One Day Soon

by A. Meredith Walters

  I was buzzing. On fire. A thousand sparks shot through my body. A warmth bubbled in my belly. Between my legs where I cradled him.

  With shaking fingers he slowly eased his hands up my shirt, touching bare skin for the first time since I was seventeen. I jolted at the contact.

  Yoss instantly stilled, taking the movement as rejection. He started to pull his hand out from my shirt and I grabbed him, holding him in place. “Please, Yoss. Touch me,” I breathed.

  I brought his hand up to my breast. “Touch me,” I repeated raggedly. I begged him. I implored.

  I needed his hands on me. Everywhere.

  He ran his thumb over my hard nipple and I shuddered, lifting my hips to rub against him. In a flurry of movement Yoss pulled my shirt over my head so that I was sitting on the counter in just my jeans and bra.

  “My god, you’re beautiful,” he whispered, worshipping me with his eyes. Slowly, too slowly, he lowered his mouth to my chest. Kissing. Licking. Taking his time.

  He sucked on my nipple through the fabric and I arched my back with a loud groan. I gripped the back of his head and held him as his suckled my still covered skin.

  Yoss reached behind my back and fumbled with the clasp of my bra. “How do you take this stupid thing off?” he grumbled.

  “It’s an evil machination invented by women to drive men crazy,” I intoned darkly, grinning like mad when Yoss ripped it from my body, not bothering with the clasp.

  “That’s one way to do it,” I chuckled. “Your turn.” I unbuttoned his shirt, carefully peeling it from his body, throwing it on the floor with my shirt and bra. His skin was rough under my fingers. The slightly yellow hue more pronounced in the artificial light in the kitchen.

  “So many,” I murmured touching each of his scars. “Too many.” I kissed them. One at a time. Loving them.

  Yoss’s hand ran down my back as I made my way over each and every reminder of his past. I didn’t shy from them. I embraced them in a way I hadn’t been able to as a teenager.

  But I was a woman now. With my own scars. I understood the cost of baring them.

  “You don’t have to.” Yoss sounded so ashamed.

  I looked up at him. “I know.”

  He kissed me again. Harder. Desperate. All hands and tongues and mouths.

  I unbuttoned his jeans, letting them fall in a puddle around his ankles. His narrow hips not holding them in place. His erection pressed against me and I gasped at the feel of him.

  In a moment of frenzy I bit down on his lip. Hard. I tasted his blood in my mouth.

  Yoss pulled back as though I had burned him. His hand came up and touched his bleeding skin.

  “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?” I reached out for him, but he backed away. He bent down and pulled up his pants, buttoning them again.

  “We can’t,” was all he said. He grabbed a napkin and held it to his lip. “I can’t expose you to…” he struggled with the words. “To me.”

  “I shouldn’t have done that, it was stupid of me—”

  “That’s not the point, Imi. I want to. God, do I want to. But we can’t forget, for one moment, that I’m sick. That I could make you sick.” He ran his hands through his hair, still breathing erratically, his chest rising and falling quickly.

  I was still in a haze of hormone laced desire, so it took a few minutes for me to register what he was saying.

  “Yoss—” I began.

  “No! Don’t say whatever you’re going to say. We can’t do this. It’s just not possible.” He grabbed his shirt and put it back on with shaking hands. “We can’t have sex. Not now. Not ever.”

  I hopped down from the counter and grabbed his arm so that he couldn’t leave the room. “You need to listen to me for a second.”

  “You work in a fucking hospital, Imogen, you know the damn risks! How could we have been so fucking stupid? Just being around my blood exposes you to what I have!” He yanked on his hair in his frustration.

  I gave his arm a squeeze, my nails digging into his skin. “Are you done self-flagellating?” I demanded, gripping his chin and forcing him to look at me. “We need to be careful. I shouldn’t have bitten you. But that doesn’t mean we can’t…that you and I can’t…be together.”

  Yoss looked at me as if I had grown another head. “What are you talking about?”

  “For starters, working in a hospital, I have to be vaccinated against all sorts of diseases. Including hep B.” My fingers curled up to cup his cheek. “And if we take precautions.” I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed his mouth. “We can be together, Yoss. It is possible.”

  “I’d never forgive myself if I made you sick.” He closed his eyes briefly.

  “There’s no rush. We don’t have to do anything tonight. Just being here together is enough.” Even though I was a quivering mess of unfulfilled desire, I gave him a reassuring smile.

  “It’s late, we should get some sleep,” I said softly, taking his hand and leading him down the hallway.

  We walked past the room where Yoss had been staying. Neither of us said anything when I opened the door to my bedroom. He wouldn’t be sleeping in another bed. Not tonight.

  Never again.

  Without saying a word I quickly changed into a T-shirt while Yoss stripped off his clothes. Together we got under the covers and I rolled onto my side as Yoss pressed himself against my back.

  A simple dance we had performed a hundred times before.

  His hand found mine in the darkness.

  He began to hum a song. A tune I didn’t really recognize. It didn’t matter.

  I fell asleep wrapped in his comforting familiarity.

  Fifteen Years Earlier

  After my shower I curled up beside Yoss on the bed and fell into a deep, uninterrupted sleep.

  When I woke up hours later, the room was pitch black and I was disoriented. All I knew was that I was warm. Deliciously so. I snuggled underneath the blankets, making a cocoon.

  Then I realized I was alone. That wasn’t right. I never slept alone.

  For a few strange minutes I thought I was back at The Pit. Which made no sense because I was never warm there.

  Then I remembered where I was.

  And what had happened.

  Bug.

  I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes until they adjusted to the dimness. Yoss wasn’t in bed with me. And from what I could see he wasn’t in the room. I quickly put on my jeans and sweatshirt before checking the bathroom. It was dark. No Yoss.

  The first threads of anxiety uncurled in my gut.

  Where was he?

  I slipped on my still damp shoes and opened the door to the room, a blast of cold air and cigarette smoke hitting me in the face.

  Yoss leaned against a post staring out into the night, watching the snow fall steadily. The glow from the end of his cigarette flared as he inhaled.

  He turned around at the sound the opening the door.

  “Hey,” he said softly.

  “Hey.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”

  Yoss blew out a lungful of smoke and looked back out across the parking lot.

  “Couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake you up with my tossing and turning.” Another puff on the cigarette. “It’s still early, you should try to sleep some more.”

  I made sure I had the room key in my pocket and quietly shut the door behind me, moving to stand beside Yoss.

  “I’m awake now.” I rubbed my hands up and down over my arms. My breath came in puffs out in front of me.

  Yoss rolled his cigarette between his fingers. “I should quit. It’s a nasty habit.”

  “Yes it is,” I agreed, making a face.

  Yoss dropped the butt on the pavement and crushed it with his toe. “Why couldn’t you sleep? You must be exhausted,” I asked when he didn’t head back into the room.

  He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Just thinking about Bug. I can’t believe how little I really knew about him. I
thought we were family. I had no idea he already had one somewhere else. A family that wanted him.”

  I leaned against the other side of the post and blew on my cold hands. “How could you have known if he never mentioned them?” I pointed out.

  He looked over at me, his brow furrowed. “He had a family, Imi. One that loved him. He should have been with them and not with us. I should have asked more. His brother was right, I should have made him go home. I knew about the drugs. That should have been enough to make him do something.”

  “His brother apologized for what he said, Yoss. He was just angry and upset. He didn’t mean any of it,” I added.

  “Doesn’t mean he wasn’t right.” He straightened his shoulders and pulled out the second room key. “Let get inside. We spend too much time in the cold.”

  I reached out and grabbed his hand before he could walk away. “Don’t blame yourself for Bug. There’s nothing you, or anyone, could have done to save him. He made his choices.”

  Yoss’s eyes gleamed in the streetlight. “Yes, he did. We all make our choices, don’t we?” I hated this side of Yoss. This part of him that too easily blamed himself, who was mired in guilt.

  I wanted to see the Yoss who walked with hope in his eyes and a smile on his face. It had been too long since I had seen that Yoss.

  We went back inside and Yoss threw the deadbolt over the door.

  “Come to bed,” I told him, pulling on his hand. I ran my hand through his damp hair. His skin was cold to the touch.

  The room was hushed. I could hear our breathing. Intense.

  I needed to be close to him. More than I needed anything. I wanted the connection that I felt only with him. I felt as though we were walking along the edge of a cliff. We were dangerously close to falling over.

  What would we do when we finally fell?

  “You need to sleep, Imi,” he said so, so quietly, watching me as I took off my sweatshirt again. Eyes heating as I kicked off my jeans. I stood before him in my bra and underwear. Too skinny. Hair stringy and scraggly down my back. Scrapes and bruises on my legs.

  But I had never felt more beautiful.

  “I’ve slept enough,” I whispered, scared to speak any louder. The room became hot. Heavy. Full of promises and longing.

  Slowly, so slowly, he leaned down and kissed my mouth. I remained perfectly still, not wanting to move too much in case he stopped.

  I felt it. The moment when the walls came down. Slowly. Brick by brick we dismantled the last barrier between us.

  Yoss undressed. Then I could touch him. All of him. Nothing between us. It was a heady feeling. Overwhelming. Like the love that rushed through my body unheeded.

  Yoss laid me down on the bed. He was all shadow as he loomed over me. But I could feel him. His hand on my face. His bare leg against mine. His naked chest beneath my palm.

  The beat, beat, beat of his constant heart.

  He kissed my cheeks. My eyelids. My chin. He ran his thumb down the side of my neck and it was then that I realized how much skin was touching. We had never been like this before.

  I could feel him.

  Everywhere.

  “I just keep wondering what the hell we’re doing,” Yoss said, his lips against mine.

  I twined my hands around his neck, my fingers easing up into the strands of his hair. I nuzzled into his neck, breathing him in. He smelled like cigarette smoke, soap from the shower, and something sweeter. Something that hit me right in the heart.

  He smelled like my Yoss.

  I kissed the soft, steady thumping at the base of his throat. His skin was salty on my tongue.

  “Imi,” he breathed, his hands running down my side as he lifted my legs to wrap them around his waist, his fingers digging into my thighs.

  “We can’t keep going like this,” he rasped as I pressed against him. I could feel how hard he was and we both groaned.

  “We’ll figure it out, Yoss. As long as we’re together, everything will be okay.” I pulled him down and kissed him again. Insistent. My tongue swept along the curve of his mouth and he parted his lips, letting me in.

  “You really believe that?” he asked, rolling his hips gently as I arched up to meet him. My belly fluttered madly and every part of me was on fire.

  “I believe in us,” I declared and then we weren’t talking anymore.

  “I want to see you.” Yoss reached over and turned on the bedside lamp.

  The light was harsh and I had to close my eyes for a moment. When I opened them again I found Yoss staring down at me with something like wonder on his face. Something like joy.

  Something like out of control panic.

  I was almost completely naked underneath him. He was between my thighs and the only thing separating us were thin strips of fabric. He wanted me. I could feel it.

  It scared me. I was a virgin after all. I had enough friends tell me that the first time hurt.

  But I knew that the only person I wanted to share this part of me with was Yoss. He owned my heart. I wanted him to have my body as well.

  He didn’t seem so sure though.

  “I don’t think this is a good idea.” Even as he said the words, he ran his hand up my stomach, inch by inch until he was cupping my breast. I moaned, leaning into his palm.

  “It’s the best idea we ever had,” I argued, wiggling against him, loving the friction between us.

  “The things I’ve done, Imi—”

  I quickly sat up, his hand dropping from my body. I leaned up on my knees until we were nose to nose. His eyes were bright. Too bright. I saw the love he felt for me.

  But I also saw the shame.

  And that I couldn’t tolerate. Not for a moment.

  “I don’t care what you’ve done before. I love you. That’s not conditional. I don’t agree with the things you’ve done, but I also know you were desperate and doing what you had to do to stay alive.” I framed his face with my hands. “Just promise me you won’t do it again. That you’ll find another way. Because once we share this, I don’t want you to be with anyone else. No matter the reason.”

  Yoss looked conflicted. “I hate the things I’ve had to do. But if it puts food in your stomach—”

  “Then I’ll gladly starve!” I declared emphatically. “And I’ll smile because I know you won’t be giving them what belongs to me.” I kissed him harshly. Brutally. Teeth clanging together. Tongues tangled. I pulled away and we were both panting. “What belongs to you.”

  I stared into his eyes, never looking away. “Promise me, Yoss! Promise you won’t give this away to anyone else. That you won’t let anyone else touch you.”

  “I promise,” he whispered, closing his eyes as tears slid down his cheeks creating long, painful trails. “I’d give you whatever you asked for. I want to remember what it feels like not to be ashamed. Not to feel sick inside. To be able to love without guilt and regret.”

  I brushed the hair back from his face. “I’ll help you. That’s my promise to you.”

  Then we were kissing. And touching.

  The last of our clothes were discarded and we were finally skin to skin. Yoss paused, positioned between my legs. I felt him in the most sensitive, intimate places. But we weren’t close enough. Not nearly enough.

  “Wait, Imogen. We can’t yet,” Yoss rasped, and I wanted to scream with frustration.

  I had been waiting so long to be like this with him. I felt like he was throwing obstacle after obstacle up to stop us.

  “If you don’t want to…if I’m not…I mean, I don’t want to make you…” I stuttered and tripped over my words, feeling the crushing sense of rejection.

  I tried to wiggle out from underneath him wanting to curl into a ball and hide. Yoss held me still, refusing to let me move.

  “It’s not what you’re thinking,” he said firmly. “I want to be inside of you. Nothing will stop me from feeling you everywhere.”

  I flushed at his words. “Then what’s the problem?”

  “I can’t�
��I mean, we can’t…” Yoss looked away, suddenly shy. “We need protection. I won’t put you at risk. I don’t know if I’m…if I have anything. I love you. I want to be with you. But I won’t risk your health,” he let out in a rush.

  Protection.

  Where the hell were we going to get that?

  “Oh. Okay. Well, that makes sense,” I said, trying to hide my disappointment.

  “I have condoms. In my wallet. I always have them,” Yoss explained. He didn’t need to say why he had to be prepared.

  Don’t think about that! I screamed at myself.

  Not now. Not when we’re like this!

  Yoss crawled off the bed and dug into the pocket of his jeans, retrieving his wallet.

  I felt completely exposed, lying naked on the bed. I awkwardly covered up with the blanket, trying not to stare as he tore open the foil packet and rolled the condom on.

  I was fascinated, even if I felt a little pervy for ogling him.

  When he was finished, he came back to the bed, giving me a soft, sweet smile. He saw that I was completely wrapped in the blanket and raised an eyebrow.

  “Are you cold?”

  I shook my head. “I feel a little like a turkey waiting to be eaten on Thanksgiving.” I laughed nervously.

  Yoss chuckled and slipped under the covers with me. I could feel his latex covered erection against my belly and my throat went dry.

  “Are you okay? If you don’t want to—” Yoss started, but I cut him off. With a kiss.

  “Does that answer your question?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I think so.” His voice broke slightly and he let out a long, pent up breath.

  “Are you okay?” We were asking each other that question a lot. I didn’t know sex required so much talking.

  “I’m not a virgin, Imi. You know that,” he began. This wasn’t something I wanted to discuss. Not now.

  “But I feel like I am.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me flush against him. “Because this is the first time it will mean something. For the first time, I’ll feel it here.” He placed my hand over his heart. He smiled. “So I’m nervous. Really nervous,” he admitted.

  “Me too,” I whispered.

  Yoss kissed me again and this time he didn’t stop.