“How ye be knowin’ what a toad’s arse tastes like, eh?” said Gibrig with a grin.
“Holy crap,” said Murland. “Did Gibrig just dis someone?”
“I believe he did,” said Sir Eldrick with a chuckle.
“Sorry Will—” Gibrig began.
But Willow, laughing, put up a staying hand. “For Great Turtle’s sake, don’t apologize! It takes the funny out.”
“Shh,” said Sir Eldrick, glancing back at his own wings suspiciously. “I think we might be a little high on our own wing dust.”
“Wing dust,” Gibrig giggled.
“Hey, it’s working,” said Murland, noticing that his friends were slowly becoming translucent. He looked at his own hand and watched in awe as it disappeared.
“The wiz-wiz is invisible too,” said Dingleberry.
“Alright, everyone,” said Sir Eldrick. “Get it together. We’ve got to get to Kazimir’s cell before this wears off. Follow me.”
Murland waited, not knowing which way the knight had gone, but then there was a loud thud from the door they had come through, and Sir Eldrick groaned.
“Be careful,” said the knight.
Murland and the others all began toward the door at once, and being that they were invisible to one another, this caused a terrible pile up.
“Dammit, stop stepping on my heels,” said Sir Eldrick. “Everyone clasp hands with those in front and behind you. Now follow me.”
Chapter 25
Escape from Azkatraz
Murland didn’t know how Sir Eldrick led the group in the right direction, what with the cube’s ever-changing ups and downs, but somehow, he led them all to the forbidden chamber—Kazimir’s cell.
Murland knew it when he saw the door, which was emblazoned with a glowing rune—one that meant a warning of death to anyone who might venture inside.
“You’re up, kid,” came Sir Eldrick’s voice, and though he could not see it, he felt a hand touch his shoulder.
Murland stepped past Sir Eldrick, found his wand with his hand, and pointing it at the lock, uttered the words that Kazimir had taught him. To his amazement and relief, the spell worked, and the door opened with a cryptic hiss and puff of smoke.
“Got the picture ready?” Brannon asked from behind him.
Murland was already fishing for it in his invisible bag.
“Got it.”
He rushed into the room, saw Kazimir lying on a slab at the center of the room, and found the crystal mounted to the wall. He held up the picture in front of the crystal, spoke a soft spell, and let out a sigh of relief when the image floated steadily where he had left it.
Everyone waited…
If the ruse hadn’t worked, they never would have made it this far, but Murland couldn’t believe that it was this easy.
Suddenly, he saw his own hand in front of him.
“The potion is wearing off,” said Sir Eldrick, whom Murland found by the door with the others.
Brannon closed the cell door behind him. “Move your ass, Murland. Let’s get the hells out of here.”
“Yeah, put the stone in Kazimir’s hand like he said,” said Gibrig.
Murland fished the stone out of his pocket that would teleport them all along with Kazimir’s body. “Everyone hold hands. Sprites, get on Willow’s shoulders,” he said. When he was sure that they were all connected, he placed the stone in Kazimir’s hand.
To everyone’s surprise, Kazimir’s body, and only Kazimir’s body, disappeared. In his place dropped a large circular contraption with many wires…
And it was ticking.
***
Moments earlier…
Kazimir paced back and forth, staring at the bomb sitting on the bed next to the receiving crystal. Hazel sat in a rocking chair by the fire, reciting the spell that would place his soul back in his body. He had been waiting for hours and was beginning to think that the champions had failed.
“I should have never entrusted those fools with this task,” he grumbled as he floated from one end of the hut to the other.
“Shhh, I’m trying to focus,” said Hazel.
“You better have some wizard leaf around here,” said Kazimir. “Because if this works, I’m smoking my brains out.”
“You depend too much on that leaf.”
“Hah, says the one who creamed her pants when she took a toke out of Zuul’s jade pipe!”
“Must you be so crude?” she asked him, eyeing him over small spectacles.
“I always loved you in glasses,” he said, stopping for a moment to admire her beauty. “You know what, once I get my body back, I might just marry you.”
She raised a brow to that. “Who says I still want to marry your crusty old ass?”
“You’re not the only one who can make themselves appear young.”
There was a sudden flash of smoke, and his body appeared on the bed, replacing the bomb. Kazimir grinned.
***
“We’ve been betrayed!” Brannon cried, staring wide-eyed at the ticking box.
“Oh, boy, oh, boy,” said Gibrig.
Sir Eldrick kicked the raised slab that had housed Kazimir’s body. “Son of a bitch!”
“You know,” said Willow, who must have snuck in a piece of jerky and was chewing it nervously. “This shit is getting too stressful.”
“Come on, everyone, think!” said Murland, trying himself to find a quick solution.
“Why is it ticking?” Brannon asked in horror.
Suddenly a whooping alarm went off in the prison.
Akitla hit the ticking box and froze it into a block of ice. Everyone waited with bated breath, but the next moment, the ticking only quickened.
“Look,” said Brannon. “I know that you are new to the group, but you’ve got to tell us when you are going to take chances!”
“I don’t see you doing shit!” Akitla barked back.
“Ladies, please,” said Sir Eldrick, opening the door to check the hall. He quickly closed it, however, as the flashes of magical spells lit the corridor beyond. “Yeah, that way is no good.”
The box ticked faster, quickly racing toward a crescendo.
“What do we do?” said Brannon as he paced back and forth and bit his thumbnail.
“We ain’t dyin’ today!” said Gibrig, and he took his shield from his back and charged straight for the wall.
Murland watched in awe as he crashed through the wall with the shield as though it were the wall of a mud hut. But then Gibrig cried out and fell through into the unknown.
“Go, go, go!” Sir Eldrick urged them all, and pushed Murland toward the gaping hole.
Murland leapt out and was instantly met by a harsh wind. He screamed and landed with an “oof” as he began sliding down the side of the cube. Glancing back, he watched as everyone but Sir Eldrick leapt out. There was a terrible boom, and the top of the cube exploded. Sir Eldrick flew out at the end of a tongue of flame and sailed wide of the prison like a lifeless doll.
The companions slid down the side of the cube as Sir Eldrick, smoldering, descended beyond their view.
“Father!” Akitla screamed.
Murland had left Packy behind on Brannon’s ship, as the legendary pack would have given him away, but he had flown with the back pack enough to understand how wings worked. With a grunt, he pushed off from the wall and opened his wings wide. He flew toward Sir Eldrick as fast as he could, hoping that the other companions figured it out on their own. The knight was tumbling end over end toward the ground, and Murland quickly realized that he wouldn’t catch him in time. He pulled his wand, took aim, and released the anti-gravity spell. The incantation streaked by Sir Eldrick, missing him by inches, and struck a large stone which quickly shot up from the ground. He wasn’t used to the new wand, and its aim was different. Murland focused his aim, let out a slow breath, and released another spell, knowing that it was his last chance. The spell hit home, stopping Sir Eldrick inches from the ground. The knight reversed direction, coming right at
Murland, and just before they collided, he reversed the spell and grabbed ahold of Sir Eldrick. The sudden weight pulled Murland down fast, and he did his best to slow their descent. They came in hard, and Murland tripped on a stone, sending them both crashing into the rocks.
Just then, Gibrig and Brannon landed beside him, followed by Akitla and Willow, who slid down an icy half-pipe that Akitla had summoned from the nearby shore.
Murland got to his feet with a groan as behind them, the door of the cube opened and dozens of gargoyles charged out.
“Whoosh us back to the ship,” said Willow.
“I can’t,” said Murland. “Kazimir’s spell was just to get us here.”
“Then we’re going to have to fly,” said Brannon. “Someone grab Sir Eldrick, hurry!”
Akitla took hold of her father, and Brannon, with his large wings, agreed to help Willow.
“Everyone, take another swig of the potion,” said Murland, tipping back the vial and passing it around. He helped Akitla get the last of the liquid down the unconscious Sir Eldrick’s throat.
As they all began to turn translucent, they ran for the shore and took to the sky. Murland guided them by voice to the north, where Brannon’s ship was waiting ten miles away. Behind them, the gargoyles howled and screamed, and a dozen witches on brooms and twice as many wizards flew out of the cube. Murland glanced back often, and was surprised when their pursuers didn’t immediately fly toward them. It seemed as though Gram’s potion included not only invisibility from prying eyes, but tracking spells as well.
“Quiet, now, they’re coming,” he told the others as a small group began heading their way.
For many tense minutes, the group quietly flew north, but the wizards and witches never caught their scent, and soon became distant specks on the horizon.
“Everyone still here?” Murland asked, still unable to see anyone.
“Still here,” said Gibrig.
“We’re here,” said Akitla far to his left.
“Here,” said Brannon breathlessly. “But I don’t know how long I can keep this up.”
“I’m trying to help,” said Willow, and Murland could just imagine her tiny wings flapping furiously.
“Either do we!” said Dingleberry, who, along with the other sprites, must have been helping Brannon with his burden.
“There!” said Murland, pointing at the ship, though, of course, no one could see him. “Just ahead.”
“Thank the gods,” said Brannon.
The invisibility potion wore off much quicker than the first time, and the elves in the crow’s nests could be heard calling out that the companions had been spotted. They landed, some more gracefully than others, and one and all lay upon the deck, panting.
“Sire?” said the general. “You, uh, you’ve got wings.”
“Well no shit,” said Brannon as he pulled himself to his feet.
“Father?” said Akitla, holding Sir Eldrick’s head in her lap and gently slapping his cheek. His clothes and hair were scorched from the explosion, and the right side of his face looked a little burnt, but he was breathing, and nothing seemed broken.
“Sir Eldrick, wake up. It be safe now,” said Gibrig.
Sir Eldrick blinked slowly, his eyes rolling around for a moment before focusing on his daughter. “Kit? Where are we?”
“We made it back to the ship,” said Murland.
The knight was helped to sit up, and he shook his head to clear his mind. “What the hell happened?”
“That nannywiggins tried to kill us, that’s what,” said Willow.
“And now he could be anywhere,” said Brannon.
“Not anywhere,” said Sir Eldrick. “Once he is strong enough, he will surely head to the jade tower to face Ravenwing and Zuul.”
“Well, aside from being double-crossed by Kazimir, we did what we set out to do,” said Akitla.
“Did we do the right thing?” Murland asked, but no one had a ready answer for him.
There was a sudden flash of brilliant light, and Murland’s wand was in his hand in a heartbeat.
“No, you did not do the right thing,” came a deep voice.
Elven soldiers surrounded the billowing smoke, but Murland stepped forward and raised a staying hand. “Hinckley?” he said in a voice shaken by hope.
The smoke cleared, revealing a very cross-looking Headmaster Hinckley.
“Headmaster,” said Murland with a bow. “But…how?”
“It is good to fake your death every once in a while, just to see how the world gets on without you. And I must say, Apprentice Kadabra, that you have gotten on quite poorly.”
Murland bowed his head in shame, feeling like a complete fool.
Hinckley scowled at the lot of them and shook his head. “Where to begin? First you fail to kill or even attempt to kill Zuul, then you let him be taken from you, worse yet, you lose the wand of Kazam to a charlatan sorceress. And now you have released Kazimir’s body from Azkatraz. Do you even have a clue how much trouble you are in?”
“Listen, pal, we did our best,” said Sir Eldrick, coming to stand beside Murland. “Maybe if you hadn’t faked your death and helped your apprentice, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”
“For champions, you all seem to need a lot of help,” said Hinckley. He looked to Murland once more. “Please help me understand why you did not kill Zuul when you had the chance.”
Murland let out a long sigh and shrugged. “He cast a spell on us that made him look like a little baby girl. It didn’t seem right to take the chance that it might be someone else.”
“It didn’t seem right? What is not right about killing the Dark Lord?”
“Because he looked like a little babe,” said Gibrig. “And champions don’t kill no babies.”
“Honorable,” said Hinckley. “But stupid.”
“What’s done is done,” said Brannon. “Freeing Kazimir was the only way to stop the Mother of Zuul.”
“Yes, together Zuul and the sorceress have grown quite powerful. But Kazimir will not kill Zuul, you must know that. His lust for power is too great. And with the help of Witch Hazel, he will—”
“The witch lives?” said Brannon, shocked.
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“Headmaster,” said Murland hesitantly. “Is…is Gram alive too?”
“No, I am sorry. Unlike me, he did not fake his own death.”
“Bring me to the jade tower,” said Brannon, shouldering past them all to stand before the wizard. “That bitch killed Valkimir, and I intend to finish what I started.”
“Again,” said Hinckley. “Honorable, but stupid.”
Brannon ignored him and turned to the others. “Who’s with me?”
“I don’t know about you all,” said Willow, “but I’m always up for a good fight.”
“I don’t know,” said Murland, feeling foolish and defeated. “I just don’t know.”
“What is there to know?” said Brannon. “Kazimir was right. We have left a mess everywhere we went. The portal is still open, Zuul is still alive, Witch Hazel is still alive, and now Kazimir is free. Lyricon’s play is accurate, we just didn’t want to admit it before. I had never really looked at it from the outside, but seeing it firsthand has given me new insight. We have been fools from the start, and this is our chance to show the world what we are really made of.”
“It hasn’t been all bad,” said Sir Eldrick. “Drak’Noir is dead, and you destroyed the Twisted Tower.”
“We ain’t no fools,” said Gibrig. “We be the Champions o’ the Dragon. And I say that if we can help make things right, then we best be doin’ it.”
“What will it be, Murland?” Hinckley squared on him and raised a brow. “Will you finally face your fate? Will you prove the prophecy true and defeat Zuul once and for all?”
“But you said that I was far from ready.”
Hinckley nodded. “And you may never be, but we have no more time. Zuul’s bond to the sorceress Ravenwing has made him too powerfu
l. It’s now or never.”
Murland wished that Caressa was there. He wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and be in her arms, far from war and dark lords and witches. But he was a wizard, and he reminded himself that he had chosen this life—a life that would always be dangerous, and far from normal.
“Sire, there is a new report coming in through the crystal!” said the general.
Everyone rushed into Brannon’s quarters, where the crystal was projecting another scene of the jade tower.
“Day-Day here, live with breaking news-news,” said the sprite loudly to be heard over the tumult in the background. “The Mother of Zuul and her army-army of thousands have almost reached King’s Crossing. But-But, what they don’t know-know, is that the kingdoms of man-man, elf, dwarf, and ogre have sent armies of their own!”
She moved aside, and King’s Crossing came into view. The companions looked on with pride as the five armies emerged over a hilltop. There were tens of thousands of soldiers, and great war machines were being pulled by teams of horses. The humans brought with them many cavalrymen and spearmen, whose shield walls were legendary. The elves came with their sleek metal armor and longbows, while the dwarves rode in on their giant rams. The ogres wore no fancy armor, and they had very few well-crafted weapons. Instead they carried huge clubs, some as long as ten feet that looked to weigh two hundred pounds.
Then the angle shifted and turned west, where a green glow dominated the horizon.
“Soon the armies will meet-meet, and the fate-fate of Fallacetine will be decided,” said Day-Day, looking quite excited despite the dire circumstances. “Tune in to watch the fight-fight for only five silver on pay-per-vision, frequency 259.”
The image faded, and Day-Day was replaced by a wild-eyed old man wearing a cheap-looking wizard hat and looking right at the crystal. “Tired of not being able to perform for your lady friend? Afraid that she might run off with someone leaner, meaner, and younger than you? Well, my friends, fear no more, for Herbert Consmoore is here to help. Introducing, Erectus!”
The Mother of Zuul: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 4) Page 20
