"I know, you've been through a lot," Sarah said carefully. "You have to keep going, Nicole. You've only got one life and this is it. Don't let Paul hold you back any longer. Of course you'll need to take time to grieve the loss of your old life and love, but I promise you that this will pass."She put her hand on Nicole's for a moment. Somehow, Nicole felt better. She didn't know if it was the effects of the alcohol or the kindness from her new friend, but she began to sense the dark cloud lifting.
"You still haven't answered my question," Sarah said as she lit up another cigarette.
"What's my passion in life? I don't know. I like yoga and keeping fit. I liked my job as a journalist," Nicole struggled to find an answer as the other woman scrutinised her face.
"I'm hearing a few likes, but no loves. Did those things fill with you passion?" Sarah persisted.
"Do you jump out of bed in the morning and think, "I can't wait for my yoga class later" or "I can't wait to go to work today.""
"No, not really," Nicole looked bemused by Sarah's questions.
Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise that your life as you knew it is well and truly over," Sarah said.
Nicole gasped. "My life is ruined!" she exclaimed. "I've lost my fiance and my home and my whole lifestyle. I've moved in with my baby sister and to top everything off I don't even have a job."
"Why don't you look on the positive side?" Sarah suggested, not even flinching at Nicole's high-pitched tone.
"What positive side?" Nicole spat out the words. "How can there be a positive side to the disaster that is my life! Please, enlighten me."
"May I speak freely?" Sarah asked, cocking her head to one side and looking at Nicole thoughtfully. "I thought you were already speaking freely!" Nicole replied, wondering what Sarah would possibly say next.
"Well, I like to speak my mind," Sarah explained.
"You don't say," Nicole said sarcastically.
Sarah ignored her sarcasm and continued. "I've been holding back a little as I didn't want to make a bad first impression on you. Some people say that I can be too forthright and they mistake my bluntness as rudeness, which is not my intention at all. Your sister is one of my dearest friends. She has been very kind to me over the past few years. I was going through a rough patch in my life and Ev was the only person who I could count on completely. It would mean a lot to me if you and I could be friends too and it would be a pleasure if I can help you in anyway."
"Oh," Nicole relented as she could see the softness and earnestness in the other woman's face. "I'd like us to be friends," she said quietly. "Lord knows I need all the good people around me that I can find."
"Let me buy you another drink then," Sarah smiled, "to seal our friendship."
Nicole laughed. "Sure, I could do with another one." Nicole stayed outside while Sarah went to get their drinks.
“Cheers,” Nicole and Sarah clinked glasses in a toast to their new-found friendship. They sat in easy silence, sipping their drinks and casually eavesdropping on the conversations of those around them.
“Sarah, what were you going to say to me earlier?” Nicole asked. She was feeling much more relaxed now; a combination of the alcohol and being outside in the fresh air. She was beginning to enjoy Sarah's company too. She made a refreshing change to her usual circle of friends. Sarah was genuinely interesting. She'd travelled extensively and was full of stories about the different people she'd met and the places she'd seen. She was a down-to-earth, easygoing, soulful person.
“Well, I was saying that maybe you should look on your wedding disaster as a chance for a new start in life. You can leave your old baggage behind and start afresh. Instead of looking on it as a disaster why don't you turn it upside down and see it as an opportunity. It's not often that we get the chance in life to start again. You should try to relax a little and open your mind. It's amazing what can happen when we just let go.”
“Maybe,” Nicole said slowly.
“Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about you for a while. What's your passion in life?” Nicole asked, turning the tables on her friend.
“My passion is travelling,” Sarah answered quickly. “I live to travel. Life is about the people we meet and the experiences we have along the way. I love immersing myself in another culture; learning a new language and getting to know their traditions, which is why I love my job. I teach English as a foreign language. It gives me the freedom to travel the world.”
"How can you be so brave?" Nicole asked.
"Well, you're not the only one who's had a major let-down," Sarah said slowly.
Nicole's eyes widened with curiosity. She liked nothing more than a good gossip.
"My boyfriend dumped me too," Sarah continued.
"Oh," Nicole sounded disappointed. She expected some sort of a serious revelation from her new friend.
"He left me for another man," Sarah said in a totally deadpan voice.
"He did not!" Nicole exclaimed.
"It gets better," Sarah replied. "I heard on the grapevine that the two lovebirds are planning on adopting a baby together."
"Ok, I think you win," Nicole conceded.
"We broke up five years ago and that's when I decided to grab life and travel the world. I read somewhere once that getting lost is often the best way to find yourself again."
“Wow,” Nicole smiled. “I like that philosophy. I might make it my new mantra, if you don't mind."
"I don't mind at all," Sarah smiled.
"You're very brave," Nicole said. "I don't know how I'd cope with the uncertainty of travelling by myself. I've always planned every last detail of my life.”
“You're missing the point, Nicole. It's when you stop planning every last detail that you discover the fun in life. I think it may be time for a change, my friend. Who knows what might happen when you just let go.”
Chapter 4
“You're up early.” Evette yawned widely as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and perched herself on a kitchen chair.
“Would you like a coffee?” Nicole asked.
“Yes, please, I'm still exhausted from last night. What time did you get up?”
“I've been up since six,” Nicole replied as she stirred two large spoons of coffee into the cafetiere.
“Six A.M.!” her sister exclaimed. “We didn't get to bed until well after two.”
“I know. I couldn't sleep. I found it hard to switch off from the conversation I had with Sarah last night. I feel really motivated after my chat with her."
"I'm glad," Evette said as she spooned sugar into her coffee.
"Sarah has opened my eyes. I need to discover my passion in life. I'm tired of obsessing about every last detail. This is my life. I only get one chance at it and I want to do something that I love. Doing the right thing most of the time clearly hasn't gotten me very far in life. I need to change.”
“Ok,” Evette blinked as she tried to digest what her sister was saying. Her head was beginning to ache from the hangover that was lingering behind her eyes.
“You look like you're having an information overload,” Nicole laughed at her sister's tired face.
“Slightly, but I'm really happy to see how motivated you are, Nicole. I know what you've been through has been horrendous but you've been in a bad state for the past while and to be honest I was starting to worry about you.” She took a large gulp of her coffee and waited for her sister's reaction. The two sisters had never really shared their innermost thoughts and feelings before and Evette didn't know how her sister would react to her words.
“Well, my pity party is well and truly over,” Nicole said with determination in her voice. “I have to start picking up the pieces of my life at some point. It might as well be sooner rather than later. I'm done wasting my time and emotion on Paul. He's not worth it. I'm going over to the apartment later today to pick up my belongings. I can only wear your clothes for so long and no offence, sis, but the bohemian look isn't really my style.”
“I agree. You ha
ve to have flair to be able to carry off my fashion statements.” Evette looked Nicole up and down as she stood in front of her dressed in a long, flowing skirt with a wide pashmina draped around her shoulders. She couldn't help suppressing a smirk at how awkward her sister seemed.“Do you want me to come with you to Paul's apartment?”
“No thanks, sis, I think I'll be ok. It's probably best that I go alone. I hope Simone isn't there. I really couldn't stand seeing the two of them together, not yet anyway.”
“I don't think even Paul would have the audacity to have moved her in already, would he?” Evette asked doubtfully.
“I really don't know, Ev. I thought I knew Paul but clearly I never really knew him at all.” A look of sadness flashed momentarily across Nicole's face.
“We'll get through this together sis, I promise you.” Evette squeezed her sister's arm encouragingly. “I want you to know that you're not alone and I'm here for you, no matter what happens.”
Nicole's eyes filled with tears and she threw her arms around her sister. Evette was startled by her uncustomary display of affection, but she managed to hug her back. “Are you sure you don't mind having me stay here with you?” Nicole asked.“I hope I'm not invading your space too much by suddenly gate-crashing your life.”
“You can invade and gate-crash for as long as you want. I'm really enjoying your company. It's nice to have someone else rattling around the apartment. It saves me talking to myself.”
"I'm very grateful for your help and kindness, sis. I don't know what I would have done without you," Nicole said tearfully.
"You're more than welcome. It's an unexpected pleasure to have you here with me."
"Anyway, what time are you heading over to see the apartment?" Evette asked, changing the subject. It was too early in the morning for so much sisterly love.
"I'll probably go after breakfast. I might as well get it over and done with and hopefully I can start moving on with my life." Nicole poured them another steaming mug of strong, black coffee and handed her sister a big plate of scrambled eggs on toast.
"Mmm, my favourite," Evette savoured the delicious smell of fried onions and egg. "I hadn't realised I was so hungry," she said as she wolfed down her food. "I wish I could cook like you. You must have inherited mom's culinary skills and I got dad's. I can't even fry sausages. They usually end up burnt on the outside and raw on the inside."
Nicole laughed. "It's all about timing," she said. "The trick is to stay calm and take it nice and slow. I learned a lot from watching mom in the kitchen and when I moved in with Paul I bought a huge old-fashioned cookery book. I simply follow the recipe exactly and most of the time it tends to work."
"I should get ready," Nicole said when they'd finished eating.
"What on earth shall I wear? Paul's going to get a shock if I turn up in one of your outfits. He'll probably think that I've joined a commune!"
"Good," Evette replied. "Let him be shocked. Who cares what that sad loser thinks of you now anyway?"
"I suppose you're right," Nicole agreed.
"I feel very nervous suddenly." Evette looked at her sister. She'd turned very pale. "My stomach is turning over."
"I'm coming with you," Evette said forcefully.
"Are you sure you don't mind?"
"Of course I don't mind. You need all the support you can get right now, besides, what else are sisters for?"
Chapter 5
"This is it," Nicole said as she paused outside the apartment that she used to share with Paul. "I'm afraid to knock." She felt panicky and desperately wanted to run away.
"I'll do it," and with that Evette was knocking loudly on the front door.
Several minutes later Paul swung it open. Nicole gasped when she saw his appearance. He looked as bad as she felt. His hair was limp and greasy and he smelled as if he hadn't showered in days. This was a man who used to spend longer than Nicole getting ready in the morning! He'd agonise in the mirror over every spike in his gelled hair, primping and teasing it until he got every strand perfected. Now, his face was deathly pale under his thick stubble. He had dark circles under his eyes and his clothes were hanging from his body. He seemed to have lost a lot of weight.
"Nicole!" Paul exclaimed. He sounded genuinely happy to see her.
"We've come to collect my sister's belongings," Evette announced curtly as she stepped forward.
"Ok. I see. Of course," Paul stumbled over the words.
Nicole turned to her sister. "Ev, do you mind if I have some time alone with Paul?" she asked.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I think we need to have a chat in private."
"Ok, I'll wait in the car. Call me if you need me and I'll come straight back." She glared pointedly at Paul as she turned on her heel and left the two of them standing alone in the corridor.
"May I come in?" Nicole asked gently. She was shocked by her ex-fiance's appearance.
"Yes, sure, come in."
Nicole was even more stunned when she entered the apartment and saw the state of the place. The curtains were only half-open which made the apartment appear dark and gloomy. There were beer cans and wine bottles strewn across the floor and half-empty boxes of stale pizza were piled high on the coffee table. The living room wreaked of cigarettes and smelly socks.
She turned her attention to the kitchen which was in an even worse mess than the living room. There were dirty dishes piled high in the sink and the rubbish bin in the corner was full to overflowing. Her heart sank. She'd always had such pride in the apartment and had kept it in pristine condition and now it was a filthy mess.
"Would you like some tea?" Paul asked quietly as he tried to wash some dirty cups in the overflowing sink.
"Yes, please, tea would be nice," Nicole answered quickly.
She couldn't believe that their relationship had come down to this; an exchange of polite pleasantries. Less than a month ago they'd been madly in love. They'd had a few arguments in recent months, mostly about the wedding plans, but they'd still been sleeping in the same bed, well, most nights anyway. She had dismissed the air of tension between them as wedding nerves. Every couple experienced bad patches and weddings were notoriously one of the most stressful times in any couple's life. They were planning their wedding and looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together. Well, she'd been looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together. He'd clearly had other plans.
He'd been her best friend in the whole world and he'd hurt her very badly. She felt sad when she looked at him now. She missed his smile and his touch, but most of all she missed her best friend. The familiar lump was beginning to rise in her throat but she willed herself to hold it together and swallowed hard to stop herself from crying. She didn't want to cry in front of him. She didn't want him to let him know how much he'd hurt her, how he'd ruined her life.
Nicole opened the living room curtains to let some light into the apartment. Then she cleared some empty beer cans from one end of the sofa and carefully perched at the other end. Paul kept himself busy in the kitchen while he waited for the kettle to boil.
"There you go," he said as he finally passed her a cup of tea in her favourite cup.
"Thanks," she said shortly. She suddenly felt very tired and was starting to wish that she'd never come or that she'd asked her sister to collect her possessions. The silence between them was palpable. Nicole wracked her brain for something, anything, to say to him. She had so many questions to ask, but didn't know where to start. The intense anger that she'd felt had suddenly dissipated and now she felt tired and drained. She had an overwhelming longing to climb into bed, cover her head with the duvet and sleep for a very long time, or at least until she started to feel human again.
Paul glanced at her sadly over the rim of his tea cup. "You look different," he said, attempting a weak smile as he took in her bohemian clothes.
"I borrowed these from Ev," she explained, smoothing out the wrinkles in her long skirt.
"They sui
t you," he said.
They continued drinking their tea, neither of them knowing what to say to the other. Eventually, Nicole stood up. "I suppose I'd better pack," she said, heading towards the bedroom.
"Do you need a hand?" Paul asked.
"I think I'll manage." She was relieved to get away from him. She had lots of things that she'd planned to say to him, but she couldn't seem to find the words. He seemed sad and pathetic and instead of being angry she felt sorry for him.
Nicole approached their bedroom with some trepidation. She dreaded seeing some trace of Simone in her old home. She opened the bedroom door cautiously and scanned the room for any evidence of Simone or some other woman. There was no evidence of any woman ever having slept there. She exhaled a deep sigh of relief. Paul's clothes were strewn around the floor and she was shocked to see an empty whiskey bottle by the bed. She shook herself. "He's not my problem anymore," she thought. She opened the bedroom window and breathed in the cool, crisp autumn air. Then she grabbed her suitcases from the huge sliding wardrobe and began to pack.
"I'm sorry."
Nicole was so engrossed in her thoughts that she hardly heard Paul's whisper from the door. She glanced up and saw him standing there.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, watching her with an imploring expression on his face. His eyes were red. She knew that he'd been crying. He seemed so alone that it was all she could do to restrain herself from running to him and hugging him. She desperately wanted to tell him that everything would work out fine in the end, like she'd always told him before, but she couldn't do it to herself, not this time, not after everything he'd put her through. She deserved more than him. He'd broken the trust between them beyond repair, but what was worse than everything else was that she didn't think that she'd ever be able to forgive him.
"Sorry." She repeated his words slowly, deliberately enunciating each letter, as if she was trying to figure out what the word actually meant. Anger burned inside her until she finally erupted. "I'm sorry too, Paul. I'm sorry that you cheated on me with my so-called friend. I'm sorry that you dumped me at the altar on my wedding day. I'm sorry that you publicly humiliated me in front of our family and friends. I'm sorry that you ruined my entire life." The angry knot in the pit of her stomach was starting to unfold. Paul stood there, staring at her, opening and closing his mouth. He looked like a fish out of water.
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