Echoes of the Past

by TJ Hamilton

  The weight of him brought so much comfort, she could almost cry from the pain of missing him. He pulled back and looked into her eyes.

  ‘I’ve wanted you to call me because you needed me since the day you left. I’ve missed everything about you,’ he said.

  A tear threatened to spill from the corner of her eye. She didn’t want to trek back over their history, but she couldn’t move forward without talking to him about everything they lost.

  Reality kicked her right in the gut. ‘We can’t do this. I don’t know if I can ever do this. I feel like I can’t let anything in again. Not after Kaylee.’ Leila finally said the one word she had vowed never to speak again.

  She sat up, drawing her knees to her chest. Hayden stared at the ground, sitting next to her on the bed.

  ‘I can’t believe it’s been four years,’ he replied.

  ‘I haven’t been able to say her name for four years.’

  She was unprepared for the wave of relief that washed over her body from the simple act of speaking the name of their daughter, the unborn baby they had lost.

  She looked into his dark eyes. ‘I’m ready to talk.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  Fully clothed, Hayden pulled the sheet over them and they sunk into Leila’s bed together, his eyes fixed on her. Finally, comfortable with the pillow arrangement, they faced each other and Leila began.

  ‘I hated my body for the pain it caused you.’ Her words sounded like they came from the deepest part of her sadness, but they brought confusion.

  ‘What do you mean the pain it caused me? It’s no one’s fault, Leila. Even the doctor kept reminding us of that. Plus, you were feeling every bit of pain that I was.’ He paused on that for a moment. ‘Well obviously you were feeling a lot more than me, but I don’t understand why you didn’t just talk to me about it?’

  She shrugged. ‘I couldn’t.’

  ‘So you ran?’

  ‘The alternative was to jump off the Springs bluff. So I thought leaving town would cause the least amount of pain for our families. I’d already done enough by losing Kaylee.’

  Hayden reached out then, cupping her face, drawing back a piece of her hair. A tear slipped down her cheek and she pinched her eyes shut.

  ‘The counsellor warned me you might’ve been experiencing some dark thoughts. But I didn’t believe her until you said you were leaving. You were always good at masking your pain. I was floored when you said you wanted to move on … without me. The thought of not being with you just wasn’t in my realm.’ He sighed. ‘I had my brother’s crew watch you for a while in the city, to make sure you didn’t do anything to yourself.’

  ‘Did you really? I should be angry, but I don’t blame you. I just wish you came for me.’

  ‘You told me you hated the sight of me. Said you couldn’t be reminded of our daughter every day.’

  Nodding again, Leila started to cry in earnest. ‘What else could I do? My insides were rotten. I didn’t understand how my own body could punish me so cruelly.’

  ‘The counsellor said it was really common for you to react the way you did. She said it was best to let you come back to me when you were ready. I just didn’t think that would be four years later.’

  ‘The same counsellor encouraged me to find a passion and dive into it, to heal.’

  He almost felt it possible to chuckle. Leila had done exactly what the psychologist suggested, left and become the opposite of everything she’d ever known.

  ‘I had to leave. I didn’t think I could survive another day being in this town, remaining in the lifestyle we were born into, being near the nursery we set up together. One minute we were going to be parents, the next it was gone. All that was left was a whopping big void of emptiness. So I thought if I was ever given the opportunity to be a parent again, I wasn’t bringing another child into the environment we were raised in … so I left. To find who I could truly be.’

  Hayden slid his eyes from hers, guilt pulling him into a vicious undertow.

  ‘I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone like you. I would’ve been the proudest father in the world to have a daughter with a mother like you. You’re more resilient than I gave you credit for. I just thought you were being selfish.’

  ‘I was. I left you with a big mess to clean up, and you did it all without me.’

  Leila’s tears continued to flow like a stream down her cheeks. The water pooled on his chest where she curled into him. He held her while she let all the pain fall from her. He continued to hold her without moving for the next twenty minutes, lying while she sobbed. He didn’t ask any more questions. He didn’t force her to talk about it further, he just kept her safe in his arms. She was vulnerable and open, and even though she was in pain, he couldn’t help treasuring these small moments with her.

  ‘I think we might’ve been too young to become parents anyway. I would never have become a cop and you wouldn’t have been able to explore your passion for food.’

  Again, Hayden pushed against the current of guilt that was ready to sweep him away. Did Leila have the right solution all along?

  ‘So why did you come back if you wanted to escape everything so badly?’ It was a risk to ask again.

  ‘I still don’t know. Maybe it was you. Maybe it was the home I missed. It’s hard to be exact, but something drew me back. I knew I’d be a good cop here. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it just felt right.’

  ‘I think about her so much whenever I come back here. I saw a couple of little girls crossing the road to Echo Springs Primary the other day. She would’ve been getting ready to start school soon. I think about whether she would’ve had dark wavy hair, just like her mum’s. I wonder about how many teeth she would’ve lost by now. I imagine she would watch the football with me, cheering on the mighty Dragons in our matching jerseys. I can’t help but imagine what life would have been like with Kaylee in it.’

  She looked up at him with tear-soaked eyes.

  ‘I feel like I’ll never get over how cruel it all felt. Having to register her. Having her on public record. I tried talking about her once, two days after her death, but the nurse looked at me as if I were some overreacting teen with a first-world problem. I didn’t feel like we were given the same set of grief rules as anyone who loses a real baby.’

  He drew a deep breath, his chest lifting her cheek.

  ‘She was a real baby. Her heart beat the same as anyone else and our blood pumped through her veins. I never thought about how you must’ve felt betrayed by your own body, and then everyone’s opinion of you. My experience was nothing like that. I should have come with you.’

  ‘There was no way you were coming with me at that point.’ She held her head up to meet his eyes finally. ‘I wanted you to come for me. Don’t get that confused with coming with me.’

  Hayden’s cheeks expanded with a wide smile. He never thought he’d understand the reasons why she left. He never thought any reason she gave would be good enough. But just hearing her words helped him understand the pain she’d been holding onto for all these years.

  ‘My dad’s been looking after her, I reckon. I’m glad we put her with him out at the cemetery.’

  Leila’s tears started again. ‘There’s nowhere I’d rather her be,’ she replied and buried her head back into his chest.

  ‘I catch mum talking to her angel statue in the garden sometimes. You know the one she said was Kaylee the day she bought it. She says Kaylee was always destined to be an angel.’

  ‘Great, so your mum always thought I was going to miscarry?’ she said bitterly.

  He looked down at her, knowing she was speaking from pain. Losing their baby changed their life forever, and until now, Hayden never thought they would recover from it. Maybe they still wouldn’t; but talking about it had shifted something between them. His decision to stand up to his brother suddenly felt imperative.

  Hayden watched the full moon beyond the window, as Leila’s tears dried and her body relaxed into sleep. She was all
he’d craved for years. His arm was beginning to tingle from a lack of circulation, but he didn’t want to let her go again. Not now, not ever.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Hayden’s eyes slowly adjusted to the light streaming through the curtains. It took him a couple of seconds to work out where he was.

  The air was thick with the smell of frying bacon and he smiled. This was everything he’d hoped for and something he’d thought he’d never have again. Walking into the kitchen, he found Leila trying to cook with one hand. His chuckle caught her attention. She smiled with an animated look of defeat.

  ‘I feel so useless,’ she laughed.

  ‘Here, let me help.’ He took over and she allowed it without hesitation.

  ‘I’ll make the coffees. I can do that much.’ She gave a soft smile.

  Moving around the kitchen with her felt effortless. Their bodies were in harmony with each another, like they always had been.

  ‘Did you sleep okay? Sorry if I kept you awake with the tossing,’ she asked.

  Frowning, Hayden looked over at her and shrugged. ‘Didn’t feel a thing. Slept like a baby.’

  Their eyes met on that word; it still had a sting to it. Hayden tilted his head slightly, and smiled his apology. She nodded in reply to everything he couldn’t say out loud.

  Leila set the round white table in her kitchen as he finished plating up their breakfast feast. It was all so natural, but he wouldn’t break the spell by daring to say it out loud.

  Hayden was beaming when they sat down together.

  ‘I forgot how much you grin all the time,’ she teased.

  ‘When life makes you smile, you go with it.’ Hayden said and cut off a big bit of bacon before shoving it in his mouth.

  He could see her grimace from the corner of his eye, and decided to take smaller bites.

  ‘So there is a snag in this whole situation that I need to talk to you about,’ Leila said as she put a piece of toast in her mouth, munching on it for a moment.

  He knew where she was going with this. Even Jayden had called it: her job changed everything. He cursed his brother under his breath for both causing his snag and being right about it.

  When she finished her mouthful, she continued, ‘I love being back around you again, believe me. But—’ She paused. ‘I just can’t. For Brayden’s sake. It took a lot for me to convince the bosses and board of authorities I was going to remain impartial with Brayden. Being with you compromises that.’

  Nodding, Hayden took another bite of his bacon and looked out of the kitchen window, fury eating away at him. He could feel her watching him.

  She huffed. Loudly. ‘So, you have nothing to say about it?’

  He shrugged. ‘What is there to say? I agree. I knew this would be the case, and Brayden needs someone like you in his corner. That’s as important to me as you are.’

  ‘Right. Okay.’

  She straightened in her chair, as if a weight had been lifted, and took a sip of her coffee.

  ‘But it’s not forever … I mean, eventually the bosses at the station will see that you’re a decent person, and as soon as I’ve got my stripe I’ll have a bit more respect and… Well. Then—’

  Hayden put down his fork to place his hand gently on top of hers. ‘Lah Lah. It’s fine. Until three days ago I never thought I’d even be present in the same room with you again. I need time to process this too. Let’s just focus on Brayden and we’ll see where we end up.’

  Leila giggled, which struck him as odd, until he realised she’d been nervous about talking to him. Two years of working for his brother had made a world’s difference to his own ability to handle stresses.

  ‘Okay.’ She smiled, filling her mouth with a fork full of egg and toast, and took the conversation back to the town and safer ground.

  ‘So it sounds like you’re planning on staying a bit longer then?’ Leila asked after their discussion of Hayden’s plan to help with his mum’s garden.

  He smiled, ‘Yeah. You could say that. I don’t have much dragging me back to the city. Not like I have anchoring me here anyway.’

  ‘What about the community centre and your cooking classes?’

  He shrugged. ‘I thought I might use what I’ve learned in the city and get the courses for the kids started out here. The kids around here could really do with it. I know we did.’

  She agreed. ‘The kids out here definitely need it. They have fewer opportunities to engage in courses like that compared to the city kids. These boards full of authorities and brass with their privileged ideas seriously have no idea what it’s like to grow up out here. They finally come on board when kids end up their customers. I mean, we were lucky to end up how we did. You think about our friends. How many of them have stayed out of prison, or weren’t charged with something in their life? It’s fuck all. We were lucky.’

  Hayden drank the last of his coffee. She was right. He thought of everyone from their high school class who had either ended up incarcerated or on the end of a bottle. Hayden hadn’t given it much thought until now; it was just life—until his younger brother started going down the same path. When he left town he saw how life could be for those outside Echo Springs. Leila’s passion for making change for the next generation sank into his skin, deeper. He could do the same. It was only by pure luck that he wasn’t already in prison, and his work on his brother’s behalf was a ticking bomb before he too became another statistic of the Springs.

  ‘Well, you’ve just given me more reason to stay and start something positive for the kids. Who’s running the PCYC at the moment?’

  Leila laughed. ‘The PCYC is a bit of a joke at the moment. Garrison is down there. Do you remember him?’

  ‘Yeah, I do. Isn’t he the copper who was caught drink driving and crashed his car when he ran from the booze bus?’

  Leila nodded. ‘Exactly. Now do you see the problem?’

  ‘How do cops like that stay in the job?’

  ‘They get shoved away to a place like the PCYC to be forgotten about while the kids in this town continue the vicious cycle and the bosses in the city question the failure.’

  Hayden laughed. ‘What a delightful and honest system to be part of.’

  ‘Hey.’ Her eyes snapped to him. ‘I understand its faults. But it’s still a system that serves good in the community, okay. Most cops I know are outstanding people who do amazing things on a daily basis.’

  He wanted to burn in all that fire. She had always been destined for this role, he was only beginning to see. Ever since they were small kids, she was the peacekeeper between his brothers and their families. If there was anything unjust happening in the school yard, she was the first one to stand up and make sure the issue was sorted out properly. Whenever fights broke out at lunch, everyone would stand and inflame the situation by cheering on the fight, but not Leila. She would be the first person to dive in and break it up, putting herself between the fighters, no matter how much bigger the kids were. But she differed from other police; she understood the unspoken code of silence their part of town was built on. It was the only thing Jayden had ever liked about her. Many times it was Jayden involved in a fight, and Leila broke it up, in spite of the threats of what Jayden would do if she got in the way. But when the teachers finally arrived, she wouldn’t tell them who the culprits where, giving the bloodied and bruised opponents the opportunity to flee the scene. He would never admit it, but Jayden even respected her for it. It was this shared childhood that set her apart from other cops, the ‘blow-ins’ from out of town. They didn’t understand the marrow in the bones of Echo Springs.

  Hayden helped with the clean-up after breakfast and watched Leila as she stacked the last of the plates away. He’d tried to resist her, but he couldn’t stand it any longer. He strode across the room grabbed her by the waist, spinning her around to pull her into him, kissing her as if his life depended on the air she breathed. She fell straight into his kiss. She didn’t fight it. In these last few hours, he’d found himself f
alling back in love with her again, almost as if he never stopped. Had he?

  His hand dwarfed her face as he cupped the side it, fingers running into the back of her hair. Twisting her waves, he let them fall again between his fingers. Everything about her body was soft, and he wanted to rip her pyjama shorts and singlet straight off. But the anticipation was heady, and he wanted to savour every step. He was the first to pull back this time. Running his thumb along her bottom lip, he grinned at the plump softness. He knew how much he loved her, and that made him cautious. He couldn’t lose her again. He might as well cut out his own heart and continue living without it, because that’s all life would resemble.

  ‘I think it’s best if I use the back door and slip over the fence to the Michelsons’ behind you,’ he said with a smile.

  ‘Just be careful. The last thing I need is for you to be implicated in a suspected home invasion.’

  He laughed. ‘Would you like me to go and knock on the door of Mr and Mrs Michelson and ask if it’s okay with them if I climb their fence to come and see you?’

  She considered the idea with a dramatic tilt of her head. ‘I’m trying to decide which is the lesser of two evils. If I see Mrs Michelson tending to the roses behind my washing line, I’ll be sure to mention something to her. As long as she doesn’t tell her sister, Marcy though. The moment Marcy finds out the whole town will know before sundown. I need to think about the best plan of attack with this. Welcome back to the country.’

  She smiled, and he couldn’t help smiling back. There was intimacy here, knowing each other, knowing the town. It was comforting.

  ‘I’ll call you later then?’ he said, as he gave her one more kiss on the lips.