The Case of the Eccentric Elkhound

by B R Snow

  “Did you spend much time with Oslo?” I said.

  “Nah,” Pee Wee said, shaking his head. “Mr. Calducci went everywhere with him, and since Jimmy and Dot did everything they could to avoid being in the same room at the same time, I didn’t see that much of the dog.”

  “That’s because you work for her, don’t you?” I said.

  “Well done. You’re pretty smart,” Pee Wee said.

  “I have my moments.”

  “Most people always assumed I worked for him, but she was the one who hired me a couple of years ago.”

  “To be her bodyguard?” I said, leaning against the wall.

  Since it appeared he was in the mood to chat, I decided to do my best to come across as casual.

  “Yeah, that’s how it started,” Pee Wee said. “The job has changed a bit since then.”

  I passed on the chance to steer the conversation toward the nature of their personal relationship. Josie’s observations at dinner had provided me all the details I needed to hear about that. But the rationale behind his initial hiring intrigued me.

  “Why would Mrs. Calducci need a bodyguard?” I said.

  “Look, I probably shouldn’t even be having this conversation, but I’m running out of options. Maybe you two might have some ideas. Dot, uh, tends to get paranoid at times,” he said quietly. “Especially at night.”

  “And it’s not because she’s afraid of the dark, right?” I said.

  “No,” he said, chuckling. “Dot kinda likes it dark.”

  “She turns paranoid when she drinks?” I said.

  “Yeah, among other things,” Pee Wee said, giving us a sad smile. “It’s bad, and it’s getting worse.”

  “But who would she need protection from?” Josie said.

  “She has a long list of possibilities,” he said. “Most of them are people associated with Mr. Calducci’s operation, but it’s all in her imagination. They wouldn’t go after her. Primarily, she was paranoid about him.”

  “Her husband?” I said, glancing at Josie.

  “Yeah,” Pee Wee said. “She and Jimmy had some knockdown, drag-out battles that were legendary. There were a couple of fights even I didn’t want to get in the middle of. Can you believe that?”

  “Based on your size, no,” Josie said, smiling at him.

  “Did they get violent with each other?” I said.

  “Well, you and I probably have a different definition of what constitutes violence,” he said, for some reason finding his comment funny. “But, yeah. From time to time they were known to smack each other around.”

  “Interesting,” I said.

  I didn’t have a clue why I said it out loud.

  “Not really,” Pee Wee said. “Just a crappy marriage. Look, I need to get going. It’s almost time for lunch, and I need to make sure I get some food in her stomach before she starts hitting the Bloody Marys.”

  “Okay. Thanks for bringing her by,” I said.

  “No problem,” he said. “And take good care of that little guy. I hate to see him like that.”

  “We’ll do everything we can, Pee Wee,” Josie said.

  He started to head back to the reception area, then stopped and turned around.

  “So you did all those tests and the operation even though you knew you probably wouldn’t get paid for it?” he said.

  “Yeah,” Josie said.

  “Hmmm,” he said, giving the matter serious thought. “How much would the bill be?”

  “Probably somewhere around fifteen thousand,” Josie said.

  “Wow,” he said. “But after watching how much happier Mr. Calducci was after he got the dog, I can see why people would fork that much out if they had it.”

  He waved and headed off to the reception area. We watched him leave, then looked at each other.

  “What do you know?” Josie said. “Pee Wee’s a dog person.”

  “Yeah, who would have thought?” I said.

  “Are they still on the list of suspects?” Josie said.

  “Oh, yeah,” I said. “As soon as he described their fights, Dot went right to the top of the list.”

  “What about Pee Wee?” Josie said.

  “I’m not sure about him,” I said. “But whoever managed to get all those pills in Calducci would probably have needed some help, right?”

  “Unless Calducci was already passed out,” Josie said. “Freddie said he had a ton of booze in his system.”

  “But why kill him now?” I said, taking a look around the condo area to make sure all the dogs were settled in comfortably.

  “Maybe it was the cumulative effect,” Josie said. “All those years of bad history certainly must have taken their toll.”

  “Yeah, and maybe the opportunity just presented itself,” I said.

  “I can definitely see the widow as a suspect,” Josie said.

  “Yeah, maybe,” I said, already second-guessing myself.

  Josie snorted.

  “Unbelievable,” she said. “One minute ago, she was on the top of your list.”

  “I know,” I said. “But it’s way too early. We haven’t even talked with any of Calducci’s business associates. Not to mention tracking down Fatal Franny.”

  “I hate to argue with you, Suzy, but wouldn’t have Fatal Franny just shot him?”

  “Maybe,” I said. “But Calducci overdosing on booze and pills would certainly keep the focus off her, right?”

  “Yeah, it probably would,” she conceded.

  “And let’s not forget Morrie the Meat Guy,” I said.

  “Oh, let’s not drag him into this,” Josie said. “He seems like such a sweet old man.”

  “A sweet old man with a criminal history and years of Calducci taking advantage of him,” I said, raising an eyebrow.

  “So, you’re saying we’ve got more work to do?” Josie said, laughing.

  “Oh, yeah,” I said, nodding.

  “Suzy, if this turns out to be nothing more than an accident or suicide, I’m going to get very cranky,” Josie said.

  “Thanks for the warning. But it’s not a suicide,” I said.

  I stared at the far wall deep in thought. I was brought back by the familiar mouse-like crinkle of foil being unwrapped.

  “You want a bite-sized?” Josie said, extending the bag toward me.

  “Maybe just a small handful, thanks.”

  Chapter 9

  Even though Jimmy Calducci had left Clay Bay at an early age, he had decided at some point in life to be buried in the town where he’d been born. As such, Josie and I found ourselves standing outside St. Benedictine’s waiting for my mother to find the perfect parking spot. It needed to be a shady spot, and one that would provide other people with the chance to notice her arrival and marvel at how good she looked. But it couldn’t be too far away where she’d be forced to work up a sweat on her stroll toward the church.

  Not that my mother would ever admit to being that calculating. It was just one of those personality quirks that became intuitive to a daughter as time passed.

  But I had to admit that she looked fantastic.

  And stayed dry.

  “Hello, darling,” she said, bussing my cheek. “Thanks for coming. I don’t think I could have gotten through this all by myself.” She hugged and kissed Josie. “Hello, dear.”

  “Hi, Mrs. C.,” Josie said. “Sorry to hear about Mr. Calducci.”

  “Yes, it’s tragic,” she said, blinking back tears. “Despite all his considerable flaws, Jimmy was a good man.”

  Out of respect for the deceased, I kept my opinions about the dead gangster to myself and nodded.

  “Sure, sure,” I said, then gestured toward the front door of the church. “Shall we go inside?”

  My mother nodded, and Josie and I each took one of her arms on the way up the steps. I waited for my mother to step through the open doors then paused at the entrance.

  “Worried about bursting into flames?” Josie whispered.

  “Maybe a little. It�
��s been a while since I’ve been here,” I whispered, as I moved to one side to let other people walk past me.

  “Tell me about it,” Josie whispered. “My mother would kill me if she knew how long it’s been since I’ve been to Mass.”

  “Do you think any of the rules have changed?” I whispered.

  “I don’t think so,” Josie said, frowning. “But who knows? Look, if we just stick to the basics, we should be fine.”

  “I’m going to need a little clarification,” I said, waving to a couple of friends on their way inside.

  “Pay close attention during the stand, sit, kneel parts of the service, and don’t chug the wine,” Josie said.

  I stifled a laugh and followed her to a pew my mother had commanded near the back of the church. Nervous, and feeling completely out of my element, I patted my mother’s knee in a show of comfort and took a look around. Dozens of people I didn’t know were scattered throughout the church, and I assumed they were business associates of Calducci from out of town. At the far end of a pew near the back of the church, I noticed Morrie the Meat Guy sitting quietly by himself. In the front row, I saw Dot and Pee Wee sitting next to each other in an otherwise empty pew. Dot had her sunglasses on, and Pee Wee was wearing a tailored suit that must have been fitted before his more recent rounds of steroids and gym work.

  “Is it my imagination, or does Pee Wee look even bigger today?” I said, nudging Josie.

  “Yeah, he’s a bruiser,” Josie said. “You know, one time when I was in vet school, I had a date with a guy who had muscles like that.”

  “You’re joking, right?” I said, glancing at her.

  “It was a blind date,” she whispered, then frowned as she searched her memory bank. “I think he played lacross. Or one of those other sports you get to hit people with a stick.”

  “How was it?”

  “About what you might expect,” Josie said. “Once we got past hello, we pretty much ran out of things to talk about.”

  “Your basic; nice house, nobody home?” I said, laughing loud enough to get a glare out of my mother.

  “Exactly,” Josie said, laughing.

  “Ladies, please. Show some respect for the dead,” my mother whispered through clenched teeth.

  “Sorry, Mom,” I said. “Should I add that one to my list of sins I need to confess?”

  “You don’t need to worry about going to confession, darling.”

  “Really? Why not?”

  “Because I really don’t want to sit here all day and have to wait for you,” my mother said, giving me a small smile.

  “Funny,” I said.

  “Sorry, I’m late, folks.”

  We glanced up at the mayor who was sliding into our pew. He worked his way past Josie and me, then sat down on the other side of my mother.

  “Hello, Howard,” my mother said, giving him a crocodile smile. “It’s so nice to see our mayor finally make an appearance.”

  “Did I miss anything?” he said, ignoring my mother’s crack and nodding hello at us.

  “No. But I thought you were coming to the viewing last night,” my mother said.

  “I got tied up at the pharmacy, then I had a few things to take care of down at town hall,” Howard said, glancing around the church. “Good crowd. But I bet most of them are here just to make sure he’s really dead.”

  I chuckled under my breath. But it still garnered another glare from my mother.

  “Howard,” my mother said, elbowing him. “Stop that. Show some respect.”

  “Sorry,” Howard said, grinning at me.

  “Any luck finding out who might have robbed your place, Howard?” I whispered.

  “No,” he said, shaking his head. “Jackson said that whoever did it knew what they were doing. No prints of any kind. They pretty much cleaned out my drug supplies.”

  “That really sucks, Howard,” I said. “Sorry to hear that.”

  “Shhh,” my mother said, squeezing my knee.

  “Ow,” I whispered, as I squirmed away from her vice-like grip. “Geez, Mom. That hurt.”

  “It’s supposed to hurt,” my mother said as she casually glanced around the church.

  Pee Wee could learn a few things from my mother about inflicting pain.

  A priest I didn’t recognize began the service, and I tried to follow the crowd as they effortlessly followed the ritual. I felt like a teenager at a school dance who was trying to fake her way through the latest dance craze, and at one point I found myself kneeling while the rest of the congregation was already sitting back in their seats. Embarrassed, I eased myself back into a sitting position trying to appear casual while doing it.

  Josie stifled a snort, and I glared at her.

  “Smooth,” she whispered.

  “Shut up,” I said.

  “Good advice,” my mother said, glaring at me. “Take it.”

  After the mass, several people offered testimonials to the man known as Jimmy Calducci. Most were reverent, some were funny, while others included details about the dead man that were completely lost on me. The air conditioning wasn’t doing its job, and I found myself starting to nod off a few times. Fortunately, my mother was sitting next to me, and her sharp elbow kept me awake, if not entirely alert.

  Calducci’s widow gave a short tribute to her husband and thanked everyone for coming. When she finished, I assumed that the service was over and started thinking about lunch. I was halfway out of my seat when Josie nudged me, and I sat back down and followed her eyes. A woman slowly approached the altar, and the priest stared at her. Initially, he took a few steps back to give her room as she got closer. Then it appeared he wanted to get as far away as he could and walked to the far end of the altar and sat down staring off into the distance.

  “Think the priest might be worried about getting caught in the crossfire?” Josie whispered.

  “Yeah, if he could get away with it, he’d be sitting in the vestibule,” I whispered.

  “Will you two please stop?” my mother said, but unable to stifle a giggle.

  I watched as Fatal Franny, wearing a short black skirt with matching jacket, faced the crowd. If it weren’t for the slight bulge I noticed under her jacket, she could have easily passed for a corporate executive.

  “She’s packing in church?” I whispered.

  “Maybe she was having trouble accessorizing all that black,” Josie whispered.

  Fatal Franny tugged her lapels back into place, stood behind the podium, and gripped it tightly with both hands. She gave the entire congregation a menacing glare before she started speaking without notes.

  “I know that Jimmy would have appreciated all of you for coming today to show your respect,” Fatal Franny said in a flat, clipped tone. “I also want to thank all of you for being here. And I especially want to thank one very special individual. And that’s the person who did this to Jimmy. Because I know you’re here, and I have something very specific I want to say. And I want to make sure you hear it directly from me just so we’re clear.”

  I didn’t think it was possible for a silent room to get even quieter, but it did. And Fatal Franny let the silence throughout the church hang like a shroud over the entire congregation before continuing.

  “Jimmy was a great man,” she said, quietly. “A great man. And none of you will ever know all of the things he did for other people in his life. None of you will ever know him like I did.”

  Fatal Franny fixed a glare directly on Calducci’s widow in the front row and held it for several seconds. I couldn’t see the expression on Dot’s face, but I was pretty sure it must have been a blend of fear and a deep concern about bladder control. Fatal Franny eventually refocused her stare on the congregation and, like everyone else in the church, I was convinced she was looking directly at me.

  “That is one scary woman,” I whispered.

  “Yeah,” Howard said, leaning closer to me. “But there’s something about her that’s really appealing.”

  “Howard, please don�
��t tell me you’ve got the hots for that hit woman,” my mother whispered.

  “No, it’s not that,” he whispered. “Well, maybe it is. She’s a good looking woman.”

  “Unbelievable,” my mother said.

  Josie leaned over in front of me and looked at Howard.

  “Just remember one thing, Howard,” Josie said.

  “What’s that?”

  “Don’t cheat on her,” Josie deadpanned.

  My mother and I laughed along with several people sitting close enough to hear our exchange. Fatal Franny heard the noise and glared in our direction. We settled back into our seats, red-faced.

  “I want to speak directly to the person who took Jimmy from us. And, yes, I am certain that you are here with all of us today. Perhaps you’re here because, if you weren’t, it would look suspicious. Or you’re here because of some weird need for closure. Or maybe you needed to witness firsthand the results of your work.”

  Fatal Franny paused one more time for effect and glanced around the church with her perfected menacing glare.

  “Whatever the reason, you can rest assured about one simple fact. I am going to hunt you down. And I am going to make you pay for what you’ve done.”

  Then Fatal Franny left the podium, walked down the steps, then slowly made her way down the center aisle, her footsteps echoing the entire way until she departed through the front door. The priest offered another thank you and a quick final prayer, then disappeared through a door at the back of the altar.

  “Wow,” Josie said, standing up. “A funeral and a death threat. That’s a first.”

  “You don’t think she was just trying to deflect attention from herself as a possible suspect, do you?” I said.

  “I guess anything’s possible,” Josie said, shrugging. “But in the interest of personal safety, I’m going to take her at her word.”

  “Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Good call. After all that, I think lunch at C’s is called for.”

  “I could eat.”

  “How about you guys?” I said to Howard and my mother. “You feel like joining us? I’m buying.”

  “How could I refuse an offer to have lunch with three beautiful women?” Howard said, giving us a slight bow.

  “That’s great, Howard,” Josie deadpanned. “But don’t get your hopes up. None of us are packing today.”