A Secret Until Now

by Kim Lawrence

  Angel had managed to adopt Alex’s what-an-adventure-you’ve-had tack with Jasmine, who was displaying a youthful resilience that Angel envied. After having a bath and a sandwich or two from the tray that had arrived at the room Jasmine had barely been able to keep her eyes open. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

  Going back to the living room, Angel persuaded a reluctant Nico that he didn’t need to stay.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Totally. I’m just going to take a shower and head for bed myself.’

  Finally alone, she checked on Jasmine before she padded over to the shower, leaving all the interconnecting doors open so that she would hear should Jasmine wake. She didn’t, of course, but Angel spent more time stepping out wet to check for some imaginary sound than she did washing off the sand and grime.

  Not bothering to dry her hair, she squeezed out the excess water and brushed it back off her face with her fingers. It fell in a heavy rope-like twist down her back. Pulling on the silk robe hung behind the door, she belted it and hurried back to Jasmine’s room to double check, her heart suddenly pumping double-time as she stepped into the room.

  Angel felt the panic leave her with a soft whoosh. Her daughter hadn’t moved since she’d last looked, which was probably all of five minutes ago. It wasn’t as if she had expected Jas to have vanished.... Her knees shook a little as she made an effort to gather her composure.

  Walking back into the adjoining room, she started on hearing a knock on the door. It wouldn’t be Alex—he wouldn’t have knocked and maybe he wouldn’t even come. Nico would have reported that they were all right. Why should he come?

  Because I want him to!

  Pull yourself together, Angel. Since when did you need a shoulder to cry on? Impatient with herself, she went to the door where a smiling maid in the dark blue hotel uniform stood holding a tray.

  ‘The coffee you ordered, miss.’

  Did I?

  Angel thanked the girl and didn’t pursue the forgetfulness. Amnesia registered pretty low down in the day’s events, so Angel asked the maid to put the tray down on the coffee table.

  Two reviving cups later Angel was standing on the veranda when she saw him.

  She watched him approach, shading her eyes against the glare of the setting sun that threw pink fingers of light across the silver water. He was too far away for her to make out anything, but his silhouette and his long-legged elegant stride were unmistakable, the way he moved as distinctive as a fingerprint.

  Post-caffeine hit she was thinking more clearly, and as she squared her shoulders she knew what he had come to say. Not the words precisely, but definitely the sentiment of the things he would not say in front of Jasmine. And she wasn’t going to fight him on it. He was here to blame her, call her a terrible mother and he was right. She had no defence against the truth any more than she had defence left against her feelings for him.

  She loved him.

  It had taken her long enough to work it out. When it came to personal relationships she was a blank page. Unlike her, Alex knew about relationships. He’d been in love enough to get married, enough to be devastated when he lost the love of his life, enough to sleep with the first... Well, maybe not the first woman he met but probably the first one who had begged him to take her to bed.

  One night of escaping his nightmares, seeking oblivion in mindless sex and who could blame him? It would take a harsh critic to judge him for that but he had clearly judged himself and struggled to wipe the shameful memory from his mind. Marry him.... Yeah, sure, they really were the foundations of a great relationship!

  Obviously she knew that Alex was physically attracted to her, and his devotion to Jasmine was not in question. But Angel knew that wasn’t enough. Easy thing to say now when she was clear headed, but in his presence—and certainly in his arms—she rarely felt that way.

  Then keep out of his arms, Angel!

  Alex slowed and paused, one hand on the wooden balustrade, coming to a dead halt at the bottom of the shallow flight of wooden steps. The sight of her standing there stole his breath away, the same way she had stolen his heart.

  She had every reason to hate him but her generous heart had let him in. She’d given him a second chance, and of course he understood she was wary of trusting him, but if it took him the rest of his life he would convince her.

  Her heart started to thud heavily, the echo loud in her ears as he mounted the steps. She could feel the acid taste of self-recrimination in her mouth. He could not possibly blame her more than she did herself.

  And she’d lectured him on the responsibilities of being a parent! It was on her watch that this had happened. It didn’t matter how many times she went over it in her head, she still couldn’t figure out how it had happened; her attention had only been distracted for a moment—and that had been enough.

  The blue pedal pushers and white shirt were gone. She now wore a black silk kimono emblazoned with humming birds that ended midcalf to reveal her endless golden legs. His eyes slid hungrily down her body, over the soft, sinuous, sexy curves, and he swallowed, losing his focus as his body surged lustfully. When his gaze settled back on her face her slicked-back hair revealed her face as a perfect oval.

  ‘Is she asleep?’

  Angel nodded, lifted her chin and launched into a pre-emptive apology. ‘I know it was my fault, totally and—’

  He touched a finger to her lips. ‘You talk so much rubbish.’

  Angel had steeled herself for his accusations; she was totally prepared for his anger. She could have taken that, but what she had no protection from was the incredible tenderness in his face, the concern in his blue eyes and the caressing warmth in his vibrant voice as he took her by the shoulders and looked down into her face, not judging her but offering her support.

  ‘Sorry I was so late but I wanted to be there when the police arrived and explain the situation. And I didn’t want to leave until we’d checked the perimeter fence for holes, a classic case of after the horse has bolted, I know, but—’ He stopped. ‘Here’s me babbling and you...you poor baby, you look like hell.’

  Her lip quivered. ‘I... For God’s sake, don’t be nice to me, Alex!’

  Ignoring her plea, he slid his arms slid around her back. ‘Come here.’

  Her face crumpled and she stepped into him, feeling his arms close around her as the tears began to flow.

  She almost choked on her shame and sense of inadequacy as she struggled to communicate her guilt to him. ‘It was all my fault. I—’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ he condemned roughly as he passed a hand over her slick wet hair. ‘You can’t watch a child every second. Even I know that.’

  Her teary face lifted. ‘I can and I will,’ she flashed fiercely, fighting against every instinct she had as she pulled away, dabbing her wet face with her hands and sniffing.

  Who’d have thought a sniff could be sexy...? Not Alex, but with Angel there had always been a steep learning curve. Fighting against the temptation to haul her back into his arms, he took a couple deep breaths to conquer and beat the dangerous need into submission. She was shattered physically and emotionally; this was not the time.

  ‘So what did Mark say? You didn’t mind me calling him? I just thought it would be less traumatic than a trip to the hospital. I explained about her hip.’

  ‘He was great with her and she’s fine. Just superficial scratches and she was very thirsty. He gave her an antibiotic jab to be on the safe side.’ Angel’s eyes darkened as she shuddered and whispered, ‘When I think what could have happened.’

  ‘Don’t!’

  She closed her mouth over the smart ‘easy for you to say’ retort, realising with a stab of remorse that it wasn’t easy for him. If she still needed it she’d had ample proof today that Alex loved his daughter deeply. Today he had been a
rock.

  ‘It is a totally pointless exercise to torture yourself this way.’

  She exhaled a long shuddering sigh. ‘You’re right.’

  Some of the gravity left his face as he gave a crooked half smile. ‘I am?’

  She didn’t smile back. ‘I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you for what you did today.’

  Alex shook his head, embarrassed by her shining-eyed gratitude. He did not want her gratitude—he wanted her. ‘There is nothing to thank me for.’

  Her green eyes widened in protest. ‘If you hadn’t found her before it got dark it could have been hours before she was discovered and anything could have happened.’ There were a lot worse things out there than kittens.

  He touched her chin, drawing her face round to his as his fingers moved to frame the side of her face. ‘You weren’t going to do that, remember...?’ She nodded, her throat too thick with emotion to speak. ‘I was only doing what a dad is meant to and, let’s face it,’ he added bleakly, ‘I have some time to make up for.’

  The regret in his voice brought a lump to her throat. No matter what pain it cost her it was worth it for Jasmine to have her father in her life.

  ‘Can I see her?’

  Her reply was husked with emotion. ‘Of course. You don’t have to ask.’

  ‘Since when?’

  She gave an uncomfortable half shrug. ‘I know I’ve been defensive and suspicious. It’s hard for me to—’

  He filled in the blank. Trust. And he had played a big part in any trust issues Angel might have.

  A strange expression flickered across his face. Taking her totally by surprise, he leaned down and kissed her mouth softly. ‘I’ll hold you to that promise.’

  Balling her hand into a fist to stop it going to her trembling lips, she went with him, but paused at the bedroom door and let him go inside alone.

  When he dragged himself away from the sleeping child—it still seemed a total stunning miracle that he had had anything to do with her creation—Alex found Angel outside on the veranda. Night had fallen and the white fairy lights wrapped around the branches in the trees had sparked into life, their glow lending the scene a twinkling other-worldly quality.

  ‘It’s a beautiful evening....’

  Angel turned and she looked so magnificent that for a moment he couldn’t breathe. He stopped midsentence and, loosing a low growl of frustration, he dragged a frustrated hand through his hair.

  ‘This is ridiculous!’ His dark brows drew together in a straight, uncompromising line above his hawkish, masterful nose. ‘I have so much to say and I’m discussing the weather with you, as if we’ve just met in the street!’

  From where she was standing Angel could feel the waves of emotion rolling off him. She shook her head urgently. ‘No, Alex!’ She knew what he was going to say—today could only have convinced him more that his duty was to marry her. Everyone thought she was cool and capable and it was an opinion she liked to encourage. Sometimes even she fell for the act, but today had outed her as a spineless, needy wimp who, when the going got tough, fell apart.

  ‘I can’t marry you, Alex.’

  Aware of how fragile she was, he struggled to control his impatience but he knew it was a battle he was losing.

  Pale but composed now, she took a step backwards, widening the gap between them, but not the growing tension. As she continued to hold his gaze she explained the situation in a distant expressionless voice.

  ‘Marriage,’ she explained carefully, ‘isn’t meant to be a penance.’

  His eyes darkened with outrage at the suggestion. He started forward and then stopped himself. ‘You think marriage to me would be a penance?’

  ‘Oh, God, no!’ She took a deep breath and waited for the urgent need to walk into his arms to pass. ‘Marriage to you would be...’ She stopped, lowered her gaze, thinking, Too little too late, Angel.

  Way too late. She had been standing there, not wearing her heart on her sleeve, but instead painted like a neon sign across her face!

  Still, she mused darkly, she was not telling him anything he didn’t already know.

  She made herself meet his eyes. ‘I know you think it’s your duty to marry me.’ Feeling the pressure of a future without Alex, a future where she waved goodbye as he drove off with Jasmine for the weekend pressing in on her, heavy and dark, she struggled to maintain eye contact as she told him bluntly. ‘I’m not what you need.’

  ‘What I need!’ he grated through clenched teeth before swearing in several languages. To hell with this not being the right time, to hell with her being fragile. He had to challenge her blind, wilful stupidity. ‘You know nothing, Angel Urquart, but I do. I know that you love me, so why the hell don’t you stop putting us both through hell and admit it?’

  ‘Love has got nothing to do with it,’ she flared back. ‘And don’t you dare yell at me. And even if it did...’ She shook her head and said firmly, ‘There are very good reasons why I can’t marry you.’

  ‘Name one,’ he challenged, looking unimpressed.

  ‘Well, you don’t love me.’ Hard words to say without sounding terribly vulnerable and needy but Angel liked to think she pulled it off. ‘You don’t even like me most of the time....’ Taking a moment to flick the damp tail of her hair over one shoulder, she left ample room for him to jump in, but he didn’t. He just stood there being unhelpful and looking so gorgeous that she wanted to weep.

  ‘You make me laugh, when you’re not making me yell.’

  She slung him a reproachful look. Did he have any idea how hard this was for her? ‘You think that you should marry me because of Jasmine. I know you mean well...!’

  His lips curled in dismissive scorn. ‘I am not some misguided do-gooder!’ He took a purposeful step towards her. ‘I am a man who wants you, and I intend to have you....’

  This outrageously arrogant pronouncement should have made her do many things: laugh scornfully, realise what a lucky escape she’d had, but no. Where on that list of responses came a surge of heavy, hot, toe-curling excitement?

  His confidence was total, impregnable. The gleam in his dark eyes as they looked down into her face was hungry.

  The urge to melt into him, to lift her face to receive the kiss she could almost taste, was so compelling that resisting it drew a tiny moan from her lips. His silence seemed to be willing her to make that move.

  ‘You know you want me, so why are you fighting it?’

  ‘Yes, I want you.’

  The admission upped the tension several more notches. His eyes glowed an incandescent, dizzying blue. The combustible quality that was always there just beneath the surface was no longer buried beneath a veneer of sophistication but right there in her face.

  ‘But you’re not talking about wanting, you’re talking about marriage. I can’t marry you, Alex.’

  ‘I keep hearing that—’

  She was unable to retreat any more as the back of her legs had made contact with the small rail that ran around the veranda. She held up her hand, more in hope than any real expectation it would stop his advance, and if he touched her she’d...!

  ‘I can’t marry you,’ she blurted, ‘because I can’t have any more children.’ His reaction to this information was hard to read because he didn’t display any reaction at all.

  She had been quiet too when they’d told her the details. She’d thought the overstretched professionals had been relieved when she hadn’t broken down, and they had spoken of her healthy attitude.

  ‘Do you understand what I’m saying?’

  He tilted his head to one side and surveyed her through narrowed eyes. He didn’t buy her supernatural composure for one second. He could feel the pain she was struggling to hide as sharply as if it had been his own. He fought the urge to haul her into his arms and tell her everything was going t
o be all right. He needed facts.

  ‘How about you tell me what you’re saying?’

  She responded to the quiet request with a minimal shrug. ‘I told you that I needed a Caesarean when Jas was born.’ He nodded. ‘I might have implied that it was straightforward.’

  He hefted out a deep sigh. ‘And it wasn’t.’

  Her shadowed gaze flickered upwards. Remote was the word that came to mind when she tried to read his expression. ‘I lost a lot of blood,’ she admitted. ‘And, well, technical stuff aside, the long and short of it is the chances of me conceiving again are pretty remote.’

  He heard her out in silence, his expression growing colder the longer she spoke. ‘You could have died—something that slipped your mind, I suppose.’

  She was not surprised he was angry. ‘Childbirth is very safe these days and my life was never in any real danger. It’s not something I think about too often. I have Jasmine, I don’t need... It’s a closed chapter for me and I didn’t see how it could affect us. I mean, how was I to know that you were so ridiculously old-fashioned? I wasn’t expecting you to propose.’

  ‘I really don’t see... If what you’re saying is true...’

  Her spine stiffened. ‘If!’ she ground out tautly. ‘Why would I lie?’ Did he think she got a kick out of revealing intimate medical details?

  ‘Get down off that high horse, Angel. I’m just trying to make sense of you taking the contraceptive pill unless you were just saying...’

  ‘Oh... I am on the pill, the doctors advised it. Although the chances of me getting pregnant are pretty much the same as winning the lottery, it still is technically possible.’ With further tests he had said he could be more precise but Angel, who had had enough of being poked and prodded, had refused.

  ‘Why am I getting the impression that you are giving me only half the story?’