Cowboy Deputy

by Carla Cassidy

  He unchained and unlocked the door to admit the older man who carried with him a large shopping bag. He nodded at Edie and walked over to the small table. “Got you some coffee and egg muffins and a couple of sweet rolls,” he said.

  “Thanks, Brett, we appreciate it,” Benjamin replied.

  “No problem. Just call the office when you need something else and I’ll be happy to do food runs for you.” With another nod to Edie he left the room.

  Benjamin locked the door behind him as Edie began to unload the food. Maybe she’d feel better after a cup of coffee. A caffeine rush would surely banish her desire to be back in Benjamin’s arms.

  They sat at the small table and ate, talking little until the food was gone and they were left with the last of their coffee.

  “The good news for the town is that the wooded area where the body parts were found wasn’t contaminated and won’t require an expensive cleanup,” he said. “Something like that could bankrupt a small town like Black Rock.”

  “That is good news for you,” she replied.

  “And we’ll have good news for you soon,” he said softly. “This is going to be over and the person who attacked you will be behind bars.”

  “From your lips to God’s ears.” She took a sip of coffee and broke off eye contact with him. It was there again in his eyes, a soft vulnerability, a sweet longing that scared her.

  “Edie.” The longing she’d seen in his eyes was now in his voice.

  She closed her eyes, refusing to look at him. “Benjamin, don’t.” She was afraid of what he was about to say, didn’t want to hear whatever he thought might be in his heart.

  “I have to,” he said, obviously knowing exactly what she meant. “My lack of real passion used to worry me. I’ve watched two of my brothers fall in love. I saw the passion in their eyes, heard it in their voices whenever they saw or talked about their women. I thought something was missing inside me. I’d never felt that for any woman I’d dated, until now. Until you.”

  There it was, out on the table, the one thing she didn’t want to hear from him, the last thing she’d wanted to hear. She forced herself to look at him and the emotion in his eyes was raw and open for her to see.

  “I love you, Edie. I love you passionately, desperately and I want you to stay here in Black Rock with me. I want you in my life today and forever.”

  It was exactly what she’d feared. She was going to be his first heartbreak and she hated it; she hated herself for not being the woman he needed in his life.

  “Benjamin, you’re just feeling that way because of last night,” she said. “I’ll admit, the sex was great. We obviously have a physical chemistry, but I’ve told you all along, I’m not looking for a relationship.”

  “Sometimes when you aren’t looking for love it finds you anyway,” he countered. He reached across the table for her hand, but she pulled away, not wanting his touch, which would simply make things more difficult. “Edie, I’m a simple man, but I believe you love me. I see it when you look at me, I tasted it in your kisses last night. I’ve had sex with women before, but last night we made love, both of us together.”

  She desperately sought the words to deny her own feelings for him, but they refused to rise to her lips. Once again she looked down at the top of the table, finding it impossible to look into his eyes without drowning in his feelings for her.

  “It doesn’t matter. Don’t you see?” She got up from the table and stepped away from him. “It doesn’t matter what you feel, and it doesn’t matter what I feel. I’m still going back to Topeka and living my life alone.”

  A sudden grief clawed up her throat, burned in her eyes, the grief of knowing she was turning her back on love and the darker, deeper grief of overwhelming loss.

  She gripped the back of the chair, her knuckles white as she fought for control. But the fight was in vain. Tears began to run down her cheeks as an agonizing pain ripped through her. “Please, Benjamin, leave it alone,” she managed to gasp. “I’m not the kind of woman you want. You deserve better than me.”

  She looked around wildly, needing to escape not only from him, but also from her own dark thoughts, from the incredible pain that threatened to shatter her into pieces.

  He got up from his chair and took her by the shoulders, forcing her to look up at him. “What are you talking about, Edie? You are the woman I want and we both deserve to be happy together. I’ll ranch full-time and you can do whatever makes you happy as long as each morning I wake up to see your face and each night I fall asleep with the sound of your breathing next to me.”

  He moved his hand to her cheek and softly stroked there. “We’ll build a life together. We’ll laugh and we’ll love. Each night when the weather is nice, we’ll sit on the front porch and watch the horses play as the sun sets. It will be a wonderful life, Edie, if only you’ll share it with me.”

  It was magical picture he painted with his words, one she wanted to step into and embrace and she felt her resolve fading, her defenses crumbling.

  “Come on, Edie. You know you love me. Let’s raise cattle and children together.”

  Of all the things he might have said, this was the one thing that exploded apart the picture of happily-ever-after, and her weeping began in earnest.

  She didn’t want to tell him. She’d never wanted to tell anyone. But she was certain it was the one thing that would turn him away in revulsion, the one thing that would change his mind about loving her.

  And ultimately that would make it so much easier on her. If he’d just stop loving her. Then perhaps she wouldn’t want him as desperately, as frantically as she did.

  “Talk to me, Edie. Why are you crying?” He used his thumbs to wipe at the tears on her cheeks.

  She wasn’t sure what she was crying for, if it was because she had every intention of walking away from this wonderful man or if she cried for the child who had never been, the sweet baby daughter she’d lost.

  He attempted to pull her into his arms, but she whirled away from him, wild with her grief. She headed for the bathroom, needing the privacy, but before she went inside she turned back to face him.

  “You don’t know me, Benjamin. You don’t know what I’ve done.”

  “Then tell me. I know nothing you can say will change the way I feel about you. Nothing that you have done will make me not love you.”

  He was like a shimmering mirage in the veil of her tears, a mirage that looked like love but she knew if she let him close enough it would disappear.

  “I killed my baby, Benjamin. That’s what I did.” She watched his eyes widen and saw the shock that swept over his features just before she escaped into the bathroom and locked the door.

  Benjamin felt as if he’d been sucker punched in the gut. Of all the things he’d anticipated she might have said, there was no way he could have anticipated this.

  The one thing he knew was that there was no way Edie could intentionally harm anyone, especially her own baby. He stared at the closed bathroom door, the sound of her weeping drifting through the door.

  She’d hit him like a speeding, out-of-control driver and then had left before checking for damage or explaining why she’d been reckless in the first place.

  After everything they’d been through he deserved more from her. He knocked on the bathroom door. “Edie,” he said, steeling his heart against the sound of her crying. He tried the doorknob, unsurprised to find it locked. “Edie, come out here and talk to me. I haven’t asked you for much, but you owe me an explanation.”

  Her sobs were gut-wrenching. He heard her gasping for air, hiccupping as they began to subside. He remained standing outside the door until there was finally silence on the other side.

  “Edie, please talk to me,” he finally said. He stepped back as the doorknob turned and the door opened. The ravages of pain were on her splotchy face, in her red-rimmed eyes, and he wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms.

  She didn’t meet his gaze as she moved past him and sat
on the edge of his bed. She stared down at the carpet beneath her feet, her shoulders slumped forward in utter defeat.

  “I was almost seven months pregnant when Greg abandoned me.” Her voice was flat, as if she’d forgotten all her emotions in the bathroom. “I was reeling with the financial mess he’d left me, still grieving for my mother and wondering how I was going to deal with being a single parent.”

  He wanted to sit next to her, wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her everything was going to be okay, but he sensed her need to do this alone, to tell her story without the comfort he might offer her.

  “For the first couple weeks after he left and the creditors were calling me, I did nothing but cry.” She laced her fingers together in her lap, the white knuckles letting him know how difficult it was for her to talk.

  “I finally quit crying and decided I was going to be just fine. I’d be a terrific mother and I was strong enough to do it all alone.” She raised her head to look at him and in her eyes he saw a woman’s grief, a mother’s despair.

  “Everything seemed normal. I went into labor a week before my due day and got to the hospital. Halfway through the delivery I knew something was wrong. The atmosphere in the room changed and nobody was smiling or joking anymore. Eventually she arrived, a beautiful baby girl who was stillborn.”

  He could no longer stay away from her. He sat next to her but when he attempted to pull her into his embrace, she jerked away.

  “Edie, I’m so sorry for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.” His heart ached for her and he wished there was some way he could take away her pain, banish the haunting that darkened her eyes. “What did the doctor say?”

  She released a bitter laugh. “That these things happen, that it was a tragic medical mystery that sometimes occurs.”

  “Edie, you didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes bad things happen for no reason, but that doesn’t mean you should blame yourself, that you should punish yourself for the rest of your life.”

  She jumped up from the bed, her entire body trembling. “But I did do something wrong. In those two weeks that I was so broken, there was a night I thought for just a minute that everything would be so much easier if I wasn’t pregnant. I was big and fat and uncomfortable. Don’t you see, Benjamin, I wished the baby away and she was gone.”

  He got up off the bed and pulled her against his chest. She fought him, trying to get away, but he held tight until she collapsed against him as she cried uncontrollably.

  He now understood the shadows he’d sometimes seen in her eyes and the significance of the charm she wore around her neck. What he didn’t know was how to take away the misplaced guilt she felt, how to make her understand that to deny herself happiness for the rest of her life wasn’t the answer. He simply held her tight, waiting for her storm of tears to pass.

  Eventually she stopped crying and simply remained exhausted in his arms. He led her back to the bed and together they sat, his arm still around her shoulder.

  For several long minutes neither of them spoke. Her heartbreak hung thick and palpable in the air. He stroked her shoulder although he knew she was beyond the place where physical connection might comfort her.

  He drew a deep breath. “The day before Brittany disappeared I had a fight with her. As usual she was late to work and I’d had to cover some of her shift. I was ticked and I told her that there were times my life sure would be less complicated if she’d just get out of it for a while.”

  He paused to draw another breath, emotion thick in the back of his throat.

  Edie was as still as a statue against his side. “What did she say?” she finally asked.

  “She laughed and patted my cheek and told me not to be such a grumpy bear. It was the last time I talked to her. Am I to believe that in that moment of anger I somehow made her disappear for good?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then why would you believe that a moment’s thought had the power to make sure your baby didn’t live?”

  She didn’t answer. Her head remained bowed and her body felt boneless against him and he knew that he hadn’t broken through to her.

  “Edie, don’t throw your life away because of a tragedy. You deserve to be happy, and if it’s not with me, then open up your heart to somebody else.”

  She finally raised her head to look at him and in her eyes he saw the strength of her defenses back in place. She moved away from him and stood, her back rigid and her mouth pressed together in a grim line.

  “I’m not strong like you, Benjamin. I can’t forget what happened, what I lost.” She reached up and touched the charm that hung around her neck.

  “I don’t expect you to forget,” he countered. “Your daughter was a part of you, a part of your heart for nine months. You don’t forget those you love and lose. You remember them and sometimes you ache for them, but life goes on and the only way to truly honor their memory is to be happy.”

  A panic welled up inside him as her walls climbed higher. He was going to lose her before he’d ever really had her. “Edie, for God’s sake, let me in. Let me show you happiness and love.”

  For just a brief moment her eyes shimmered with the love he knew was deep in her heart for him. Hope filled him, but was quickly dashed as she shook her head and the emotion in her eyes vanished.

  “I’m sorry, Benjamin, but when this is all over I’m going back to Topeka. I don’t need love in my life. I don’t want it. I just want to live the rest of my life alone, without risk.”

  Once again she headed for the bathroom and disappeared inside. And this time Benjamin didn’t go after her.

  There was nothing more he could say, nothing more he could do, and for the first time in his life, Benjamin knew the pain of heartbreak.

  Chapter 11

  Edie would have liked to hide out in the bathroom forever. At least in here she didn’t have to look at Benjamin, didn’t have to see the love light in his eyes.

  It hurt. Her love for him ached in her chest. She’d never wanted anything more in her life than a future with him, a chance to grow old with him at her side.

  But she was afraid to love again, afraid to seek happiness. She couldn’t forgive herself and she didn’t trust that his love wasn’t just some illusion to torment her.

  She took a shower and lingered after dressing. She didn’t want to go back inside the room and see the pain she’d inflicted on him.

  She’d never wanted to break his heart. He was such a good man, as solid as the day was long and with a tenderness that was a gift to anyone who knew him.

  For a moment if she closed her eyes and let herself go, she could see a future with him, she could hear the days of laughter, feel the love that would fill her world.

  The moment was shattered by his knock on the door. “Edie, Tom just called. It’s over. Jeffrey Allen confessed to everything.”

  She sagged against the door. Over. It was all over. Now there was nothing to keep her from going back to her lonely life. She straightened and opened the door. “Good, let’s get the hell out of here so I can go home.”

  “Tom and Caleb are on their way to bring me my truck,” he replied. “They should be out front in a few minutes.”

  “If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop by the hospital on the way to the ranch. I need to tell Poppy and Margaret goodbye before I leave.”

  “You’re leaving today?” He looked at her in surprise.

  She nodded. “As soon as I get my things at your place I’ll be on the road.”

  “That breakfast we had earlier left me hungry. Come to the café with me and eat a good lunch before you take off. I’ll tell you everything Tom told me when he called.”

  “Only on one condition,” she said. “That you don’t try to talk me into staying.”

  The smile he gave her was a weary one with a touch of disillusionment. “I gave it my best shot, Edie. The ball is in your court. I won’t try to talk you into anything.”

  An hour later they were seated at a table in the
café. She’d said her painful goodbyes to Poppy and Margaret and in her mind she was halfway out of town already. She’d only agreed to this meal because she had a long drive ahead of her and had to eat something before taking off. Besides, she was curious about the crime that had kept her in town, the man who had beaten Poppy and terrorized her.

  “According to what Tom told me, Jeffrey decided to dabble in a little chemistry and see if he could come up with a way to better preserve flesh,” Benjamin said after they’d placed their orders with the waitress.

  “Apparently he was hoping to come up with some kind of cream that would work on human flesh, a beauty product that would take the world by storm.”

  “And so he stole body parts from the cemetery?” she asked.

  Benjamin nodded. “That’s what he confessed to. From what Tom said, Jeffrey believed that somehow he’d created a radioactive reaction in his experiments, hence the hazmat suit to dispose of the botched batch.”

  “So, why did he go after me and Poppy? He had to know that we couldn’t identify him.”

  “Interestingly enough, Tom said those two things were what he was most reluctant to admit to. When he did, it was just like we suspected, sheer anger that drove him to attack the two of you. If he’d been successful in his experiments he would have eventually become a very wealthy man. Beauty is a big business these days and he thought he was going to discover a fountain of youth, something that would keep skin from aging.”

  Edie fought back a shiver as she remembered hiding in the closet while Jeffrey had banged on the door and threatened her.

  “You okay?” he asked as if he sensed the fear that suddenly crawled up her back.

  “I’m fine, just glad this is all over and I can go back home without looking over my shoulder.”

  At that moment their orders arrived. Their meal was interrupted several times by people stopping by their table to ask about Walt or talk about Jeffrey’s arrest.

  Benjamin introduced her to Larry Norwood, the town vet, and to Hugh Randolf, who owned the feed store. She met Karen Patterson, who worked at the bank, and Lisa Rogers, who was a beautician.