Blossoms of The Heart

by Khardine Gray

  She smiled.

  “Can I think about the staying part?”

  “So you don’t want to think about the me part?”

  “That part is easy. I would say yes.”

  “Then fuck the rest of the idea and say yes.” I chuckled.

  She laughed at that. “Would you come to Chicago if I asked you to?”

  “Princess, consider my ticket booked. Want me to go to Chicago?” I would do it in a heartbeat.

  “Really?”

  “Phoebe you know I would. Okay, so I am including that I know how much you love Japan.”

  “I do love it here.”

  “Then… think harder about it. You know I may be an ass sometimes and people don’t think I value anything, like good advice. My dad taught me a lot. But there was one of thing he told me that always stuck out in my mind.’”

  “What’s that?”

  “Always make sure your woman knows she comes first.”

  She gave me a sweet smile. “That’s beautiful.”

  “It is. I guess that’s one thing I’ll take from him to pass on to my kids.”

  She pressed her lips together and something shifted in her expression.

  “Kids,” she said.

  “I know imagine me with kids, my own rebels who will probably be worse than me to teach me a lesson and serve me right for all the stress I put my parents through.”

  Even though she laughed something was off about the way she looked. Almost like I’d said something wrong.

  Maybe it was talk of kids.

  God of course it was. What was wrong with me?

  We’d only been together for nearly seven weeks and here I was talking about kids.

  “I was talking about kids in a hypothetical sense.” I added.

  “Tai, it’s okay to want kids. People do.”

  “You looked freaked out Phoebe.”

  She took a sip of her wine.

  “No. I’m fine. I am.” She gave me that sweet smile again. “You’d make a great father.” She nodded with conviction.

  “You think so?”

  “As long as you stop with the yōkai jokes.”

  “They aren’t jokes baby. But don’t be scared. I’ll protect you.” I reached across the table and took her hands. “You are mine.” I smiled.

  “And you are mine.” She replied but there was a sadness in her eyes that I couldn’t understand.

  Chapter 27

  Phoebe

  I didn’t know how I managed to keep my emotions under control after our dinner.

  I pretended like everything was fine. Like I was fine even though inside I was screaming. I was dying from shame because of the pretense I had to front to the man I dearly loved.

  Love. Oh wow, I didn’t realize just how much I loved Tai until the moment when the bubble I’d floated in popped and landed me on my ass.

  Landed me right on the floor ass down, and gave me a rude awakening.

  Those kids Tai talked about weren’t going to be with me.

  So in those few moments when I listened to him talk so casually about the wisdom he was going to pass on to his kids I knew that that was a life I wouldn’t be part of.

  We got back to Tokyo on Sunday night. I would have gone back to Tai’s place but I needed to be alone. so I lied and told him I had cramps.

  The caring man that he was still wanted me to go home with him so he could take care of me, feed me chocolate and give me a foot massage. That was what he said, and while I would have loved to accept I couldn’t.

  The pretense that I was fine was killing me and anymore would make my head implode.

  I insisted on coming back to Akito’s.

  The minute I got to my room I broke down. I threw myself onto my bed and broke down.

  Crying from the depths of my soul in a way that I didn’t know if I could bring myself back.

  The door opened and I lifted my head. I hadn’t meant to attract any attention. It was late and the last thing I wanted to do was wake Akito up.

  I didn’t want to talk either.

  “Phoebe.” It was Mitsuke.

  She walked in dressed in pajamas.

  “You’re here.” God must have known I would need her because she was a welcomed sight.

  “There’s a rat in my apartment. I’ve been here since yesterday. Are you crying?” She gasped when she came closer and saw me. “God what happened?”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.” It was great to see her but I couldn’t talk.

  “Why?”

  “Because everything is shit.” More tears came.

  “What happened?”

  “No matter what I do, everything will just be a mess.” I pulled in a deep breath, then took some shallow breaths.

  “Did Tai do something?”

  I shook my head. “It’s me.”

  “Phoebe talk to me.”

  She sat next to me on the bed and I straightened up.

  I started by telling her what happened then suddenly I found myself telling her about what happened when I was eighteen.

  When mom found me with Tai and crushed my heart.

  Her expression when I was done was nothing but concern and sadness for me.

  “Phoebe I can’t believe you never told me all of that. I always wondered if something ever happened between you and Tai. It made sense that it would. He always adored you.”

  “Mitsuke I never had him back then and he’s not mine now. Mom told him to stay away from me, and I never came back to Japan to see what could have happened between us. Now that I’m here I see what we would have been and he’s still not mine.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “He want’s kids Mitsuke. You should have seen the way that he looked at me. It was with hope that we’d be more.” I’d be a fool not to realize that. he’d asked me to stay in Japan and said he’d go to Chicago if it was me who was asking. The man’s serious about me.

  “It’s perfectly obvious what you need to do.”

  I was shaking my head before she could say it.

  “You need to talk to him. Have an honest conversation with him. Phoebe. This is Tai we’re talking about. You know how he feels about you.”

  I covered my mouth as fresh tears came.

  I was scared, so fucking scared.

  I didn’t want to feel rejected.

  I didn’t want to feel damaged.

  I wasn’t damaged.

  I could still love with my heart and soul, I could still be everything I could be.

  The emotional damage Jason put me through pained me to my soul.

  But Tai…

  If he had to tell me that he couldn’t be with me because he wanted his own children it would kill me.

  “I can’t. I can’t do it Mitsuke. I just can’t.”

  She pulled me into her arms as the tears came again.

  Don’t get too close.

  That was the solution.

  That was what I came up with.

  It was the worst idea ever, I knew that. Completely knew that, but that was my solution.

  I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to let Tai go, so I had to suffer the consequences and ride out what not getting close would do to us.

  I figured though it was the better option of the two evils. Better I allow things to frazzle out and allow him to think that it wouldn’t have worked out long term between us than to tell him I couldn’t have kids and he reject me.

  That way we could enjoy what we could of each other.

  Sleep never came because my mind was working over time trying to piece together how I could pull it all off.

  I went into work early the next morning, planning to tackle the journal.

  It was about time that I finished it.

  Although I’d never actually come across anything like it before, I’d never taken such a long time to complete a project.

  Of course I knew that I was severely distracted by being with Tai, but it was bordering on embarrassing now.

&nb
sp; Akito probably wouldn’t say anything to me either because that was just how he was. Good natured and trusting. He wouldn’t want to cause any disrupt to the positive environment we had here and he trusted me to be professional and do the job he hired me to do.

  I’d been in Japan for close to three months now. God it was a few days shy of three months. Wednesday would be three months and so much had happened.

  It was the first week in July. Obon this year would be on August thirteenth. I had a month and a few days to finish my translation if I wanted my translated version of the journal to be part of the exhibition.

  People from the institute back home were excited and eager to see what I’d come up with and it would be great to get it done.

  If I could it would at least give me some sense of accomplishment.

  Work. As always was the only thing that I had in my power to control. The only fail safe and refuge I had when life threw me all its crap.

  It was six AM when I arrived at the center.

  There was a small light on in the office but no one was around. I went up to my work station and took the journal out of the little safe I’d kept it in.

  My notebook with what I’d translated so far was already on the desk.

  There were over a hundred pages left to go. A hundred pages of where things went strange and made no sense.

  Footsteps sounded when I sat down and I lifted my head to see Tai coming through the door. He was holding a stack of papers that looked like reports.

  His face brightened when he saw me.

  My stomach clenched. I wasn’t expecting him to be here at this hour.

  This would be the start of my not getting closer tactic and I wasn’t ready.

  “Well, my day just got a fuck of a lot better.” He beamed.

  “Hi, mine too.” A lump formed in my throat as he made his way over to me.

  He set the papers on my desk and bent down to kiss me.

  The kiss was one I wanted to relish and wrap myself in forever.

  “Baby, what are you doing here at this time?”

  “Worried about the journal.”

  “But you’re sick. You should be in bed still, at least for another two hours.”

  “I would rather be here figuring this out. I don’t want Akito to have to tell me off for not doing anything.”

  “Like that would ever happen.” He smirked.

  “I don’t want to give him a reason. I know he wants the translation to be part of the exhibition.” This was good. Right now, talking business was good,.

  Tai sighed and straightened up. It was hard to look at him and not find myself mentally drooling.

  His handsome face, all angles and planes loomed before me like a dream. He narrowed his eyes, thinking.

  “I don’t know shit when it comes to the work you guys do, but I was a lieutenant in the Marines. The Samurai was a soldier right, maybe I could help in some way. Even to bounce ideas off me. Plus I have the added bonus of going on all these adventures with Akito. I’m sure I could bring something to the table.”

  It was so sweet of him to want to help. To want to help me.

  I couldn’t help the feeling of warmth that rush over me.

  “Thanks that means a lot.”

  “Don’t thank me yet. But if I do help I can tell you how to thank me later.” He winked. “I can tell you now that I would like my thank you to include you in wearing that yellow set with the lace. Hair down and that glossy pink stuff on your lips now.”

  He pointed at my mouth.

  I laughed. I didn’t know how I managed to despite the turmoil that brewed within me but it came from a place that was me.

  “Okay, noted.” I pulled in a breath unsure of how I was going to do this. How could I not be close to him. Closer.

  And closer for us was happening by the hour, the minute, the second.

  “Good. show me this thing you are stuck on.”

  I held out the journal and showed him.

  “This part I’ve done so far. It just talks about our samurai’s daily life from when he became a samurai and joined the army. There’s nothing wrong with this. But things change here.” I opened up the journal mid-way and handed it to Tai.

  “Shit, Phoebe, I don’t know what the hell that says. Three different languages on the same page?” He brought his hand up to his chin and shook his head.

  “This is exactly my worry and the reason why I’m stuck.”

  “Read what it says to me?”

  I took it back and started. “I beckoned the moon to give me light. It laughed and refused to shine. I couldn’t even question why. A hundred men had died tonight.”

  “Poetry?” Tai asked when I took a break.

  “Yes, but it’s weird. On the previous page he’s talking about going to the field with the general for training. But then look.” I showed him the Arabic symbol for the words start here. Then the reformed Egyptian symbol for the words the trusted box, and explained what it meant.

  “So that last bit reads A hundred men had died tonight start here the trusted box?”

  “Yes.” I sulked, slumping my shoulders.

  He thought for a moment and scratched his chin. “It’s like that on the whole page.” He observed looking at the journal

  I read on. Maybe it would make sense to him at some point. “Oh that the blossoms would give me life. They used to when I was a boy, when the sun would shine and smile on me and my family. Several moons have passed since.” When I finished, I pointed at the Arabic symbol for the words this will guide, and the Egyptian symbol for the words is with me. Again, I explained this to him.

  Tai thought again and stood up. He gazed out the window for a few seconds and then looked back to me. His gaze met mine and I wondered what he was thinking.

  Suddenly he reached for the notepad on the desk and a pen.

  “What did the first Arabic characters say?”

  “Start here,” I replied.

  “And the next?”

  “This will guide you.”

  He wrote that down as a full sentence.

  “What do the Egyptian characters say? Give me the whole thing.”

  “The trusted box is with me.” At first I said it, simply just telling him what it said. Then I realized what I said just made sense as a sentence. “The trusted box is with me,” I repeated and he looked at me, nodding as he wrote.

  I looked at what he wrote, putting all the words together. Start here, this will guide you. The trusted box is with me.

  “Phoebe, that’s a message. Code like something people used in World War II. You know, something like where you take the first letter of the first word in every sentence and that would give a hidden message.”

  I gasped and clutched my chest. How had I not seen this myself? It couldn’t have been that easy.

  I looked at Tai in complete surprise.

  “Tai, I can’t believe it took you less than five minutes to figure it out.” I laughed, shaking my head.

  “Well, what can I say. I’m super talented. He smirked with a smug expression.

  “I’m going to have to agree with you.” I continued to laugh.

  He shook his head at me. “No, baby, I’m messing around. You read a book that no one in this center, or practically this hemisphere, could read. I just gave you an idea. It could still tell you to kiss a cow.”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “Thank you.”

  “It’s all good.”

  “I can’t believe it’s a code. Why would he use this? And who would figure out that it was a code?”

  “From my experience, some secret factions in the army learned one or two different languages that they shared only amongst themselves to protect their missions.” He smiled at the interest I showed as he spoke.

  “That does make sense, and I guess our guy wrote it that way so only his people could read and understand what he was saying.” Maybe that was their agreement. I wondered what happened and what their mission was about. I really loved this p
art of my job. Discovering new, exciting things.

  “Phoebe forget that. The question is, what is the trusted box and is it in the cave?” His brown eyes sparkled with delight and my heart expanded with excitement. “We have to go back.”

  “I should be able to finish this translation today or tomorrow if everything runs smoothly.”

  “Promise me you won’t work too hard.”

  “I promise.” I smiled.

  “Come here.” He motioned me over. I moved closer and he held me. “Are you okay Phoebe.”

  “I’m okay. Tired maybe.” I hated lying to him.

  I pressed my hands against the hard walls of his chest while he seemed to search my eyes.

  “How long have I known you?”

  “Forever,” I replied, because it really did seem that long.

  I met Tai when I was three. Like the majority of people, I have no memories from that time, but I remembered his face.

  He pulled me closer and pressing his head to mine.

  “You know you can talk to me about anything right?”

  “Yes.” Another lie.

  I breathed in and relished the woodland scent of his aftershave and the fresh spring scent of him. It was a smell I could get used to. This was a feeling I could get used to. Being with a man that wanted me.

  But I couldn’t…

  It wouldn’t be right.

  Not for him…

  Chapter 28

  Tai

  Finding the hidden message in the journal was the kind of story I’d grown up on as a kid.

  The fact that it was real was, unreal.

  It awakened the boy in me who used to look forward to going on adventures with his uncle.

  The Arabic characters when joined together gave directions, and the Egyptian characters spoke of the box the samurai hid in the cave.

  Yes, hid.

  The box was in the cave and we were yet to find it.

  The directions, like a treasure map, would led to this supposed box.

  Phoebe managed to translate the rest of the journal in two days and the discovery took us straight back to the cave on Thursday.

  It was exciting, definitely exciting and everyone was thrilled by it.

  I just wished that I could have joined in too, but I could not.