“You might as well just drop your weapons now,” said Sir Eldrick. “Captain Ripps has lost, and soon it will be you who are in chains.”
“Shut your mouth, queen shagger,” said the pirate across from him.
Another guard sneered and spit on the floor. “If anyone but the captain comes through that door, we shoot.”
Murland glanced at Sir Eldrick, but the knight did not look concerned.
“If anyone but the captain comes down those stairs,” said Sir Eldrick as he slowly eyed them all in turn, “then it means your side has lost. The elves will spare your lives; they are not pirates.”
Just then, heavy footsteps came from the hallway. The pirates glanced at each other before taking aim at the companions’ hearts.
“You don’t want to do that…” Sir Eldrick warned.
The footsteps drew closer.
“Don’t be no nannywiggins,” said Willow.
“Captain?” a guard called, but if it was Ripps approaching, he did not answer.
Murland waited for the longest ten seconds of his life, and to his delight, Brannon appeared in the doorway. “It is over,” he said to the guards as Gibrig stepped in front of him with shield raised. “Drop your weapons and live to sail another day…or die.”
The pirates all glanced to the one who had done most of the talking, and he nodded at them and dropped his crossbow.
Elven soldiers rushed into the hold and proceeded to bind the pirates as Gibrig ran over to his friends and began smashing the chains with his big shield. Murland was freed first, and as soon as the shackles around his wrists gave way, he fell to the floor.
“I never thought I would be so happy to see you,” Sir Eldrick told Brannon with a grin.
“Oh, you know, I had nothing better to do than save a bunch of champions,” said Brannon with mock haughtiness. He gave them all a hug, even Akitla.
Starved as they were, the companions retrieved their weapons and packs and made their way to the Regina Maris, where Brannon instructed the cook to prepare food. They all washed up and were seated at his table shortly after. Murland thought that Brannon looked fatigued, what with the dark circles around his eyes and the pale, drawn look of his face. The elf kept dabbing his nose as well, which always left blood on the white embroidered handkerchief.
“I’m so sorry that I could not reach you sooner,” said Brannon between long pulls of rum—yet another thing that disturbed Murland, for the elf rarely drank more than a few fingers of spirits.
“If anyone should be sorry, it should be Murland,” said Willow as she stuffed her face with seared tuna. “He’s the one who refused to kill Zuul when we had the chance.”
“You had a chance to kill Zuul and you didn’t take it?” said Brannon with disbelief.
“Now don’t be startin’ in on him again,” said Gibrig.
“Thanks, Gib, but I think now that she might be right.” Murland gave a sigh. “I don’t know what to think anymore. Right is wrong, wrong is right. I feel like my mind has been shat out of the backside of a confused wildebeest. And to make matters worse, my wand has been stolen.”
“Pretty simple stuff,” said Willow. “When you get a chance to kill a dark lord, you do it. And you don’t put your trust in sorceress pirates.”
She seemed quite unaffected by the torture that they had all gone through, though Murland had listened to her whimper and cry out for hours the name of her daughter, Fern.
“Sssimple ssstuff indeed,” came a wet, throaty voice. The companions all glanced around as the lanterns dimmed and shadow bathed Brannon’s quarters.
“Great, Kazimir’s here,” said Willow, now crunching clam shells and lathering butter onto a biscuit.
“We’re here live,” said Rye-Rye, as Tuck hovered around the darkling wizard’s head.
Dingleberry was there as well, holding a long metal rod that housed a speaking stone at the end. “I’m the boom-boom!” she said to Willow happily.
Kazimir swatted the crystal out of the pixie’s grip, and it hit the wall and shattered. “You champions sure are a bunch of screw-ups, aren’t you?”
“Godsdammit, Kazimir,” said Sir Eldrick. “What do you want now?”
“Watch your tone, Slur Sirsalot. You had a chance to kill Zuul once and for all, but once again you screwed up. Shocker, right? Now, Zuul is stronger than ever. Witch Hazel was keeping him just sick enough to not be a threat, but you all had to go and piss on the grits again.”
“Yeti balls…” said Akitla, glaring at Kazimir with quickly frosting fists. “You were right about this one being a phallus.”
“Nice guys finish last, sister.” Kazimir spread his ghostly arms wide. “Welcome to Fallacetine.”
There was a sudden flash of light, and Rye-Rye gave a squeal. “Shut up-up. There’s breaking news-news.”
Everyone turned to the large wall as the pixies aimed another crystal at it, and an image appeared. In it, a pixie with a speaking stick hovered. Behind her, a large jade tower could be seen.
“Hey,” said Willow. “That looks like Day-Day.”
“Shhh,” said the pixies.
“Day-Day here, live-live for Fairy Vision with breaking news-news. A being claiming to be the Mother of Zuul has built a giant, er…tower in the Ruins of Agnar. As you can see-see, Magestrian and Vhalovian forces have been dispatched to challenge the horned baddy. Let’s see-see what happens.”
The camera turned to the action, and the companions watched with bated breath as the soldiers closed to within one hundred yards of the monolithic tower. Marching to meet them were thousands of green glowing skeletons.
“Is that…are those Wendels?” said Willow, and her surprise must have been great, for she stopped eating for a moment.
“Oh, great,” said Gibrig.
The human army advanced, and from the top of the glowing tower came the Mother of Zuul. Green lightning crackled and hissed all around the woman and child, who now looked to have become one. For their eyes glowed like twin jade embers, and their voices were many.
“Behold, worms of Fallacetine, the true power of the Mother of Zuul!”
Lightning erupted from Ravenwing’s wand—which happened to be the wand of Kazam—and hit the front line of human soldiers. The explosions kicked up dirt and charred bodies before continuing down the line mercilessly.
The human armies, not to be outdone, charged the skeletons and, for a time, easily tore through them with their leading cavalry. But the Mother of Zuul quickly descended on the hapless armies, and to the horror of the watching companions, bathed them all in jade flames.
When the smoke cleared, only the skeletons remained standing, but not for long…
The Mother of Zuul raised her four arms and bellowed into the ember-filled wind, “Surgite, mortui heroibus!”
To everyone’s shock and amazement, the dead and smoldering soldiers rose from their earthen graves, and their eyes glowed bright green.
The image turned to Day-Day, who looked to have been crying. “Behold, the true power of Zuul-Zuul. But-But, where are the Champ-Champs of the Dragon? Who will save-save us from this army of undead-dead?”
“You see,” said Kazimir as the image disappeared. “Your choices have doomed hundreds, and soon thousands more will be added to that number. I beseech you, Fools of the Dragon, repent now. Free my body from Azkatraz Island, and let me deal with Zuul once and for all.”
“We defeated Drak’Noir without your help,” said Willow as she slurped up bread pudding. “What makes you think we need you now?”
“As I recall, you had the help of not only the darklings, but over a hundred wizards and witches. And let us not forget about good old-fashioned luck. It is not every day that a god gives a dwarf a magic shield. And still, look how that turned out. True, you found a way to defeat me, and you defeated the dragon. But you left behind her damned portal, and now all of Fallacetine is in danger. Your pride has made you blind to the fact that everything you five touch turns to shit. Letting Zuul g
et away, and losing the wand of Kazam is a prime example.”
“We can’t free yer body, ye be too dangerous,” said Gibrig.
“I’m dangerous?” said Kazimir with indignation. “You lot have left a damned portal to another dimension opened. You have helped Zuul to merge with a sorceress. And now he has the wand that was broken. Thousands will die for what you have done. And what did I ever do? I kept a blasted dragon at bay for over two hundred years. Then you fools come along and screw it all up. You couldn’t just sacrifice yourselves for the good of many. Nooo, you had to be all heroic and shit, and here we are.”
Murland hated to hear it, but Kazimir made sense. He had been under the delusion that he and the others were champions, and he had forgotten that they were responsible for leaving the portal open. He was responsible for Zuul still being alive as well. And now, hundreds of good Magestrian and Vhalovian men had died.
“If we free you, do we have your word that you will stop Zuul, rather than once again taking him under your wing?” Murland asked.
“You aren’t really considering freeing him…are you?” said Brannon.
“What choice do we have?”
“That army o’ green Wendels look mean, and there be so many o’ them,” said Gibrig. “I sure hope they don’t attack the Iron Mountains as well.”
“They will spread across this land like a plague,” said Kazimir, his voice gravelly and low. “Your cities will burn, and Zuul will usher in an age of darkness. Once again, I beseech you. Do not make the same mistake. Set me free, and let me do what I have done for two centuries—keep Fallacetine safe.”
“What do you think, Sir Eldrick?” Murland asked, and everyone looked to him for guidance.
“Do you think that you can defeat Ravenwing and Zuul?” he asked Murland.
Murland didn’t have to think about it long. He bowed his head in shame. “No, I don’t think I could beat Ravenwing, let alone Zuul.”
“That’s what you thought about Drak’Noir,” said Brannon. “But in the end, we won.”
“Yes, we won, and it was Gibrig who discovered Drak’Noir’s weakness. I hardly did anything.”
“Awe, don’t so hard on yerself,” said Gibrig. “We all played an equal part in beatin’ the dragon.”
“Yeah, and you know that you are destined to beat Zuul,” Willow added.
“I may be destined to defeat Zuul,” said Murland. “But I am nowhere close to being ready to do so. I only studied under Hinckley for two weeks.”
“Then you understand that I am Fallacetine’s only hope?” said Kazimir.
Murland nodded reluctantly.
Sir Eldrick studied Kazimir for many moments before letting out a long sigh. “What choice do we really have? Kazimir will find someone to free his body. It is only a matter of time.”
“Then it is decided,” said Kazimir. “And I dare say it is the first smart decision you five have made together. Now, let’s get to work.”
Chapter 23
The Prison Job
Everyone stood around the table watching as Kazimir created a three-dimensional map of Azkatraz out of smoke. The prison resembled the small stony island that it sat upon. The island was barren but for the jutting slabs of gray rock that lay about like discarded dragon teeth. Azkatraz came to form in the smoke, which swirled upward to create a black, sharp-edged cube that sat upon one of its eight points. The two-hundred-foot-wide cube spun slowly, ominously.
“They are keeping me in the highest corner,” said Kazimir, pointing a translucent finger at the tip-top of the cube.
“And how in the hells are we supposed to get there?” said Brannon.
“There are many anti-portal wards about the prison, but I will teach Murland how to open the necessary transdimensional portal.”
“Transdi-whats-it?” said Willow, scratching a tusk.
“He’s gonna whoosh us there,” said Gibrig.
“Oh, now he can whoosh us there,” said Willow, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.
“Shut up and listen,” said Kazimir. “Getting there isn’t the hard part. Once there, you have to get past the hundreds of gargoyles that guard the place. Aside from those mindless brutes, there are dozens of witches and wizards on patrol as well.”
“I’m assuming that we will not be fighting our way in,” said Sir Eldrick.
“No, of course not. That is where the pixarazzi come in.”
“What-What?” said Rye-Rye, Tuck and Dingleberry in unison.
“You want us to fight-fight our way into the prison-jail?” said Dingleberry.
“Of course not. Shut up and listen,” said Kazimir. “Posing as a fairy documentary crew, you will explain that you are there to do a crystal picture about the prison. I will give you forged papers that will most likely gain you entry.”
“Most likely?” said Sir Eldrick.
“That’s what I said.”
“But, Kazimir,” said Murland. “If we are seen breaking you out of the prison, we’ll be wanted criminals.”
“Aren’t you listening? I said that you would be posing as a fairy documentary crew. I will teach you a spell that will give you all fairy wings. Now pay attention and quit interrupting. Once inside, the real fairies will continue with the hoax, while the rest of you sneak to my cell. There is an enchanted lock on the cell door, but I will teach you another spell to dismantle it. The hard part will be getting by the seeing crystal watching the inside of the cell. This crystal is not like any others, for it can see five minutes into the future. The prison guards monitor that cell at all times, and with the special crystal, they are able to see anything suspicious long before it happens and intervene accordingly.”
“What are you saying?” Sir Eldrick asked. “The alarm will sound five minutes before we get to the room, warning the guards of something that we haven’t even done yet?”
“Precisely.”
“Whoa,” said Willow reverently.
“How in the hell do we get around that?” Brannon protested.
“It is simple,” said Kazimir, turning to Murland. “Do you still have the invisibility potion that Gram gave you at the graduation party?”
“How did you know about that?”
“I know everything.”
Murland dug in one of his pouches and produced the vial of sparkling liquid.
“Excellent,” said Kazimir. “Once the potion has taken effect, you will break into the cell and very carefully place this image in front the crystal.” He produced a square of glossy paper with the image of a brightly lit cell. At the center of the cell lay his soulless body.
“Wow, that’s some good magix,” said Willow, staring in wonder at the picture. “How did you get that?”
“With a Polaroid.”
“What’s that?”
“It is one of the many things that I have acquired questing in different worlds. But enough questions.” Kazimir glanced around at them all. “Does everyone understand the plan?”
They all nodded.
“Good, but we’ll go over it one more time just in case someone wasn’t listening.” Kazimir picked up a biscuit off the table and threw it at Willow’s head, surprising her.
“Hey, aim for my mouth next time,” she said.
Two hours later, and after an extensive virtual tour of the prison, the companions prepared themselves for the quest. Murland recited the spells that Kazimir had told him, glad that he had a good memory for such things.
“First things first,” said Kazimir, stroking his chin and eyeing Murland, you will need a wand…”
Lance zapped the dog again, laughing maniacally as it writhed and thrashed on the ground. The beast yelled, trying desperately to get up, but Lance kept the hound down the jolts from his wand.
“Take that, you mutt. That’ll teach you to steal chickens from the hen house!”
The dog bayed mournfully, quivering and quaking as Lance circled. The teasing boy zapped the dog again, but this time he missed, and the dog leapt to his feet a
nd charged. Lance danced back, took aim, and frantically cast the spell. It hit the dog in the left paw, and the beast backed away limping in a circle to glare at Lance once more.
The dog snarled, and suddenly, inconceivably, Lance’s wand disappeared into thin air.
“Good boy,” said Lance, as the dog turned his malice on him once again.
“Now, you had that coming…” said Lance, slowly backing to the coop window.
The dog charged, and Lance cried out and ran and leapt for the window. He got stuck halfway through, and the dog latched on to his rear end. Lance cried out in pain, and above him, a hen cooed and pooped on his head.
A wand suddenly appeared in Kazimir’s ghostly hand, and he offered it to Murland.
Carefully, Murland took it. “Haven’t I seen this wand before?” he asked, inspecting it closer.
“What does it matter?” Kazimir turned to the group and looked them up and down. “Now we need to make you all look like fairies.”
“Shouldn’t be hard for Brannon,” said Willow, nudging the elf with an elbow.
“Ha, ha, ha,” he said, rolling his eyes.
“Murland, you first. You’re going to want to take a big old hit off the wizard pipe for this one.”
“Alright,” said Murland, retrieving the pipe that Hinckley had given him and putting a small nugget of wizard leaf into the bowl. He lit a small fire at the tip of his thumb like he had seen Hinckley do and took a long pull.
He let out a gagging cough and waved the smoke out of his face. When he had recovered, he blinked at Kazimir with itchy eyes.
“Alright,” said the wizard, eyeing their clothes. “Before you get your wings, you have to change into clothes more befitting fairies. Hold still, Murland.”
Kazimir waggled his fingers, and Murland’s robes, pants, shirt, and underpants disappeared, to be replaced by shiny leggings, a fuzzy belt, and a similarly flamboyant jerkin.
“What the f—”
“Hah!” Gibrig blurted a laugh before clapping his hands over his mouth. “Sorry, ye just look so…so…”
The Mother of Zuul: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 4) Page 18
