by Jenna Jacob
He stopped in the foyer and turned just as she rounded the corner and slammed right into his chest. The tempting heat of her body enveloped him, sending a raging fire to race through his veins. Like a match to kindling, everything inside him ignited.
Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around her and held on tight as her eyes grew wide and she halfheartedly tried to wiggle free.
“Why not? You think you’re the only one who can walk away? Is that it?”
“You’re never going to forgive me for hurting you, are you? You’re going to keep rubbing my nose in it, like a puppy that’s peed on the carpet.”
“Not until I’m convinced you mean it,” he sneered.
His challenge deflated her like a worn-out tire. She slumped in his arms as tears swam in her eyes, but she blinked them away. Sky’s gut clenched as if he’d been sucker-punched. The little boy inside him sought retribution, but the man so fucking desperately in love with her only wanted to comfort her. He hated that every time he was near her, he turned into a fucking pathetic emotional mess.
A fat tear slid down her cheek, and Sky felt like the biggest bastard on the planet.
“Whether you believe it or not, leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. Getting mixed up with Doug was stupid, but you…you’re the one regret I carry with me every damn day. I know you probably don’t believe that, but it’s the god’s honest truth. If I had a magic wand, I wouldn’t waste it on changing a thing Doug did to me. I’d go back to that last incredible summer we spent together and never leave you.”
Her voice, filled with remorse, cracked. Unshed tears shimmered in her eyes, and dammit, he knew she was telling the truth. Hope, like a bird, took flight and soared.
Sky smashed his lips over hers, forcing his tongue deep as he pressed her up against the wall. His first kiss was rough…filled with retribution for breaking his heart. But his next kiss was tender, conveying to her that all was forgiven. He didn’t want to extract revenge. All Sky wanted was to forge a new path with her…and hope it might last forever.
If you want her in your life again, you’ll have to tell her everything. Every. Fucking. Thing.
The muscles in his body tensed like a hunter’s bow. The thought of confessing his sins to Katie terrified him. His heart slammed in his chest as if he’d run a marathon, and his mouth was as dry as cotton. A loud ringing filled his ears, and he pulled away from her as a blast of pure panic assaulted him.
“What the hell is wrong? You’re…you’re shaking,” she asked in a tone filled with fear. “Please don’t…don’t walk out on me. I swear I’ll find a way to make it up to you, even if it takes the rest of my life. Just please, don’t leave me like—”
“Stop,” he barked. “Stop shrinking away on me. I’m not Doug, goddammit. Fight me the way you used to. If you want me to stay…then prove it. But for god’s sake, stop being so fucking submissive. Give me back the Katie I love.”
Her mouth opened and closed as tears filled her eyes. “You really still love me…even after…after this morning?”
“Jesus, Katie…we had a fight. We always fight. You think I’m going to stop loving you every time we disagree? There’s nothing that could make me stop loving you. Haven’t you figured that out by now?” he snarled.
Suddenly, her tears vanished. She lifted her chin and thrust her shoulders back. Ramrod straight, she looked him in the eyes. Sky’s heart nearly burst with pride.
“That’s it. That’s what I’ve been dying to see…my gorgeous bullheaded beauty. It’s about damn time you dragged her out of the closet and dusted her off. Now, keep her here. Right the fuck here, because I never want to lose you again. You got that?”
“You never lost me, Sky,” she whispered as she cupped his cheek. “But I don’t know if I can stay this way…I won’t make any promises to you that I can’t keep. My life is…”
“As fucked up as mine. Yes, I know.” He nodded with a humorless chuckle.
“What do you mean?” she scoffed. “Your life’s perfect.”
“Don’t bet on that.” A chill spilled down his spine.
“But…I don’t understand. I thought Brooke was going to be all right.”
“She is…I’m not.”
“What in the hell are you talking about? Are you sick? Oh, god, please tell me you didn’t contract some incurable disease in Iraq, like Agent Orange or something.”
“No, just a terminal case of guilt and shame.”
The words poured off his lips before he could stop them. Did he have the strength to tell her what lurked inside him? Even if he did, it wouldn’t do any good. She was already struggling with her own demons. She didn’t need his joining in the fray.
No. The timing was wrong…all wrong. He was a hairsbreadth away from resurrecting the old Katie…Sky could feel that in his bones. He couldn’t risk pulling the rug out from under her with his crap, but if they ever stood a chance to be together again, this was one secret he couldn’t keep hidden from her. Caught between a rock and a hard place, he scrubbed a hand over his face. He couldn’t expect her to demolish her walls when he wouldn’t lift a finger to dismantle his own.
The air stilled in his lungs. Sky couldn’t breathe. The room began to spin, and he stumbled back, bashing his head into the coatrack as anxiety rolled through him. A life of happiness or rejection rode on this one decision. He had to choose and choose wisely.
“Sky?” Katie asked, clearly distraught. “Dammit. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
He staggered into the kitchen with Katie hot on his heels. She wrapped her slender hands around his shoulders and crawled up on her tiptoes, staring into his eyes.
“Tell me. Whatever you’re trying to hide, spill it. Your secrets are just as safe with me as mine are with you. Tell me what the hell has you so freaked out. Now.”
She searched his eyes in such a way Sky knew he could no longer hide the truth. “It’s bad, Katie. Real fucking bad.”
“I don’t care. I won’t tell a soul…ever,” she promised as she led him to the table. “Sit. Take deep breaths and calm down while I get you a drink of water.”
If he hadn’t been half-crazed with fear, Sky would have fought Katie’s command, but he was too worried about the fallout to balk. When she handed him the glass, Sky tipped it back, draining the water in three gulps. She hurried to the sink, refilled it again before sitting down beside him.
A cold sweat covered his skin, and Sky reached out, gripping her hand as he stared into her face. The sunlight streaming through the windows glistened in her long, auburn hair. A tiny rainbow prism fluttered over her cheek, and for a second, Sky saw the innocence she’d worn when they were kids. The thought of sullying her with his secrets made his stomach pitch.
“I don’t know if I can do this, Katie,” he confessed on a tortured groan.
“Yes, you can. Whatever you have to say, it’s not going to make me think less of you. I promise.”
God, I hope so.
Trepidation thundered through him. Was baring his soul some subconscious litmus test? Would releasing the truth make him a better man, father, and son? He didn’t know. Katie might never forgive him…he didn’t really expect her to, but if she could at least understand he’d had no other choice, it might amputate the stranglehold of guilt choking the life out of him. Of course, he had to be prepared for Katie to be so appalled and disgusted that she’d walk right out of his life…forever.
Sky’s hands grew damp, and his heart continued to thunder. Dropping his chin, he stared at Gran’s antique table. He’d eaten more meals on this slab of wood than he could count. Katie squeezed his hand, silently coaxing him to begin. He sucked in a breath. Gathering courage, from clear down in his toes, he mentally broke open the seal of the metal door inside him.
“I met Nina’s mother, Badra, a couple of years after arriving in Iraq. I’d been handpicked to join a group of Recon Marines to gather intelligence and run surveillance of insurgents. She was an ally working alongside the Iraqi
security forces.” Already, Sky wanted to throw up. Instead, he swallowed tightly and went on. “They kept her hidden in a special housing section on our base of operations. Once a week, under heavy guard, Badra was taken to a rendezvous point to gather information from another Iraqi freedom fighter named Yazem. The intelligence he provided helped us crush numerous strongholds. She was pretty, and I guess I felt sorry for her, living in a country torn apart, where death and destruction were the norm. I was assigned to watch over Badra. A few months after I arrived, we…she and I…”
“You became involved.”
Sky nodded, grateful Katie provided the words he struggled to drag from his lips. He dared a glance up at her and was met with open understanding. The steel door within buckled like cheap sheet metal in the August sun. She’d given him the courage to continue, and the words he’d kept buried for nearly five long years spilled free.
“I should have never trusted her, but I didn’t choose to see what I was getting myself into. I used her as an escape from the pain of you leaving me. When I finally figured out she was using me, too…well, by then it was too late. Badra wanted to latch on to an American so she could leave Iraq. She swore she was on the pill…that was the first lie I caught her in,” Sky spat, but the bitter taste still lingered on his tongue. “When my CO found out I’d knocked her up, the shit hit the fan. He put extra guards on Badra. We all knew what would happen to her if her family found out she was pregnant. They would drag her off and stone her to death.”
“Oh, my god,” Katie gasped softly.
“I was given an honorable discharge and told to go back home. I refused to leave my unborn child in that fucking hellhole, so I signed up with the private contractors guarding Badra. My CO wasn’t thrilled, but he understood why I couldn’t leave. He had four kids of his own.”
Sky’s mind filled with visions of the past. His guts churned, and he wanted to stop while he could. Gulping down most of the water, he tried to keep his shit wired tight and simply get it over with.
“I had a sixth sense when it came to interrogating prisoners. Obtaining intelligence is nasty business…brutal and inhumane. My nickname was The Exterminator. I’m sure you can surmise why, and I’ll just leave it at that.” Sky swallowed the bile rising in the back of his throat. “I’m not proud of the things I’ve done. Believe me. I’m not that man anymore, I swear.”
Katie drew his hand to her lips and gently kissed his knuckles. Her comfort eased the noose that had been drawn tight around his throat.
“I was guarding Badra one night when she went to meet with Yazem. When he gave her a brotherly hug and realized she was pregnant, he went ballistic…fucking out of his damn mind. He tried to attack her, so we forcibly restrained him while they talked. He demanded to know who the father was, but Badra refused to tell him anything except that the father was an American. As their conversation continued, Yazem seemed to relax and finally gave her the Intel we needed. When he stood to leave, he launched at her and slapped her across the face so hard she fell to the sand. I went nuts and hit him with the butt of my M16 until the other guards pulled me off him. I could tell by the look in Yazem’s eyes he knew I was the father. He threated to have me beheaded, spat in my face, and left.”
Katie moved in closer to wrap her arms around him. The heat of her body felt incredible but did little to melt the ice that sluiced through his veins.
“Nina was born a few months later. I was allowed to guard her there at the operations base while we waited for paperwork to get back to the States. About a month later, while most everyone was out on a recon mission, Yazem appeared in camp. He was frantic and scared and insisted on talking to Badra.
“I brought her in to see him. Right away, he apologized for hitting her…he even smiled and cooed at Nina. He acted as if he were fine, but something about him was off. I remember the hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end as they talked. When Yazem started speaking in Arabic, I stopped him and reminded him he could only talk in English. He nodded and continued talking, but their conversation was stilted. A few minutes later, he stood and began yelling at her in another language. I think it was Armenian. Badra looked scared, so I tossed Yazem out, and a couple of the other guys took him out into the desert.”
“Did they kill him?” Katie asked with wide eyes.
“I have no idea. It was the last time I saw him, but I didn’t ask. I was too interested in what he’d said to Badra. She was scared but fed me lies…told me everything was fine. But her body language said otherwise. Guilt was in her eyes, and I could feel the anxiety pouring off her. She sat there clutching Nina to her chest as if I were going to reach down and steal our daughter from her. I fought my conscience for a little while, but finally I dragged her to the communications tent. When we got there, all hell was breaking loose. We could hear the firefight over the radio…hear the screams of pain as men lay dying. Badra turned white and began to shake and cry…confirming what I already knew in my gut. When it was over, we’d lost seven contractors and a couple dozen Iraqi special forces soldiers.”
Sky could still see the glint of terror in Badra’s eyes when he confronted her. “You flipped, didn’t you? You sold us out. Don’t try to deny it…I can see it written all over your face. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
“I had to. Yazem was going to kill you before my eyes…before Nina’s eyes. I did it to save you. To save us.”
“Bullshit! You did it to save yourself,” he’d roared.
“When the teams returned to camp, I made Badra watch them pull the dead bodies of my friends out of the duce and a half. Then I took Nina from her arms and turned Badra over to my boss. It was the last time I saw her…alive.”
Sky scrubbed a hand down his face, then stared at the glass of water sitting on the table as Katie softly wept.
“I learned that Badra didn’t survive the interrogation and that she’d been spying for both sides all along. God only knows how many Americans and Iraqi forces died because of her. I tried to make myself think of her as just another insurgent, because I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that the mother of my child was a fucking spy.”
A lump caught in his throat, and Sky worked hard to blink back his tears.
“I was sick of the war, sick of the desert, sick of death, torture, and innocent lives being lost. After that night, I mentally tapped out. My former CO managed to get the brass to push our paperwork through, and six weeks later, Nina and I were back home in Connor.
“I was a mess for a long time. Mom and Gran took care of Nina while I worked on blocking out the ghosts that had followed me home. Mom knew something bad had happened, of course, but I wouldn’t tell her anything…I still can’t. Hell, I’m not sure telling you was a wise thing to do, but…”
Silence stretched between them like a circus high wire. Finally, Sky raised his head and looked into Katie’s red-rimmed eyes. She sniffed and swiped the tears from her cheeks.
“I know how impossibly hard that was for you, but I’m glad you told me.” She cupped her hand to his face. “I’m not sure why you haven’t told Brooke. She’ll understand…like I do. You have nothing to feel ashamed about.”
Sky jerked his head from her hands and clenched his teeth. “How can you say that? I…I killed the mother of my child. I’m a fucking monster,” he screamed.
“You didn’t kill her and you’re no fucking monster,” she yelled back at him.
He scoffed. Katie obviously hadn’t been paying attention to his story.
“You’re not,” she repeated with conviction. “You’re a brave and courageous man who did what he had to do. None of this was your fault…it was Badra’s.” She leaned in and kissed his cheek.
“Bullshit,” he thundered, slamming his fist on the table. “It’s my fault she’s dead. I could have stepped in to stop it. I could have pretended that she wasn’t involved and…”
Katie clenched her jaw and raised her chin. “And what? Tried to live with the deaths of who knows
how many eating at your conscience? No. I know you, Sky. You always do the right and honorable thing. It’s her fault she’s dead. Badra made her own choices. You had nothing to do with that.”
“I could have tried to protect her…somehow.” Sky’s voice cracked, and he hung his head.
“Why would you want to? Badra didn’t lift a finger to stop the slaughter of your friends. She knew the consequences of her actions. You were armed when she met with Yazem, right?” Sky nodded, dejectedly. “She could have told you to kill him before he had the chance to kill you, but she didn’t, did she? Dammit, Sky. You can’t keep carrying the guilt of her choices on your back…it only makes you one more victim of her betrayal.”
He appreciated Katie’s attempt to wash away his guilt for Badra…forgive him for all the atrocities he’d carried out, but Sky still felt the weight of guilt in his chest…felt it squeeze his heart like a fist. “You don’t understand, Katie…I tortured people.”
“Yes, but how many lives did you save with the information you gained?”
“I don’t know.”
“What bothers you most, Sky? The fact that you had to hurt people in order to keep your troops alive or that Badra played you?”
“All of it…their blood is on my hands, dammit,” he growled. “What kind of fucking animal kills the mother of his child?”
“You weren’t the one doling out the torture, Sky. You weren’t the one who killed her.”
“When I turned her in, I knew she wasn’t going to come out of that tent alive.”
“She could have…if she’d cooperated and told them what they wanted to know. That was her choice. Not yours,” Katie spat. “Do you think it’s my fault that Doug beat me and raped me?”
He turned his angry glare on her as a wave of indignation rolled through him. “Hell no,” he barked.
“You’re as guilty for what happened to Badra as I am for Doug’s abuse. It’s not a pretty fact, but we’re victims. Fucking victims and it sucks because we can’t go back and change a damn thing…can’t erase the hurt, anger, and guilt that are still living inside us,” Katie cried. “Somehow…someway we have to come to terms with what was done to us and let it go. If we don’t, we’ll stay victims forever. I won’t live like that anymore. It’s not who I want to be. I know it’s not who you want to be, either.”
