The Case of the Eccentric Elkhound

by B R Snow

  Recently my mother was selected by the Town Council to serve out the remaining term of our former mayor who was about to go on trial for murder. It’s her second term as our mayor, a post she hated but performed well during her first time in office. Her second go around has seemed to heighten her distaste for the position, but she continues to take it seriously. And as mayor, her responsibilities for making sure this year’s version of the Parade of Pirates is successful and goes off without a hitch are deep and wide.

  In preparation for this year’s event, my mother, undoubtedly as retaliation for my constant needling about her being back in office, selected Josie and me as new members of the planning committee. And while I had now learned my lesson about making too many wisecracks about her position in her presence, I had learned it too late. And Josie and I had forced to sit through a multitude of lengthy meetings debating, often in mind-numbing detail, a variety of mundane items and tasks. Items such as the right shade of black for this year’s banners and cocktail napkins, how much to pay for the Jolly Roger hats everyone would be expected to wear, and ongoing town issues like parking and the temporary waiving of open container restrictions.

  And when the question of additional activities had come up, my mother had suggested that Josie and I should figure out some way to get our dogs involved. We’d come up with the Parade of Dogs idea soon after that, and since then I’d been determined to prove to my mother that our dogs, under the direction of Chloe, could navigate the mile-long parade route without the benefit of either leases or human handlers. That issue had been a major and often heated topic of debate for weeks. But my mother had held firm, and we’d been forced to amend our plans by incorporating local schoolkids in the parade. Each kid would be responsible for one dog each. And each dog, per my mother’s adamant instructions, would be on a leash. I’d finally relented but was going ahead with my plan to demonstrate to her just how wrong she was.

  As such, I checked my watch again and wondered what was keeping her.

  “That smells incredible,” Josie said, glancing over at the barbecue where Sammy was continuing to grill copious amounts of food.

  “Don’t even think about it,” I said, laughing. “We’ll eat after all the kids get here.”

  “Fine,” Josie said, folding her arms across her chest. Then she glanced out at the driveway. “There she is.”

  “Fashionably late,” I said. “What a surprise.”

  My mother waved as she hopped down from her new vehicle, a black German SUV with tinted windows she’d picked up soon after she’d taken office. She said that the tinted windows were to keep the sunlight out, but I was pretty sure she merely wanted to preserve whatever shred of personal privacy that remained. Being the mayor of a small town wasn’t necessarily a public office that came with a lot of trappings, but it certainly did attract the attention of local residents. And the ongoing issues associated with traffic and noise, zoning, and garbage collection were already testing her patience.

  I watched her stroll across the lawn, and she seemed tired. But she looked great, and she smiled and waved again at us as she got closer.

  “Hello, darling,” she said, frowning glancing around at all the dogs and the yellow police tape. “Have I stumbled on another crime scene?”

  “Funny, Mom. No, I just thought I’d try one more time to convince you.”

  “Not this again, darling. I’ve got a to-do list a mile long, and I really don’t want to have that conversation again.”

  “All you have to do is sit and watch what I’m about to show you,” I said, whistling sharply once.

  Chloe immediately cocked her head and stared at me.

  “Get the gang, Chloe. Yellow tape.”

  Chloe immediately started to herd the dogs into place behind Captain and Tiny. Soon, a long line of dogs had formed, and I whistled again. Chloe began herding the dogs between the two lines of tape.

  “Isn’t that amazing, Mom?”

  “That’s actually quite impressive, darling,” my mother said, nodding.

  We watched in silence as Chloe urged the dogs through the tape that resembled the route they would take during the parade. When the dogs executed the first ninety-degree turn to perfection, my mother laughed and smiled at me.

  “Well done, darling. And can I ask how many hours it took you to teach Chloe how to do that?”

  “A couple,” I said, shrugging.

  Josie snorted but didn’t comment after she caught the glare I was giving her.

  All three of us glanced back out at the play area where Chloe was barking commands at the large collection of dogs. Amazingly, they were lined up two to a row and walking in a relatively straight line. They executed the second turn and headed back toward us.

  “You know, Mrs. C. I understand your concerns,” Josie said. “But I’m not sure we need to have them on leashes.”

  “Oh, they’ll be on leashes all right,” my mother said, continuing to stare out at the dogs. “All the town needs is for one of your dogs to bite a tourist. After all the recent events, the last thing we need is a lawsuit.”

  I knew she was referring to the recent rash of murders the town had been experiencing, but she and the town council had made the conscious decision to refer to them as the recent events. There was no sense scaring the tourists if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.

  “Mom, if one of our dogs did happen to bite somebody, I’m sure they would have deserved it.”

  “Yes, darling. I’m sure they would,” she said, yawning. “But I really don’t feel like trying to win that argument with a bunch of lawyers.”

  She gave me the look that said end of discussion, and I let it go.

  “What’s the meaning of all the food?” my mother said. “Even you two couldn’t come close to eating all that.”

  “All the kids who volunteered to be dog walkers are coming by for a practice session. We thought the least we could do was feed them.”

  “That’s very sweet, darling. Now don’t forget, you’ll all need to be in the parking lot near the town dock by two. The dog parade starts at 2:30 sharp.”

  “Yes, Mom,” I said, rolling my eyes at Josie. “So you’ve said at least a dozen times.”

  “Don’t get snarky, darling. You’re the one who came up with the parade idea in the first place. And you were also the one who insisted we do it in the afternoon of Day Two.”

  “Well, we can’t do it around the time of the pirate invasion. All that cannon and musket fire would scare the dogs to death. And we can’t do it right before the fireworks for the same reason.”

  “Yes, I know all of that, darling. That’s why we decided to do it on Day Two.”

  “No, Mom. Josie and I decided it should be on the second day. You agreed just so you’d have another event to keep people in town and get them into the shops and bars and restaurants.

  “Nonsense, darling. I would never agree to anything that might upset your dogs,” my mother said, casually waving off the notion.

  “Mom, we were at the planning meeting, remember?”

  “Be that as it may, darling, your dogs are going to be the featured attractions. I would have thought you’d be happy about that,” my mother, her voice rising a notch.

  “I’m delighted, Mom. All I did was point out the simple fact about why we’re having the parade when we are.”

  My mother removed her sunglasses and cleaned the lenses with a handkerchief. In the process, she also managed to give me one of her patented looks. This one fell somewhere between you’re wasting my time and why are you being so difficult. It was one of her best.

  “It seems like a minor distinction, darling. But if you feel compelled to disagree, so be it,” she said, putting her sunglasses back on.

  “Mom, why do I feel like I’ve taken a beating even after I’ve won an argument with you?

  “You didn’t win anything, darling. At best, I might consider calling it a draw. But it’s better than most people do,” she said, winking at me.


  Then she was startled when Captain came up behind her chair and nuzzled her arm to say hello. Not normally a dog person, she had developed a soft spot for Josie’s Newfie who had recently hit one hundred pounds and was still growing. My mother reached down and rubbed the massive dog’s head with both hands.

  “What on earth is that thing Captain has around his neck?

  “It’s a keg of rum,” Josie said, laughing. “Yo, ho, ho and all that, right?”

  “Nice touch,” my mother said, laughing along. “I’ll probably need a few belts from that myself. You mentioned something about a raffle?”

  “Yeah, we came up with the idea the other night. We were looking for another way to promote our rescue program, so we’ll be selling tickets, just like you would at a racetrack. Before the parade, people will be able to get a good look at all the dogs in the parking lot, and each dog will be wearing a number. People who buy tickets will be able to select Win, Place, and Show. Or pick the Exacta or Trifecta. And everyone at the parade will be given a ballot to vote on their favorite three dogs. And we’ll split the money across all the winning tickets.”

  “So it’s a fundraiser. How much do you expect to make?”

  Josie and I glanced at each other and shrugged.

  “Nothing. We’re going to award all the money,” I said. “The main thing is that a couple thousand people will have the chance to see all the dogs. We’re hoping for at least a dozen adoptions.”

  “It sounds wonderful, darling,” she said, turning toward Josie. “And will we see you at the parade, dear?”

  Josie frowned.

  “Of course, Mrs. C. Why wouldn’t I be there?”

  “Well, since you and Summerman have become quite the item, I thought the two of you might be otherwise preoccupied.”

  Josie turned a shade of crimson I hadn’t seen before, and I started laughing along with my mother. Josie found it less than funny. Josie’s new boyfriend was a famous musician who owned an island in the area and often spent time there during the summer. He and Josie had met briefly at the end of last summer, but had reconnected this year when Summerman returned. Josie had been without a boyfriend for quite a while and was certainly doing everything she could to make up for lost time.

  “Relax, dear,” my mother deadpanned. “I’m just happy that the two of you have made such a connection.”

  “Now I see where your daughter gets all her wit and charm,” Josie deadpanned. “Not to mention her considerable skill at getting under someone’s skin.”

  “We do have our moments,” my mother said, smiling at me. “Will Summerman be at the parade?”

  “Yes, he certainly will,” Josie said, smiling.

  “Good,” my mother said. “I need to speak to him about playing at my party. He’s so incredibly talented. But look who I’m talking to about how good Summerman is. I’m sure you’ve already figured that out all by yourself.”

  “Mrs. C.?”

  “Yes, dear?” my mother said, doing her best to hide her smile.

  “Shut up.”