Forms of Love

by Rita Clay Estrada

  One idea came through clearly, though. She cared for him. If he could persuade her to stay, he’d have another chance at happiness.

  “Stay with me. Don’t go back.”

  She shook her head, and in the moonlight her hair looked like silver. “It wouldn’t work. They’d find us.”

  “How many miles can a probe reach?”

  “If they’re trying hard, maybe a mile or two.”

  “Kind of like a citizens-band radio? That can be overcome.” His thoughts were whirling.

  “It’s not that easy to hide.”

  “Not if they can’t find you to probe your mind.”

  “They can search you out, too,” she reminded him gently.

  “How? I’m one of the millions who live here. You’re the one they can spot.”

  She shook her head. “Once a mind is probed, we can find you easily, as if there was a chemical trace.”

  He smiled ferally. “But they didn’t probe my mind. They just attempted to.”

  Fleeting hope eased the strain in her face. “Do you think so?”

  Dan chuckled. Finally, something was falling under his control. “Yes, I think so. We’ll figure it out. I promise.”

  Her smile slowly melted. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve broken too many rules already. I must go back. I must do my job and make amends. Too many Herfronites are counting on me,” she whispered, as if afraid to be overheard. “But at least for a little while longer, I want to pretend we don’t have to leave each other.” She stared down at the rocky ground, her demeanor suddenly shy. “I want to be with you.”

  Dan felt his heartbeat quicken. He’d fight for her forever if he could. “At least we agree on something,” he said with a sigh. “Don’t worry. We’ll work it out.” He said it far more confidently than he felt.

  Kendra leaned her head against his chest and he inhaled the scent of her hair. Crickets sang, water lapped against the shoreline, stars twinkled above. Despite the idyllic situation, the depth of his emotions for the woman in his arms and the thought of parting from her pained him. Placing his thumb under her chin, Dan lifted her face to the moonlight. He stared at her, seeing every feature accented in the silver glow.

  How could a race of people be so sophisticated in some ways while so naive in others? He didn’t understand. He couldn’t understand. A small voice in the back of his mind told him he was playing with fire, thinking he could kidnap her from what she considered her own people. But he ignored it. He wanted her; she wanted him. That was all that mattered. All other warnings were useless.

  “Don’t get me confused any more than I already am,” she whispered. Apparently she was reading his thoughts again.

  “As long as you know that confusion isn’t my problem, too, honey. I’m not confused. I’m determined.”

  “This won’t last forever. I must go home.”

  “Just a few extra days together,” he told her.

  “A few extra days,” she repeated softly, her full mouth turning up in a sad smile.

  His lips brushed hers, his heart expanding with all the loving emotions she brought out in him. “Let’s get out of here,” he said, releasing his grip on her waist and reaching for her hand. Together, they walked up the tree-shadowed path toward the hotel.

  5

  AS DAWN BROKE over the high desert, Dan and Kendra pushed the raft away from the riverbank. Minutes later, the trading post was out of sight.

  The farther away from Lajitas they got, the more Dan relaxed. In contrast, the farther away they got, the more tense Kendra became. When he saw the whites of her knuckles on the raft rope, he demanded, “What is it?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Don’t tell me that. Talk to me.” His voice dropped. “I need to know, honey.”

  Her eyes widened at his endearment. She stared up at him, then gently probed his thoughts. He opened completely, letting her feel the rush of love that filled his very being.

  “But for which Kendra?” she asked softly. Her wide eyes stared at him as if unable to see—or read—the answer.

  “This Kendra. You.”

  She shook her head as if to ease the confusion. “I don’t know. I don’t think you really know how to separate us.”

  “I thought you could read my mind.”

  “I can’t read your emotions, Dan. And I feel confused. I’m not sure your feelings are for me.” Her breathing was shallow. He’d swear she was frightened. “I have never felt this way and it is not a good feeling.”

  “You’re feeling the same doubt and anxiety all of us humans experience.”

  She digested his words, ignoring the sarcasm just below the surface. Then she pushed her hair back absently, her mind still on the emotions consuming her. “How do you know that’s what it is?”

  “Because I love you.” He stopped paddling for a moment and tried to think of the words he needed. “I think you are what I was looking for when I fell in love with the other Kendra. With you, I just know.”

  His words didn’t ease her state of mind. If anything, she looked a little more frightened. “I need to know for sure that this is the name of what I’m feeling.”

  “No, you don’t. At least not right this minute. Take your time.” He grinned, softening his words. “We have another two days.”

  Kendra’s brows drew together. “We’re less than a day away from the spaceship. When we reach the place, you will have to continue on without me.”

  “Without you?”

  It was Kendra’s turn to smile, even though it wasn’t a happy look. “I must go home and you must continue your own personal journey. We don’t have a choice.”

  An overwhelming sadness encompassed him but he reined it in and pretended she hadn’t said that. There was no use arguing with her right now. She wouldn’t hear him. But later, when he held her in his arms and made love to her, he would persuade her to stay. Dan used his paddle as a rudder over a stretch of minor rapids. “What about my memories? Will you take those recollections of our time together away from me?”

  “Don’t ask me yet,” she implored. Her eyes closed as if she could keep the need to make those decisions at bay by denying them. “I don’t know what to do.”

  He kept his silence after that. After the mind probe last night from a source completely foreign to him, he had an idea just how powerful her race was. And how impotent he felt. Impotent! Hell, he was living in a nightmare! He was not only in fear of losing the woman he’d just found and now loved, he was also in fear of being probed—an experience that was like a rape of the mind.

  “I know it seems that way,” Kendra said, and he realized she’d been able to read his thoughts without giving even the gentlest probe that time. She was as good as any pickpocket on the streets of Dickens’s London.

  “It is that way,” he stated emphatically. “I don’t seem to have any control over others’ thoughts or actions, let alone my own.”

  “Don’t be bitter,” she admonished softly.

  But his lazy mood had vanished, and was replaced by tension that was great enough for both of them. “Then don’t tell me what to do.”

  Dan kept the raft slightly to the right of the center of the river. In tense silence, they traveled downstream, both caught up in their own tangled reflections.

  If he thought that losing Kendra had been hell, he was wrong. Hell on earth was losing Kendra twice.

  The most frustrating thing of all was that he had no control over either loss. He couldn’t play white knight and charge in to rescue her. He couldn’t protect her from Earth’s evils—or unearthly evils, either, for that matter.

  Hell, he didn’t even know which Kendra he was feeling confused about! Contrary to what he’d said, both women, although so very different from each other, were blending together in his mind. They were becoming one—a woman who was neither one nor the other but a combination of both, plus some indescribable, intangible something else.

  Kendra leaned forward, touching his arm. “Please. Don’t worry now.
There will be time enough later.”

  “What do you care?” he retorted, surprised at his own bitterness showing so readily. “You’ll be gone soon and I’ll still be here. Without you.” He paddled the raft over to the Mexican side and secured it to a small tree overhanging the water.

  “Before I leave, I promise I’ll help you feel better.” Her soothing voice made him even angrier.

  “Dammit!” he yelled, turning around to face her, his hands itching to close around her shoulders and shake some sense into her. “Can’t you read my mind enough to know that that’s the last thing I want you to do? This is my misery! My heartache. My damn pain! Don’t take it away from me!”

  His hands clamped on her small shoulders, but instead of shaking her, they soothed through the T-shirt material to the soft skin below. He took a deep shuddering breath, then spoke in a low voice. “I need to get through this, not ignore it.”

  Her gaze was so tender he wanted to cry. “I try, Dan, but I don’t understand the human logic behind that thought. If you can be helped so you will not feel so badly, why not take advantage of it?”

  His grin tight, he realized he regretted his outburst; she really didn’t understand. “I guess it’s just the wild and crazy human in me.”

  Kendra reached up and, with gentle fingers, soothed his taut jawline. It was the only thing she could give him, and she needed to help. He was her love and she was sure there would be no other to take his place. If anyone had fewer choices than Dan, it was her. But she couldn’t speak of that just now; her hands would simply have to translate the message of just how special he was to her.

  It helped ease a little of his tension when he forced his muscles to go limp, stopped resisting her help. Her unspoken feelings translated into the tender yet sensual touch of her soothing fingers. He needed her touch.

  He needed her.

  He took another breath and forced himself to calm down. She shouldn’t leave him. “Kendra,” he began, but her fingers drifted across his lips to silence the words she knew he would say.

  “We both know I don’t belong here, Dan. I need to be with my people. I know the rules there—I can live with what is expected and what is not considered correct. Herfronite laws are basic and logical, and that makes it much easier to live in my society than in yours. My people have been good and kind and loving to me. I cannot repay them by desertion. It is my duty to return and share my knowledge.”

  Dan closed his eyes and concentrated on nothing but her touch on his skin, her birdlike bones beneath his palms, the wonderful, indescribable scent of her. Carefully he pulled her to him, resting his head on her dark hair. She fit so perfectly against him, her softness a complement to his hard body.

  A falcon called to its mate as it circled aloft. The rapids behind and in front of them whispered enticingly for Dan to continue his journey. Bright sun stood overhead, daring them to remain dressed in the dizzying heat of the day.

  He continued to hold her in the steel grip of his arms, loving the feel of her against him and hoping to burn the memory of this moment into his brain so that no matter what happened, he could relive this time.

  “Dan,” she murmured against his chest.

  He felt his muscles tighten in anticipation. Was she being mind-probed again? Was Cowboy on their trail? Despite her thoughts on the matter, he knew the man would follow to ensure that she did what was expected of her. That was his damn job. He was supposed to keep Kendra from Dan. He felt the adrenaline flow at the thought. He wanted to blame someone, smash someone, hurt someone, hit someone. He wanted to...

  “Dan, please,” Kendra whispered, her breath on his flesh even warmer than the heat of the day.

  “It’s all right, honey. I’m here.”

  “I know.” Her voice was muffled against his chest. “I can’t breathe.”

  “Sorry,” he said, his voice suddenly unable to project past his throat. “I keep forgetting just how fragile you are.”

  Kendra looked up and took a deep breath, smiling slowly. “It’s all right now.”

  Without another word, Dan unwrapped the rope from the tree and picked up the oar. Within seconds they were back in the mainstream, safe and busy enough that he didn’t have to rehash their last conversation.

  They drifted with the Rio Grande current for the next two hours. Lunchtime had passed a few hours earlier, but Dan had ignored it. However, when his stomach finally protested in hunger, he brought the raft to the bank, tying up at a flat, rocky place. If the river rose any more, this shelf would probably be underwater all the way to the wall of trees farther back.

  He’d thought to go through the ice chest and put together something quick for lunch. But Kendra beat him to it by jumping to the bank with a sleeping bag and the small cooler in her hand. Heart beating a special rhythm only for her, Dan watched as she walked to the far trees and spread the unzipped sleeping bag in the shade. Then she sat, cross-legged, on the down-filled material and looked at him expectantly.

  Grabbing the larger ice chest, he walked to the shade she’d found, set the cooler down, then squatted next to her. “Make whatever sandwiches you want,” he said abruptly.

  She stared up at him, a quizzical look on her face. “Did I do something to displease you?”

  “No.”

  “Do you hurt?”

  “Yes.”

  “Can I help?”

  “No. You won’t be around to help later, so I might as well get used to the pain now.” He knew he sounded childish, but he couldn’t help it. In fact, he felt childish about everything to do with her. Damn! He was confused and hated the feeling of being out of control of his own life.

  In silence Kendra efficiently spread sandwich fixings over the top of the ice chest. “Are you reading my mind?”

  She began putting together a sandwich. Her head bobbed up and down.

  “Why aren’t I feeling it?” he asked, wondering if she was probing or reading his body language. If she was feeling him out—or malking—shouldn’t he know it?

  “You’re too busy being angry.”

  “Are you telling me I’m not paying attention?”

  Again, Kendra nodded. “If someone is gentle enough and the other person is preoccupied, it could be done without noticing the intrusion.”

  Dan filed that information away. If he was going to win this war of nerves, he’d better learn how to fight.

  He inhaled his sandwich, then leaned back, crossed his arms behind his head and stared up at the pale blue sky. “Teach me how to read minds.”

  Kendra took the last dainty bite of her sandwich. “That takes much practice, and I won’t be here long enough to do that.”

  “How far away is your spaceship?”

  She thought hard for a moment. “Closer than we thought. I saw the crest of the mountain as we took the last turn. About two hours from here.”

  “Then try to teach me in the next two hours.”

  Kendra sighed, carefully placing her paper plate in the bag they’d been using for trash. “Do you meditate?”

  “I’ve never tried before.”

  “Lie back, hands at your sides, legs straight.”

  He stared over at her. “I thought I was supposed to sit cross-legged and put my hands in a praying position.”

  “Not unless you’re used to praying in that position,” she answered dryly. “I’ve never seen you sit that way. It wouldn’t make sense to start now, because in five minutes you’d be very uncomfortable and unable to concentrate.”

  Dan hated it when she was more logical than he was. Grudgingly, he complied. Staring at her, he silently demanded the next instruction.

  She smiled sweetly and his anger dissipated. Then he realized she’d read his thoughts again. “You weren’t supposed to know that.”

  Her smile widened. “That’s what made it all the sweeter.”

  Don’t get too smug, he malked. You may not be able to do it after this.

  “Lie still,” she said aloud, obviously unwilling to let
him know whether or not she received that message. “Now, close your eyes.”

  He did as he was told. Her tone dropped even lower, becoming more dulcet. “Begin by focusing on the sounds of the wind, the river, the bird’s cries.”

  He tried, but thoughts kept flooding him. They still had to repack the raft, then go through the next two sets of rapids....

  “Push all those thoughts away, very gently, very slowly, so you won’t interrupt your own decelerating pulse rate.”

  Her voice was gentle, sunshine warm and mesmerizing, and he felt himself relaxing even more. “Try doing what you did last night when I told you about the probe, only this time you’ll go deeper.”

  He continued to concentrate on everything around him while keeping himself distant from it all.

  “Give all your weight to the ground, Dan. Let it absorb you so you are one with the warmth of this Earth.”

  Thoughts continued to bombard him, but he ignored them altogether by concentrating on the natural sounds around him.

  “Breathe from the diaphragm, fill the center of your heart with the steady heat of life, then allow it to radiate through the rest of you.”

  Dan tried to follow her directions as best he could. Despite his gentle nudging-away of those thoughts that came at him like darts, he began to feel as if he were floating slightly above the ground. His chest felt the warmth of the sun and it seemed to seep into every muscle and vein.

  “Now, pretend you can reach out to me as if we had a cord connecting the two of us.”

  Dan imagined what she was saying, reaching toward Kendra only to find she was already there, wrapping him in her arms and holding him securely. It wasn’t until he looked down that he realized he was flying across the face of the Earth.

  You’re doing well, Dan, he felt Kendra say.

  Don’t distract me, he thought back.