He kissed my forehead. “I feel the same way.”
“Then let’s just forge ahead into unknown waters. Though it’s probably best to still keep it a secret for now.”
“Okay, for now,” he said, pulling me closer to him. He turned off the lights. “Let’s get some rest now, we can talk more about it in the morning.”
We didn’t end up talking about it in the morning. Instead we got up and showered and while he was getting dressed I went on a hunt around the apartment for my clothes.
“Ready?” Devin asked, coming out of the bedroom. I had just finished buttoning my shirt.
“Yes.” I smiled. “I should have remembered a change of clothes.”
“We’ll have to remember that for next time,” he said, grabbing his wallet and keys.
I made a grab for my purse. “Next time?”
“After last night, there will definitely be a next time. Anyway, we wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret for long if we were at your house, the walls are too thin.”
“We’re really that loud?”
“I don’t want to be limited in the noise we make. Besides, I love the way you call out my name.”
I smiled and shook my head as we made our way downstairs and out the door of his apartment complex.
“Meet you over at the house?” I asked as he walked me to my car.
“Yes, I’ll pick something up for us on the way.” He leaned down to kiss me. “I’ll never get tired of that.”
I smiled as I watched him walk away. I climbed in my car and drove back to the house, thinking about Devin. He was perfect, the only problem was we weren’t really a couple. We were a couple in disguise. A couple that wasn’t really a couple. The more I thought about it, the more I realized we were more like friends with benefits. I gave him what he wanted, and he gave me only part of what I wanted. I wanted all of him, not just his body, I wanted his heart. I wanted his love.
I loved him, that wasn’t going to change. I only hoped the longer we stayed together, the more Devin would begin to really see me. See me as someone other than his best friend’s sister, more than his friend or a bit on the side. I hoped he would see me as someone he loved.
Chapter Eleven
So after Devin arrived, I got a text from Mitch saying they were on their way. Devin went up to the guest room and began to pack his things and strip the bed. He took both his sheets and mine to the laundry while I was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen and living room. I straightened the blanket on the couch we had used when we watched TV Wednesday night.
It was about one o’clock when I heard their car pull up.
“Devin, they’re here!” I yelled upstairs. He had just finished putting clean sheets and blankets back on the bed. “You think they will know?” I asked as he came down the stairs.
“Only if you keep holding my hand like that.” He smiled.
I immediately pulled my hand away, not even realizing I had made a grab for it.
Devin chuckled and kissed my cheek quickly. “Don’t worry. I’m sure they will be too absorbed in their trip and themselves to even notice.”
I nodded my head, agreeing with him and went to open the door as Mitchell and Megan walked up. “Hey!” I said, smiling at their return. Although it had been nice to be on my own, I was glad to see them.
“Christy!” Megan smiled and set her bags down and hugged me. “We have some pretty surprising news.”
“Is Emily here yet?” Mitch asked.
I shook my head. “No, I figure she’ll probably come back later tonight. What’s the news?” I looked over to Devin and he shrugged his shoulders.
“Should we just tell her?” Megan asked. “She’s bound to figure it out.”
“Just tell me. I’m really curious now.”
Megan looked at Mitch, and he shrugged his shoulders like Devin had just done. Together they looked at me and Megan held up her left hand. The giant rock Mitch had bought for her rested on her finger. My mouth opened, and I said nothing.
“Are you okay with this?” Megan asked nervously.
I looked up at the two of them. “Of course. I’ve been waiting for this to happen for months now. When did you get engaged?”
“April first,” Megan said. “I asked him if he was joking because it was April Fool’s Day, but he wasn’t.”
I looked over to Devin and mouthed, “I won.”
He just smiled and nodded his head.
“But there’s more,” Mitchell said.
“More?” I asked.
Mitchell cleared his throat. “We’re…we’re actually married.”
My mouth dropped. “Shut up! You’re not married.”
“Yeah, we kind of are,” Mitch said. “I’m sorry to spring this on you, but we were just walking through the hotel and saw a sign for a wedding and thought it was the perfect time. We had waited so long.”
I looked to Megan, who was biting her lip. I smiled and stepped forward to hug her. “I wish I could have been there, but I’m happy for you. For you both,” I said, hugging Mitchell as well.
“Thanks, Chris, it means a lot to hear you say that,” Megan said, sounding relieved.
“I’ve always been supportive of you,” I said. I looked at Devin. “Have I ever given the impression that I didn’t want to see them together?”
“I’m staying out of this,” Devin said, holding up his hands.
“I was just afraid you would be mad that we went ahead and did it without letting you know. I know you’ve always been happy for us, that’s what made me worried. I didn’t want you to feel left out or anything,” Mitchell explained.
I shrugged my shoulders. “I truly am happy for you. If I eloped, I would hope you would be happy for me too,” I said. “So when are you moving in?” I asked Megan.
“We were hoping to get my stuff from the apartment right now. Could you help us?”
“Sorry, no can do. I have a doctor's appointment in a few minutes. But I’m sure Devin’s free,” I said, turning to look at him.
“Sure, I can help,” he said, stepping forward. “Congratulations, again.” He clamped Mitchell on the back and hugged Megan.
“Okay I’m going to head out, then,” I told them.
“Oh, Christy, before I forget,” Mitchell said. “You’re free tomorrow night, right?”
“If it’s for my birthday dinner, than yes, I’m available,” I said and Mitch looked as though I wasn’t supposed to remember our traditional birthday dinners. “It’s not like we don’t have them every year, Mitch. It’s not a surprise anymore. But thanks for thinking of me. Though, now that you are married, when will you have your honeymoon?”
“We were thinking of going sometime in June or July when the office gets some interns. It’ll be easier to take more time off then.”
I nodded and hugged Megan again. “I really am happy for you. It’s about time, really.”
She smiled and waved goodbye as I walked out to my car.
I arrived at Dr. Stone’s office and waited until I was called inside.
“Christy, did you manage to complete the assignment I gave you?” he asked as I sat down.
I shook my head. “I’ve had a lot of things on my plate recently.”
“Do you want to talk about what’s been going on? You seem a little out of sorts. Something happen recently?”
“Well, Mitch and Megan just came home. They got married in Vegas. Not a huge surprise, considering it’s probably the number one place for spur of the moment weddings.”
“And it bothers you that they got married?”
“No, of course not. I’m thrilled for them.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I thought for a moment. “Can I ask you another hypothetical question?”
Dr. Stone pursed his lips in that intellectual doctor way I'd gotten used to, probably knowing what I was about to ask was an actual event taking place in my life. For once I didn’t care that he knew the truth. “You may ask me anything you like.
”
“Then what if my problem was that I wanted to get married myself. Something that would never happen, I am just wondering what your thoughts are on the matter,” I fibbed.
“Well, I would ask what has brought about this change in you. Just the other week you were hiding behind your brother’s relationship, admitting you were scared to take the leap. What happened between then and now?”
“I’m not saying it happened, but what if I stepped away from their shadow and actually made the leap. I fell, I mean, what if I fell, and now I don’t know what to do?”
“Did this hypothetical person leap with you?”
I shook my head. “What if hypothetically, we were just together for show, I mean we act like we’re together, but it’s not real.”
“I would say what you are doing is dangerous, Christy. You admit, hypothetically of course, that you’ve fallen, that you’ve taken the leap so to speak, but you are unsure of what this other person feels. I would say it’s time to ask him. It’s time to figure out what is really going on. You’ll only get hurt if you let this continue.”
I nodded my head, knowing he was right, but scared to even approach the subject with Devin. “What if I didn’t want to ruin what we have now?”
“What you have is nothing, Christy. You aren’t really together with De—with this hypothetical person, you are pretending to be a couple. What you have isn’t real—it’s time to face the truth and either stop while you can still get out without too much damage, or tell him the truth about how you feel.”
I thought about it and nodded. “I’m ready to talk about The Accident, I think.”
Dr. Stone looked surprised. I mean, I jumped from my “hypothetical” relationship to The Accident. “If you want to tell me about it, I’m willing to listen.”
I looked up at him. “I’m ready.”
He motioned for me to continue.
I felt that the only way I could move on from the past and press ahead to the future was to clear away the one roadblock keeping me rooted in the past. “Well, you know that Eric had the website.”
Dr. Stone nodded.
“He kept putting up new videos every week and every day more people would comment about it. Even at school, they would come up to me and make fun of my stupidity and my lack of romantic and sexual experience. It was torture for weeks, but somehow I managed to get through the days, though I would come home and cry in my bedroom for hours. I couldn’t stop what they were saying and for some reason none of my family even noticed the change in me. I barely ate anymore and I just remember feeling hopeless, wishing school could just be over. I wanted to move on from high school. I wanted to go to college and start over. I wanted to be someone different, somewhere different.
“Then I was at school and got the call from the principal to come to his office. There were a few police officers and I just remember thinking they were there because of Eric. But then I heard them say my parents were gone. I didn’t believe it at first, but they said my brother had gone to get my sister and it hit me. This overwhelming sense of fear and dread—I had just lost my parents. I just felt empty. I remember leaving school and grabbing the things out of my locker and just walking to my car.
“It was as I was walking to my car that Eric showed up, arm in arm with two girls from my volleyball team. He didn’t even say anything, it was the girls who commented on how good Eric was in bed. They were supposed to be my friends, my teammates, but there they were with Eric, stabbing me behind my back.
“I got home before anyone else and locked myself in my room. I didn’t eat for two days, and Mitch didn’t even notice. He was so consumed with Emily and the lawyers and funeral arrangements.
“I had no desire to do anything anymore. I was depressed, I knew that, but my thoughts were clouded and my chest was still gaping open. I had cried for two days and had eaten nothing. When I finally emerged from my room, no one was even in the house. I just felt alone and empty, like darkness was surrounding me and I couldn’t escape. I found myself in the bathroom on the floor and that’s when things get hazy. I know I was angry and smashed the mirror, and I even remember picking up the glass shard, but what I was thinking, I don’t know. I just slit my wrist and watched as the blood flowed out. I remember the second I did it, regretting it. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to kill myself. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to know I was still alive.
“I remember sobbing on the floor, unable to even pull a towel off the rack, too weak to do anything, and that’s when Devin came in. Blood was everywhere, and he acted quickly. He grabbed the towel and applied pressure as he kept saying I was going to be okay, that I wasn’t allowed to die. I just remember him carrying me out to the car and driving me to the hospital. He took care of everything, and he saved my life. I don’t know how I could ever repay him. I know what I did was stupid. I know what I did almost killed me, and the thought terrifies me.”
“Did you go to your parents’ funeral?”
“No, I was in the hospital. Mitch told everyone I was just severely dehydrated and that I cut myself when I smashed the mirror downstairs. Devin never left me once I was in the hospital. He stayed the entire time, making sure I was taken care of.” I looked down at my feet. “Dr. Stone, I know they aren’t coming back, I’m pretty sure I’m clear on the fact that they have left me.”
“They died, Christy, in an accident that took them prematurely away from you. It’s time you allow yourself to grieve for them. Maybe then you can face what comes at you head on. You can figure out how to deal with this hypothetical situation of yours. I want you to go and visit your parents’ graves, something I’m sure you haven’t ever done.”
I shook my head as I wiped the tears away from my eyes.
“Okay, then I want you to go do that right now. That is your only assignment. Take someone with you, if you must. I want you to face your past.”
I nodded and gathered my things. “Thanks, Dr. Stone. I guess I’m making progress, huh?”
“Yes, but I’m worried about what will happen with your hypothetical situation. Some advice before you go, the sooner you deal with it, the better things will be. You let it go on for too long, something will happen to puncture the bubble surrounding what you think is the perfect, ideal situation. It will come collapsing down if you don’t handle it soon. And don’t be afraid to face it, you’ve faced tougher things. You never know, it might actually work out.”
I sighed. “All right, I’ll see you on Wednesday.”
“Don’t forget the assignment,” Dr. Stone said as I left his office.
I got to my car and pulled out my phone.
Can you meet me at the cemetery?
Are you okay?
Something happen in your session with Dr. Stone?
I can be there in ten minutes.
—————————————
Sent from the iPhone of Devin Malone
You must be worried if you didn’t even take
the time to change your signature. I’m fine.
Just an assignment I have to do and
I prefer not to do it alone.
Okay, I’ll meet you there. Wait for me.
————————————
Sent from a worry wart
I waited as Devin had asked, and together we walked to my parents’ graves. “He said I had to come here and face the past.”
“Well, I’m here for you,” Devin said, wrapping his arm around me.
“I know. You’re always there for me, Dev.”
He kissed the top of my head, and I couldn’t help but think over what Dr. Stone had said. We were walking on thin ice and any moment it could break and we would collapse through.
And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to continue walking on it. I didn’t care about what would happen. I only cared for the present. In the present, we were happy, we were content and that’s all that mattered. My heart swelled with every touch, with every kiss and I
wasn’t ready to let it go. I wasn’t ready to let Devin go. I wanted to stay with him as long as I could.
We continued walking until we reached the two headstones engraved with my parents’ names. Overwhelming sadness welled up in me.
“I’m here, Chris,” Devin said.
My throat tightened, and I nodded. I just stared at the stones—this was all that was left of my parents. Two granite stones with their names and the dates they lived. I covered my mouth as I began to cry.
Devin held me tightly and I clung to him. I let him rub my back and whisper nothings in my ear before I finally pulled away, tears still streaming down my cheeks.
“I need a moment alone,” I told him. He nodded his head and walked away. He was a distance away but still watching over me, still protecting me. That’s when I turned back around and sat on the grass and began to tell my parents everything, as if they could really hear what I was saying.
All I could say was how sorry I was for trying to hurt myself. I wanted them to know I didn’t mean it. I wanted them to know I loved them. I wanted them to know everything.
I looked up to see Devin leaning against a tree, still watching me. And that’s when I told them about Devin. I told them everything. I told them about why I hated him, why I loved him. I told them I couldn’t see myself without him anymore. “I love him, Mom. I don’t know what to do,” I cried. “It’s so complicated. I really messed things up. I don’t know how to fix it.” I cried some more, asking them for help, wishing they were still here, and telling them how much I loved them. “I’m sorry if I let you down,” I told them. “I never meant to disappoint you. I only wanted to make you proud. I realize I’m a screw up sometimes, but you’ll see. I’ll make you proud of me. I’ll make you proud to call me your daughter.” I stood up and kissed my palms and pressed them to the top of their gravestones. “I miss you.”
When I turned back around, Devin was there. He didn’t say anything, he just drew me into his arms. I cried a little more and when I finally was spent I pulled away. “Thanks for coming with me, Devin.”
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