Mucho Mojo cap-2

by Joe R. Lansdale

  “As the day wears on,” I said, “a cop’s brain settles. It’s kind of like sediment.”

  “And he ain’t fueled by the magic of melted M amp;Ms.”

  “There’s that too.”

  “Ain’t the green M amp;Ms supposed to do something to you?” Leonard said. “I always heard you had to watch the green ones.”

  “The guy at the factory, he jacks off in the juice makes the green ones, that’s what I heard.”

  “No,” Leonard said, “that’s the mayonnaise at McDonald’s, or Burger King, or one of those places. It’s supposed to be a black man does it. That way it scares the shit out of the peckerwoods, ’cause the black customers, they’re in on it, it’s a conspiracy-type thing. They know to hold the mayonnaise. The white folks, they don’t all know about it, so some of ’em eat it. Oh, and the black guy, he’s got AIDS.”

  “No shit?”

  “No shit. Ain’t that awful, a nigger with AIDS jacking off in the poor honkie folks’ mayonnaise?”

  “A queer nigger, of course?”

  “Without question. And he’s ugly too.”

  38.

  We sat there until our asses and the seatcovers seemed one and the same, then the cars started to arrive and park at the curb, beating their wipers against the rain.

  It was hard to see with the rain the way it was, but we could see kids come off the bus and rush into cars, and those cars would go away, then more would show up, and a new flock of kids would come off the bus, and pretty soon all the cars were gone, and no more came. The bus cranked up, turned on its lights, drove to the back of the church.

  “What now?” Leonard said.

  Before I could answer, the tan Volkswagen, which I had forgotten about, came out from behind the church and turned left. The church lights gave me enough of a view to tell the driver was the woman who had been driving the bus, and she had a little girl with her. Mom, having done her duty, was on her way home with her own child.

  “You’re right,” I said. “I don’t think the Reverend was on the bus when it came back. He could have got off out back just now, but I don’t think so. I think he stayed at the carnival.”

  “We’ve been hoodwinked, and not on purpose,” Leonard said. “I can’t figure how Fitzgerald did it exactly, but he had prearranged plans with the woman. I don’t mean she was in on it-”

  “I know what you mean. He had her drive the kids back, but he had a kid in mind wasn’t on the bus.”

  “Someone won’t be missed. Some kid he gave a free pass to. And he had another way of leaving the carnival other than the bus.”

  “If we’re right,” I said, “where does that leave us?”

  “With the clock ticking,” Leonard said.

  We sat silent for a moment, then almost in unison said: “The Hampstead place.”

  Leonard drove us by the cop in the leisure suit. He was still watching the church. He didn’t even blink as we went by.

  We made our way to the Hampstead place from Uncle Chester’s. Up through the woods on foot. The rain hadn’t slacked, and it was slow going. The wind had picked up and turned surprisingly cool, and it tossed the rain hard as gravel. Tree branches whipped and cut us, and our single flashlight did little to punch a hole in the darkness. We hadn’t taken the time to get rain slickers, so we were soaked to the skin. I wished now we’d bothered to get guns. But all we’d brought were ourselves and the flashlight in Leonard’s car.

  When we got to the Hampstead place, we were exhausted. We didn’t want Fitzgerald and his brother to see us coming, so I turned off the flashlight just before we broke out of the woods, into the partial clearing.

  Out there, with no light, pitch dark without moon or starlight, the rain hammering us like ball bearings, we only had our instincts to guide us. It was rough going. We could hear the boards in the old house creaking, begging the wind to leave it alone, and we linked arms and let those sounds guide us. I barked a shin on a porch step, and Leonard followed suit. We climbed onto the porch, trying to be as quiet as possible, which was difficult when you felt like your leg was broken. We found our way along the porch to the busted-out window we had used before, cautiously crawled inside.

  Rain was driving into the house from the hole in the ceiling and the hole in the roof above. It was so dark inside we couldn’t see the rain, but we could hear it and feel it. We listened for other sounds, the sounds of movement, but there was only the wind and the expected creaking of lumber.

  We had no recourse but to turn on the flash, and we used it to avoid the breaks in the boards, but still they squeaked as we walked. We went through the room with the chifforobe and into the kitchen, and it was dry there, and I realized suddenly that my nerves were starting to settle. The pounding rain had been like a severe case of Chinese water torture.

  But as soon as we were both inside the kitchen, not really expecting to find anyone since we’d heard neither movement or seen illumination, my flashlight caught a shadow on my left, and I whipped the light that way, and the shadow came at me. I swung the flashlight, and there was a grunt and a shattering of bulb, and the light went out. Then I felt hands on me. I shifted my body and jabbed with an elbow and then there was light on the right of me and I saw Leonard out of the corner of my eye, and he was planting a side kick in a man’s mid-section, and in that same instant my hands felt their way around my injured attacker’s body, and I hip-threw him hard against the floor. Then a light shot up at me from the floor, and behind the light the shadow shape said, “Goddamn you, Hap.”

  It was Charlie.

  The cop Leonard kicked was named Gleason. I had seen him the day they tore Uncle Chester’s flooring up. He was the fat cop with the bad toupee Mohawk had yelled at. He wasn’t any slimmer, and now his bad toupee was wet and in the light of his and Charlie’s flashlight, it looked like some kind of strange tribal skullcap.

  Leonard had really planted that kick. Gleason took a long time to start breathing naturally, but the guy had enough fat nothing got broken. Charlie wasn’t feeling that good either. He had a knot on the side of his head where I had connected with the flashlight.

  “Man, that flashlight hurt,” Charlie said.

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “Goddamn, you motherfuckers are quick.”

  “How’s the head?” I said.

  “It hurts, what’ya think?” Charlie rubbed the knot on his head. “Goddamn.”

  “Sorry, Charlie. If it’s any consolation, I think you broke Leonard’s flashlight.”

  “Yeah, well, buy another. My head, I just got this one. What the fuck you two doing here?”

  We told him.

  “You think Hanson didn’t think of covering this place?” Charlie said. “Jesus, we may not be the incredibly clever sleuths you boys are, but we think of a few things. We even brought along a lunch.”

  “Charlie forgot the chips, though,” Gleason said. “I told him twicet about the chips, and he still forgot ’em. A sandwich without chips ain’t no good.”

  “Would you lose the chips, Gleason?” Charlie said.

  “I just said you forgot is all,” Gleason said.

  “The point here is not that I forgot the chips out of our lunch,” Charlie said, “it’s that you two morons are screwing stuff up.”

  “I told you we’re sorry,” I said. “Jesus, what you want us to do, shoot ourselves?”

  “You could have fucked up an investigation.”

  “Considering Fitzgerald hasn’t showed yet,” Leonard said, “I think things are already fucked.”

  “Man,” Gleason said, “I think this guy busted something inside.”

  Charlie put the light on Gleason. “You’re all right. Lose some fuckin’ weight. And take off that stupid toup.”

  “He ought to leave it,” Leonard said. “The bad guys show up, he can scare ’em with it.”

  “Yeah, well, you guys laugh,” Gleason said. “I had this special fitted.”

  “Fitted for what?” Leonard said. “A fence po
st? You got more head than you got hair there. You need to shoot and field-dress another mop, pal.”

  “Right, you’re Vidal Sassoon,” Gleason said.

  And that’s when we heard someone coming through the woods from the back of the house.

  “The lights,” Charlie said, and he killed the flash and Gleason killed his. We listened as the tromping came closer.

  Charlie whispered, “Spread out, here’s you guys’ chance to use that karate shit on someone deserves it.”

  We spread out. I took position by the door that led into the kitchen. I knew Charlie was somewhere to the left of me, and Leonard and Gleason were across the way.

  We waited and the tromping went on around the side of the house and onto the front porch, then we heard the porch boards squeak, and not long after, the inside boards squeaked louder. The squeaking came our way. I felt the hair on the back of my neck bristle and there was a tightening of the groin and a loosening of the bowels. A light came from the room with the chifforobe, and the light bobbed into the kitchen, and a man came after it. Then the light swung to the right and its beam fell square and solid on Gleason, standing there like a stuffed bear, his toupee dangling off his skull like an otter clinging to a rock.

  “Hey,” the startled man with the light said, and it was Fitzgerald’s voice, and for a moment, time was suspended. Then time came loose and from behind Fitzgerald a monstrous shadow charged into the room, and I moved, and everyone else moved, and I realized then that someone was running away from the chifforobe room, someone who had been with Fitzgerald and his brother, someone who had panicked.

  I started to go after him, but I couldn’t get past the Reverend, so I stepped in and hit him with a right cross to the jaw and he dropped the flashlight and staggered across the room and Gleason grabbed him. When I hit him, the flash hit the floor and went around and around, showing Gleason and the Reverend, then shadow, then light, then the flash quit rolling and pinned them.

  The big shadow was T.J., of course, and when Gleason grabbed Fitzgerald, T.J. grabbed Gleason, got him by the head with his huge hands, held it like it was a basketball he was about to shoot.

  I heard the one who got away fall through some boards in the front room, heard him grunt and scramble, then Gleason let go of Fitzgerald, and Fitzgerald spun and hit Gleason in the stomach with a hook, and though I was already moving, and so were the others, it was all too fast. T.J. had Gleason good. He twisted Gleason’s head like he was screwing the lid off a stubborn pickle jar. Gleason’s sad toupee popped loose, soared above the light of the flash, then came back to it like a hairy UFO and slapped the floor. Behind it all, you could hear Gleason’s neck crack like a plastic swizzle stick.

  “Stop them!” Fitzgerald yelled to T.J., and Charlie was on Fitzgerald, and Leonard stepped in and kicked T.J. flush in the groin and drove his palm up into the giant’s chin, and the giant grunted and reached for Leonard, and Leonard moved away into shadow.

  Charlie flew into me unconscious, courtesy of Fitzgerald’s left hook. I eased Charlie aside, and me and Fitzgerald came together.

  The rhythm of our punches and the constant kicking of Leonard against T.J.’s body filled the room. I hit Fitzgerald with a jab and he hooked me to the body and I felt a rib crack, but I’d had that before. It wasn’t poking through the skin, so it was a pain I could isolate. I bobbed in and jabbed again and threw an overhand right, but Fitzgerald had moved out of the moon of light the flashlight provided, and I threw my punch at movement instead of substance. He leaned away and landed another in my ribs, same spot; it hurt like a knife had gone there.

  But I had something Fitzgerald didn’t have: a four-wheel drive. I kicked him hard in the side of the leg, just above the knee, and he wobbled into the light, and I could see him good now, and I hit him with a right in the face and kicked with a left roundhouse to his ribs. He faded back into the darkness and ran.

  I turned to look at Leonard, just as Leonard scoop-kicked the inside of T.J.’s knee, then side-snap-kicked to the front of it. T.J. went down with a yell, hit the floorboards hard, rolled over and screamed, tried to get up, but the shattered knee wouldn’t hold him.

  I heard Fitzgerald break through glass and kick out window struttings, then I heard him drop to the ground outside. I grabbed the flashlight and went after him, my ribs throbbing. When I got to the window and started through, I heard Fitzgerald scream like a man with a stick in his eye, then the scream turned to an echo, then a flat, soul-breaking whine.

  I dropped to the ground and shone the light around. The rain was still pounding, and even with the light it was hard to see. I could hear him, though: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death… Oh, Jesus, not this way.”

  I went toward the sound, and it was coming from the old well. Fitzgerald had tumbled down there in the darkness. I cautiously slid up to the pile of rubble that had been the well’s rock foundation, bent over, and shone the light down.

  Fitzgerald wasn’t saying anything now, he wasn’t making any kind of sound, but he was alive. I could see his eyes blinking at the rain. The well was not wide, and the fall had been hard, and there was all manner of rubble down there – rocks from the curbing, limbs and brush, stagnant water – and he had hit in such a way that his waist was twisted and his legs were turned at an angle only pipe cleaners should make.

  “I’ll get you out,” I said.

  But he wasn’t listening. He bent his head toward his chest, and his ruined body shifted and his chin went to his knees, which were too high up for anyone but an acrobat, then he was still. He eased slowly into the water, then hung on some kind of debris.

  I didn’t need an M.D. to tell me the Reverend Fitzgerald had passed into darkness. I held the light on him for a time, watched the rain beat him, realized that the way he was now, he looked like nothing more than a peaceful embryo waiting for birth.

  I went back to the house by the porch and window. I didn’t see anyone lurking about. I found where the one who had gotten away had fallen through the boards, and down there I found something else too. Lying on his side on the ground, a black bag over his head, hands bound behind his back, ankles tied, was a child.

  I got the boy out of there and pulled the bag off his head. He had a bandanna around his mouth, and under that something stuffed in his mouth, and he was having a hard time breathing. I got the thing out of his mouth and saw that it was a sock. I sat him on the side of the floor where the boards had given away, let his legs dangle. He looked at me. He was shaking.

  “Please,” he said.

  “It’s OK, son. I’m not one of them.”

  “Please.”

  I saw there was something else down in the hole, and got back down in there and grabbed it. It was a large piece of cloth, and under it was a book of the Psalms. I wrapped the book up in the cloth, which wasn’t just a cloth at all, and picked the boy up and made my way around the gap in the boards and carried him into the kitchen. He was stiff and frightened. I sat him on the floor with his back against the wall. He saw T.J. twisting on the floor, and he started to struggle, but the ties on his hands and feet prevented any real movement. He merely fell over and lay still.

  “Easy,” I said. “You’re OK now.”

  I glanced over and saw that Leonard had gotten Charlie’s handcuffs and was putting them on T.J. T.J. kept yelling over and over, “Bubba. Bubba.”

  When Leonard had T.J.’s arms cuffed behind his back, he limped over to where me and the boy were.

  “The runner lost the prizes,” I said, and lay the cloth and the Psalm book on the floor.

  Leonard got out his pocket knife, and the boy flinched and made a sound like something dying.

  “It’s OK,” Leonard said, and he cut the boy’s hands and feet free. “We got ’em for you, boy.”

  Free, the child lay on the floor with his knees drawn to his chest. “They hurt you?” Leonard asked him.

  The boy didn’t answer. He stared at Leonard. Leonard stroked the boy
’s head. “Gonna be all right.”

  I checked on Gleason. It didn’t take much of an examination to determine he wouldn’t be coming around. His head was twisted at such an angle it made my throat hurt. I found his toupee and stuck it on his head as best I could.

  I went over then and looked at Charlie. He was lying on his back, conscious, but weak. “Where’s it hurt?” I asked.

  “My head,” Charlie said. “Jesus, what a lick. The world’s spinning. I’d rather you hit me with the flashlight again.”

  “Left hook,” I said. “He had a good one. He hasn’t got anything now.”

  “You kill him?”

  “The old well took care of him.” I worked Charlie’s coat off of him, folded it up and put it under his head. “Man, you going to have to go shopping. This suit coat is ruined. Pocket’s ripped clean the hell off of it.”

  “Got his hand caught in it,” Charlie said. “Think Kmart’ll take it back?”

  “Even they got to draw a line somewhere.”

  “Gleason?”

  “Afraid not. Take it easy, now. You might have a concussion. I’ll get some help.”

  “Hanson don’t hear from us in a while, he’ll be up here.”

  “I’m not going to wait that long, Charlie.”

  I went back to Leonard. He said, “My ankle’s bad twisted. I’ve got down here now and can’t get up. It’s swollen from me kicking that big devil. I must have hit wrong. I think I’ll have to cut off the shoe.”

  “Leonard, it’s not over yet.”

  “I know. You’ll get him, won’t you? For me and you, and Uncle Chester?”

  “You know it.”

  “And Hanson for that matter. Boy is he gonna be pissed.”

  “That’s how I like him best. Pissed… You’ll be all right?”

  “Get him, Hap. Get him now.”

  I folded the cloth around the Psalmbook and went away.

  It took me a while to get from the Hampstead place back down to Uncle Chester’s, but not as long as it had taken us to go up there. I wasn’t trying to sneak and the rain had subsided. I thought all the way down. I thought about how stupid I’d been. I was so mad my ribs didn’t even hurt.