“Gay,” said Brannon.
Kazimir waggled his fingers at them all, giving them each a similarly ridiculous outfit.
Sir Eldrick blew the fuzzy strands from his strange hat out of his eyes and scowled at the wizard. “Is this really necessary? Either there is a breeze blowing in, or you gave me assless chaps.”
“Your costumes must be convincing,” said Kazimir.
“I think ye look pretty, Sir Eldrick,” said Gibrig.
“Great, thanks, Gib.”
“Alright Murland,” said Kazimir, “I want you to tap your back with your wand and repeat, Da mihi mediocris alas.”
“Da mihi mediocris alas,” said Murland, tapping his back.
There was a brilliant flash of light, and Murland felt a strange burning sensation between his shoulder blades. He glanced back, and to his delight, saw two large translucent wings slowly flapping. “Holy witch tits!” he said with a laugh. “Can we fly with these?”
“It would take you too long to learn,” said Kazimir. “Come now, give the others wings before you forget the words.”
Murland put wings on all of his friends, but for some reason none of them were the same size. And while Gibrig’s, Sir Eldrick’s, and Akitla’s were within reason, Brannon’s were huge, and Willow’s were no larger than Dingleberry’s.
“This will have to do,” said Kazimir as he ducked beneath Brannon’s wing.
“Why are mine so big?” said Brannon, his big clumsy wings knocking over chalices and bowls.
“Watch where you’re swinging those things,” said Akitla as she got a face full of fust.
Brannon’s wings released a plume of fust, and the companions all rushed out of the cabin. By the time they reached the deck, however, they were all giggling like fools, all but Willow that is.
“Oh, great,” said Kazimir. “You’re all high!”
“We’re fine,” said Sir Eldrick, staring at his hand in wonder as he opened and closed it.
“Weeee’re Fiiine,” said Gibrig in a deep, slow voice before bursting out in laughter. “Words be sooo weeeird,” he giggled.
“Weeeird,” said Akitla, chuckling.
“We don’t have time for this,” said Kazimir. “Murland, repeat after me, Fac nos, sobrii simus.”
“Fock no, saber sinuses,” said Murland before bursting out with laughter.
“No,” said Akitla. “He said, ‘foog nu, sassy Sammy.’”
“It’s Fac nos, sobrii simus!” said Kazimir.
“Okay…okay.” Murland burst out laughing again, and Kazimir hit him across the face with a nearby rope.
“Ouch! That hurt!”
“Quit screwing around and say the words right. Fac nos, sobrii simus.”
“Fac nos, sobrii simus,” said Murland, waving his wand around drunkenly.
A glittering spell lazily erupted from the tip and spread like an umbrella over the elven ship, and in the blink of an eye, everyone aboard was sober.
The laughter and the giggling stopped, and everyone glanced around, looking slightly depressed.
“Awe, I was just about to try out me wings,” said Gibrig.
“Not everything with wings should fly,” said Kazimir. “Look at penguins.”
“Penguins can fly,” said Akitla. “We have them in the north.”
“Er, right. Sorry, wrong world.”
“You are always talking about other worlds,” Sir Eldrick noted. Curiously he added, “Are there really other worlds beyond ours?”
“Of course, there are many other…This is neither here nor there at the moment. Murland!”
“I’m right here,” said the apprentice behind him.
“Oh,” said Kazimir as he turned. “Are you ready to attempt your first portal?”
“Not really.”
“Well, too bad. Now everyone join hands.”
They all did as they were told, and the companions, Akitla, and the three sprites all waited tensely for Murland.
Kazimir spoke the spell thirteen times, telling Murland to repeat after him. Finally, the darkling wizard nodded and handed Murland a small glowing stone with intricate runes carved across its entire surface. “When you get to my body, put this in my hand. It will…whoosh you all away from the prison, and to a safe house where I will be waiting. Understand?”
Murland gulped but nodded.
Kazimir let out a sigh and looked them all over. “Good luck.”
“Why thank ye, Kazimir,” said Gibrig. “That be about the nicest—”
“Please do shut up,” said Kazimir, and Gibrig bowed his head.
Murland took another hit from his pipe, due to suddenly being made sober by Kazimir. He blew out the smoke slowly, calming his mind and gathering magic from the universe around him. He pulled it to his core, letting it build and build. When he thought he was ready, he sent it down his left arm, through his hand, and into Kazimir’s wand.
Murland spoke the words.
Chapter 24
Faewatch
“Holy lizard balls, Murland…You WHOOSHED us!”
Murland jerked his head back and forth, trying to get his bearings after flying through the brilliant, dizzying portal. He staggered, grabbing Willow for support.
“Quiet,” said Sir Eldrick, pointing at the monolithic floating cube.
Everyone turned and stared slack-jawed at Azkatraz, and many of them had second thoughts. For the sleek black cube’s peak was one hundred feet high. It issued a slow, deep hum that vibrated in the companions’ chests. It spun slowly, perhaps no faster than the second hand of a watch. Murland could feel great magic within the cube, for it issued from it like heat from the summer sun, felt but not seen.
“It sure looks dreary,” said Gibrig, looking quite pathetic in his tutu and leggings.
“Testing, testing, three, two, one…” came the voice of Rye-Rye.
“Shhh,” Brannon hissed at the floating pixies. “You can’t film us breaking into Azkatraz!”
“It’s just pretend-play-play. Jeesh, you forget we are on a mission-quest?”
“Rye-Rye is right,” said Sir Eldrick. “We’re not breaking in, just act natural. We’re just a bunch of fairies trying to make a documentary. Act your part and we’ll have no trouble.”
They stood before the spinning cube in their ridiculous outfits, and Murland wondered where exactly the door was. “I guess we just walk up to it?” he said, shrugging at the others.
A hand touched his shoulder and Sir Eldrick walked by. “I’ll do the talking.”
“Please,” said Brannon as he pushed past them both. “You look like a pervert in those assless chaps. How is anyone supposed to believe that you are the one with the artistic vision? Watch and learn.”
Brannon proceeded to storm right up to the prison, but he stopped dead in his tracks when suddenly a dozen gargoyles erupted from the nearest point and flew toward them.
“Just stay cool…” Sir Eldrick warned.
Behind the gargoyles, a witch on a broomstick and three wizards on flying carpets shot out of the cube and flew circles around the companions. The gargoyles landed, circling the group as the witch and wizards each touched down in front of them.
“Who are you, and what is your business in Azkatraz Prison?” said the witch.
“We’re with Fairy Vision,” said Brannon in his best fairy voice. “We have been tasked by Headmaster Hinckley with documenting the prison for educational purposes.” He snapped his fingers, reaching behind him blindly.
Sir Eldrick elbowed Murland in the ribs.
“Oh,” he said, handing the forged papers to Brannon.
The prince handed them to the witch as the three wizards scoured the surrounding island and dark waters beyond.
“Hinckley is dead,” said the witch, eyeing the group warily.
“Yes,” said Murland, bowing his head low. “And it is a shame that he will never get to see the end result.”
“If he is dead, then what is the point in making the crystal picture?”
“To honor him,” said Brannon, as though it were obvious.
“How did you teleport here?” the oldest of the wizards asked.
“Uh…” said Brannon.
“Fairy magic!” said Dingleberry. “How-How do you think we go around reporting breaking news, on foot-foot?”
The witch threw dust on the companions and looked into a crystal ball. The forged papers were passed around, and the witch and wizards studied them far too long for Murland’s liking.
“Who are you?” the witch asked Gibrig.
Brannon groaned.
“I be…I am Hog-Hog from Fae-Fae,” said the dwarf.
“And you?” she asked Akitla.
“I am…Brr-Brr, from Fae-Fae.”
“What is your name?” the witch asked Willow, considering her tiny wings with a raised brow.
“My name-name is Stink…Stink Finger.”
Murland and the others glanced at her pensively, and the witch scrutinized her with beady eyes.
“Your name is Stink Finger, or Stink-Stink Finger?”
“Uh, just Stink Finger. I stuttered is all.”
“Most fairies stutter all the time,” said the dark-eyed wizard.
“I’m, trying to break-break the habit,” said Willow, blushing.
“And you? What is your name?” the witch asked Sir Eldrick.
“I’m Buzz-Buzz,” he said in a high-pitched voice that made Murland giggle despite himself.
The companions must have all been nervous, for they burst into laughter then, and the guards eyed each other.
“Godsdamned fairies,” said the dark-eyed wizard. “Everything’s always a damn joke to them.”
“Their papers check out,” said the youngest wizard.
Hope bloomed in Murland, but as the witch eyeballed him with scrutiny, that spark of hope died with a fizzle.
“I smell something fishy,” said the witch. “Where have I seen you all before?”
“We have a show-show, silly-silly,” said Akitla in her cutest voice. She even fluttered her wings and rose two feet in the air before coming back down. “It’s called…”
“Faewatch,” said Gibrig before bowing his head and blushing.
“Faewatch?” said the witch, scratching the mole on her upper lip, which Murland thought looked a lot like herpdalerp, otherwise known as the gift that keeps on giving.
“Isn’t Faewatch the crystal picture about Vhalovian lifeguards?” said the dark-eyed wizard.
“Uhhh…” said Gibrig.
“It is a hard-hard breaking news-news talk show about all things Fallacetine,” said Dingleberry.
“Yeah, and we have heard about the recent attacks on the prison,” said Murland, instantly wishing that he would have kept his mouth shut.
“Where did you hear that?” asked the dark-eyed wizard.
“We know more than most-most,” said Brannon, eyeing Murland with a warning glare.
“We can’t stay out here all day,” said the younger wizard. “Their papers check out. Let’s go. I’ll bring them around.”
“If it was one of Hinckley’s last wishes to have this…documentary made, then I will respect his wishes,” said the oldest wizard.
To the companions’ surprise, the others—even the witch—nodded agreement, and before they knew it, they were being led toward the cube. The gargoyles flew off, and a dark doorway opened. From it, a ramp extended the twenty feet to the ground. The witch went first, and the companions followed, with the wizards taking up the rear.
As they ventured up the ramp, Murland’s guts twisted with worry. He felt naked in his fairy garb and thought that any moment they might be found out. But to his surprise, nothing happened, and they followed the witch up the ramp. They reached the landing and shuffled inside, finding themselves in a large antechamber, the walls of which were lined with gargoyles. They were stone now, but Murland knew that if there were any sign of danger, the beasts would come alive and tear into the attackers with their talons, beaks, and spiked tails.
The youngest of the wizards led them to the window, where they were instructed to hand over any weapons that they might be carrying—and Murland was glad then that Kazimir had instructed them to rub the invisibility potion on their weapons. Gibrig’s shield was the biggest of them, but luckily no one got close enough to him to realize that it was there, strapped to his back. Due to the companions’ fae dress, there wasn’t anywhere to hide a weapon, and so they were not patted down.
They signed their fake names on a scroll, and Murland breathed a sigh of relief when a slab suddenly shifted to the side and the wizard led them through.
“My name is Alkazeer Muham,” said the wizard, offering them a small nod as he led them through the door and down a long corridor. “I apologize for the trouble, but as you mentioned, there have been attacks on the prison as of late.”
Sir Eldrick and Murland shared a glance, and the knight nodded. “Is it true that it was the witch who calls herself the Mother of Zuul?” said Murland.
“I cannot say.” Alkazeer stopped before a door and glanced back. “But I will tell you this. No one has ever broken in and left in one piece.”
Alkazeer pushed the door open, and blinding light illuminated the tunnel. “Welcome to Azkatraz,” he said, and the full grandeur of the cube came into view.
“Holy…” Willow trailed off.
“Shyte,” said Gibrig.
The chamber before them was vast, at least half as high and wide as the cube itself. More breathtaking were the four triangular walls, which somehow seemed to have their own independent gravity. The walls were lined with many levels of catwalks, each of which contained dozens of doors. Murland didn’t know the prison’s capacity, but he guessed it to be in the thousands. There were stories of all kinds of evil beasts locked up in Azkatraz, and not all of them were murderous rogue wizards and witches. There were said to be demons and worse imprisoned here, although Murland couldn’t think what might be worse than that.
Murland had known a good many wizard apprentices that applied to be magical prison guards as soon as they graduated. It was a good-paying job with benefits, and with the high council’s ruling against capital punishment, magical enemies of Fallacetine were kept alive. There was said to be no way out of Azkatraz; Murland believed it—and he quickly reconsidered his decision to go along with Kazimir’s plan.
“Before you begin recording, you must know that before you leave, we will be confiscating the seeing crystal,” said Alkazeer. “The crystal, or crystals, will be returned to you once we have cut any footage that we consider…detrimental. Your minds will also be inspected and wiped of such information, so if you think we won’t want the world to know it, don’t bother filming or looking at it.”
“What’s up there?” said Sir Eldrick, pointing at the top corner.
“That is none of your concern. Come. I will show you the B wing. It is fitting, I think, as that is where fairies are kept.”
Murland and Sir Eldrick took up the rear, and the knight whispered, “How the hells are we going to lose this guy and get to the top?”
“I was about to ask you the same thing,” said Murland.
“What’s that?” said Alkazeer, trying to look past Willow at them.
“Oh, nothing. Please-please, do continue,” said Sir Eldrick in his ridiculous high-pitched voice.
They were led down a hall to the right that curiously curved to meet flush with the wall, which was at a different pitch than they were. It turned into a catwalk lined with glowing doors, each with a gargoyle sitting beside it. To the companions’ surprise and delight, they walked onto the curving catwalk without noticing the difference, even though they were by all measurements walking on the wall. The perspective changed, and Murland tried to keep his bearings, hoping not to forget which way was up.
“Now, if you will follow me,” said Alkazeer, and he led them to a door not guarded by a gargoyle. Another tunnel opened before them, this one going back nearly twenty feet and
lined with cell doors as well.
As they walked by the cells, Murland tried to get a glimpse of its occupants, but he saw nothing but the magical glow coming from inside.
Suddenly Akitla struck like a cobra, hitting Alkazeer with a blast of ice that left him standing in mid-stride like a crystalline soldier.
“Why did you do that?” said Brannon, shocked and wide-eyed.
“We don’t have all day,” said Akitla.
“Did you kill him?” said Murland, horrified.
“No, he will thaw out in a few hour—”
The ice around the wizard suddenly shattered and fell to the floor, and in a flash the man was reaching for his wand. Murland was the quicker, however, and hit him with a spell meant to put him to sleep. The wizard deflected the spell and rattled off a string of words as he brought his wand down for the strike.
Murland hurriedly tried to bring up a shield, but Sir Eldrick laid out the wizard with a right cross before he could get his spell off.
“Good job,” said Sir Eldrick, shaking out his hand.
“Good job!” said Brannon, scoffing. “You’re lucky he didn’t sound an alarm.”
“Listen.” Sir Eldrick glanced around to make sure that indeed, the wizard hadn’t set off an alarm. When they heard nothing, he turned to the group. “We need to make this wizard invisible before someone sees him.”
“The potion will work,” said Murland.
“Great idea, just save some for the rest of us.”
“What-What if he wakes up early?” said Rye-Rye, looking quite disturbed. “What if we’re captured and put in a cell. What if—”
Dingleberry shook the sprite violently. “This is a quest, Rye-Rye, get your shit-shit together and start acting like a fae-fae!”
“Yes sir-sir,” said Rye-Rye, saluting her. And Dingleberry seemed to like that very much.
“Alright, Murland,” said Sir Eldrick. “It’s show time.”
Murland withdrew the vial of invisibility potion from his pocket and administered some to the unconscious wizard. Once he was sure it was down, they all took a small swig, making sure to leave some in case they needed it later.
“Tastes like a toad’s ass,” said Willow, wiping her tongue with a big green thumb.
The Mother of Zuul: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 4) Page 19
