He was so matter of fact, but Neil studied the troubled expression on his cousin’s face, as if Andy were trying to convince himself his decision was sound. Andy had always been in Neil, Brad, and Jed’s shadow. His resembled them, and even his dark hair had the same natural waves as Jed’s, though he had kept it clipped short, neat, and rich-looking until lately. There had always been something colder about him that didn’t fit into the close, warm relationship that Neil had with Jed and Brad. But then, Andy had grown up alone, and with parents like Caroline and Todd, it was a wonder he hadn’t turned out to be cold and calculating like them.
No, Andy had a conscience, and that was why he was here and probably why Neil was listening to him. Neil himself had a shrewd, ruthless side that he tapped into for his own business dealings, although he’d never admit it to anyone.
“What now, Andy?” he asked.
“Only you can decide that, Neil. You got dealt a shitty hand.”
“I want kids. Lots of them,” he said.
“I know.”
“I want my own. My God, I had already planned it, how many, and I could imagine her belly swollen with my child. We’d have lots, and they’d have her dark hair. You know what? I imagined her nursing my child from her breast. She would have been a wonderful mother. She just didn’t know it, but if you’d seen her with her animals, the caring, the love… She’d give her life for them, and she’d have done the same for our children.”
“You need to ask yourself if she can be enough,” Andy said. “Do you love her enough? You know, I know better than anyone that sometimes when you make a plan, life changes everything and you have to go to plan B, and sometimes you end up having to throw that plan right out the window, too, and then scramble for plan C, which really isn’t any type of plan at all. It sometimes comes down to doing what you can with what you’ve got,” he finished, speaking from the heart.
As Neil watched his cousin, it was the first time he noticed his expression, one of old wisdom only possessed by people who had clawed their way out of the slums, getting kicked in the head over and over until they became smarter, self-made men with skeletons stuffed in their closets. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience there, cos.”
“Maybe, but this is about you and your girl, who’s lying up there in a hospital bed.” He nodded toward the hospital and noticed Brad making a beeline straight for them. He wore his suit jacket, his tie undone, his hair soaked and plastered to his head.
“She’s awake,” Brad said, wearing an expression of concern for Neil. “Emily’s in with her, but she’s been asking for you. What do you want me to tell her?”
“Nothing,” Neil said.
Both men glanced at him. For the first time since he could remember, Brad looked as if he wanted to knock him around. Andy wore an unreadable expression as he glanced at Brad. “It’s his choice, Brad. Only he can make it,” he said.
“Yeah, well, there’s a young lady up there who’s just had her world ripped apart. She’s scared out of her mind, and she’s not as tough as you think she is, Neil,” Brad barked.
“What the hell kind of asshole do you think I am?” Neil spat out. “I’m going up.” He stopped and then stepped back to his cousin, reaching out to shake his hand. “Thank you, Andy.”
“For what?” Andy said, gripping Neil’s hand.
“For what you said. For listening. For being an asshole, too. I guess we’re alike in more ways than I’d hoped.”
Andy didn’t say anything else, and Brad watched them with a bit of amusement and curiosity. Neil didn’t wait around to explain but strode through the puddles, aware that his eight-hundred-dollar shoes were now ruined.
Chapter 23
Neil waved his mother away when he stepped out of the elevator.
Her eyes widened, and she firmed her lips and said, “Well, the least you could do is get a towel from the nurse and dry off a bit before you go in. You’re dripping everywhere.”
Jed strode past his mother to the nurses’ station, said something and gestured to Neil, and then walked back over. “Here’s a towel. Did you clear your head?”
“In a way. Candy’s awake, I heard. How’s she doing?” Neil didn’t miss the strange expression shared between Jed and his mother right before Rodney strode down the hall and jabbed his finger at Neil.
“You need to go take care of your bride,” his father said as he stepped closer. “Emily’s with her now.”
“Well, how is she?” Neil asked his father, knowing darn well he was stalling.
“How would you feel if you woke up surrounded by a bunch of people who are still strangers to you, expecting to see your husband there but seeing he’s the only one who’s not?”
“We’re not married, Dad. Remember, this happened before she said ‘I do,’” Neil said, receiving surprised looks from Jed, his mom, and his dad, except no one was more surprised by what he’d just said than he was.
“I hope you’re a little more polished than that before you head in,” his father said in a strong voice that Neil hadn’t heard since he was a teenager, after his dad had caught him fooling around with a high school cheerleader, her top off, with plans to go a little further than just touching and petting.
The elevator dinged behind him, and a sopping wet Brad and Andy stepped out.
“Excuse me,” Neil said as he stepped around his father. Rodney wore a sudden expression of disapproval, and Neil didn’t like it at all.
Neil had forgotten to ask what room Candy was in, and he was thankful when he spotted Emily coming out halfway down the hall.
She looked up and waved to him. “Neil, glad you’re here. She’s waiting for you,” she said.
“Yeah, well… how is she?” It was all he could think of asking, and he’d asked everyone except Candy. Maybe Emily sensed his apprehension, his nervousness, his anger, and his concern. He was still struggling to hold it together.
She touched his hand. “Just go be with her. Just tell her you love her. She’s scared and devastated, and she feels so alone. Oh, we were all there, but it was you she wanted, even though she wouldn’t say it. I’ve seen that broken look before. I had it once myself. Before you go in there, Neil, you should know she blames herself.”
“For what?” Neil said, his throat thick and scratchy.
“For losing the baby, for not being able to give you children now, for everything. She’s not making a lot of sense. You need to go talk to her and tell her it doesn’t matter.”
Neil had an unreadable poker face, and he prided himself on it. This was a good thing, because to him, it did matter.
Apparently his poker face wasn’t as good as he thought, though, as Emily raised her eyebrows and said, “Oh, I see. Well, don’t hurt her,” before she walked away.
Neil pushed the door open, taking in the sterile white walls, the single hospital bed, and a cheap small television that was so bulky it had to be twenty years old, if not more. He looked everywhere except at the women lying quiet and still in the hospital bed. He could smell the antiseptic cleaner the hospital used, but he could also smell Candy’s vanilla-scented shampoo. It was faint, but it was what drew his gaze to her.
She was watching him, though her beautiful dark eyes, which always seemed to be tinged with a ring of fire, were now filled with such sadness. There was something broken in the way she watched him and lay there with not an ounce of fight in her.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked, very aware of the distance between them.
“Okay,” she muttered, her voice gruff and sounding very tired. She didn’t reach for him. In fact, she kept her hand fisted beside her pillow, her long dark hair draped in a tangled mess. The roses and veil had been plucked out, and the pins, too, but her hair was still a mass of curls. Her face was pale, and she had not a stitch of makeup on.
Neil could feel the awkwardness, and he noticed the way she rested her hand over her stomach as he took another step closer.
“I’m sorry, Neil.”
<
br /> “For what? Why are you sorry?” he said. He touched the steel bed rail, noticing the IV tube running into her arm and a spot of blood over the clear tape where it went into the back of her hand.
A tear slid down her cheek. She swiped it away. “For ruining your day.” She wouldn’t look at him when she said it.
“You didn’t ruin my day. My God, woman, you damn near died! You scared the hell out of me again. Why didn’t you tell me there was something wrong? Last night I found you, and then you were sick. I should have brought you to the hospital last night,” he said, looking down on her as she flicked her gaze to him, but he still hadn’t touched her.
“If you mean not feeling well because I was pregnant, how was I supposed to know? I’ve never been pregnant before. How do I know what’s normal, what’s not? Besides, it’s a moot point now,” she said, still not looking at him.
“Candy, the doctor mentioned cramping, shoulder pain.”
She worried her lower lip between her teeth, and he could tell she was hiding something.
“Seriously, Candy…” He let out a sigh when she scrunched her face. “Why wouldn’t you tell me? My God, I would have brought you right in and gotten you help. They wouldn’t have had to do a hysterectomy,” he snapped. He hadn’t meant it to come out so sharply, and he realized, as she softly wept, what a bastard he was being. “Candy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”
She sniffed loudly, her face wet. “Yes, you did, because you blame me. I knew you did when I woke up and you weren’t there. It was your dad and mom, Emily, Brad, Jed, they were all here. Emily had to tell me…” Her voice choked on a sob. “She had to tell me that I lost the baby, that they had to do a hysterectomy to save me.” She was having trouble catching her breath, and she put her hand over her abdomen and winced as she tried to inhale.
“Are you hurting? Did they give you anything for the pain?”
She shook her head, and as he went to touch her hand, she pulled away and seemed to withdraw into herself. “I was spotting before the wedding, but I didn’t know what was wrong…” she sobbed.
Neil shut his eyes and had to count so he didn’t yell at her. Spotting, seriously? How could she not have said anything? He jabbed his hand in his hair as she sobbed and sniffed. “Look, let me call the nurse. I’ll have her get you something for the pain.”
“No, I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I’d like to go to sleep,” she said.
“Fine,” he said, watching how stiff she became. “Do you want me to stay?” It was so awkward between them that he didn’t know what to say. What he really wanted to do was shake her.
“No, you should go. You probably have a lot to do at Brad’s, with the caterers, the guests. You should go and look after that.”
Neil studied her, and maybe he felt some relief or something, as he found himself bending over. Instead of kissing her lips, he pressed a kiss to her forehead, and he felt her wince. Maybe she really didn’t want him here, or maybe she knew how furious he was.
“I’ll see you later, then. Get some rest,” he said. As he touched the door and pulled it open, he glanced back only once, and he left.
Chapter 24
Candy lay in that narrow hospital bed, watching Neil walk out the door without looking back, and for the first time in her life, she felt her heart break in two. She’d never been so emotionally connected to a man, but Neil had walked into her life, scooped her off the ground, protected her, and kept her safe in a way she’d never expected. She’d thought he only wanted her land, but when he had come for her during that storm, when she was at the lowest point in her life, her heart had cracked open, and she’d let him in.
Now she saw his hesitation. When she had opened her eyes, groggy and confused, she had expected Neil to be there holding her hand. But he wasn’t. It was Emily. The rest of the family hovered, and she saw their concern when she asked for Neil and where he was, the expression on Jed’s face and then on Brad’s.
She was tired and would have loved nothing more than to curl up and sleep, never to wake up again, all because the emptiness burning a hole in her heart was stronger than the drugs they’d given her.
The door was pushed open, and Candy’s heart leapt with joy, as Neil must have had a change of heart. Except it was only Emily. Her hair was still styled, and she looked so pretty with the makeup on her fresh complexion. She didn’t hesitate one second as she stepped toward the bed, and Candy couldn’t stop her lips from trembling. The sob broke free and choked her.
Emily petted her hair, rubbed her arm, and just said, “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“I thought you were Neil, coming back,” Candy cried.
“He said you were tired, wanted to sleep. I was just coming in to check on you.”
“I just told him that because he didn’t want to be here. He blames me, Emily.”
“No, he doesn’t blame you. Why would you think that? He’s scared, is all.” Emily rubbed her arm and then grabbed a handful of Kleenex on the nightstand to wipe Candy’s face. The tears, still streaming, were making her skin extremely sensitive. Her nose was running, and she took the Kleenex and blew loudly. She was lying on her side, a pillow supporting her back, another at her belly.
“I missed all the signs,” she said. “I tried to tell him I didn’t know what to expect, what was normal and what wasn’t. He asked about cramping, shoulder pain. I had that. I started spotting before I got dressed, but I put it out of my mind. I didn’t want to disappoint Neil.” Her voice caught, and Emily stood close with such empathy in her expression, just listening to her. She had no judgment at all, and Candy felt safe talking with her.
“I haven’t been feeling well all week. I thought it was nerves. I mean, I’d just found out I was pregnant. I hadn’t even seen a doctor. I had a stomach ache last night, cramping off and on. My back ached, my shoulder was aching, but I thought it was from hardly doing anything, and all the stress and fretting and worrying this week. I work hard, and Neil’s made everything too easy. Maybe it was my fault.” She couldn’t look at Emily, wondering whether she’d think she was horrible, as well.
“Hey, you listen to me,” Emily said. “Being pregnant is no picnic. I’ve been pregnant twice, and each time was different. Katie was hard, my first, and I was sick my entire pregnancy. Becky was easier, other than my back hurting off and on and being ridiculously tired. You ask Diana, too. She went into labor with her first while riding a horse, searching for Jed, and Christopher, he was overdue and she panicked over everything. So don’t you dare blame yourself. That doctor shouldn’t have said what he did. There are a lot of ifs, here. You already know you should have mentioned the spotting, but sometimes that’s normal. How were you to know, Candy? Come on. Hindsight is always worth its weight in gold. None of us have a crystal ball. My Lord, I would have been a basket case this week if I were in your shoes. You handled it well. You did everything you could. It happened. It could have happened to Diana, me, even Laura, especially with our men.” The way she said it helped a bit.
“What am I going to do, Emily?” she asked. She was worried, as she didn’t know how to make Emily understand the distance Neil had put between them.
“Well, you’re going to get some rest. You’re going to get better. You and Neil can get married when you get out of here. You can stay at the ranch until you’re well enough to travel. Enough worrying.” Emily continued to rub her shoulder and then allowed her hand to slip away.
“I don’t think there will be a wedding, Emily,” Candy said. “I don’t think you understand. It’s different this time with Neil. I don’t think he wants me anymore. He wants children, and I can’t give him any now. I don’t fit into his world. He’d be better off without me.” She stiffened at the thought of losing Neil after everything she’d already lost. Emily pulled her hand away. “I’m tired, would you mind?” she said, refusing to look at Emily.
“Of course. I’ll let you get some sleep. I’ll come back later.” Emily brushed
Candy’s back with her fingers and then pressed her hand to Candy’s head. Then she left.
As soon as the door closed, Candy wept again.
Chapter 25
Neil helped the caterer pack up the glasses, the crystal, the dishes. He carried, he lifted, he organized, and he moved stuff. He took down the decorations, set them in boxes, and put them out on the front deck faster than everything could be loaded into the vehicles. The food, mountains of it, had been moved into the kitchen, and someone else was putting it away. It could have been Laura, Diana, even Emily. Brad and Jed had offered to help, wanting him to talk, asking if he was okay until he finally barked, “Leave me alone!” Both had gestured in surrender and walked away.
Andy had watched him with that shrewd gaze from across the room, saying nothing. He’d stepped in when Neil was trying to take down one of the folding tables in the dining room and was having trouble finding the latch. He’d wanted to kick it and was about to when Andy reached down and flicked something bent on the metal leg. Andy then turned the table on its side and lifted one end, gesturing for him to do the other, and they had walked it outside together.
After the last item had been packed up and there was nothing left for him to do; that was when the whispers from his family became too much.
Rodney touched his shoulder and said, “Son, maybe you should take a break, sit down.”
“I’m fine, Dad. I don’t need to take a break or sit down. I need to do something,” he snapped, which was something he never did with his father. They had a great relationship. Hell, he got along with everyone. He was always the reasonable one, except today.
“You’re not fine. You’re far from fine. Your girl is lying in a hospital bed after going through major surgery, and she’s hurt, too, but instead of being there with her, you’re here, snapping at everyone who’s trying to help you,” Rodney fired right back at him.
The kids were running around, but Becky stepped in and shooed them upstairs. Diana and Laura were holding their babies, watching Neil. Andy stood behind his wife, putting his hands on her shoulders, and he leaned down and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and then started upstairs behind Becky.
The Wedding Page 9
