by M. Garzon
Dec answered on the first ring.
“Téa!” The relief was strong in his voice. “Are you okay? Where are you?”
“I’m fine. I’m at Mateo’s.” I swallowed against the lump in my throat. His obvious concern — with no trace of anger — was touching. “I’m really sorry, Dec.”
“We’ll talk about it later, kiddo.” He still didn’t sound angry.
I heard voices in the background.
“Jaden’s coming to pick you up,” he relayed.
“Wait — can you come instead?” I whispered. I wasn’t ready to face Jaden yet. The very thought had my throat constricting and my heart hammering painfully against my ribs.
There was a pause. “Sure. I’ll be right there.” He sounded surprised.
Mateo wandered back in a minute later. We didn’t talk much while we waited, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. The barn dogs announced Dec’s truck within minutes — he must have been speeding. Mateo walked me to the door and opened it so Dec could find us by the light spilling onto the ground. They shook hands.
“Thank you,” Dec told him sincerely.
Dec was silent until we reached the road. It was quiet at this time of night, with only occasional headlights slicing through the gloom.
“What happened, Téa? I went to the barn to look for you and found Jaden looking like someone had shot his dog. He nearly went berserk when I asked where you were, he thought you were in the house.”
I really didn’t want to talk about this, but I had no choice. I had to come up with some sort of explanation for my behavior.
“We had a fight,” I said quietly.
“That much is already obvious.” It wasn’t said unkindly. He hesitated. “Is there something going on that I should know about, Téa?”
I was surprised by how calm he sounded, considering that my heart nearly exploded with fear at his question. I tried to think quickly, but my mind was numb and overwhelmed. This was my chance to finally tell him the truth — and I found, to my intense surprise, that I wanted him to know. I was tired of lying... but then a deep, aching pain reminded me that the need for secrecy was over. It seemed pointless to go through the drama of revealing our relationship on the eve of its burial. And it was safer to keep the secret, to be sure that Dec wouldn’t disclose anything to Aunt Paloma; I didn’t want Jaden to suffer unnecessarily. So I sighed and tried to weave a lie from bits of truth.
“Jaden had a disagreement with his mom,” I began, faltering, “and, well, I guess I wasn’t very supportive. He was already upset, and I argued with him about how he should deal with her.”
Dec nodded. Then he surprised me.
“Did it make you miss your mom?” he asked gently.
I thought of all the times I’d wished my mother had been there to help me through my relationship minefield. I was sure that if she’d still been alive, Jaden and I could be together openly. I knew she would have had no objections herself; she had been very open-minded. And she’d had a way of smoothing things over with Dec, so I was fairly confident he would have accepted the news coming from her. But tonight, during this time of crisis, I hadn’t once thought of her. I wondered if that should bother me. I shrugged. He seemed to take it as assent; he reached over and put his hand on my shoulder. We were already pulling into the long driveway.
“I miss her too, honey.” His voice was gruff. He added something in a voice too low for me to make out clearly, but it sounded like, “especially at times like this.”
I trudged up to the house slowly, not wanting to confront what was inside. I was afraid the sight of Jaden’s face would send me spiraling out of control and walked through the door with my pulse pounding and my mouth dry.
He was across the room. I seemed to have caught him in mid-pace; I had a glimpse of wild eyes burning into mine before I looked quickly away. Seth called out from in front of the computer.
“Neeps, Sparky.” He grinned, shaking his head.
I gave him a weak smile.
“I’m going to have a shower,” I muttered to no one in particular. I bolted upstairs. I turned the shower on as hot as I could stand it, and stood without moving for a long time. I refused to allow myself to think, concentrating on every menial detail of showering, brushing my teeth, and dressing for bed. My feet were bleeding where my shoes had cut into them, and I carefully applied bandages, always ignoring the rock-hard clenching of my stomach and the racing pace of my heart, which refused to slow.
I thought I would toss and turn for hours, but my mind, desperate for escape, fled into unconsciousness almost immediately. I was startled awake by a dark shape looming above me; my gasp was muffled by a familiar hand over my mouth.
“Shh, it’s me.”
And suddenly I was in his arms, and we were kissing each other through our tears. We kissed tenderly, carefully, afraid to hurt each other. I tasted the salt from our silent mourning. Eventually, we lay down. He stayed next to me, on top of the covers, holding me in a tight embrace. He tried to speak only once, but I placed my fingers on his lips and he subsided immediately. I didn’t want to hear what was coming, not yet. For just a few more hours, I wanted to pretend he was still mine. I didn’t even worry that what we were doing was astonishingly risky, that we could so easily get caught if Dec came to check on me. I just settled my head against his shoulder with a sigh and fell asleep.
* * *
I awoke to bright sunshine the next morning. I was alone in bed, and it was late. I had a lesson to teach at nine, which meant I had ten minutes to get to the barn. I dressed and brushed my teeth quickly, but walked right past the kitchen on my way out — there was no question of eating with my stomach still so painfully cramped. When I got to the barn, Seth took one look at me and offered to teach my class. I accepted gratefully and went to find Jaden, trembling with apprehension.
I ran through scenarios as I walked. I had promised Jaden that I would do whatever it took to make him happy, and I meant it. If what he really, truly needed was for us to be apart — well, I would have no choice. I would make it as easy as I could for him. The very thought made my head spin, as though I was teetering on the brink of a vast abyss, but I choked back my sobs firmly. Hysterics would solve nothing; I needed to be able to think clearly. But mostly, I needed to see Jaden, to look into his eyes and find the truth hidden there.
I found him working on the run-in shed, and stood for a while, admiring the muscles rippling in his bronze back. Last night he’d been so vulnerable, so open. I was worried about what I might find this morning, dreading the return of the closed, guarded expression of yesterday’s fateful conversation. Long before I was done watching him, he spotted me. He joined me immediately, the warm, somewhat worried smile on his face making me weak, as usual. I searched his eyes carefully — they held anxiety, and confusion, and pain, but I felt relief that he was allowing me to see it. Doubtless the same emotions were reflected back to him from my eyes.
“Good morning.” His voice was smooth as honey.
I started to feel the predictable effects of his proximity, and to make matters worse, he was still shirtless. Without thinking, I placed my hand on his solid stomach. He covered my hand with his, squeezing it against him for an instant, then pulled it away and dropped it. I understood his warning look; we were quite far from the barn, but still visible.
“Can we talk?” he asked quietly.
At my nod, he turned and led the way down the narrow trail in the grass, pulling on his white T-shirt as we walked. Barely out of sight of the barn, he took my hand and held it tightly. We went to the edge of the field; it was a beautiful spot, dotted with wildflowers and ringed by tall leafy trees, but I wasn’t in any state to appreciate its loveliness.
We sat in the long, slightly damp grass. I wasn’t aware that I was clutching my stomach until Jaden put his hand on mine.
“Does your stomach hurt?” I saw guilt darkening his eyes.
“Not really,” I lied, removing my hand.
“Did you eat
?”
I gave my head a small shake. He didn’t reproach me, for once. Instead, he cupped my face with one hand and kissed me. It was a soft kiss, but he lingered. I responded despite myself and before I knew it we were rolling onto the damp grass, limbs entwined, kissing with a passion that tasted of desperation.
“Wait,” I protested breathlessly as the weight of his body pressed onto mine.
“Please, Téa,” he breathed in my ear, “please, just let me be close to you.”
It was a plea I almost couldn’t resist. It was so difficult, in fact, that I hedged for several minutes, while Jaden’s lips grew more insistent and his body moved against mine in new, more purposeful ways. He showed no sign of pulling back, as he normally would have by this point. That’s what set off the alarm bells in my head — the fact that his behavior still seemed desperate. As though this was our last chance...
“Jaden, stop.” It came out in a whisper.
He sagged against me, his breathing rapid in my ear. I felt a sudden stab of doubt. What if it was our last chance? Had I just given up my only opportunity to make love to Jaden? Regret began rising within me, but I suppressed it quickly. Things were confusing enough right now, I’d have plenty of time to suffer through it later.
He flung himself roughly onto his back and shielded his eyes with his arm. He lay there for a second, then reached for me and gathered me to his side, settling my head on his shoulder. His face was rigid, set.
“I’m sorry,” he said stiffly. “As though I don’t have enough to apologize for... we can add my behavior just now to the list of reasons why you’d be better off without me.”
I exhaled sharply in frustration.
“Okay, time out,” I snapped. I sat up, jerking out of his embrace. “Jaden, would you please tell me what the hell is going on?” It felt good to get angry; it burned away the feelings of sorrow and uncertainty and unworthiness. For now.
He sat up and faced me, but he couldn’t meet my eyes.
“The only thing going on is my complete and utter inability to do the right thing by you,” he said tersely.
“What does that even mean?” I threw up my hands. “Look, all I want to know is-” My voice broke, and I had to swallow hard before I could go on. “Is there any hope of us being together, or is it really over?”
His eyes snapped up then; they burned into mine while his hands grasped my arms so hard it hurt.
“What? Of course we’re together — I thought-”
But I didn’t get to hear what he thought because right about then I started sobbing. He pulled me onto his lap, whispering words of comfort, Spanish interwoven amongst them.
“Mi bebé preciosa, I thought you knew... that after last night you would have known we were still together.” He kissed my hair, my forehead, my face. “Téa, my resolve didn’t last five minutes after you left.”
It took me a few minutes to get my crying under control, and then I took what felt like the first real breath I’d taken since the night before.
“You scared me for a minute there,” I said. The understatement of the century.
“Did you really think I would have touched you the way I just did, taken advantage of you like that, if we weren’t together?” There was an edge to his voice — more than annoyed, almost angry.
“Would you stop saying that!” My anger, on the other hand, was fully present.
He was taken aback. “Saying what?”
“That you’re taking advantage of me! How many times must I tell you that you cannot take advantage of someone who wants the same things as you?”
He shook his head, his brows pulling together. “I can’t help it, that’s the way it feels to me sometimes.”
“That’s because you’re still thinking of me as your little cousin. As someone without the maturity necessary to judge for herself what she’s capable of handling. In other words, you’re not seeing me clearly.” I twisted onto my knees in front of him and took his face in my hands. “If we’re going to make this work, you need to start seeing me as just Téa. Téa, your girlfriend. Your lover. That is if I ever manage to trick you into sleeping with me.” I couldn’t help smiling a bit at the end.
We lay back in the grass, his arms around me.
“So what happened, Jaden? What changed your mind?” I was watching his face carefully, so I noticed the flash of anger in his eyes, though it passed quickly. I blinked in surprise. Anger was not what I’d been expecting.
“I didn’t ‘change my mind’,” he said, his voice low. “My mind wasn’t made up. I wanted to talk to you.” He pulled my body closer to his; his arms were hard with tension. I could feel his fist against my back.
“Please don’t run away from me again,” he said.
“Is that why you’re angry?” I asked quietly. “Because I ran?”
My face was hidden against his neck, and he pulled away and put his hand on my cheek. He waited until I looked at him before answering.
“I’m not angry at you, Téa. You know that, right?” He was frowning. My expression must have shown that I didn’t, because he sighed and stroked my face before going on. “I’m angry at myself, querida. For hurting you. For putting you in this impossible position. For not being man enough to stay away from you in the first place.”
I studied his face.
“Tell me something, my love — do you regret our time together?”
“Not one second of it.”
“Well, neither do I. I’ve been happier with you than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I can’t imagine life without you anymore. I don’t care about anything else.” I was laying bare my soul, and it scared the hell out of me, but if ever there was a time for honesty this was it.
He pressed his lips to my forehead for a long moment before locking eyes with me.
“Tell me something. Yesterday, why did you immediately assume that I was... breaking up with you?” His face tightened with pain as he said it.
“Because I’ve been feeling it, Jaden. I’ve felt your hesitation, your doubt. Your reticence. Like in the way you won’t have sex with me.” I paused, searching for words to capture my nebulous feelings. “I know it would offend your sense of honor to sleep with me if you weren’t going to stay with me... and you haven’t wanted to sleep with me.”
He opened his mouth as if to argue, then seemed to think better of it. Instead, he traced my lips with his finger, looking thoughtful.
“I’m not reticent anymore.”
I felt my eyes widen; my heart rate doubled in an instant. I had no doubt he was telling the truth.
“So, what are we waiting for?” I smiled as I pulled myself against him.
“We need to finish this conversation, for one thing,” he reminded me, but he was smiling too. His hand moved up and down my back, keeping my body glued to his.
“Which will never happen, if you keep doing that,” I assured him, my breathing already uneven.
“Oh.” He released me, and I reluctantly put a few inches between us. “All right. I’ll give you my perspective, and then... well, we can discuss what we should do.” His voice was quiet, strained. He put one arm around me again. “And no running.” The last was almost a growl.
I nodded.
“If being with you means creating a rift in our family, I can live with that — for me. But not for you, querida. You need this family. And you need them without all the drama of another feud. I’m afraid that, by choosing to be with you, I’ll be robbing you of any chance at a peaceful family environment.”
“Is that it?”
He nodded, frowning.
“Well then, I’ve already answered you. I told you I don’t care about anything more than being with you. I’ll take the risk.”
“What if you can’t live here anymore? We both know Dec’s old-fashioned... what if he gives you an ultimatum?”
“Are you telling me I’d have no place to go?”
“That’s not the problem. I would love nothing better than for you to c
ome live with me, but what about the barn? The horses? Seth?”
I felt a pang at the mention of my brother’s name.
“Seth would want me to be happy. As for the rest... that would be hard. There’s no question that I would be sad for a while if I lost those things, but I’d adjust. But Jaden, if I lost you, I don’t know how I’d go on.”
He pulled me against him then. “You can never lose me,” he whispered in my ear. “These questions, they’re worst-case scenario. I hope we’ll never have to face them, but I wanted to make sure that you’ve thought this through. That you’ve considered the very high price you might pay to be with me.”
“You’re worth it at any price,” I murmured.
We lay quietly for a while, and he started rubbing my back again. After a few minutes, I felt the inevitable warmth rising from his touch. It reminded me of the conversation I’d had with Teri and Julia... was it only yesterday? It felt like ages ago. It seemed like such an unlikely idea that I was almost embarrassed to bring it up.
“Jaden,” I began, faltering, “you’re not trying to put off having sex with me ’til I’m eighteen, are you?” I didn’t look at him.
He didn’t answer for a moment; when I glanced at him he was watching me thoughtfully.
“I’ll admit it’s crossed my mind,” he said quietly. I tried to hide my surprise as he explained. “It might be easier for me to look Dec in the eye if I could tell him I waited until his daughter was a legal adult before I-” He hesitated.
“Jaden Foster, tell me you weren’t about to use the words ‘took’ and ‘advantage’ in that sentence,” I said severely.
“I was thinking of going with ‘defiled’, actually.” He grinned.
“It’s not funny,” I insisted, but I felt my mouth turn up a bit just the same. “You don’t really think of it that way, do you?”
“Of course not. But I’m afraid Dec might, and I want to do what I can to protect my relationship with him.”
“Okay, so if he asks we’ll tell him we waited. Which I seriously doubt will happen — he’s not going to want to know any details.”
