Kiss Kiss

by Various Authors

“How’s she doing?” Clay asked.

  “She’s…Tracey, you know? Can’t. Stop. Crying,” Caroline said as she attempted a smile, but her mouth wouldn’t cooperate.

  “I can only imagine.”

  Caroline walked to the hall closet and returned with an armful of photo boxes. She immediately scattered pictures on the floor around her.

  Clay watched her organize the photos into piles. “Babe, I’m going to jump in the shower, okay?”

  She barely moved or acknowledged his question. “Okay,” she muttered.

  Caroline allowed herself to get lost in thought once again. She smiled at how lucky she was to have a wonderful boyfriend whom she admired and an internship at a well-respected marketing firm. Her life seemed perfect. Although losing one of her closest friends was the furthest thing from perfect.

  She imagined her eventual wedding to Clay and mourned when she realized Johnny wouldn’t be there. He would never be a part of any upcoming events or activities. She could barely wrap her mind around that reality. How could she think of a future that didn’t include Johnny when he was a part of every future plan she made?

  With her heart hurting, she curled into a ball on the floor, surrounded by memories of the not-so-distant past that suddenly seemed like lifetimes ago. She tucked her arms up under her head and sobbed herself to sleep.

  ****

  When Clay stepped out of the shower and into the chilly hallway, he noticed his heartbroken girlfriend asleep on the floor. She had been so beautiful earlier when she was crying, her green eyes glowing like emeralds, and Clay had wanted to tell her then how beautiful she looked, but knew it wasn’t the right time.

  Clay sighed, guilt consuming him at how relieved he was that Caroline didn’t ask him to go to the funeral with her. He was in the middle of helping out with his firm’s biggest criminal case to date and there was no way he could leave. He knew he’d never get hired on at the firm if he took time off when it wasn’t a matter of life or death. Immediate family’s life or death, anyway.

  He walked over to where she lay curled on the floor, and crouched down to watch her sleep. He reached out to stroke her hair and thought back to the day they had met. Clay had been drawn to Caroline immediately. Her Southern California beach girl look—with her long, sun-streaked blonde hair, green eyes, and sun-kissed face—reminded him of home.

  They’d become so close since then, especially since moving in together after college. Aside from work, this girl was his life.

  He gently scooped her up in his arms and settled her on top of their bed. He placed a blanket over her and kissed the top of her head before he closed the bedroom door behind him.

  Chapter Two

  Caroline’s flight landed right on time. Tracey waited for her outside of the baggage claim area in her car. Caroline ran toward the dark blue Jeep Grand Cherokee. The trunk popped open and she tossed her luggage in before running around to the front. Tracey was in the driver’s seat, her short blonde hair in perfect order and her blue eyes glowing. The girls hugged and their joy at seeing each other again quickly dissolved into tears over the loss of one of their best friends.

  “You look amazing.” Caroline’s voice hitched as she settled back in her seat after hugging Tracey over the console.

  “So do you.”

  “I can’t believe I’m back here for this. I never imagined…” Caroline’s voice trailed off. She loved going to school in New York. The city was so alive, vibrant, and full of so many types of people. Living there for five years had given her a perspective she was certain she couldn’t have gained anywhere else. She liked what living in New York had done for her soul. She loved being back, just not under these circumstances.

  “At least you get to leave,” Tray mumbled under her breath, as she glanced over her shoulder before pulling out into traffic.

  “What do you mean?” Caroline’s face crinkled in confusion.

  “Well, you get to leave after it’s all over. I have to stay here and run into our old friends, or Johnny’s mom. I hate you.”

  “You could always come back with me, you know?” Caroline’s face lit up. “Oh dear God, Tray, please. Please come back with me!” she begged.

  “Whatever. You have Clay. You don’t need me hanging around all third wheel-esque.”

  “Clay’s never home. He probably wouldn’t even notice that you moved in for weeks,” Caroline teased.

  “You don’t mind though, right?” Tracey looked serious. “That he’s always gone?”

  Caroline smiled. “Are you kidding? I love being home alone.”

  “Watching reality TV without the sarcastic injections?”

  “Among other things, but YES!” The girls giggled. “And I have Bailey, so that’s a plus.”

  “I always forget that Bailey’s there,” Tracey remembered.

  “She said to tell you hi by the way,” Caroline smiled.

  “Ooh, tell her I said hi back! I’m so happy you have her there.”

  Caroline laughed. “You’re so weird.”

  “What? Why am I weird? You’re the weird one.” Tracey glanced quickly to her right and then back to the road. “I still don’t know how you can just move from city to city without freaking out. You didn’t know anyone when you moved to New York and you didn’t even care. Just thinking about that makes me start sweating!”

  “See? You’re the weird one.” Caroline swatted at Tracey’s arm.

  “Stop. You’re going to make me crash!” Tracey’s lips curled into a snarl.

  Crash.

  Memories of Johnny instantly consumed Caroline’s every thought. “Tray,” Caroline took a long breath. “I am so not looking forward to this.”

  Tracey looked at her and then quickly looked away. “Tell me about it.” She wiped at her face with the back of her free hand. “Are you going to speak at the funeral?”

  “I don’t know…I haven’t decided. Are you?” Caroline smiled, already knowing the answer.

  “Are you crazy?” Tracey’s voice got high in pitch. “You know I can’t speak in front of anyone.”

  ****

  The girls arrived at the funeral home about an hour before the service started. When Caroline first got the phone call about Johnny’s death, she had cried for the loss of things he’d never get to do—get married, have kids, or any of that suburban bullshit he probably would have put off for as long as possible anyway. Thoughts of his rebellion made her laugh out loud.

  “What are you laughing at?” Tracey asked.

  “Nothing. Just thinking.” Caroline smiled softly.

  “Inappropriate,” Tracey informed her with a slight frown.

  Caroline’s eyebrows raised and her eyes widened. “Right. I forgot how dangerous thinking was. My bad.”

  “Good thing I’m here to remind you.” Tracey nodded.

  “Seriously. I’d be some inappropriate rule-breaker without you.”

  They walked through two large wooden doors into the reception area. The girls noticed Johnny’s mom, Jackie, and gave each other a quick, exasperated look. Caroline had always thought Jackie looked glamorous for her age, but seeing her now, in this setting, she stood out like a bottle of vodka at an AA meeting.

  Jackie was dressed in a short black mini skirt with a form-fitting, low cut, black top. Her cleavage welcomed anyone who came near. She had on four-inch black heels that accented her ridiculously perfect legs. Her jet-black hair was pulled tightly into a bun, half her face covered by oversized sunglasses. Caroline thought Jackie looked like she was dressed for a night out on the town, not the funeral of her only child.

  “Talk about inappropriate,” Tracey whispered.

  Jackie dabbed at her face with tissue when she recognized the girls. She removed her sunglasses and walked over briskly.

  “Tracey! Caroline! Oh…” She broke off into heaving sobs and grabbed the girls tightly, as if attempting to hug the life out of them.

  “Hi, Mrs. Lucca. We’re so sorry.” Caroline spoke through her own te
ars.

  “I know,” she lamented. “He loved you girls so much.”

  “We loved him too,” Tracey sobbed.

  “Thank you both for coming. Is Clay here?” Jackie asked, peeking over Caroline’s shoulder.

  “He had to work, but he sends his condolences,” Caroline explained.

  “Well, make sure to tell him that we missed him.”

  “I will,” she promised.

  “Johnny’s inside.” Jackie nudged the girls toward another set of doors. “You should go see him.”

  Caroline shot Tracey a brief, uncomfortable look before agreeing. “Okay. So…we’ll be back.”

  “I’m so glad you’re both here.” Jackie gave them a wan smile and turned toward a small group of adults standing near the guest book.

  Tracey and Caroline slowly walked into the parlor where only a few people had gathered. The dark wood walls and lights gave everything a slight orange glow. Johnny’s white casket rested at the far end of the room; enormous flower arrangements adorned each side. The girls slowly walked down the aisle toward his lifeless body.

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” Tracey choked out, her face suddenly pale.

  “Yes, you can. Come on. Just breathe.” Caroline took Tracey by the hand.

  As they neared the open casket, the girls slowed their pace, finally coming to a stop a foot in front of the casket. Caroline peeked toward his face before they inched closer.

  “He looks so weird,” she admitted with a whisper. Johnny’s face was unusually pale, like a dusty chalkboard, Caroline thought to herself. There was a scratch on his forehead and one on his cheek that they tried to cover up with way too much makeup. In fact, Johnny’s entire face was covered in some sort of makeup. A football was tucked under his right arm and the gesture made Caroline smile. She placed a picture of the three of them under his left shoulder and whispered, “We’ll always be with you.”

  “It’s so weird not to see him smiling,” Tracey noted.

  Caroline put her arm around Tracey and took a deep breath. “I know. You know that’s not him any more…right, Tray?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I just mean, his spirit—or his soul, or whatever you want to call it—it’s not inside that body any more. He’s probably watching over us right now, laughing or making fun of us,” Caroline explained.

  “Probably. It still hurts, though.” Tracey nodded her head and leaned into her friend’s shoulder.

  Caroline agreed. “It hurts like hell.”

  The girls spent another minute in silence before they turned to find seats. The room had quickly filled up behind them and additional mourners stood outside.

  Johnny’s uncle stood behind a tall dark podium. He spoke through tears about a young life filled with laughter, excitement and adventure. “It’s all so fragile. Precious, really. You never think about the fact that it can all be gone in an instant. Hopes and future dreams, all snuffed out.”

  Caroline watched as he pulled a matchbook from his pants pocket. Slowly, he lit one match and allowed it to burn for a few seconds before a short burst of his breath extinguished the once burning flame. Caroline watched as a single ribbon of smoke billowed up toward the ceiling.

  “Johnny was like that match. He brightened every room with his light. And then, just like that,” he snapped his fingers, “his light was gone. And all hopes for his future were gone with him.

  “Jesus. I’m never going to be able to stop crying now,” Caroline whispered into Tracey’s ear.

  Tracey tried to respond, but couldn’t. Caroline grabbed her hand and pulled it onto her leg, holding it tight.

  “Caroline Weber would like to say a few words.” The preacher’s voice broke through Caroline’s grief and nerves shot through her.

  “Shit,” she mumbled under her breath towards Tracey. “Guess I’m speaking after all.”

  Caroline shakily made her way to the podium sans prepared words, notes, or anything. You gotta wing it, she thought to herself. Standing at the head of the room she scanned the enormous crowd and instantly felt the warmth of love spread inside her. The crowd was a simple reminder to her of how much Johnny had been loved. She couldn’t help but smile.

  “Hi, everyone. My name is Caroline and I went to college with Johnny. My roommate Tracey, Johnny, and myself were pretty much inseparable. Everyone at school called us the Three Amigos, the Three Musketeers, Three’s Company.” Caroline rolled her eyes. “People were very creative.”

  Small bursts of laughter filled the room before Caroline continued. “I can’t believe this is happening. It doesn’t seem real, you know? I wish it wasn’t.” Caroline struggled to maintain her composure. “It seems so unfair. I stand here and ask myself, why? Why did this have to happen? Why did it have to happen to Johnny, of all people? Why now? Why, why, why?”

  She took a deep breath and wiped at her falling tears. “But there are no answers. There is no reason that would ever be good enough. I will tell you all this though…I’ll never be able to look at life the same way again. My perspective has changed. My mindset has shifted. And that’s because of Johnny. Even in death, he’s still bossing me around.”

  She laughed and the crowd laughed with her. “Life is too short…and nothing is certain. Nothing. Just because you tell someone you’ll talk to them later, or you’ll see them tomorrow, there is no guarantee that either of those things will happen. You hope they will. Hell, we all assume they will. But we don’t really know. Life can change in an instant. A single instant.”

  Caroline closed her eyes to blink out tears as she gripped the sides of the podium with both hands. “I’m going to make myself a promise right here and now. In Johnny’s honor. I promise to live each day to the fullest. I promise to listen to my heart and then work through my fears to follow it. I promise to realize what my dreams are and then take the steps necessary to make them a reality. I promise to be true to me. Not what someone else wants me to be, but what I want.” She glanced at Tracey, who was sobbing.

  “Johnny lived that way. And I always envied him for it. He never cared what other people would say. He lived by his heart. He let his passion guide him. He was the best person I’ve ever known and I miss him so much.”

  Caroline quickly walked away from the podium and down the steps to her seat. She buried her head in Tracey’s shoulder. “That was perfect,” Tracey whispered to her.

  “Thanks.” Caroline’s eyes closed as she struggled to hold back her tears.

  The preacher stepped behind the microphone to announce, “The burial will take place at plot twenty-three on the East Lawn. It’s located right outside the double doors and to your left.”

  Caroline and Tracey held hands as they crept out one of the back doors. Caroline squinted as the sun momentarily blinded her and fumbled through her purse for her sunglasses. The wind whipped at her hair and she fought to stop it from blowing into her face. She spotted the white casket being carried in the distance. “There it is.”

  “How do you know for sure?” Tracey asked.

  “Look around. There’s no one else here.”

  Tracey scanned the area and noticed that Caroline was right. Aside from the crowd that formed at Johnny’s future resting site, the graveyard was empty. They made their way over to the white casket, which was now closed.

  The preacher cleared his throat and the girls directed their attention to him. He read a brief prayer aloud before two workers slowly lowered Johnny into the freshly dug ground. Jackie let out a mournful wail that almost brought Caroline to her knees. Sobs filtered through the air as the casket dropped out of sight.

  The girls sat on the slightly dampened ground next to Johnny’s mom while everyone else slowly filed out of the cemetery. As the sky’s bright orange glow began to fade, the girls stood up. They hugged Jackie goodbye, promised to keep in touch, and walked away from the pile of fresh dirt, arm in arm.

  Caroline let out an exasperated breath. “That was so sad. But also…kind of catha
rtic, don’t you think?”

  Tracey shrugged her shoulders. “How do you mean?”

  “I dunno. It was nice to hear all those stories about him. What he was like as a kid, a teenager, and then with us. I just feel…kinda happy?”

  “What? What do you mean you feel happy?” Tracey snapped.

  “Not happy, HAPPY. But like…ugh, I don’t know how to explain it! I’m just so freaking thankful that I got to experience college with him.”

  “I don’t understand you at all sometimes.”

  Caroline laughed. “It was just nice to think of him today and laugh and smile and remember all of his jokes and antics. It made me feel good that everyone saw him that way…positive, happy, confident, and adventurous. I just think there’s something so beautiful in being remembered like that.”

  “Seriously. Please stop talking,” Tracey whined.

  “Fine. But Johnny would not want us to be sad and sulk all weekend. You know what he would want us to do.” Caroline eyeballed her friend.

  Tracey’s face dropped. “Go out?”

  Caroline’s eyes lit up. “Go. Out. He would definitely want us to go out.”

  “I hope I don’t die any time soon. You’ll probably go to Disneyland or something.”

  “Ooooh, can I? I’ll bring your ashes on Space Mountain!” Caroline beamed while Tracey’s face filled with horror.

  “Okay, really. Stop. How can you laugh and make jokes right now? You’re freaking me out.”

  “I’m just playing, Tray. Sorry.” Caroline wondered if she laughed and made jokes so she wouldn’t fall apart.

  “Care?” Caroline’s nickname sounded in her ears and broke her current train of thought. “I don’t want to go out tonight, okay?” Tracey asked. “I mean, I want to go out—just not tonight.”

  Caroline smiled in slight relief. “We’ll go out tomorrow,” she said softly.

  Once the girls were safe and sound back in Tracey’s apartment, Caroline turned on the television and heard the sound of soft snores coming from the oversized chair. She pulled out her cell phone and dialed Clay’s number.

  “Hi, babe. Yeah, it was awful and wonderful. Oh my gosh, yes. So freaking sad. She was a mess. She said to tell you hi. I know. I’m exhausted. Okay. I love you, too. ’Night.” Caroline hung up and relaxed her head against the back of the couch.