The Lady's Blessing

by Liz Botts

  I climbed out of bed and hurried to dress in the simplest thing in the wardrobe. As I reached around the back of my neck to fasten the dress in place, I realized this was the dress I had worn much of the sea journey with Graham. That time seemed so long ago that I had to shake my head to clear the fuzzy memory. I locked down my emotions and instead focused on the surprise that Grandmother had not gotten rid of the garment. Everything she had made for me was so lush and extravagant.

  Cautiously I crept into the hallway. When I reached the top of the stairs, I realized the fuss seemed to be celebratory, not frightful. Then I heard something that made my heart stop, and I froze in my tracks.

  “Father!” The word tore from my throat, followed by a sob of relief and joy. I flew down the stairs so fast, I knew my feet did not even touch the floor.

  The small clutch of people gathered in the entryway all looked up at me in unison. I didn’t register anyone but Father, standing near the door. His face, profoundly changed and haggard, lit up when he saw me. A smile stretched ear to ear, and his eyes shone. Every muscle in my body trembled with relief as I collapsed into his arms, the sound of sobs reaching my ears, not registering that they were mine until I realized Father was crying too.

  “Felicity, my darling child. I feared I would never see you again. Your brother and I—“

  I pulled away from him and said, “Does that mean he’s with you?”

  “I’m right here, Fliss.”

  My brother’s voice seemed disembodied to me, coming from somewhere over my right shoulder. I turned slowly, feeling like I was slogging through waist-high water. Sure enough, there was James. I shrieked. From the corner of my eye, I saw Grandmother press her hand against her chest, but that wasn’t enough to stop me from shrieking again.

  “James!” I flung myself into my brother’s arms, not quite believing he was real until I felt the solidness of his frame.

  “It’s all right, little sister. I am here.” His voice had the same smooth, calming effect it always had, but I could hear a weariness behind his words that had not been there before everything had transpired. I hugged him tighter.

  We stood in our embrace for what seemed like an eternity. When James finally stepped away, Father stepped in to hug me again. The cycle continued as tears streamed down my face, releasing emotions I had tamped down for too many months. When I finished crying, I felt spent, but happier than I had felt in a long time, except perhaps the time I had spent with Graham and Kate. My reunion with my family created a bittersweet explosion of color into my world.

  Finally Grandfather cleared his throat. “Let us adjourn to the parlor now. I’ll ring for tea.” He reached for the bell pull and waited for the butler to arrive.

  Father kept his arm around me, as we moved into the sitting room, as he had never done before, but I found myself glad at the change. When we were all seated, Father leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. The pensive stance put me on edge, because normally that would mean something I didn’t like was going to come out of his mouth.

  “James and I will be adjourning to my father’s estate in the country at the end of the week,” Father began. He looked from Grandfather to Grandmother to me. “I would like Felicity to come with us, though I know she has social… obligations here. I hope you can allow her a reprieve from those commitments until we have had the chance to reconnect as a family.”

  My heart gave a flutter of excitement. In that moment, I knew I had found my escape from my betrothal. Father would certainly see that the match with the viscount was completely incompatible, and talk to Grandfather. Perhaps I could suggest seeing Graham. He and Father had known one another in our life before, so if I put them in the same place, maybe Father would come to the conclusion that Graham and I were a better match.

  “Of course Felicity will go with you. She is your daughter, after all, and we will have all week for all of us to visit, as well. Now, where is that tea?” Grandfather gave us all a smile, but the expression seemed weak. In the numerous hours I had spent thinking through the details of my betrothal, I had realized how advantageous my match with the viscount would be for my family. I knew that was why Grandfather looked so melancholy at the prospect of postponing the engagement.

  ****

  The next day, James and I bundled up to take a walk in the park. I clung to his arm as if I would never let go again, and a part of me thought that perhaps that was true. A gray mist filled the air, but I did not care at all because my brother was beside me. Everything felt like springtime and sunshine and flowers.

  “Tell me what happened.” The words left my mouth tentatively because I wasn’t sure he wanted to tell me. Neither he nor Father had offered any information on what had happened after I left. Despite my resolve to be patient and to wait for them to tell me, a piece of my past felt like it was missing. The hole left by Mama’s passing was bad enough, and not knowing what had happened to the rest of my family made the gap wider, more insidious.

  James sighed, and I glanced up at him. If I was honest with myself, I could see he was more haggard than he had been before. He looked years older than I remembered him. How had I not noticed that yesterday? I supposed I was more blinded by the sheer joy of having them back with me.

  “I can’t.” My brother closed his eyes briefly and then squeezed my arm tighter. “I wish I could. There are so many things a lady’s ears should never hear.”

  Tears flooded my eyes. Between small hiccups, I said, “I have experienced far more things than anyone should hear or know.” Frustration boiled inside as I fought to find the words to convey the darkness I had been mired in, and then the light that had broken when I was with Graham and Kate. Finally, exhausted, I gave up the search because I knew that no matter what I said, it must pale in comparison to what my brother had suffered.

  “Please don’t be sad, Fliss. It’s just as Father has been saying; we are all together again. That must be enough to get us along. We will start a new life here in England. I hear you are betrothed to a viscount. Grandfather seems to think the match is quite good.”

  I gasped out a stuttered breath at his words. No matter what I knew, that did not stop what my heart wanted. Silent tears dribbled down my face, mixing with the mist that had progressed to a light rain. James didn’t seem to notice the shift in my mood or the fact that I was crying. He seemed content to stroll along in the silence. Perhaps he needed the quiet for his soul after his ordeal. Who was I to judge?

  “Perhaps it is a good match,” I said finally, careful not to let my voice shake too much. “I have only met the viscount once. Grandfather will be interested in finding a suitable match for you soon.”

  James paused, and I could feel his eyes on me. “Fliss?”

  The concern in his voice, so much like the sound I remembered from my life before, made my resolve to be strong break. “Oh, James, everything is such a mess.” I turned to my brother, and buried my face in his coat.

  He patted my shoulder awkwardly while I sobbed. “What is it? What has happened to you?”

  A jagged laugh escaped my throat. “So much,” I whispered. “Though the thing which hurts the most is that I not only lost Mama, but I’ve lost someone else very important to me.”

  “Why don’t we finish our walk in the park, and you can tell me about it?” James held his arm out to me, and gestured toward the expanse of matted yellowed grass before us.

  I took a deep breath. “All right, but then you must tell me something.”

  James gave a curt nod. “I’ll tell you something, but only what I feel is appropriate for you to hear.”

  A small smile twisted upward on my lips. “That sounds fair.” And I launched into my tale.

  ****

  Father’s family estate had been managed by a distant cousin since the death of his parents some years before. Being the rightful heir, he still had claim to the land. The cousin currently resided in London, so we were going to use the manor house with full privacy, which was clearly wh
at Father wanted.

  I settled into my new room with a bit of relief. Having told my entire story to James, I felt lighter. He had not told me much of his troubles after he’d been captured, but he did tell me about Father’s heroic rescue of him.

  “He came charging into the camp on the back of a black steed,” James had said. “You would have been so proud of him, Fliss. When he jumped off the horse, he engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the vermin, and he won. By himself. Sure, there were a few other soldiers with him, but they remained in their saddles and fired off musket shots before climbing down. It was truly inspiring.”

  When I heard James’s account of his rescue, I did feel a swell of pride at Father’s courage, but I knew there had to be more than my brother had told me. As I watched Father walk, I could see the pain and stiffness he had with each step. It was hard for me to imagine him on horseback or fighting on the ground. Still, in my heart I knew that the core of the story was the truth because Father must have done everything in his power to get my brother back. He would move heaven and earth for James and I. Of that I was certain.

  I walked down to breakfast, mulling over the tragic events which had led us all to this place in time. So lost in my thoughts was I that I nearly slammed right into Father. He flinched, but tried his hardest not to show his discomfort. I admired him so much for his strength, yet I yearned to find the right words to tell him that he did not have to put on such a brave front just for my sake. If he only knew the things I had experienced on my ocean voyage.

  “My dear daughter,” he said as he escorted me to the table. “Your grandparents have requested that your betrothed come to visit us, so that I might get to know him. Now that I’m here, your grandfather apparently feels that this man needs my approval, too, though I am sure he chose wisely.”

  This news brought a dark cloud swirling around me, but I gathered my self-control so as not to bring my bad mood down on Father. Instead, I gave him a sideways glance and asked, “They did not do such a good job for Mama, though, did they? Isn’t that why she left? So she could choose love for herself?”

  Father stopped, his hand resting on mine in the crook of his arm, and looked down at me. I had never seen him look at me with such clarity before, and I knew in an instant he understood what I was trying to tell him. He did not rebuke me for speaking out of turn. Perhaps I had truly grown from girl to woman. The fine line of being a child and still being his daughter might have finally been crossed.

  “The viscount is arriving this afternoon, so let’s give him a nice visit,” Father said quietly. “You and I shall have a chat about what may have developed in my absence that your grandparents are unaware of. Don’t worry, my dear girl, I trust your judgment implicitly.”

  The swell of pride that blossomed in my heart was so unexpected I nearly cried. Those words were what I had always hoped to hear from my father, and yet we had never had that sort of relationship. Mama had been the one to assure us we were loved and to shore up our weaknesses. Father had been our provider and protector. I supposed now that Mama was gone, he had moved to fill both roles for me and James. He was doing a lovely job.

  After breakfast, I roamed around the large house, wishing I had someone to talk to. The servants scurried away from me when I approached. There was no motherly Mrs. Saunders or Mrs. Franklin here. The maid who had brought me my washwater that morning had been a timid little thing who had actually squeaked when I spoke to her. I wondered if Father might hire other servants, ones who might actually make the running of the household smoother.

  James had gone out for a ride, and Father was locked in the study. It was the quiet moments like these which were the hardest, and which made me miss Graham and Kate with an ache that never lessened.

  ****

  The viscount’s carriage arrived just as a heavy rain set in. From my room, I watched him climb out of the door, rocking the carriage slightly as his rotund frame landed on the ground. The lane was already sopping wet. I hoped the rain would stop so our guest could return to his home as soon as the visit had ended. The thought of spending more time with him made me feel incredibly sad. He was a nice man, but I didn’t love him, and I knew I never would. If I deserved more, then most certainly he did also.

  When I came down the stairs, Father and the viscount were shaking hands heartily, and I felt another pang of guilt. My heart wanted something I could not have, and in the process I was going to ruin the plans of so many people. I just hoped my family could find understanding for me when they realized I intended to follow in Mama’s footsteps.

  “Lady Felicity, I am so pleased to find you well.” The viscount bowed as I entered the room.

  I dropped a small curtsy and said, “As am I, my lord.”

  James came in a moment later, and introductions were made. Father sent for tea, and we lapsed into silence. The fire crackled and snapped in the hearth, making me feel drowsy. A look of unease spread across the viscount’s normally jovial face as he looked from one person to another. I tried to catch my brother’s eye to find out what he thought of the situation, but he remained intent on staring into the flickering flames.

  Father cleared his throat. “I do appreciate your visit today.” He leaned back in his armchair, looking strong despite his ever-present pain. The viscount looked at him with a smile of pure pleasure, and I felt a pang of guilt. I certainly didn’t want to hurt this man. He really was so nice. Still, there was no way I could continue on this path. James had reminded me that if Mama were alive, she would have encouraged me to follow my heart, not the path of familial duty. “Honor her memory,” he’d said.

  “Perhaps you wouldn’t mind stepping into the study so we might discuss the arrangements you’ve made with my wife’s parents.” With great effort, Father stood. I saw James grip the arms of his chair as his face tensed. It must have taken great effort for him not to jump out of his chair to help Father. As much as I wanted to do the same, I knew I needed to stay perfectly still. I even held my breath. Things were working out far better than I had hoped. In a few minutes I would truly know my fate.

  ****

  Nearly an hour later, the viscount and Father stepped out of his study. I had been hovering in the hallway for a good chunk of that time. My heart had been hammering in my chest so loudly I had not dared to eavesdrop, even if I had wanted to take the risk.

  Instantly I knew what Father had decided, because the viscount looked sad. A pang of guilt hit me squarely in the chest, and for a moment I felt breathless. And reckless.

  He came over to me and clasped my hand. “I do hope you have much happiness in your life, Lady Felicity.”

  “As I do you,” I said in a choked whisper. Despite the fact that I had no real interest in the viscount, I felt tears prick the backs of my eyes. I lowered my gaze to the floor as I extracted my hand from his and curtsied.

  When he had gone, Father put an arm around me and said, “My dear girl, I do believe it is time for us to have a talk.”

  Settled into Father’s study, him at his desk, me in a chair, he smiled at me for the first time that day. “Tell me, daughter, why I just sent a perfectly matched suitor away.”

  From the way his eyes twinkled, I knew he already suspected the answer, but I took a deep breath anyway. “Because I love another.”

  “As I thought,” Father said. He paused as he regarded me across the small space. I wondered what he was thinking about, but even then I knew it had to be of Mama, of a time when they had been in a similar situation. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain Lord Blessington, would it?”

  My mouth dropped open. James, that traitor. I should have known better than to spill my innermost heart to that weasel. Still, I couldn’t lie to my father. “I love him, Father. I do, but I don’t think he feels the same way. I wish I could just follow the path laid out for me, but I can’t. I must find a way to make it work.”

  A huge smile split Father’s face. “First of all, Felicity, if the man does not love you, he’
s a dolt. Secondly, I remember your mother being passionate in quite the same way. You have my blessing, my dear girl. Go to him. We will work out details later.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  I smoothed the satin on the front of my pale yellow dress. The silky fabric still felt odd under my touch, and the color reminded me of a daffodil. Grandmother knew how to choose gowns, whereas I still felt like I needed to sew my own. I doubted the habit would ever break.

  The whole trip out to the Blessington estate, I had sat beside my brother rehearsing what I would say when I saw Graham again. Now James waited in the carriage — something he had been cajoled into by my whining — and I knew I only had a small amount of time to say what I needed to before he’d come in for me.

  A squeal broke the silence of the sitting room, and I turned toward the noise. To my delight, Kate ran in, followed by a woman I didn’t recognize. The little girl threw her arms around my legs, smashing the absurdly full skirt.

  “My Fliss,” she said, peeking up around the fabric bubble with her bright green eyes. Those eyes that made me weak in the knees. Eyes that matched her father’s. Eyes I hadn’t seen in far too long.

  “Hello, Kate,” I said, running my hand along her soft hair, which was already pulling free of her plaits.

  “Katherine. You are smashing the lady’s skirts. Take a step back,” the woman said sternly.

  I cringed at the coldness, the harshness in her voice, especially when Kate’s small face crumpled. Ever the obedient child, though, Kate dropped her arms and took a step back. I longed to pull her back to me. Instead I favored her with the happiest smile I could muster. “I have missed you so much, darling.”

  “You have?” Kate held her hands delicately in front of her, but her eyes lit up.

  “Of course I have,” I said. Words welled up in my throat. There were so many things I wanted to say to the little girl, but one glance at the stern, austere woman in the corner froze them in my mouth. How I wanted to ask who she was, but of course I could guess. She had to be the new nurse. She hadn’t shared any other information, but I had to assume Graham had hired this woman so that he could go back to sea.