Way Off Plan

by Alexa Land

  “Only if you can do it while you talk.”

  “Ok. Well, I should probably start by saying that Dmitri and I aren’t really cousins. I mean, we are, but we’re not related by blood. My father married Dmitri’s Aunt Josephine when I was three, after my real mom passed away. So, we’re related by marriage, but that’s it. And ok, it probably still sounds super gross, like there’s going to be banjo music playing at our inbred hillbilly weddin’ or something. But I just don’t want you to think it’s even worse than it actually is.”

  As she’d been talking, she’d been doctoring up my ice cream to match hers. Now she fished in the snack box and pulled out a jumbo pack of peanut butter cups, and crumbled a few over both our sundaes with a flourish before handing mine back to me.

  “Ok,” I said. “So why are you marrying your almost-but-not-quite cousin?”

  “Why do you think? Why do Dmitri and I ever do anything? Because we fucking have to. Because we’re both marionettes in Gregor Sokolov’s fucked up family theater.”

  “Your dad is making you marry your cousin?” I asked incredulously. “What the hell? And why don’t you tell him to shove it up his ass?”

  “Well, you know, when your dad says ‘I’ll kill you’ it’s just an expression. Not so much with my dad.”

  “You think he’d literally kill you if you didn’t go through with this marriage?”

  “Not me,” she said. “But it’s very likely that someone will get hurt if he doesn’t get what he wants.”

  I thought about Sokolov’s motivation for a minute, then said, “So, with this marriage his daughter would become a Teplov, and he’d become Dmitri’s father-in-law. That’s the angle, right? It cements your father’s position in the Teplov family structure.”

  “That’s it exactly. He’s not a Teplov by blood. And more than that, the Sokolov name carries a bad reputation from a deal gone wrong years ago. This would boost his position in the family by leaps and bounds.” Catherine stuffed a big spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.

  “So what did he do, give you two an ultimatum?”

  “He’s more subtle than that. He doesn’t come out and say these things directly. It’s all veiled threats and insinuations, against everyone Dmitri cares about.”

  “Has he threatened Dmitri’s sisters?”

  “Yup. But like I said, he does it subtly, pointing out that Dmitri’s sisters could get hurt or killed if they were no longer under my father’s protection, that sort of thing.” Catherine sighed and said, “He pretends to be reasonable. He allows us certain concessions, allows us the illusion of freedom. But in the end, we know we’re just his pawns.”

  “Concessions like turning his head while Dmitri flaunts his gay lifestyle?”

  “Exactly. And allowing us to wait until I finish college before we get married. That’s why the wedding’s in June, it’s shortly after my graduation.”

  “What else?”

  “He’s big on bribes,” Catherine said. “He bought us this house as an ‘early wedding present.’ Dmitri’s Maserati, my Porsche, my Yale education, Dmitri’s nightclub – my father thinks he’s sweetening the deal by being generous with us. But really, these things are just a pretty bandage over a very ugly wound.”

  Catherine set her bowl down. “I love Dmitri, he’s like a brother to me. And ok, that makes it sound even more disgusting that I’m marrying him. I don’t want my father to hurt him, or hurt someone Dmitri cares about. And it’s not such a hardship to marry him, anyway. It’s just a marriage on paper, we’d obviously never consummate it.” She actually shuddered when she said that.

  “I can’t believe he’d really go after Dmitri’s family.”

  Catherine said, her voice subdued, “Here’s an example of exactly who we’re dealing with. My stepmom, Dmitri’s Aunt Jo…she had an affair when she was married to my father, with this nice older guy named Vince Pasteretti, who ran the neighborhood deli. Vince turned up dead, completely mangled, like he’d been torn apart by animals.” Catherine looked up at me, her eyes wells of sadness. “The police couldn’t prove my father did it, he was too smart to get caught. But everyone knew it was him. In fact, he even indirectly bragged about killing Vince. That’s the kind of person my father is.”

  “I remember the Pasteretti case, even though I was just a kid when it happened. It was about twelve years ago. My Dad worked on the investigation, and it was all over the news for weeks because it was such a brutal murder. It’s still unsolved.”

  “You want to know the really fucked up thing? I mean, that’s already completely fucked up. But the extra fucked up thing is that my father didn’t even love Jo, he didn’t give a shit about her. He’d just married her to worm his way into the Teplov family. So why would he care that she was seeing someone on the side? But he killed that man anyway, out of spite, or to prove a point to Jo, or whatever. And not two weeks later, Jo killed herself.” Catherine’s voice broke, and I reached out and took her hand.

  After a pause, she composed herself enough to keep talking. “So, see, Dmitri knows who we’re dealing with, he knows what my father is capable of. And this is why we go along with his plans. Because if we didn’t, we know what could happen.”

  I thought about this for a while before saying, “But now that I know it’s a fake marriage, maybe Dmitri and I could sneak around after you two got married. We’d have to be really careful that your uncle didn’t find out. But maybe–”

  “Actually, it won’t even have a chance to come to that, Jamie. My cousin’s trying to call off the wedding. Idiot! He knows what the ramifications will be, he knows my father will never stand for it. That’s why I hopped on the first available flight when I got Dmitri’s text, to try to talk some sense into him before someone gets hurt.”

  “What did the text say?”

  “He told me he can’t marry me, because he’s in love with you. I mean Christ, Jamie, it’s a death sentence – either for you or for someone else Dmitri cares about.”

  “Dmitri hasn’t told me any of this. Not a word of it. Why did he keep all of that from me?”

  “That’s just Dmitri,” Catherine said, squeezing my hand. “He probably didn’t want to burden you. He’s been like that his whole life, always taking the weight of the world on his shoulders. Like, after his parents were killed, he dropped out of college and took care of all five of his sisters. And he was only nineteen. Dmitri took care of me as well, since I didn’t have a mom or a step mom, and God knows my father wasn’t looking after me. It had to be so hard, taking care of so many people. But he never complained, and never once asked anyone for help. That’s just how he is.”

  “Oh God,” I murmured. “That poor, wonderful man.”

  “He loves you so much, Jamie.” She held my gaze and said, “The morning after he met you, Dmitri texted me. He said, ‘I met the love of my life last night. I’m in so much trouble.’ And he’s right. This thing between the two of you? It’s going to blow up in his face. And how do you think a man as sweet and sensitive as Dmitri is going to fare after my father kills one of his sisters to get Dmitri in line? Or after he kills you? If my father hurts or kills someone Dmitri loves, he might as well put a bullet in my cousin’s brain, too. Because there’s no coming back from something like that, not for Dmitri.”

  “Sokolov has to be stopped, that’s the bottom line. That monster needs to be in jail.” And then I remembered I was talking to his daughter, and said, “No offense.”

  “None taken. I know what my father is, and I hate him for it.” Catherine hugged her knees to her chest. “But he’s not going to jail. He’s too smart for that.”

  “We have to do something, Catherine. We have to help Dmitri.”

  “I’m trying to help him. That’s why I’m here, two weeks into the fall semester, why I put everything on hold and hopped on a plane. I hoped I could talk some sense into him.” She sighed again and said, “But now that I’ve met you I’d be a monster, too, if I told you to stay away from him. You’re exactl
y what I would want for my cousin. God, I should show you the texts I’ve gotten from Dmitri this week. He’s never been this happy. And it fucking kills me, Jamie, knowing you two are completely headed for disaster.”

  I pressed my eyes shut for a long moment. And then I opened them and said, “Your father’s not infallible. There has to be some way of building a case against him, evidence somewhere that could send him to prison and get him out of the picture.”

  She grinned at me. “Dmitri would fall for a cop. Just to make this all the more complicated.”

  “Yeah, my family’s loving the whole mafia thing, too,” I told her.

  “They’re right to be worried. If my father finds out you and Dmitri are getting this close, he’ll probably decide to be proactive and take you out, even without knowing you’re derailing his wedding plans. You need to watch yourself, Jamie.”

  “Thanks for the concern, but I’ll be fine. Police officers are trained to be alert, to always watch for potential danger.”

  “Jamie, you’re not going to see a mafia hit man coming. That’s how they operate, surprise attack and all that.”

  “Shit,” I muttered, and closed my eyes again.

  “Ok, see? Now you’re finally getting it. You’re in danger. Dmitri’s family is in danger. This is the level of fucked-upedness we’re dealing with here.”

  “I mean, for me, I’ll gladly take the risk. I’d do anything to be with Dmitri. But that his family’s in danger, God.” I looked at Catherine. “Your Dad, he can’t really be that big of a monster, can he? He wouldn’t really harm innocent women and children just to keep Dmitri in line and this fake marriage on track. Would he?”

  “Of course he would. My father is ruthless and ambitious. He doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself.” She pushed a stray tendril of hair behind her ear. “Charming, huh? It’s really special, being the daughter of Satan.” She reached for the vodka and poured herself a shot, then tossed it back and exclaimed, “Gah! That’s super gross straight.”

  “Look, we’re going to figure this out. You, me and Dmitri.”

  “We’re sure as hell gonna try.” She got out of bed then and picked up the big tray. “Do you want any more of this?”

  “No thanks.”

  “Sorry to make you lose your appetite. I’ve lost mine too, which is a shame, because those sundaes were epic. Well, look, I need to send a few texts. I took off in a hurry, and I need to see if some of my friends can keep me updated on my classes. I’ll be back in a few.” And she left the room.

  I fell onto my back and stared at the ceiling for a good long time. And then I did what I always do in times of crisis: I texted Jess. I went into the bathroom and hopped up onto the black marble vanity, and picked up my phone. It was still charging, so I left it tethered to the wall as I typed: Guess who I just met.

  Her reply came just a few seconds later. With Fernando out of town and calling her constantly, her phone was never more than an inch away from her. Katy Perry. No wait: Former Governor Jerry Brown. Or no: that homeless guy downtown that’s always screaming about the dangers of canned ham. That’s it, I’m out of guesses.

  I grinned and replied: Well, those were some excellent guesses. But surprisingly, they’re wrong.

  She texted: Ok, so who was it, Mr. Suspense?

  I just met Dmitri’s fiancé. Who, by the way, is also his cousin. I hit send. I would have loved to see the look on her face when she read that.

  Predictably, the phone rang in my hand, and before I could even say hello, Jess yelled, “You are fucking shitting me! What the fuck? I mean, Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, who does that? Are they Russian by way of the Ozarks? That’s completely disgusting. Are they first cousins? Not that it matters, it’s gross no matter how far removed they are. I think I threw up in my mouth when I read that. And Dmitri seemed so normal! I mean, ok, he’s in the mafia, and that’s hardly normal. But you know what I mean. He really didn’t seem like an inbred cousin marrier! Wait, is it a mafia thing? Keeping it in the family, and all that? Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth again.”

  “Are you finished?”

  “I need a drink. And a barf bowl.”

  “Jess, calm down so I can tell you what happened tonight.”

  “Calm down? You drop that kind of bombshell on me and expect me to calm down?”

  “I really shouldn’t have led off with the cousin thing,” I said, echoing Catherine’s words from earlier tonight.

  Jess went on for another couple minutes about inbreeding and genetic defects and social mores, and the overall gross-out factor of the whole thing. And finally when she wound down, I gave her a concise summary of all things Catherine, including the arranged marriage, the threats to Dmitri’s family, and the potential danger to me. No point in sugar coating it. I wanted Jess to know the truth.

  When I finished talking, there was silence on the other end of the line. I looked at the phone to see if it was still on, and then said, “Jess?”

  “I’m here. Shit, Jamie. This all just took your fucked up situation to a whole new level.”

  “I know.”

  “What’re we going to do?” she asked. I liked that she said we.

  “No clue.”

  “Want me to come over?”

  “Tomorrow, ok? I need some time to process all of this, and then we can try to figure out what to do.”

  Jess asked, “Is Dmitri with you?”

  “No, he’s still at the club. I’m at his house. I don’t even think he knows Catherine’s here.”

  “You haven’t texted him?”

  “No,” I said, “I’m trying to let him get through this shit he has to do tonight. I’ll talk to him when he gets home.”

  “Ok,” Jess said, “So tomorrow, I’ll meet you at Dmitri’s place. Tell me the address.”

  I told her, and she said, “I’ll be there midmorning. There’s a solution to this. We just have to find it.”

  “Thanks, Jess. I love you so much.”

  “Love you too, Jamie. If you need anything, text me.”

  When I came out of the bathroom, Catherine was propped up on the mattress, scarfing the bag of potato chips. “How do you eat like that and still look like a supermodel?” I asked her as I sat on the foot of the bed.

  “You think I look like a supermodel? God I love you,” she grinned. And then she added, “I have a freakishly high metabolism. Dmitri says I have the energy of ten thousand hamsters, whatever that means. Not that I always eat like this. This is stress-eating, because I’m so worried about you and my cousin.”

  “Ah.”

  She looked at me closely and said, “I’m wearing you out, aren’t I? I know I can be exhausting. Come here.” She patted the bed beside her. “Let’s put on a movie and chill until Dmitri gets home.”

  “Ok.” I sat beside her and sunk into the pillows as I said, “Movies are always Dmitri’s go-to. He loves them. He made me watch a Star Wars marathon the night we met.”

  “I know,” Catherine grinned. “He told me that. I was impressed that you not only didn’t run screaming when it became clear he could recite the entire movie from memory, but that you actually joined in and recited it with him.” She shot me a bright smile. “You’re as big a geek as he is. You’re perfect for each other.”

  “Yeah, perfect, except for our families wanting to kill us for being together – both figuratively, and apparently, literally.”

  “It’s horribly romantic, actually. You two are like Romeo and Juliet. Only, you know: with two dudes.”

  “That’s super comforting, Catherine. Since Romeo and Juliet both died.”

  “Shit. Bad example.”

  She was flipping through a series of online menus with the TV remote as she was talking, and I said, “Just don’t pick a chick flick, ok? I can’t take anything flowery and romantic right now.”

  “As if.” the lights dimmed and she set the remote on the nightstand. The opening credits to The Shining appeared on the screen as she took a swig o
f Diet Coke and reached for the chips.

  “Oh no. Not this,” I told her. “Anything but this.”

  “What’s wrong with The Shining? It’s a classic!”

  “This movie scares the crap out of me. I’ve never been able to watch the whole thing. Come on, pick something else.”

  She fell over onto the bed, laughing hysterically. She was dabbing her eyes and saying, “Shit, there goes my mascara,” as she sat up again, then said, “C’mon, Jamie. You’re a big, tough cop. You can handle a little horror movie.”

  “Yeah, no. I’m telling you, this movie freaks the hell out of me. Turn on something else. Please.”

  She was still giggling as she picked up the remote and accessed the menu feature again. She pushed a couple buttons and said, “Here, is this better?” She’d selected Silence of the Lambs.