Fall From Grace

by Michelle Gross

  “Yes, I fed the dog and loosened his collar because it was too tight. He got out before I finished closing the gate.”

  “Noah,” I whispered, but he ignored me. Why was he taking the blame? The worst part was over, he didn’t have to go that far.

  John didn’t look like he believed him anyway though. “Mm-hmm,” he said through another cloud of smoke. Then he threw the cigarette on the blacktop and ruffled up Noah’s hair. “Well, well,” John said through a yellow smile.

  “Stop it.” Noah pushed him away.

  “So, you have something you want to protect, do ya?” John asked him. Noah looked to me then immediately turned back to his dad with a hint of red across his cheeks.

  “Just leave me alone,” Noah huffed. I stood there quietly, observing their interactions. I was glad that Noah’s dad had come outside and diffused the situation, but most of all, this weird feeling warmed my chest at the thought of Noah protecting me when he could have done otherwise.

  A few months later, Bruce died and that fear of his owner only turned to hatred. Maybe I should have left him to be a stray. Maybe he would have still been alive.

  6

  Grace age 10

  Noah age 11

  It’s the little things I notice about Grace. Like the way she blushes when you say the word kiss. I know she’s thinking of the video I showed her every time someone brings up the things she’s so desperate to forget.

  I want to grow up already.

  I need to be a bigger man than Dad so I can stop the hurt Mom does to herself. She thinks it feels good to fade away, but from the outside, I see that her addiction is slowly stealing everything from her.

  I’m tired of shaking her body, wondering if I need to call the ambulance and hide while they come get her so they don’t know a kid lives here. I’m tired of being sick with fear that I’m going to lose someone that’s not even present in her own mind most of the time, let alone in my life.

  I can’t give up on her. Not even Dad, who’s more present than she is, which is what makes it worse. He lets her go into the darkness, then follows her soon after. I wish I was an adult already. There are too many things that I need to be but can’t as a kid.

  N.P.

  Entering fifth grade was like stepping into a new world. Things began to shift in girls and boys. Girls were picking boys they liked and calling them “mine” or their “crush”, and boys were doing the same—of course, there were some that had always done this since the first grade but now it was openly discussed. Friends were running and confessing to their other friends. It could be very confusing. It’s amazing how fast someone could have a new crush every week in a repeated cycle.

  I didn’t mind it though. Just one little part of this new world irked me. Girls were noticing Noah in a way that I had from the very beginning. Noah was still a jerk, as always, at school, but now girls seemed to crush on him even more because of it. He started playing football last year for the school. During football, Dustin’s parents always dropped Noah off from practice every day and after ballgames or he rode the bus for away games. I was bored a lot because of it so I had no choice… I signed up for cheerleading this year. My friends, Tiffany and Sara were already on the team, and they were so happy that I finally joined them. Although, they were a little suspicious as to why I suddenly wanted to join this year.

  “It’s because of Noah, isn’t it?” Sara smiled, nudging my shoulder with a goofy grin. “It’s okay, we all have a crush on him so don’t be shy.”

  “You have the best chance at being with him since you live next to him,” Tiffany added. “He’s so cute.” Tiffany started wearing lip gloss. It made me want to do the same.

  “Why are you guys crushing on him?” I mumbled. “I thought you hated him?”

  They both laughed. “How can you hate him now? Look at him,” Tiffany said, pointing her head toward the boys in the back of the room. Noah was one of them. He never wore the best clothes but for some reason, he just stood out from the rest. His blond hair was shaggier now and his blue eyes still shined bright. I placed my hand on my chest and looked back to them. “I’d kiss him!” Tiffany said a little too loudly while covering her face.

  My face felt red. I must have been feeling the embarrassment for her. “Kiss?” I whispered. “Why do y’all keep bringing that stuff up all the time now? Cooties, remember?” In my mind, I was thinking back to the video Noah showed me. Kissing led to…

  “Oh, come on, Grace,” Sara pushed my shoulder playfully and they were both laughing. “Don’t pretend you wouldn’t kiss Noah.”

  My cheeks reddened. “I wouldn’t!” I told them.

  The whole class heard us because Dustin laughed in the back of the room and said, “Hear that, Noah, Grace says she doesn’t want to kiss you.”

  “Read. Not talk,” Mrs. Fleming, our teacher told the class.

  Oh, my gosh. I was so embarrassed.

  I dared to peek over my shoulder at them. Noah had his chin resting in his palm as he leaned over his desk staring my way. “Grace is afraid of stuff like kissing,” he said with an evil smirk.

  The whole class laughed. I turned back around in my seat.

  “Okay,” Mrs. Fleming stood up, “since you guys want to keep talking, I guess we’ll read together.” This time everyone groaned.

  “Your face is so red,” Sara told me, almost like she pitied me.

  Mom stayed at school planning and grading papers the evenings I had cheer practice, like today. We always practiced in the gym. Even though I didn’t get to spend time with Noah during practices, I knew I would get to cheer at all his games.

  He was a pain at school but he was still the most fun to be with, and that made him my important person. Besides, I knew I was the only girl that he cared anything for. I didn’t want to kiss him or anything like the other girls, but I didn’t want him kissing anybody else either.

  After practice, I hurried to Mom’s classroom at the “middle school” part of the school. We’d get her as a teacher next year. She was closing her door when I rounded the last corner. “I was heading your way,” she told me with a smile. “You ready?”

  I nodded, grabbing my hands and squeezing them. “Let’s go see if Noah’s practice is over with. We can give him a ride so Dustin’s mom doesn’t have to.” I walked by her side down the hall. “Now that I’m on the cheer team, we can just wait on him the days we have practice on the same days.”

  She gave me a weird smile. “Oh,” Mom dragged the word out with a laugh. “Now it makes total sense.”

  “What?” I looked up at her, still fidgeting with my fingers.

  “You wanted to cheer so you can cheer for Noah?” Mom bent down and smiled all goofy in my face.

  I smiled and pushed her away by her shoulder. “Mom, stop, no. Not exactly… just got boring last year with him gone all the time because of his sports.”

  She nodded. “Come on, let’s go see if he’s still outside.”

  He was. They were walking off the field as we walked through the parking lot. Dustin saw us first and tapped Noah’s shoulder. The thought of Dustin running his mouth to everyone made me a little nervous.

  Noah raked his hand through his sweaty hair self-consciously before holding it up to tell Dustin to give him a minute. Dustin nodded but watched us the entire time.

  He messed with his hair again once he stopped in front of us. Mom looked at me like she expected me to ask him but for some reason, I couldn’t stop thinking about the classroom incident earlier. He looked at me. “Hey, y’all looking for me?” He shook his head quickly. “Did I do something wrong…”

  Mom laughed. “Noah, stop worrying.” He finally smiled and relaxed. “We came to see if you wanted to ride home with us, right Grace?” He looked at me again and I smiled.

  “Yeah, I just got out of practice too,” I told him.

  He messed with his hair again while looking down. “Yeah, let me go tell Dustin.” He took off running. He grabbed his backpack on the bench
after telling him, it felt like he was getting the stink-eye from Dustin as he made his way back over to us.

  I normally sat in the front seat with Mom on the way home, but I hopped in the back with Noah instead. I caught Mom’s eyes in the rearview mirror, and she was grinning again. I ignored her, though. Noah and I were always together. Why was she acting like things were different?

  Noah pulled a water from his backpack and drank half of it. “Do you want a drink?” he offered.

  I wasn’t thirsty but I was happy that he offered so I said, “Yeah,” and he handed me the drink. Once I handed it back, he immediately took another drink. His lips lingered for a while before he covered his mouth with his hand. His cheeks looked a little red, and there was something sheepish about his smile as he looked ahead.

  “What are you up to Noah?” I asked right away.

  He shrugged his shoulders.

  He chose not to answer me until we were walking side by side inside the house. He made sure Mom was several feet away before leaning over and whispering into my ear, “You said you didn’t want to kiss me, Priss, but you just gave me an indirect one.”

  He tapped his empty water bottled and laughed. He went on ahead of me.

  My cheeks were hot. Noah made me feel funny that day.

  I guess it wasn’t funny… more like a small burst of warmth spread through me.

  Was Noah changing, or was I?

  7

  Grace age 11

  Noah age 12

  Grace’s body is changing. I’m always with her, I always notice. She’s tall but I’m taller now. It shouldn’t make me happy but it does. I’m the only guy that’s lucky enough to be close to her. I’m not afraid to hint around that no one’s to mess with her to the other boys in our class. It doesn’t mean that they’ll listen.

  I wouldn’t listen if I were in their shoes either.

  But my relationship with Grace, no one will ever compare.

  I’m only a boy, but I know already with every new moment I spend with Grace, she’s my future. I just have to be someone that can take care of her. I’m my father’s son, instead of teaching me how to be a man, he’s taught me every way not to be.

  I can’t give her wings, but I’ll make her heart soar, the moment she lets me.

  I’m still waiting… to grow up.

  N.P.

  Everyone was talking about “it”. The “it” I was referring to was the things that went on in the video I could never forget.

  Sex.

  Most of the girls in our grade were starting to get boobs, me included. I hadn’t started my period yet but Sara had already. It was getting awkward to be around Noah when we were alone anymore. All I could think about was the things everyone whispered about at school.

  Why was everyone so curious about something like that?

  Noah was at a weird stage himself. I kept remembering how we used to be the same height. Now, his inches were leaving mine behind. He often slipped into my room at night to shower and sleep on my floor the nights his parents held parties. He was becoming increasingly more self-conscious about the way he looked and smelled. I often teased him the same way he did me, but sometimes I remembered the moments he made me feel strange and I was at a loss for words.

  I still didn’t want to kiss Noah.

  I didn’t—

  I didn’t want him to say yes to any of the girls that asked him out either.

  Luckily, he always said no.

  _____

  “Here,” Dustin muttered, slapping a folded piece of paper on my desk. I jumped, and some giggled as he walked off. Sara whispered my name from across the room but I ignored her.

  “All right, settle down you guys,” Mom told the class. A lot of the boys had a crush on her. It made me even more proud of her. I haven’t met a person that didn’t like my mom.

  As she wrote on the chalkboard, I opened the paper.

  Will you be my girlfriend?

  Yes or No

  Dustin liked me? That seemed impossible with how much he picked on me. I grabbed my pen and circled no, and gave it to him when the class was over. I hurried away because I didn’t want to see his face when he saw that I turned him down.

  After lunch, everyone was talking about Dustin and me, saying we were a couple. I looked for him at recess because Tiffany and Sara said he was the one going around telling everyone I said yes.

  He stood next to Noah and some other boys from class, leaning against the snack machine. He smirked when he saw me approaching. “There she is. Come to hold my hand?” he asked, and everyone laughed but Noah.

  “Why are you telling people I’m your girlfriend?”

  He tossed the paper in the air, I barely caught it in time. It was the same question, but the yes was circled instead of the no. “You said yes,” he lied.

  “No, I didn’t,” I crumbled the paper up in my hand. “You obviously changed my answer. Why are you such a jerk, Dustin? Who would date someone so mean?”

  Noah smiled then Mark jumped in and said, “So that’s how it is…”

  “It’s okay, I know you’re embarrassed about it,” Dustin went on, clearly not wanting to give up his lie.

  “Enough, Dustin,” Noah finally said before casting a somewhat devious look my way. “You know, Grace doesn’t like boys and things like kissing…”

  Dustin rolled his eyes. “Give her a few years, I can change her mind.”

  Noah looked unimpressed. “She said no, so leave it.”

  “I knew you’d be this way,” Dustin hissed then laughed. “You always make sure to drop hints so that none of us will crush on Grace. She’s not your girlfriend. Stop acting like you’re any different than us just because you live close to her.”

  I threw the paper in his face and he turned to me surprised. “Noah’s clearly different than the rest of you!” I screamed then looked at my surroundings. Everyone heard me. “He doesn’t worry about those kinds of things like the rest of you idiots!”

  I stormed off but not without seeing the expression on Noah’s face and Dustin’s words, “If that’s what you think…”

  _____

  We didn’t really get to go on adventures anymore. My favorite time of the year used to be the warm months so that he could take me hiking in the mountains where we’d let our imaginations run wild. Now we didn’t do that either.

  Noah played basketball and football while I cheered, which took up some of our time. When we weren’t at ball games or practice, we were in the treehouse sitting next to each other reading silently, or in the house where we fought over our favorite characters in TV shows, and played video games.

  Sara and Tiffany always wanted to spend the night, but I wasn’t ready to share Noah with them. They knew he came over sometimes, they just didn’t know that our lives were constant with one another’s. That’s something I knew I’d never grow out of.

  He didn’t come over after practice today, though, and I wondered if maybe it had something to do with my outburst at break. Tiffany said everyone had been talking about it, but when she said, “You shouldn’t put Noah on a pedestal, he’s still a guy and his thoughts are most likely no different than the others,” I chose not to say a word.

  Truthfully, I knew more than anyone how much Noah was like the others. He thought like the others or he wouldn’t have shown me that tape… And little things he’d do, like share his drink with me or touch my hair like it held a hypnotic hold on him sometimes, or just the way I’d catch him staring at my legs and chest that was growing.

  I wished I could keep pretending I knew nothing. Even lately, I wished Noah wasn’t my favorite person in the entire world. I didn’t feel like myself sometimes. Someone new was taking the place of the old me. I was afraid of her. Afraid of what I’d continue to feel around Noah.

  I couldn’t stop tossing and turning that night. If Noah would have come over today, I knew I would have been fine but he didn’t, so I was left thinking of him.

  He was filling every part of me. So
on, I wondered if I would be able to think a thought without it being of him.

  But, for me, it was always about Noah, whether I was six or eleven.

  With the light off, I got out of bed and ventured to the window, and there my heart raced with both fear and excitement. The glow of a lantern drifted through the window of the treehouse. Why didn’t he come inside to sleep if his parents were keeping him up? He was avoiding me after today. With the press of my toes burying themselves into the carpet, I just knew with everything in me, he had to be.

  Like I knew Noah, he knew me. He should know that I didn’t like to be pushed away, especially when it came to him.

  My parents weren’t asleep yet, I heard their hushed voices talking with the TV on. I was careful as I tiptoed out the door and into the damp September night. I ran once I was outside, only taking a few seconds to make my way up the rope. He turned off the lantern once my knees were up. “Noah,” I groaned.

  “Afraid of the dark, Priss?” His voice was raspy, it had a gruffer tone to it lately. My stomach swam with butterflies.

  “Turn it back on,” I sighed, afraid to move it was so dark. I heard him shuffle around before he flicked a lighter and relit the lantern. “Why didn’t you come inside and sleep?” The lantern played shadows on his face. He didn’t answer. “Why didn’t you come over today?”

  “Do I have to come over every day?” he asked, lying down and placing his hands behind his head. I crawled over and did the same next to him.

  “Yes, that’s what we do, Noah,” I whispered. The only days we weren’t together was when my family went on vacations every year.

  “We’re getting older, Grace,” he sighed, staring at the ceiling as I made shadows with my hands. He tilted his head and I did the same. His expression made it seem like he was hurting somewhere. “Why did you lie today?”

  When I went to raise up, his hand shot out to stop me. My skin heated. “Because you promised,” I barely managed to mumble.

  He leaned closer. “I remember, but Grace… I’ll grow up. One day, you’re gonna look at me and you’re gonna see what I’ve always seen.”