Healing Her Boss's Heart

by Dianne Drake

  “Just me. No dogs, cats, or other critters. Prefer to keep my life...uncluttered.”

  “I’m betting you don’t go out with friends too often either.”

  “Hardly ever.”

  “So, don’t you get lonely?” she asked. Passing through the door into his office, he placed his hand in the small of her back as she walked by him, then followed her in. She gritted her teeth against the inevitable shiver. She didn’t understand why he got to her that way, but he did. There was no denying that as she shivered and this time he noticed it.

  “You OK?” he asked. “It starts getting chilly this time of year. Do you need a sweater or something? I could get you a surgical gown to put on over your clothes, if you want. It might warm you up a little.”

  What she needed was more of him. More of the shivers he caused. More of the things she’d never allowed herself to want before—the pure carnal need for him. Of course, she was going to keep that to herself and try harder to keep her peculiar reactions to him to herself, as well. Especially since he’d all but told her he didn’t want involvement.

  “I’m fine. Just acclimating myself to Montana weather, that’s all.” Yeah, right. More like acclimating herself to the touch of a man who triggered sparks.

  A man she didn’t even know very well but suddenly had thoughts of in a way she’d never thought of another man. “But thanks for the offer.”

  “Anyway, no, I’m not lonely,” he continued, forging ahead with their conversation. “I keep myself busy. Put in a lot of hours at the hospital. I’m adding some finishing touches to my cabin in my spare time. Helping my buddy Caleb around his place from time to time, since he’s still slightly incapacitated. It all adds up to a pretty full day.” He closed the office door behind him, then gestured her to the chair in front of his desk. “Oh, and right now I’m trekking up the mountain every day to take care of about a billion cats.”

  “How is Priscilla, by the way?” Carried asked, wondering if Jack ever did anything for himself. Anything for fun. Even in her own isolation, she’d taken time for her few friends, gone to the gym, occasionally treated herself to a movie. But did he do anything other than what he had to do? It didn’t seem so.

  “She’s doing better than ever. Moving home, against family wishes, the day after tomorrow.”

  “Everybody has to do what they have to do,” Carrie said. “I know how it is. And, for what it’s worth, I respect your grandmother for living exactly the way she wants. Not many people have that choice. Too many things get in the way.”

  “She does live the way she wants. But I worry.”

  “Which means you’re a good grandson.” And she liked that, as she’d never seen much devotion in her life, and the devotion for his grandmother she saw in Jack was nice. It gave her hope that someday she might have someone to be that devoted to. Or someone might be that devoted to her. If a distant sort of character like Jack could have it... “Well, if you’d like me to spot you on the cat care, I could go up later today so you could do...whatever it is you do.”

  “Thanks for the offer, but there’s a knack to it. As in dump the food into the bowls, then run like hell before you get fur-balled to death.” He chuckled over that.

  Carrie laughed, too. Despite the appearance he tried to put on, Jack was a caring man. She wasn’t sure he knew how to show it. But it was there. She could see it. “Well, if there’s anything else I can do—make a few house calls, go to the store and pick up some cat food, go up to see Priscilla from time to time once she’s settled back in...”

  “I’m good,” he said. “Unless you’re looking for something to fill your lonely spaces.”

  “They’re not lonely spaces, Jack. I’ve never had anyone in my life for more than the blink of an eye, so when you don’t have it, you don’t know what it’s about. Consequently, I look at my life more in terms of empty spaces. Not lonely ones. I read, work out, go out with friends occasionally. It suits me.”

  “Is that denial I’m hearing, or acquiescence?”

  “Neither one. It’s practicality. Because above all I try to be practical about everything. Had to be that way to survive being tossed from place to place as I was, then eventually ending up on the streets. If you can’t be practical about it, you won’t make it, and it was always my intention to make it.” She smiled. “Anyway, enough about me. You said you wanted to talk to me about something?”

  “I did.” He crossed over to the cabinet that held his coffee maker, then poured her a cup, offered her cream and sat down across from her. Very deliberately. Very precisely, almost like he measured every movement. Like a man who took control of each and every movement, voluntary as well as involuntary.

  It was oddly fascinating, she thought. Almost a glimpse into something she hadn’t expected. Jack Hanson was a man who took great care to present himself properly. It mattered to him. He cared about his mark—his spot in time. That revelation didn’t cause goose bumps, but it did cause a curiosity over what had turned someone like him away from life in general.

  “Well, as it turns out, I wanted to talk about your varied background,” he continued, bringing her back into the conversation. “Learn a little more about you other than what you said on your application and what you’ve told me. I’d like to learn more about the specifics of Carrie Kellem, since they may come into play in your training.”

  “Seriously? Is that why you chose me for your program, because I didn’t have a traditional life? Because, somehow, you think that coming from the streets the way I did will make me tougher, or braver? Or hold me back from what I need to do?” She was offended, and didn’t try to hide it, as the notion that her varied background was the reason she’d gotten to where she was now didn’t wash. It didn’t give way to the fact that it wasn’t her background that made her tougher or braver, but her desire to put her background behind her.

  “I don’t like that, Jack. I’ve worked hard to get away from it, and I don’t want it to be the main reason I’m here. It’s over. I don’t want where I was to be the reason or cause of getting anything. No favors, no special consideration. Nothing. So if I haven’t earned my spot rightfully, then I’m out of here, varied background or not.” She started to rise from her chair, but he stood up from the desk, leaned over it and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder.

  “Your upbringing, or lack of it, isn’t why I chose you, Carrie. Your application stated you’d been homeless, but that didn’t matter to me. But I do think it’s at least, in part, the reason you have the qualifications I want. You know, a character-building thing. Because you’re a good medic, and I’ve seen that in person already. You’re enthusiastic to learn. And smart. Also, you don’t get beaten down. There’s a part of me that envies that because I’ve been in a rut for a very long time. I don’t always find the joy in my job that you find in yours. I still give it my best, but I don’t go at it anymore the way I see you go at it. You squeeze the essence out of every opportunity, while I simply let it dribble by.

  “But would you have had those qualities if you hadn’t had to fight so hard for them? I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter. But don’t deny your background, Carrie. You can hate it, you can fight to overcome it, you can curse it every day of your life. But it’s part of who you are. And while I didn’t accept you into my program because of where you came from, I did accept you because I believe your struggles have made you an ideal candidate.” He shrugged. “So, no offense intended.”

  “None taken,” she conceded. Because he was right. She’d spent a lifetime trying to overcome it, and had never really looked at the trash bins and alley doorways as an education of sorts. But it had been. Still, she didn’t have to like it. She would always try to keep it in her past. But now she saw it a little differently.

  “I know I’m defensive or apologetic because of where I come from. I suppose it’s a habit that, when someone brings it up, I get defensive. Or overreact.
But I’ve been the recipient of a lot of handouts in my life, and I don’t want that. I never had stability. Got tossed from foster home to foster home. Nobody wanted to keep me. I couldn’t get educated properly as I was in and out of so many schools they lost track of me. And I was out on the street, on my own, when I was sixteen. Picking up aluminum cans and turning them in for money. Doing any odd job someone had for me. Except the sexual ones. I never did that.

  “But I lived in alleys, Jack. Slept under cardboard boxes or in doorways, rain, shine or snow. People would see me on the street and toss me bits of leftover food from restaurant containers. Food they were taking home to their dogs. And I was grateful for it because it hadn’t been in the bottom of the garbage for days, which was what I was used to. They’d also bring me charity clothes that didn’t fit, and blankets that should have been tossed away because they were so worn. Handouts—that’s all I had for a lot of years. So, when I jumped to the conclusion that my spot here was another handout...” She shrugged. “Didn’t mean to come off the way I did. Sorry.” She sat back down, managed a repentant smile. “So, again, why am I here?”

  “I...I don’t know what to say.” His voice was unsteady, his eyes betraying shock and compassion.

  “There’s nothing to say. That was then, this is now. And I’m fighting hard to stay in the now.”

  “So how did you get from there to here?”

  “Saved every penny I could from all the odd jobs I worked. Checked into a shelter where I was given three squares a day, shower facilities and a bed. Took a practical look at the things I could do, given my circumstances, then finished my schooling. Met an old cop who told me I ought to consider trying out for the academy, that it could change my life. I did when I was old enough, because I really wasn’t headed in any direction and that seemed as good as anything. He was right, too. I got accepted, and that opened the world to me. Taught me things I didn’t know. Showed me things I’d never seen. After a while, though, after I was a cop, I started asking myself if this was all there was.”

  “And the answer was obviously no.”

  “Which brought me here,” she said, smiling. “Lucky me and, hopefully, lucky you.”

  Jack shook his head. “I didn’t know it was that rough, Carrie,” he said. “I can’t even respond because I can’t picture it. Can’t picture you in it.”

  “You don’t have to,” she said. “Because I’m not in it anymore. I’m here. Starting a new chapter. Another step further away.”

  “Well, maybe what I have in mind’s going to be even another step further.” He took a sip of his coffee and turned in his chair to gaze out the window. Seemed to get lost for a few seconds, then blinked himself back into the moment. “I have something in mind for you that won’t be easy. Provided you measure up in my program.”

  “Ah, the story of my life. Another step, maybe a new dream born. So, what is it, Jack? What is this opportunity?”

  “The wide-open spaces of Montana. No walls to confine you. No real rules to follow except to do the job the best way you can find. And living by your wits. You, more than anybody I’ve ever known, could do that. So, care to take a drive with me while I tell you more?”

  * * *

  It was a beautiful autumn day, the temperatures hadn’t started dipping too much yet, even though that would happen in the next couple of weeks, and the fresh air was beckoning him. Not to mention the restlessness pushing him to do something different. That was the only reason he was going out there right now, and if he tried hard enough, he might even convince himself of it. Because introducing Carrie to Saka’am could have waited, since she wasn’t even in training yet. And he could have asked one of the other part-time doctors or even nurses at Sinclair Hospital to do this. But it had been so long since he’d been there, and he needed to go back, even though he’d vowed, five years ago, he never would. Times changed, so did attitudes. So, while his hadn’t moved much toward that in the preceding years, even he couldn’t argue himself out of the notion that he had to do this. Had to start facing up to it. Or, at least, try.

  But he didn’t want to go back alone because he did have to see to the medical needs. And if the memories of Evangeline and Alice brought him down to a point where he couldn’t function as he should, he’d have Carrie there to pick up the slack. That, plus the idea of assigning her to Saka’am eventually. “There’s a little community of Native Americans—the Confederated Salish and Kootenai tribes. They don’t live on the reservation, even though they’re connected to it. Mostly, they’re into lumbering, which usually happens sometime between the leaf drop and winter solstice, and right now they’re fully engaged in harvesting crops. So this is a busy time of year for them and it’s not always convenient for a lot of the people there to get over to the reservation to take care of basic medical needs.

  “Years ago, when I wasn’t much more than a toddler, my mother and I started going out every few weeks to tend to their medical care. In the fall, it was always about immunizing the children then, of course, seeing to other medical needs. It’s that time now, and since Mom and Henry are semiretired, and Caleb and Leanne are away, it’s up to me to get it done. So, I thought that since I’ve got the time right now, I’d head on out there and get the process started, spend the night, finish up tomorrow, then come back home later in the day in time to pick up my shift tomorrow night.”

  “Which has what to do with me?”

  “I want you to go with me. I’ve checked your schedule, and it seems you’re scheduled off until tomorrow night. So, if you’re interested, we can leave within the next hour, which means we’ll get there midafternoon, work until dark, then begin again tomorrow morning, and finish up midafternoon.”

  “Which would mean spending the night?” she asked.

  “It’s too long a drive to come back tonight so, yes, spend the night. Somebody there will take us in.”

  “You’re sure of that?”

  “They always have before. They’re a very hospitable people. Friendly, generous...” Sometimes too much so.

  “The workload?”

  “Vaccinations. Physicals. General care, for the most part.”

  “So, why me, Jack? I mean, I’m excited to do something different. I’ve never had the opportunity to work in a clinic-type setting, so I want to do this. But why are you asking me and not someone with more experience? I’m a paramedic and usually we don’t do general medical care.”

  “But you’re capable, aren’t you?”

  “Of course, I’m capable. But I’m also curious.”

  “OK. Saka’am and the surrounding area is fairly well populated. The people are spread out so there’s no central core, and I need someone to cover that area on a more regular basis. Also to head up rescue operations in a large geographic area out there. I’ve made this plan to provide better and closer rescue and basic medical coverage in specific areas and, tentatively, I’ve matched you to Saka’am because it will be a challenge with the way it’s spread out. Also because I have ties there, and I want them to have my best, which I hope will be you.”

  “I think I’m flattered,” she said.

  “It’s always an uphill battle out here, Carrie. It’s a mix between dealing with the traditional Native American ways and what society expects or perceives. These people are just normal folks. They work, they go to school, to church...they dress like we do. Have the needs we do. But it’s a struggle for them to hold on to their traditions, and too many outsiders go into these situations expecting to change things...things that don’t need changing. Names. Lifestyle. It’s important to find someone who can deal with the intermingling of both worlds, and respect the fact that they might resort to a sweat lodge over modern medicine. Because I don’t see you as someone who would interfere with what is already established, that’s why I want you to cover the area.” Also, because he owed the people of Saka’am his best. Which wasn’t him. Not anymore. But
it could be Carrie.

  “I don’t know what to say,” she said. “No one’s ever had that kind of trust in me before.”

  He wondered if she’d ever had that kind of trust in herself. “Well, it’s going to be a lot of responsibility because part of my plan is to give them better access to medical care than they’ve ever had. But you’ll still have to take orders from me. And you cannot, as you called it, jump the scene. I can’t put a doctor out there. It’s not practical. And I can’t even go with a nurse because we have a shortage of them at the hospital. But a paramedic is the perfect person because you’re trained in medicine and first response. You don’t get to act independently, though. There will be a lot of situations that won’t be yours to call. And even though I might not be on-site, I’ll still be the one who makes the big decisions. Which does have me concerned. I’ll be honest about that.”

  “I’m not going to mess this up, Jack. It’s an opportunity I never expected and...” She swallowed hard, fighting back her emotion. “I mean, I know I’ve got a long way to go before you turn me loose, but...thank you.” She swiped back a tear and sniffled. “Thank you.”

  He really wanted this to work out. Saka’am needed more than they had, and Carrie needed more, as well. In her vulnerable moments it was so clear. But she fought that vulnerability. Fought it hard. So he was worried about whether this was the right decision, especially since she hadn’t even started her training yet. But, well...there was something about Carrie that drew him in more and more every time he saw her. And he couldn’t stop himself from reacting. “So, go home, pack an overnight bag, and I’ll pick you up in a little while.”

  Carrie pushed herself out of the chair and smiled. “I’ll be waiting.” Then she hurried out his door.

  And Jack...well, he stayed in his chair a few minutes longer, wondering why he’d just done that. He had all the good reasons ready on the tip of his tongue but there was another one, one he wasn’t willing to give serious thought to. That was the one that made him nervous. The unthinkable thought that was beginning to unravel him. The one that made him do something he wouldn’t normally do—get involved. And, any way he looked at it, he was involved.