by M. Garzon
I went and sat next to Jaden.
“You made your phone ring?” I checked.
“‘There’s an app for that’,” he quoted with a grin.
“I feel like a secret agent.” I smiled at him. My hand was on the couch; he brushed his fingers lightly over mine.
“Let me deal with Dec, okay? The two of you just feed off each other’s obstinacy.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, that should be a challenge. You guys are on the same side.”
“No, we’re not,” he disagreed.
I looked at him in surprise. “But... you object to me riding Hades even more than he does.”
“I’ll admit that I did, at first. But not anymore. I’ve come to realize that it’s not fair for my fears to hold you back, querida. I always want to lift you up, not keep you down.”
“Though I don’t actually mind when you hold me down,” I reminded him suggestively.
He chuckled. “Well, for now, let’s see what I can do about Hades.”
Dec barbecued again that night, and we sat outside to eat. I had just absently pushed the rest of my half-eaten burger toward Jaden, ignoring Seth’s affronted look, when the subject of Hades came up. I was a bit taken aback that the conversation started while I was around to witness it.
“When was the last time you watched Téa compete?” Jaden was asking Dec.
“I don’t remember, but then, I see her ride almost every day.”
“That’s not the same thing. You have to watch her one of these days, Dec. She’s incredible. She’s one of those people who shines under pressure, who can pull everything together when it really counts.”
I was gazing at Jaden in amazement, but he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were on Dec, who was frowning.
“It’s not right to limit that kind of talent, Dec. Téa has world-class potential. She deserves a jumper of her own to ride.”
Dec sighed. “That’s just not in the cards right now. We don’t have that kind of money lying around.” He looked at me. “You understand, don’t you?”
I gave a small nod.
“Well, her own horse would be ideal, but it’s not the only option,” Jaden said slowly. “Not if everyone’s prepared to be a little bit flexible.”
“I know where you’re going with this,” Dec warned.
“And you wouldn’t consider it under any condition? For your daughter’s future?”
Dec hesitated; he looked at me, and I knew we had won. He and Jaden hammered out the details while Seth and I did the dishes, and I couldn’t stop smiling.
* * *
I had a quick shower, combed through my damp hair and donned one of my few dresses. A summery blue and white, it flowed simply down from spaghetti straps at the shoulders to end barely at mid-thigh.
I headed for the barn to say goodbye to Jaden. I didn’t really feel like going out anymore, now that he had unexpectedly arrived, but I’d promised the girls, and it had been a while since we had done anything non-horse-related. I resolved to be cheerful and try to have fun.
Lisa emerged from the tackroom as I came in, her chubby form festooned by her saddle and bridle.
“My goodness dear, you look nice,” she exclaimed, looking me up and down. “I think you’ve changed even more than Alyssa this past year.” Alyssa was Lisa’s daughter and was my age.
“Um, thanks,” I mumbled.
Jaden wasn’t in the school horse aisle. We strolled around the corner.
“Dec must have his hands full trying to keep the boys away from you,” Lisa teased, a twinkle in her kind eyes. I shrugged awkwardly as she started saddling her pinto gelding.
I spotted Jaden in Piba’s stall; I was feeling distinctly uncomfortable as I caught his eye and mouthed, ‘hayloft?’ He gave a tiny nod. His expression was carefully smooth, the way he looked when he didn’t want me to know what he was thinking.
I hadn’t been upstairs long before his arms closed around me. I leaned back into him with a sigh, feeling that peculiar sense of relief that his touch always brought. I twisted my head up to ask how he was, but my question was lost as his mouth came down on mine. He kissed me slowly, his hands traveling up and down my dress. The heat from his touch seared through the thin fabric.
“Wow,” I said shakily a few minutes later. “Now I really don’t want to go.”
He pulled me around to face him, wearing a slightly resigned smile.
“Go have fun with the girls. I’ll be here when you get back.”
“Really?” I brightened instantly. “I thought you weren’t staying tonight.”
“Do you honestly think I’d leave after seeing you dressed like that? I’m staying right here to make sure you come home safe. And alone.” He smiled to let me know he was joking, but there was worry in his eyes.
I frowned. “Do you want me to go change?”
“Of course not. I adore that dress.” As if to prove it, he ran his hands over it again, down my sides and over my hips, stopping at the hem.
“Good,” I murmured, “because I only wore it for you.”
I covered his hands with mine and slid them down, onto my bare thighs. He stifled a groan as his body tensed against mine, and I was grateful once again for the unexpected power of my skin. He quickly jerked his hands away and wrapped his arms around me.
“If you’re trying to drive me out of my mind, you’re succeeding,” he growled softly in my ear.
“It’s about time you learned how it feels,” I teased, kissing his neck.
He pulled back to give me a mock insulted look. His eyes seemed to get pulled down to my body of their own accord; when they came up they were troubled again.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered, touching his face.
He smoothed his expression quickly.
“Not a thing. You should go or you’ll be late.” He stroked his hands down my arms, making me shiver, and hesitated. “You look wonderful.”
I took his face in my hands, feeling the thrill that never seemed to wane at the knowledge that this beautiful person was mine. This beautiful, sometimes jealous person.
“Jaden, I am yours,” I reminded him fiercely. “My soul is yours already, and my body will be yours anytime you decide to avail yourself of it... maybe you should stop resisting.”
“Now isn’t the right time, querida.”
“Why? I love you. I want to be with you in every way possible.”
“In every way?” he said suggestively. “Well, that should keep us busy for a while.”
I could see both humor and hunger in his eyes, along with something else I couldn’t identify. He kissed my bare shoulder, his hands gliding again across the smooth fabric of my dress.
“If this is part of your continued attempts to heighten the anticipation, I think we’ve overshot the mark a bit,” I told him breathlessly as the kisses trailed up my neck to my ear. It was so unfair — he had only to touch me for me to lose any hope of restraint. It was time to fight fire with fire. I tugged up my dress, found one of his wandering hands with mine, and placed it on the bare skin of my waist. The response was instantaneous; with a groan, his arms clamped around me, his other hand also snaking under the fabric to find the skin of my back. His lips crushed mine. As I was yanked off my feet I twined my legs around him. He loosened one arm from around my body to caress my thigh, moaning low in his throat. Then, abruptly, he stopped. He disentangled my arms and legs gently and set me on my feet, not meeting my eyes.
“You’re still feeling guilty,” I sighed.
He looked remorseful, but I didn’t know whether he felt that way for stopping so abruptly or for allowing himself to get carried away in the first place. To my chagrin, I suspected the latter.
“Let’s not talk about it now,” he said quietly, smoothing my still-damp hair away from my face. “Go out, have fun. I’ll see you later.”
I nodded. I wanted to get to the bottom of this, but I was definitely late now. I stood on tiptoe to kiss him quickly before hurrying down the ladder.
* * *
I saw a good movie with Teri and Julia, and afterward, we went to a coffee shop. Teri and Rob were going through a rough patch; Julia and I listened sympathetically as Teri described their problems.
“What about you, Jules?” I asked her. “Seems like you’ve been having a quiet summer on the dating front.” Julia usually went through several boys in the course of a season.
“It just doesn’t seem to hold the same excitement it once did.” She shrugged.
“You sound like Seth,” I told her. “Can you believe he’s only dated one girl all summer? And she only lasted a few weeks. He normally has them lined up.”
“No surprise there. Have you looked at Seth lately, T?” Julia asked.
I was surprised at her comment, but to be honest, I hadn’t noticed much of anything this summer, other than Jaden. I told the girls as much.
“Are you guys doing it yet?” Teri inquired.
“No,” I admitted. It was getting frankly embarrassing. “He still wants to wait.”
“Maybe he’s waiting until you’re eighteen,” Julia suggested. “Then you won’t be jailbait.”
I considered the idea, but it seemed pretty far-fetched to me. I couldn’t imagine that a few months would make that much of a difference to him. We moved on to new topics, like the fact that school was starting in a couple of weeks; it was a source of growing anxiety for Jaden and me. We had talked at length about whether we should disclose our relationship — after all, once school started, we’d need an explanation for why we were spending so much time together. But we worried that if our family didn’t take it well, it would be that much easier for them to keep us apart once Jaden wasn’t living with us anymore.
I got home in time to do the bedtime check of the barn with Jaden; Dec had gone into town so we weren’t rushed. We climbed to the hayloft and got comfortable.
“Now will you tell me what’s going on?” I asked, taking his hand.
“Yes.” He took a deep breath before speaking. “You know, in many ways, I’m closer to Dec than to my own dad,” he said quietly.
I nodded. “I know that Dec thinks of you almost as another son.” The thought made me uncomfortable, but it was the truth.
“Do you remember when I went to live with my father?”
“Not very well. I only remember it as the time we stopped seeing you.” Seth and I had been eleven. I recalled that Dec was upset about Jaden moving, and him talking to my mom about it.
“Well, you know part of the story. I was sixteen and going through a rough time. I wasn’t getting along with my mother... what I neglected to tell you before is that I wanted to come here and live with Dec.”
He was watching my expression. His own was sad; it hurt me like a physical pain. We were sitting side by side on a bale, resting our backs against the green pile behind us. I straddled his legs so I could hug him.
“Don’t be sad,” I murmured against his neck. “Whatever’s going on, whatever you need to be happy, we’ll do it.”
He held me tightly, his face in my hair.
“Do you realize, if I’d come to live here, I would have been like an older brother to you?” His voice was so quiet I could barely detect the strain in it.
I tried to pull back; it was a minute before he released me. I took his face in my hands.
“Are you torturing yourself over what might have been?” It came out sounding more severe than I’d intended, and I took a breath and tried again. “What I mean is, yes, things would have been different then — but you didn’t come live with us, and we barely knew each other until this past year. Why is this suddenly relevant?”
His sadness was beginning to scare me.
“It’s relevant because it illustrates that we’re linked by more than just our love for each other. There’s family history involved.”
I waited. He sighed and went on.
“Dec welcomed me with open arms. I suspect he thought I needed the guidance of a father figure, or at the very least a firmer hand to control my growing wild streak. In the end, though, my mother wouldn’t allow me to leave. She wanted me at home, with her. Dec wouldn’t allow me to come without her permission... they argued about it and it caused a rift between them for a time.”
I made myself comfortable against his shoulder again. It was hard to stay nervous while I was safely tucked against Jaden; his familiar smell in my nostrils and his hand idly drawing circles on my back were too soothing. But I did feel a growing sense of unease.
“I ended up moving in with my father because he had no compunction about me leaving without my mom’s permission. My mother fought with him about that. Then, as I got into increasing amounts of trouble, Dec began arguing with my dad as well. For years, they barely spoke — until last Christmas, in fact — because of me. Even Aunt Penny got involved and argued with her brothers.”
I stroked his face, not knowing what to say to make him feel better.
“So as you can see, I’ve already been the source of considerable discord in our family-”
“And I thought I was the black sheep. I have a long way to go before I touch your record.” I couldn’t help the impish smile that followed that thought.
“Don’t get any ideas,” he growled, but his tone was lightened by the amused look on his face.
As always, his smile drew me in. I pressed my lips against his, and he responded, but something wasn’t right. He was too hesitant, too careful. I drew back, my unease exploding into fear.
“What’s wrong?” I questioned him anxiously.
His eyes were guarded. “Nothing, I just-”
“Don’t say nothing — why can’t you kiss me?”
My heart was racing now, my mouth dry with dread. I’d known he was uneasy, but now I suspected a much more serious problem. I just stared at him, wide-eyed, and told myself to be patient and let him finish speaking. Even though I was quite sure I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say.
He averted his eyes and swallowed before continuing.
“I went to my mom’s last night. I wanted to get a sense of how she would react to... to us. We talked for a long time. I tried to be careful about what I said, but she’s very perceptive. I think she started to suspect what I was asking.”
He looked at me then, and his eyes were pleading. I was still staring, my face frozen.
“Téa, my mother’s Catholic. And she believes that, in the eyes of God, you are my cousin. Period.”
Now I was not only scared but perplexed too. Jaden had never given any indication that he was religious.
“I’m... confused. What does that mean?”
“It means that I don’t think my mother will accept us being a couple. That if we persist in being together, I’ll create more discord in this family, when I’ve already done enough damage. And that you’ll be the focus of much of that tension, when what you need most right now is a calm, stable family life.”
If. He’d said ‘if we persist’... he wanted to end it. I heard short, panting breaths coming from my mouth. I was hyperventilating.
“I have to go,” I mumbled.
I scrambled up, my mind a panicked blank, feeling nothing but an overpowering need to escape. He caught me before I’d taken two steps, his arms winding around me from behind.
“Wait, Téa.” I heard tears in his voice.
“For what? Divine permission?” I choked out. I struggled to break away from him, but his arms constricted like steel bands, crushing me, and he buried his face in my hair.
“Let go of me, Jaden.” My voice was suddenly oddly calm. “I can’t talk about this now. I’m past my limit. Just let me go.”
He released me. For the first time ever, I was in a hurry to get away from him. I threw myself down the ladder, scraping my shins, and ran. It was dark outside, but I knew the trails well. I ran until I couldn’t run any further, stumbling often in the darkness, and when I couldn’t run anymore I walked. Walking was a Herculean task; I felt as though a gapi
ng hole had opened up under my feet, as if the Earth itself had become unstable.
I moved numbly, with no destination in mind. My feet, of their own volition, followed the familiar trails that I’d been riding twice a week. Even with the nearly full moon, the woods were creepy at night and as I became aware of my surroundings I increased my pace, trying to get out of the forest as quickly as possible. My feet hurt. Fortunately I was wearing almost flat shoes, but they were not designed for running. I was sure I had blisters, and now that I wasn’t running anymore I shivered violently in my thin dress.
The trail opened onto our practice field, and beyond it, I could see lights on in the barn and Mateo’s apartment. I’d never been inside, but I knew where it was, and I stumbled tiredly to the door. He answered after the first knock.
“Téa.” His eyebrows shot up in surprise. He didn’t wait for me to speak, but put his arm around me and led me inside, his eyes on my tear-streaked face. He led me to a small kitchen and sat me down.
“Are you okay?” He looked concerned.
I nodded, another violent shiver shaking my frame. He left and came back with a sweater, which I put on gratefully.
“Would you like some tea?”
“Please.” It was barely audible.
After he’d made tea he sat in the chair next to mine.
“Would you like to talk about it?” he asked kindly.
I shook my head. “I just had a fight... with my family. I didn’t mean to run so far.” My voice sounded strange, as though it belonged to someone else. “Sorry for barging in on you like this.”
He smiled warmly and patted my hand. “You are always welcome, chiquita.”
I was finally getting warm, thanks to the tea and the sweater. I looked at Mateo. He was really very nice, I thought. I wondered why Jaden disliked him so much.
“How long have you lived here?” I asked. Anything to keep my mind off the horrible thoughts I couldn’t yet face. We went through another two cups of tea, and it was only when he yawned that I realized it must be late.
“Can I use your phone, Mateo?”
He handed me a cell phone and walked into the other room while I dialed, giving me some privacy. The time on the phone said almost midnight. Somehow over two hours had passed since I’d gone out to the barn.
