piba for close to three hours. And I wasn’t done yet. After examining Piba, Kathy suspected an impaction, so she administered mineral oil and then it was back to slowly circling while we waited for it to take effect. At least Piba and I weren’t alone, as Kathy sat on the wall jump and kept us company. It took about an hour before Piba suddenly stopped, lifted her tail, and produced a huge poop. The obvious relief on her face made me laugh; I patted and hugged her before turning to Kathy.

  “Is that it? Can she go back in her stall now?”

  “Should be, but you’ll have to keep an eye on her. Are you on your own? Where is everyone?” she asked.

  “They went out. It’s okay though, I’ll stay with her.”

  Piba looked as happy as I felt to be heading inside. She had a drink of water and lay down with a sigh, but didn’t try to roll. I left Jaden one last message, telling him that Piba had been treated and would be okay.

  Once Kathy left I got a horse blanket and laid it down at the edge of Piba’s stall. I sat and watched her, taking comfort from her obvious relaxation. My eyelids grew heavy, and though I fought them for a while, eventually I lay down and must have drifted off to sleep.

  A soft rustling woke me. I opened my eyes a crack to see Jaden kneeling by Piba’s head, his face distraught. She was still lying down but looked comfortable. When she raised her head Jaden put his arms around her, and she rested her face against him, taking solace from his presence. I felt my eyes well up and closed them quickly; I didn’t want tears giving away the fact that I was awake, and I didn’t want to intrude on their moment, either.

  After a few minutes I heard movement, and peeked for a second — Jaden was headed toward me. I kept my eyes shut as he settled on the blanket near my head. He stroked my hair very lightly while I prayed that I wouldn’t tremble. When he got up and left I felt a bewildering mix of relief and despair, but he was soon back. A weight settled over me, and he resumed his position by my head. I hadn’t realized that I was cold, but as the warmth from the blanket seeped through me I drifted comfortably back into sleep.

  I woke up in my own bed. I blinked groggily; the light streaming around the curtains was too bright. I should have been at school by now. I got up and staggered to the bathroom for a shower even though I was late. I’d slept in a stall the night before, after all. I was headed downstairs, still yawning, when the sound of arguing made me pause.

  “They’re seventeen, they’re old enough to be left alone for a few hours,” Dec was saying.

  “I don’t care how old she is, Téa shouldn’t have had to deal with that on her own,” Jaden countered heatedly.

  “She wasn’t on her own, Seth was here. And horses get sick, son, you know that as well as I do. Why are you so worked up about this?”

  “Because it isn’t fair, Dec. On the one hand, you treat her like a kid. Yet at the same time you’ve given her adult responsibilities, too much for her to carry, and-”

  “All right, I think that’s enough.” Jaden’s argument was cut off abruptly by Dec’s warning.

  I walked into the kitchen, trying to look nonchalant.

  “Morning,” I said, stifling another yawn and heading for the coffeepot. I stole furtive glances at Jaden while I poured my coffee. I was bemused by what I’d heard.

  “How’s Piba?” I asked him.

  “She’s much better this morning, even ate a bit of hay. How do you feel?” he asked solicitously. “Don’t you want to sleep a bit more?”

  “I can’t,” I replied at the same time that Dec said, “She’s got school.”

  Jaden threw him a disgusted look. I was startled, and a bit nervous, when he told Dec, “I think she should stay home today.”

  “No, it’s okay,” I said quickly. I could just imagine trying to relax while Dec paced disapprovingly downstairs.

  “Her grades have dropped considerably,” Dec said by way of explanation. He looked at me uncertainly. “Unless... are you really too tired?”

  “No, I’m fine,” I assured him. I saw Jaden’s disbelieving look out of the corner of my eye.

  “I’ll drive you, then,” he said quietly.

  I tried not to sigh at the swirl of contradictory emotions within me. Joy that I would be near him, and fear of the pain his nearness would surely cause. Happiness at the prospect of his company, sadness and doubt because I knew it wouldn’t mean anything to him. Dammit, I was too tired for this.

  And so irritation was my dominant emotion as we set off for school.

  “You shouldn’t antagonize Dec like that,” I warned Jaden. “He’s been in a bad enough mood lately.”

  “Why, are you worried about backlash?” he asked, frowning.

  “No, I’m simply pointing out that it’s not smart to poke an irate rhinoceros with a stick,” I said shortly.

  “All right,” he sighed. He looked over at me. “Where was Seth last night?”

  I’d obviously given away too much during my stressed messages the night before.

  “Where were you?” I countered. I immediately wished I hadn’t; I was pretty sure I didn’t want to know where he’d been.

  “I went out. I had my phone turned off.”

  I remembered my foggy impressions from the wee hours. Jaden had been well-dressed, and he’d been wearing cologne, I’d caught a hint of it when he sat by me. I tried really hard not to let my mind imagine what he’d been doing that would make him turn his phone off. I had enough to deal with.

  “Seth went out,” I said brusquely.

  “Well, I’ll be having a word with him about that,” he said, the anger in his voice unmistakable.

  I turned on him in aggravation. “No, you will not. He asked me if I minded, and I didn’t.”

  “What did he have to do that was so important he had to leave you alone all night?”

  I glared at him. “The same thing you were doing, probably. And that Dec was doing too, for that matter.” I was the only one without a sex life, apparently.

  Jaden flinched. He turned his face back to the road, but I could feel his tension. A minute later he pulled over. He took his seat belt off and faced me squarely. I couldn’t look him in the eye, though.

  “I’m sorry,” he began. “I feel guilty about not being there last night, but I shouldn’t be blaming anyone else.” He leaned toward me; the urge to touch him was so strong that I actually cringed back a little.

  “Téa.” He waited until I lifted my eyes to his. My breath caught. I couldn’t look away.

  “Thank you,” he murmured. His hand found mine and a wave of heat washed over my body.

  “You’re welcome,” I managed after a minute. I looked away as I pulled my hand back — I was imagining things in his eyes that would only cause me more suffering later.

  We drove in silence until we were almost there.

  “What does ‘Piba’ mean?” I asked as we were pulling up.

  “Uh... it means ‘chick’.”

  “Chick as in a baby bird?”

  “No, it’s Argentinean slang. ‘Chick’ as in a girl.” He looked faintly uncomfortable. “Because she’s so girly, you know.”

  I nodded. It suited her. “I only ask because she’s so brave. I thought her name might reflect that.”

  “The two of you have that in common,” he replied. “You should ride her when she’s better. I think you’d get along.”

  I might have been exhausted, but I started school that day with a smile on my face.

  * * *

  After Piba’s colic, Jaden stopped yelling at me. He did continue to coach me, and between that and the help I got
from Mateo and Dan, I improved immeasurably. There were some small, low-goal matches coming up, and my teammates were all urging me to play. So when Gran came over to cook dinner on Monday, which always made everyone happy, it seemed like the perfect time to ask Jaden to let me play in a real match. Unfortunately, his reaction left much to be desired.

  “No,” he said flatly.

  “Why not?” I protested.

  Jaden looked frustrated. “This isn’t the jumper ring, Téa. Polo is a rough sport. These guys are all bigger, stronger, and faster than you, and they’ll use it. You’re tiny, you could get hurt.”

  “So you won’t let me play at all?”

  “Not in official matches, no.” He was unapologetic.

  Gran clucked her tongue. “That’s enough, now. Eat your dinner, both of you.”

  Seth snickered; I looked over angrily, but couldn’t stay mad in the face of his infectious smile. I took a deep breath and turned back to Jaden.

  “Did you know that women make up twenty-five percent of all polo players?” I asked him. “They’re the fastest-growing segment of the sport. There are even women pros — not many, I’ll grant you, but they’re out there.”

  Jaden watched me, looking torn between exasperation and amusement.

  “Not only that, but the highest-ranked woman in the U.S. had a handicap of five goals at the height of her career. That’s higher than Mateo’s.”

  “What’s her name?” Jaden asked suddenly.

  “Sunny Hale. Why, don’t you know that?” I asked, confused.

  He grinned. “Oh, I know it. I’ve met her, in fact. I just wondered how far you’d gone in your research.”

  “Come on, Jaden.” I leaned toward him. “There are plenty of girls playing polo, even at our club. Why not me?”

  “The girls at our club have all been playing for at least a year, not a month, like you. And none of them is my cousin, so-”

  “So,” I interrupted, “you don’t get to make sexist and biased decisions about their playing.”

  “Téa,” Dec interjected tiredly.

  Jaden gave me an icy stare. “You’re not ready,” he said flatly.

  “And even if you were, you wouldn’t be playing,” Dec said with finality.

  I turned to him in surprise. “What? Why?”

  “Because Jaden’s right. I’ve spent the past ten years watching him limp home sporting one injury after another. I won’t go through that with you. I have enough to worry about with you riding jumpers.”

  And now I wasn’t even doing that, I thought bitterly. I gazed at my plate. This was an unforeseen hurdle, but one way or another, I was determined to play in a match.

  Twelve

  I was in the barn the following afternoon chatting with Lisa, one of our boarders, when Karen came in. Lisa was a surpassingly sweet, motherly woman. She often brought Seth and me treats from home, and she had been a great help and comfort to us during our mother’s fight with cancer, as well as after her death. I offered Karen one of the brownies Lisa had just given me — they were extra chocolaty, just the way I liked them.

  “Did you hear about the show?” Karen asked, helping herself to a brownie. She had been to an A-rated show over the weekend; I hadn’t gone because Cameo wasn’t quite ready to compete at that level.

  “No, I haven’t seen anyone yet,” I replied curiously. “What happened?”

  “Well, Stephanie and Gracie won everything in sight, but Marty dumped Jennifer in the ring,” Karen said, shaking her head. “She’s getting nervous about riding him. Can you get on him sometime?”

  “Sure, I can do it today, if you want.” I was happy at the prospect of riding a jumper again. It had been far too long.

  As soon as Karen was out of earshot, Jaden strode over, frowning. He’d been around the corner with Piba, and as always, I’d been aware of his presence.

  “Why are you getting on that horse?” he demanded. “He doesn’t belong to the barn and you’re not even showing him. So why are you assuming the risk of riding him?”

  “It may surprise you,” I spat at him, affronted, “but when I’m not on the polo field I’m considered a pretty competent rider. Karen’s my coach, we do each other favors. And it’s not risky for me.”

  His eyebrows crept up at my tone. “He threw Jennifer off, didn’t he? She’s a good rider too.”

  “He won’t dump me,” I said with certainty. I prayed that he wouldn’t, or there would be no living with Jaden.

  “Well, I don’t think you should do it,” he said, crossing his arms.

  “Then I’m glad it’s not up to you,” I said as I turned away. I knew he wouldn’t stop me, much as he might want to; we were very careful not to touch each other anymore. I marched off angrily, insulted by his lack of confidence.

  “Your cousin really cares about you,” Lisa commented as I brought Marty out. She was smiling.

  “He’s got some way of showing it,” I muttered sullenly, “he’s always mad at me.”

  “Well, now, that’s just how men are,” she said soothingly. “It’s hard for them to admit when they’re worried. My husband’s the same way with me and our girls.”

  I thought about what Lisa had said while I tacked up. I had gotten used to Jaden and I being angry with each other, it was easier to be around him that way. It kept him at a safe distance. The fact that he might be worried about me was hard for me to contemplate — it set my chest to aching and my throat to tightening. I crumpled the thought up in my mind and tried to focus on Marty.

  He was an interesting little horse. He belonged to a wealthy actor from Toronto who almost never rode him, but who liked to watch his horse compete at shows, so Karen had various students ride him. None of them lasted long, however, because Marty had an unfortunate habit: he liked to buck. And like most good jumpers, he was an excellent bucker, he got most of his riders off, though I didn’t think it was intentional.

  We went to the main ring and started warming up. Marty was a Thoroughbred but he wasn’t very tall, only 15:3 hands high. He had a surprisingly big jump in him though, and a long stride — he reminded me of Northern Dancer, the famous racehorse, who stunned the world with his incredible speed despite his small size. They even looked a bit alike, although Marty was a darker bay and had only one white sock.

  When Karen came into the ring I was surprised to see Jaden with her. I thought he was due back at the club. Though I couldn’t help being aware of his presence, it didn’t throw me into turmoil the way it did on the polo field. This was my arena, after all. I was able to tune him out, for the most part.

  “I’m trying to figure out what the trigger is,” Karen was saying as she set up a combination. “He seems to buck mostly as he’s landing after a line of fences, but it’s not consistent, so we’ll try a few things and see what sets him off.”

  I trotted the combination a few times and Marty jumped it cheerfully. He didn’t seem at all tired from the show two days before. I was having fun; I hadn’t jumped much over the past few months, other than with the school horses and Cameo, and they couldn’t handle very big fences. Karen soon asked me to jump a course. It was almost four feet high, big enough that I had to pay attention.

  I picked up a canter and headed for our first line. Marty jumped it beautifully. His canter was so smooth and rhythmic that he was easy to set up properly for the takeoff, but there was still a powerful thrust to his jump. Then, after the second fence, he exploded into action — he hadn’t even taken a stride after landing, he just erupted, rounding his back and then pistoning his hind legs up so high behind him that we were almost vertical. I braced myself, leaning backward, and jerked on one rein to try and get his head up. After about five bucks he finally lifted it and I slowed to a walk, panting.

  Karen laughed. “You rode that beautifully,” she said, shaking her head in apparent amazement. I grinned at her, happy with her unequivocal praise. It wasn’t easy to earn. My gaze was drawn to Jaden, who was standing tense, fists clenched at his sides. Hi
s face was pale.

  “Relax, cuz. I’m still on, see?” I winked at him. He took a breath and ran his hand through his hair; the familiar gesture sent a ripple of pain through my chest.

  “Okay, let’s try again. Start with the triple bar this time, then do the rest of the course,” Karen instructed.

  I did as she said. I was flying, thrilled to be in my element again, doing what I loved, what I was good at. Marty didn’t try bucking again until after the last line, and I managed to get his head up after three bucks this time.

  “I don’t know what’s setting him off, Karen, but I can tell you this — he isn’t trying to buck me off.” I could sense the occasional filament of Marty’s feelings intersecting mine, and there was no malice there. He was happy.

  I was happy too that night, but Jaden was subdued. For once, though, it didn’t affect me — usually, I was such a sensitive barometer of his emotional state that I had a hard time being happy if he was down. But I felt alive, as though I’d just woken up and remembered who I really was after a long spell of amnesia. I was already making plans to find a jumper to ride; there had to be a way, somehow, for me to start competing again. The fire within me, the one I thought had been extinguished by Blaze’s death, had been rekindled.

  My good mood carried over to the next day. Jaden was teaching a clinic in Alliston, so I wouldn’t be seeing him, and things had been so tense between us that his absence was actually something of a relief. Since it was Wednesday, I headed over to the club after dinner to play in the club chukkers.

  It was the last chukker of the evening and I was on Schweppes again. I’d ridden Maya, the club pony, for the last chukker. Even though Maya was more experienced than Schweppes, I was happier riding my little golden horse. We were forging a real bond while learning the game together, and I loved feeling his joy and enthusiasm for his new career. It buoyed my spirits, too, though I hardly needed it today.