by Liz Botts
Graham’s eyes softened around the edges, and for the briefest moment I believed he might take me in his arms to comfort me, but he only reached for the paper. I watched as he skimmed the letter, the ache in my chest growing more painful by the second. My mind raced, vacillating between hope and grief. I wanted to know what my father had to say, but I also knew the information could be devastating. At least while not knowing, I could still keep my spirits up and believe in the best possible outcome. Once the words were read, whatever message they conveyed would become real.
When Graham cleared his throat, I jumped. “My dearest daughter,” he began to read. “I pray this letter finds you well. I have not yet received word from your grandparents, but I am confident in your safe arrival. Lord Blessington has always proved trustworthy, so I could think of no better person to accompany you on your journey.” Graham paused, and I could swear I saw a faint tinge of pink on his cheeks.
“You were certainly the correct person to accompany me,” I said in a voice barely recognizable as my own.
A smile quirked the corner of Graham’s mouth, but he looked back down at the paper with a serious expression. My stomach twisted at the reality that in a few moments I would know the fate of my brother, as well as my father’s plans. I didn’t know whether or not I could handle the suspense.
Graham continued, “I want to assure you I am quite well, although I do miss your mother with every breath I take. My physical wounds have healed, and I feel stronger than ever. I have resumed many of my duties at the fort, if only for a short time.”
“Flissity? Why do you look so sad?” Kate interrupted Graham as she took my hand. Her question startled me. I had forgotten the little girl was there.
Before I could answer, Graham put the letter down on a small table so that he could pick his daughter up. He drew her into a hug, then set her on a chair while he knelt before her.
“You mustn’t interrupt, my darling. Now, Lady Felicity has received a letter from her father. He’s far away right now, where I was until recently. She’s sad because she misses him.”
Kate threw her arms around her father in a fierce hug. “Just like I missed you, Papa. I wish you never had to leave again. And I wish Fliss could have her father here.” She paused as she turned her attention to me. “Aren’t you happy here?”
My heart clenched and tears pricked my eyes. “Of course I’m happy here, darling. I wish my father could be here too, that’s all. I-I’m also worried about my brother. He is my very best friend, so I am waiting for news about him, as well.”
With a thoughtful expression on her face, Kate gave me a hug. “I wish I had a brother to be my friend.” She paused. “Perhaps if you marry Papa, you will have one.”
“Katherine!”
Both Kate and I started at the harshness of Graham’s tone. He took the little girl firmly by the hand and led her toward the door of the parlor. “That is inappropriate. You will go to your room immediately, and I’ll be up later to discuss your punishment.”
Kate goggled at her father, as did I. Guilt and bewilderment washed over me. I knew that something about my presence had made Graham take such a terse stance with his daughter. Perhaps he wanted her to show better manners around someone who was a virtual stranger. Certainly her question had been embarrassing, but it had also filled me with a rush of pleasure. The idea of having a child with Graham made me positively giddy.
I opened my mouth to speak words of peace, perhaps, but Graham cut me off. “Go, Katherine.”
The little girl left the parlor with her head down and her lip quivering, but she managed to remain stoic until she was out of the room. Graham and I remained silent for a long time. The room felt thick with unsaid things. The words to express my feelings for Graham seemed so clear in my mind, but they became tangled when I tried to say anything.
Finally Graham cleared his throat. “I’m sorry you had to be party to that,” he said. “Shall we continue with your father’s letter or would you prefer to finish it alone?”
“No, please, continue. I find the company soothing to my poor nerves.”
“Well, then.” Graham picked up the letter. “The war has escalated. We see much activity at the fort. The American raiding parties have increased, and I fear no settlers are safe any longer. Rumor is that we shall launch a full-scale counterattack soon.”
He stopped reading and stared at the paper for so long, I just knew the next thing he read would devastate me. I tried to steel myself against the news, but my insides shook and my heart beat triple time. But then Graham swallowed audibly and shook his head.
“I just can’t believe how out of control things have gotten since we departed. I have heard other reports similar to this one. Who knows how much worse things will get before the conflict is over?”
The despair in his voice nearly made me come undone. “Do you… do you wish you were there? Helping, I mean.”
Graham ran a hand through his hair. He expelled a long breath. “That is a very loaded question, is it not? It is my duty to fight for the Crown, but I have not been ordered back, so here I stay. Going to war, though, means I must leave Kate… and all the other people I care about so deeply. I fear there is never an easy answer.”
“I suppose not. Father never had to leave us because we lived there with him. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to see him sail off to some unknown danger. Though I guess now I do know what that would be like since I had to sail away from him.” I wrapped my arms around myself as a shiver raced along my spine.
When Graham took several steps toward me, I knew something was going to happen. In a hairbreadth of a second, the air around us changed, became charged with electricity and desire. I looked up at him when he was within reach. His green eyes had darkened and flashed as if waves on the sea were rolling through him.
“I wonder if perhaps in sailing away from the life you knew, you might have found a life you want more?” His voice was husky as he asked the question, which sounded more like a statement. I wondered if my own feelings were really that transparent or if he was making a declaration of his own feelings. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as the words swelled up inside me.
The light pressure of Graham’s hands on my shoulders seemed to be the only thing holding me up. As his face inched closer to mine, I gasped, and when his lips met mine, I sighed. The kiss lasted only a moment, just until the letter crinkled in his hand, drawing us both back to the present moment. Graham stepped back, looking slightly stunned, his eyebrows knit together and his jaw hanging slack. I pressed my hands against the bodice of my dress. My mind reeled, full of Graham-related thoughts. It didn’t help that I could still feel the pressure of him on my mouth.
“Felicity, I—“ Graham splayed his fingers open as he looked at me.
I held up a hand, soul-crushing disappointment filling me. “Please don’t,” I said. “It’s—“
How could I tell him I didn’t want to hear him apologize for something I yearned for so desperately? More importantly, how could I tell him I had been wanting him to kiss me ever since our last one? I could tell from the look on Graham’s face that he had more to say, so I turned away to discourage him.
When I found my voice, I said, “Would you please continue with the letter?”
Silence met my request until Graham sighed. I could hear the rustling of pages while he found his place. When he spoke, his voice melted into my ears. “My search for your brother confirmed our worst fears. He had indeed been taken captive. The Americans wanted to use him to barter for the release of prisoners we held at the fort. I fear that our family was targeted because of my position, and for that I apologize, my daughter. I hope you can forgive me. Our family — your mother and you children — were, and are, the most important things in my life.
“I realize I have never spoken so frankly with you before, but the time for truth is upon us. Should, for some reason, I not make it back to you, I feel you should know all of this.”
&n
bsp; My heart clenched in my chest as I heard the anguish behind the written words. I had not allowed myself to imagine a world without my father. Or my brother.
“Now I will share the only joyful news I can. We have rescued your brother!”
Graham paused, and I gasped, pressing my hands to my chest. James had survived. The tears I had been holding back spilled over. I sank onto the nearest chair and sobbed. Relief wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how I felt. I cried myself dry while Graham hovered silently nearby. Even though he didn’t reach out to comfort me, I could feel his presence. When he pressed a handkerchief into my hand, I could feel his compassion. This just confused me further, but I didn’t let myself stop to think about it. The news about James was all I could handle at the moment.
When my sobs had turned to hiccups, I turned my tear-soaked face toward Graham. “I think I can finish the letter by myself now.”
Graham nodded, handed me the folded paper, and walked toward the door. I stared down at the slightly crumpled paper in my hand, then looked up at his retreating figure. From across an ocean, the news that my father and brother lived gave me strength and courage.
“Graham?”
He paused, turning slightly toward me with a quizzical expression on his face. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, perhaps the most important being that I loved him and his daughter. I wanted to be part of their lives, as much as I wanted them to be a part of mine. But I knew it wasn’t proper for me to say anything. Though I wasn’t all that concerned with decorum, Grandmother was, and she would never approve of my behavior. So what could I do to express the multitude of things I needed to tell him?
“I-I just want to thank you for reading the letter with me, and for your continued hospitality, of course.” The words felt garbled and hollow, but I hoped Graham could grasp the true meaning behind them.
Graham nodded, but his expression remained serious. “You will always be welcome here.”
Then he turned and left the room, leaving me to wonder what he meant or if there could be more to his words than he expressed. Yet again I longed for my mother to talk to. The feelings I had been experiencing through this whole journey were ones that confounded me and that I had never felt before. I had no compass with which to follow the correct direction. Where were they to end?
I sniffled once again and looked down at the letter in my hand. Unfolding the paper, I stared at my father’s familiar handwriting. The last few lines were scrawled at an angle, as if he had been in a hurry to finish it. They read: “When we see you next, I hope you will have found yourself someone with whom you can start a life and a family. Your mother would have wanted you to find love. Until we meet again, your loving father.”
Chapter Sixteen
In the days immediately after I received my father’s letter, Graham avoided me. Or at least it seemed he was avoiding me. When our paths did cross at meals or interacting with Kate, Graham was unfailingly polite but very distant. Nothing remained in his eyes of the embers that had smoldered when he read me the letter. My heart ached, but I did my best to remain just as aloof, with a smile on my face and platitudes on my lips.
One particularly dreary day, Kate and I sat before the fire with a stitch sampler laid before us. I had been trying to teach the little girl some basic embroidery to help pass the time, but at that moment neither of us had the attention span to complete the work.
“Would you like to go for a walk?” Kate looked up at me hopefully before glancing toward the window. As she saw the rain coming down harder than before, she sighed. “I don’t suppose Papa would let us out anyway. He wouldn’t want us to get sick. I hate winter.”
I chuckled. “Winter was never my favorite, either, but then my mama told me something that helped me change my mind about it.”
“What was that?” Kate inched closer until she could lay her head on my knee.
“She told me that winter was the earth’s time to sleep. Everything needs sleep because it rejuvenates the soul.” I could feel the bittersweet pull of memory tugging at my heart. Thinking about my mother didn’t cause me quite so much pain any more, partly because I allowed myself to be filled with the light of her love. I knew without a doubt that it was what she would have wanted me to do.
Kate tilted her head as she considered my words. Then a smile slid over her face, lighting up her eyes, and she looked out the window again. “I like that. Winter is just a time for things to sleep. Maybe I could sleep all winter.”
I giggled. “Then you would miss all the fun.”
“Oh, what fun do you have planned for me?”
Before I had the chance to respond, a knock at the door interrupted us. We both turned to see who it was, when Mrs. Franklin came bustling in. She gave us both a smile, which felt both warm and efficient all at the same time.
“I am sorry to interrupt,” she said. “We received word from your grandparents in London, Lady Felicity. It seems they wish you to return posthaste.”
“Excuse me?” My voice came out a shrill tendril of disbelief. I nearly fell off the chair even as I tried to compose myself. A pair of little eyes peered up at me, full of concern. There was no need to scare Kate with my sudden burst of anxiety. What reason could my grandparents have for wanting me to come back to London? Surely my convalescence was still a top priority.
Mrs. Franklin looked baffled by my reaction and perhaps a little flustered. She splayed her hands before her in a gesture of supplication. “Lord Blessington asked me to deliver the news to you. That is all I know, my lady. If you have questions, I’m sure he might answer them for you.”
I nodded to her, but all my focus slipped away. My mind whirred with thoughts of what to do next. Then a voice in my head told me that a proper lady would go demurely to her room to pack her belongings. A proper lady would board a carriage back to London and await news from her grandparents when she arrived. A proper lady would never do what I intended to do.
Licking my suddenly parched lips, I glanced at Kate. “Darling, stay here with Mrs. Franklin. I’ll be back in a moment.”
Without waiting for a response, I left the parlor. Graham had a desk in his library, toward the back of the house. I had never seen the inside, but the door had been pointed out to me when I had been given a tour. The dark wood of the walls cast a gloom to the hallway as little light leaked through the windows from the gray day. I shivered as desperation shrouded me, and I paused to give myself time to rethink my plan. Nothing else came to me, though, so I continued on.
My hand trembled as I raised it to knock. I felt the reverberation from the sound as it echoed through the hallway, though I suspected it was in my imagination.
“Enter.” The gruffness in Graham’s voice surprised me. Was he always that way when he was in his office?
Drawing a deep breath to bolster my courage, I gripped the handle to the door. The inside of Graham’s study was dark, lit only from the faint daylight at the window and the flickering flames of the fireplace. For a moment I thought I saw a spark of something when he looked up at me, though whether it was happiness or irritation I couldn’t say, but he quickly rearranged his features into an impassive palette.
“Lady Felicity.” He paused, and the look crossed his face again. His brows knit together as the corners of his mouth twitched. I settled on happiness as the emotion, because it felt far better than any of the other choices and it gave me hope. “I hear you are to go back to London to be with your grandparents. They have found a suitable match for you.”
I blinked at his words. Somehow I must have misheard him. A loud buzzing filled my ears. A suitable match? That sounded distinctly like a betrothal, but that couldn’t be. In the space of one heartbeat I had gone from hopeful for a future with Graham and Kate to being relegated to a marriage to a near stranger. I felt that I had very little to say about the matter. The season had ended before I’d had a chance to meet anyone myself. Of course my grandparents would try to play matchmaker for me.
“D-do I have a say in this?” The words left my mouth before I had a chance to think about them. Shamefaced, I looked down at my hands clasped tightly together in front of me. Clearly the shock had left my tongue loose. Without my parents here, my grandparents were in charge of my welfare. Getting me married would be the best possible outcome.
“Lady Felicity, I am sure your grandparents have nothing but your best interests in mind. The match they have chosen for you will no doubt be for the betterment of your station in life. Besides, if you decide you dislike the man, they can’t force you into anything. No harm, no foul.” Graham’s voice sounded stiff, rehearsed, but something in his tone angered me.
My head snapped up as bitterness flared through me. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say to me?”
Graham’s jaw tightened as he stared back at me. I had seen this look on his face many times in the past few months of knowing him. A few times his apparent resolve had slipped, and it had ended nicely for me with a kiss or at least some warmth. This time, though, I already knew that Graham was anything but pleased with me.
After a silence that seemed to stretch for an eternity, during which time even the cracking and snapping of the fire seemed loud, Graham sighed and looked down at a stack of papers on his desk. “I am going back to sea in a fortnight. A new nurse has been sent for from London. So I suppose this is farewell.”
A coldness settled over me, chilling me to my very bones. Tears pricked the back of my eyes, but I determined not to allow Graham to see me cry. He had witnessed some spectacular bouts of emotion from me which I knew I should be embarrassed about, but no more. With a trembling voice, I said, “My lord, I apologize that I interrupted you. May your voyage back to the colonies be uneventful. Safe travel, my lord.” I paused, summoning up all the courage I had left. “You know, sir, you are going to have to stop running away from your… problems eventually.”
