Back to Me

by Lindsay Paige

  “We weren’t home, so he left a message. He wanted us to call him back and let him know how to get in touch with you since you changed your number.”

  “Did you?” God, please say no.

  “No.”

  My body immediately relaxes. “Good. Don’t.”

  “You aren’t curious as to why he wants to talk to you?”

  “No,” I snap. “I am not. There’s nothing he could want that would be worth speaking to him.”

  Mom is quiet for only a minute or so. “Have you at least told Noah why you and Vance broke up?”

  “Yes.” I take a deep breath and decide to fill her in as much as I did Noah. “Vance didn’t want me anymore, Mom. You saw how I was when I came home. I was needy and had too much going on in my head. Vance didn’t want that in a wife.”

  Mom frowns. “You weren’t needy, Meredith. You were in a bad place, yes, but there’s nothing wrong with that considering what you’re going through. If that’s why he left, then good riddance.”

  Yes, good riddance indeed.

  The weekend seems to fly by. I finished packing what clothes I wanted Saturday and spent the rest of my time hanging out with my parents and preparing my house to be left unattended. Mom is going to stop by every so often to check on things.

  Noah has been texting me a lot all weekend, especially today to confirm when I’ll be home. I’m not sure why it matters since he’s not getting in until late tonight. He’s on the verge of driving me crazy. I don’t think I can really blame him, but we’re eventually going to have to tackle this issue.

  I get to his apartment around one in the afternoon. It’s so quiet and lonely without Noah. As requested, I text him.

  Me: Home sweet home.

  Noah: Good! Want me to wake you up when I get there?

  Me: Yep.

  Despite getting on my nerves, I miss him. Our lack of problems so far as well as what my dad said to me over the weekend has been bugging me. Before I can change my mind, I send another text.

  Me: Do you think we’ll make it this time around, Noah?

  Noah: Do you plan to leave me again?

  That’s his first, quick response? It hurts and angers me. I throw my phone to the other side of the couch. It chimes with another text, but I don’t bother reading it. In fact, I grab the car keys and walk out of the door. He can deal with the silent treatment for a while. It’s not like we’ll really be able to hash it out with him on the road and in a game in a few hours anyway.

  I’VE NEVER BEEN so nervous for a fucking preseason game as I am tonight, and it’s all because I can’t seem to focus. I knew I fucked up the moment I hit send. Her question threw me off; I wasn’t expecting the change in topic and sent the first thing that came to mind. I tried texting her and calling her, but she’s been ignoring me.

  “Rams, what the hell? Go.” Marc shoves my shoulder to propel me forward.

  Being lost in my head has created a gap between me and the person ahead of me from the line we formed to head out of the tunnel. I shake my head as if that could erase her from my mind. Hearing the national anthem starts coating my mind in efforts to numb it from anything not hockey-related. There’s still a little voice in the back of my mind talking incessantly about any possible repercussions from my fuck-up. My body easily shifts gears like an automatic memory muscle response the moment my skates touch the ice.

  However, just because my body is doing what it should doesn’t mean it’s communicating correctly with my head. Thank goodness this is a preseason game and some of the younger guys need more ice time. If this game depended on me, we’d be losing terribly. We’re not, and I only know this because I’ve stood to bump fists a few times.

  I wonder what Meredith is doing, though. How mad is she? Probably fucking pissed. I need to figure out how to make it up to her.

  I’m on the ice and Marc passes me the puck. I should easily have it on my stick, but somehow I allow a guy to swoop in and steal it from me. It takes three seconds to realize I don’t have it. Fuck. I pump my legs and trail after everyone else who is already paces ahead of me. My mistake causes a near goal, if not for Liam Irving being so solid.

  “Rams! What the fuck are you doing out there?” Marc bitches at me the moment we’re on the bench at the end of our shift. “How did you mess up a simple pass?”

  “Back the fuck off, Marco,” I snap, calling him by his nickname. “Shit happens.”

  “It’s just not like you is all.”

  He’s right. But I’ve never had Meredith in my head during a game either.

  It’s not often I enter my apartment feeling completely anxious. Meredith never texted me back after I was an ass to her. All I want to do is make up and move on. When I quietly enter my room, Meredith isn’t in my bed. My heart starts pounding. Was she so pissed that she left?

  No. Meredith wouldn’t leave things like that. Right? She said she was here to stay, which is what I should’ve thought about before texting her. She wouldn’t leave at the first problem, would she? I want to say she wouldn’t, even though my thundering heartbeat suggests otherwise. My gut says she wouldn’t leave without saying something first. She has to still be here. Plus, my car is here.

  So, where is she?

  It takes five long, panicked minutes of staring at my empty bed for it to click. I turn and walk the short distance to the guest bedroom. My lungs freeze as I slowly push the door open. The air empties out when I see her asleep in the wrong bed.

  She didn’t leave.

  Ignoring her choice of where to sleep and the volumes it speaks, I hurry to the bed, getting one knee onto the bed before I stop short as something wiggles in front of Meredith’s chest.

  What the hell?

  I crawl the rest of the way, lean over her body, and turn on the lamp. There’s a little white puppy trapped in her arms. I brace my arms on either side of her as the puppy stares at me and lean down to kiss her cheek. Her eyelids flutter.

  “Why is there a puppy in my apartment, Mere?”

  At the sound of my voice, she rolls onto her back, blinking slowly at me a few times. “I wanted something to cuddle with when you’re gone.”

  “Where’d you find him?”

  “At the pet store. He was up for adoption and I had to have him.”

  Her brain must be lagging because she hasn’t realized she’s pissed at me yet. I pick up the puppy and lie next to her with my back against the headboard. He’s a cute little guy. Some kind of terrier, I think.

  “Why aren’t you in my bed?” I ask, nuzzling the sleepy puppy under his chin.

  She reaches over and gently takes the puppy from me. “Because you’re a jackass and I’m pissed off,” she deadpans, rolling away from me as if she’s going to sleep, cuddling the puppy to her chest again.

  “Mere,” I begin, but she cuts me off.

  “Don’t Mere me, Noah. Just get out. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

  “No.”

  She rolls over with a glare. “No? Fine. Let’s talk about how a weekend for me to go home and get clothes, so I can live here with you, freaked you the hell out! Don’t throw out any bullshit about me leaving you either. You told me you were okay with it. You didn’t fight to keep me, Noah. How is it my fault?”

  “Fight to keep you? What would’ve been the point? So you’d stay and resent me? There’s no way I would’ve told you to stay, no matter how much I wanted it. I had no problem with the idea of long distance. You were the one who didn’t think we’d last.”

  “That’s not why I left!” she shouts. She’s right. She left because she wanted her career more than she wanted me. Meredith huffs and rolls back over. Her voice is calm, and that scares the hell out of me. “Get out of my room.”

  “Since when do you give up so easily?”

  “Since I realized I don’t have to talk about it if I don’t want to.”

  “And look how well that’s done you.”

  “Yeah, back here with you,” she deadpans.

  I
run my fingers through my hair, tugging on it in frustration. There’s no way I’m leaving this room without her. Sliding down until my head hits the pillow, I turn on my side. Instead of pulling her to me, I scoot closer to her. The fact that she doesn’t push me away relaxes me just a little.

  “You know that is not why I left,” she says in an even tone.

  “I know,” I reply quietly. “I think it would’ve been easier to deal with if it was.”

  “Why?”

  “You basically left because you didn’t want to deal with the hassle of having me in your life.” And that is undeniably true.

  “Stop trying to make me feel bad!” she snaps.

  I sigh. “I’m not.” Honestly, I’m not, but if I’m to say what happened and why it actually happened, I can’t help if it makes her feel bad.

  “Just tell me what your problem is now. I don’t want to focus on the past if we don’t have to.”

  “You know how there are some things that happen, intentional or not, mutual or not, that scar you for life?” Her body tenses against me. “It creates certain reactions from you, forms fears, and just leaves a bad taste in your mouth?” She nods. “That is one of those things for me. You are the trigger for the pain, but also the bandage to help me heal. I know the why, I semi-supported it, understood it, and was willing to let it happen, but at the end of the day, you still left and it still hurt like hell.”

  Her voice is softer now, her body leaning into mine instead of pulling away. “And you’re scared I’ll leave again?”

  “It freaks me out, yeah. There wasn’t anything wrong with our relationship before, everything was perfect, and you still walked away. It could happen again.” There. She knows my biggest fear now. It’s not irrational in the least. If a person can walk away from a relationship when everything is going right, when there are no huge looming problems, when the obstacles can be conquered, then who’s to say it can’t happen again? Who’s to say that person won’t walk away when things get difficult? Or, when the relationship is fragile and all it needs is patience and love, that the person won’t give up too soon?

  Who’s to say if Meredith can heal from her shoulder and has the opportunity to play tennis again that she won’t choose her career over me again? She’s always been adamant that she didn’t want long distance. I don’t know if she’s changed her mind or not, so it’s still a likely possibility in my mind.

  She rolls over, bringing the puppy with her. “I’m not going to walk away twice, Noah. I’m not that stupid.” She gives me a wry smile, making me smile in return. “You need to trust me.”

  “I’ll work on it,” I promise, and I will because I want her more than anything else in this world. My eyes fall to the wiggling puppy, who is trying to get comfortable. “So, impulsive decision?”

  Meredith’s eyes snap up to mine. “Doesn’t mean anything.”

  I cup her cheek, letting my thumb caress her lips. “For you, it does.”

  “Are you okay with me having a puppy in your apartment?” she asks, sidestepping the issue. “I’m also in here because I didn’t know if you’d want him in your bed.”

  “A little to late to ask now, don’t you think?”

  She laughs. “Yeah, I guess so.”

  We fall into silence. I wait for her to talk, but it soon becomes apparent that she isn’t going to unprompted.

  “Talk to me, Mere.”

  She strokes a finger over the puppy’s head, keeping her eyes on him instead of me. “I have issues, Noah. Some I’m not ready to deal with.” She flicks her gaze up to me.

  Her not talking to me about something as important as what she’s dealing with is not helping with my own issue of needing to trust her. “You can’t shut me out forever, and you shouldn’t want to.”

  “I don’t,” she weakly protests. I stare at her until she caves. “Okay, so I do want to, but only because things are so fucked up in my head, Noah. I feel like I should try to work out some of these things on my own. Not to mention, I still feel lost and this weekend was kind of stressful. Then you get all snappy at me on top of Vance apparently trying to get a hold of me. So, yeah. I saw a puppy and decided to adopt him. What’s so bad about that?”

  “Vance is trying to contact you?” That’s the only thing I took away from what she said.

  “I changed my number because of him. He called my parents’ house, left a message, and I told Mom not to call back and give him my new number.”

  I hate myself before the words ever leave my mouth. “You don’t think you should talk to him?”

  Fury I’ve never seen before flashes in her eyes. “No. Leave it alone, Noah,” she warns.

  She’s holding something back from me and I hate it. But tonight isn’t the time to push. “What kind of dog is he? Is he a he?”

  “Yes, and he’s a three-month-old Schnauzer. They said his name is Boomer, but I think we need to come up with something else because I’m not calling him that.”

  I laugh. “We can think of new names in my bed.”

  “You’re okay with him sleeping in your bed?”

  “As long as you’re in the bed and he’s not in my way, I don’t care.”

  She grins widely, kisses me, and then gets out of the bed to switch to mine. I follow her. “Did you freak out when I wasn’t in your bed?”

  “Yeah, but then I realized you wouldn’t have left things like this. What are you thinking of naming this little guy?” She’s cuddling him to her chest, lying on her side, and I reach around to rub his head.

  “I was thinking Leo. Short and cute like he is.”

  “You know, I’m here, so you really don’t have to cuddle with him.”

  She laughs. “Are you jealous?”

  “That he’s against your chest? Hell yeah, I am.”

  Meredith rolls over, settles him in the crook of her knees, and settles in next to me. “Miss me?” she asks with a grin.

  “Always.” I lean forward and finally get my kiss. I wish I could kiss her longer, but I pull away. “You sure you’re okay, Mere?”

  “I’m fine, Noah.”

  She isn’t, but she’s right. I need to trust her. Not only that she won’t walk away again, but that she’ll talk to me when she’s ready.

  That puppy is a pain in my ass.

  First, I wake up this morning with full intentions of having sex with Meredith and what happens? Before I can slip a hand up her shirt, the puppy is jumping around and Meredith says he has to go out now. Considering I didn’t want him using the bathroom in the apartment, I couldn’t stop her. The puppy cockblocked me. Once she comes back, I pull her into the bed and show her how much I love her and how sorry I am for being an ass.

  I have the day off, so I head to the kitchen to fix us a stack of pancakes. Meredith sits at the table with Leo in her lap, rubbing the top of his head. I keep glancing at her because she seems unusually quiet and focused on that puppy.

  “Mere,” I say a bit strongly.

  She lifts her head. “What?”

  “What’s bothering you?”

  Meredith frowns and looks back down at Leo. I shift my focus back to the pancakes. “It’s my first day without Gail. Erica pretty much ignored me last week. She can’t do that now.”

  “It’ll be fine,” I reassure her. I don’t think Erica would be unprofessional toward Meredith. I almost expected her to mention something about Vance, but I should’ve known better considering she avoids all talk of him. She nods, but still looks troubled. “You’re a famous player, Meredith. You’re good at the game and you know the game. She can’t deny that. You’ll get the hang of the job and then she’ll have no reason to be bothered by you on a professional level. It’ll be fine,” I repeat before adding, “Anything else on your mind?”

  “Actually,” she places Leo on the floor and walks over to the fridge, “yes.” My body absentmindedly tenses while I listen to her fix us drinks and grab the syrup while I finish plating the last of the pancakes. “Have you talked to your parents?�
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  I relax and set the plate on the table. “Not lately.”

  She falters in setting our glasses on the table. I grab plates and silverware before joining her, Leo trying to get comfortable at her feet. “As in not since I’ve been here?”

  “Yeah,” I confirm. “Why?”

  “Do you think they’ll be happy about us?”

  Her question makes me pause. Meredith never cared about that before. I mean, she might wonder, but if they didn’t, tough shit was her way of thinking. She didn’t want her happiness to be dependent on someone else liking her. Even her weak protest over my tattoo and ratting me out to my mom was more for me than for my mom or to get my mom to like her more.

  A surge of anger hits me hard. She’s doubting it because of whatever went down with her and that prick. She’s worried because of that. Otherwise, she would only be worried over what I thought and my happiness. I reach for her hand and tug gently. She stands and moves to sit in my lap, her arms automatically going around my shoulders.

  “If I’m happy, they’re happy.” She opens her mouth, but I talk over her. “Dad will be ecstatic because he’s always liked you. Mom and Ashley’ll be fine once they’re convinced I am happy. If they are upset, they’ll get over it eventually, especially once they see it for themselves. You don’t need to worry about that, Mere.”

  “Okay,” she nods. I almost crack a smile because this is my woman. She was worried, but I’ve reassured her and she’s satisfied. She won’t worry about it anymore. Meredith reaches for her fork and starts eating from my plate.

  “Hey,” I begin, realizing I need to ask her about this weekend. “The whole team is getting together with the coaches for a BBQ before the season gets underway. I’m hoping to show off my girlfriend if she wants to go with me.”

  “I’ll go with you. It’ll be fun to meet more of your teammates.”

  “And the wives and girlfriends. They’ll rope you in and make you family in no time.” Leo starts jumping at my leg, wanting attention. I warily glance down at him. We didn’t have pets growing up, so I’m unsure about having a dog. “What are you doing with him when you leave?”