I'd Rather Not Be Dead

by Andrea Brokaw

  “Drew?” Tanya calls to her as she passes by.

  TOM stops with an annoyed grunt. “What?”

  “Is your friend okay?” Her voice is spacey and her eyes seems to drift behind her movements. Maybe she's sick. But why is she in the main lobby instead of the emergency room?

  “Yeah, he's fine,” the other me answers, not seeming to notice anything odd about Tanya being here. “He's in intensive care, but he's just peachy.”

  “Maybe you should pray for him,” Tanya suggests, her words mis-formed by her lassitude. “I'd like to pray with you.”

  “Why don't you just do it for me?” TOM asks. “I prefer to talk to people who exist.”

  Tanya frowns, taking a while to understand the statement. TOM's turned the corner between us and the elevator before the young Crusader puts it together. “God exists!” she calls out, her fingers trying and failing to grab her cross. “And He loves you! If you could just accept that, you could be saved, Drew!”

  If the other me hears, she doesn't bother replying.

  “Calm down, Tanya,” Ricky coos, bending over her. “She'll accept Christ soon. We'll get that horrible demon out of her.”

  Horrible demon? I trade a confused look with Finn.

  “I know what you're doing,” Tanya slurs. Finally, she manages to catch her pendant. I'd have thought the gesture far too well ingrained for her to have trouble with it, however exhausted and ill she may be. “It won't work. It'll go wrong. You have to stop.”

  “It'll go fine,” he croons at her. “My angel told me this is the path. She was right about Drew coming here this morning and she's right about the rest of it.”

  His angel? Ricky Woodman has a personal angel now?

  “Let it play out,” Fray says sternly, grabbing for Finn's arm and drawing my attention to them.

  “He drugged the coffee!” Finn yells at him, jerking his arm free and striding after TOM.

  “Yes, he did.” Fray appears in Finn's way, but the latter dodges the block with ease.

  “He did?” I ask.

  Ricky Woodman slipped drugs into my coffee... Why? Did the 'angel' that told him I'd be here tell him to?

  “Yes,” Finn growls. “Probably gave you whatever he gave Tanya earlier.”

  Tanya... Shit. Yeah, she's not just feeling bad. He must have gotten worried she was going to mess things up.

  “Wait!” I jog after Finn. “I died from being pushed. Even if I'm about to be acting like Tanya, how would I get from here to being shoved off the overlook?”

  He stops to look down at me. “You're only shoved if the dream's exactly right. Tossed would kill you just as easily.”

  “The dream was sent by The Shadow Lord,” Fray announces.

  I scream in frustration and spin to glower at my friend. “If he knows so damn much, why doesn't he just tell us?”

  “Maybe he doesn't really know,” Finn suggests, going to stand beside TOM while she waits on the elevator.

  “He knows.” Fray takes a deep breath, looking around like he's looking for eavesdroppers. “He could get in a lot of trouble for helping. If he just let everything happen without his help, Drew would die and we wouldn't know how or where. That's what he should do. There are rules in our society and he's breaking a big one.”

  “Why?” I ask. “Why do that for me?”

  “He'd do just about anything for you,” Fray whispers.

  Chill bumps coat my arms. “Why?”

  While the other me shuffles in impatience, Finn and I stare at Fray, who concentrates on the floor for a while before meeting my eyes. “The Shadow Lord's name is Drew McKinney.”

  “What?” Finn asks.

  “Andrew McKinney,” I whisper. My hand searches for Finn's and latches onto it as some of the puzzle pieces snap together. “Granddaddy McKinney is The Shadow Lord?”

  Solemn, Fray nods.

  “But... He died of a heart attack,” I state, not quite arguing. “There's nothing violent or tragic or traumatic about that.”

  Fray shrugs. “I've always gotten the impression he stayed because he was watching out for his family.”

  “Like my grandpa won't leave the store,” Finn adds, getting a hesitant nod from Fray.

  Looking severely annoyed, TOM reaches out and presses the already lit button on the wall. She blows on the coffee, takes a sip, then winces. Everyone knows vending machine coffee tastes horrible, so there's no way she's going to notice the drug. I wonder how long it's going to take to start messing with her.

  My mind's still boggling as I follow TOM into Cris's room. His mom smiles at her, but neither of them say anything as my living self leans against the wall, sipping at the painfully bad brew while she watches Cris like she's certain he's going to leap up and run away any second. Eyes glued onto her with just as much concentration, Finn grinds his teeth together and radiates anxiety.

  TOM starts to droop shortly after she finishes the drink. Following a huge yawn, she shakes her head and announces, “I need more caffeine.”

  Her steps seem unbalanced as she makes her way back to the elevator.

  My grip on his arm keeps Finn from doing anything when TOM staggers and nearly falls into the wall. Should I tell him to move out of Shadow and shout for a nurse? Surely if anyone saw what we're watching, they'd do something to keep the living me here. Which would keep her alive, right?

  My mouth opens, but Fray shakes his head quickly. His eyes are frantic when they meet mine. What is he not saying?

  “Trust me.” The words simply appear in my thoughts, written in that figurative book in my head.

  I envision the book, imagine writing on it. “What are you keeping from us?”

  “Trust me,” he scrolls across my imagination. “Please.”

  Maybe I shouldn't. But I do.

  TOM leans against the back of the elevator while we ride down to the nerve-jangling sound of Finn grinding his teeth. If he doesn't stop doing that, he's going to need dental work.

  My arms twine around Finn, as though I have any chance of holding him back if he decides we've done things Fray's way long enough. He lets out a breath while he puts an arm against my back. His hand rests on my hip, his fingers digging in around the bone. It hurts, but if the possessive grasping makes him feel better then I don't mind it.

  Ricky and Tanya are still in the waiting room but Tanya's taken a turn for the worse.

  TOM's footsteps slow. Is she finally starting to suspect something? Because she's going to realize something's up eventually, isn't she? Surely I'm not that stupid... My eyes flicker to Finn. Then again, this wouldn't be the first time I'd been blindsided by the obvious.

  We all stop near the Crusaders, Finn's hand still on my hip and Fray hovering on the other side of him, waiting to pounce if Finn starts charging in. Tilting her head to the side while peering at Tanya, the other me asks, “Is she alright?”

  “Yeah,” Ricky answers. “The doctor said she'd probably drift off.”

  TOM's frown deepens. “Shouldn't they have kept her then? Or sent her home? What's she doing out here?”

  Ricky's eyes flicker around the room, landing almost everywhere except on TOM's face. She clears her throat, moving into his gaze in an attempt to meet it. “What's going on?”

  “She doesn't have insurance,” Ricky says, sounding miserable to be announcing that to the world. “The doctor thought she should keep close in case she has a bad reaction. But if she stayed back there, they'd have to charge for it.”

  The other me nods and I don't blame her for accepting that answer. I have no idea if they bill emergency visits based on how long you hang around being observed but it doesn't seem far-fetched. And Tanya would hardly be alone in not having health care insurance.

  “But it's okay for her to be sleeping?” the other me checks.

  Ricky nods quickly. “As long as her pulse is steady. Which it is.”

  TOM nods again, then lurches in surprise when Ricky stands up without warning.

  My hold on Finn
tightens instinctively but he's perfectly still. In fact, he's so still that it's scary. I watch him, not sure what it is I'm looking for. I can't say if I'm worried he's about to snap, worried he's plotting something foolish, or worried neither or those are true.

  Ricky laughs quietly, nervously. “He said we only had to stay here half an hour, then I could take her home.”

  I try to look at Fray but Finn completely blocks my view of the ghost's face, so I look back at the drama. Ricky's stuffed his hands into his pockets and is looking down at his friend. He squints in thought, like he's wondering how he's going to get her out of the lobby. Not being exactly toned, it's unlikely he could carry her by himself.

  He stoops over Tanya while TOM staggers a few steps toward the coffee machine. “Tanya?” he calls a few times, giving her a little shake to try to bring her to.

  She murmurs, shifts, and stays asleep.

  “Hey, Drew?” Ricky trots over to TOM with a unsteady smile. “Um... Do you think maybe you could help me get her into the car?”

  Those of us in Shadow hold our breaths as the living me studies Ricky. “Why is she with you?”

  He gapes, thrown by the question.

  “Why you? I mean, shouldn't her parents have brought her here?” TOM clarifies.

  “Good girl,” Finn whispers.

  “Probably,” Ricky admits, his hand going to his chin and partially covering his mouth. “But they're in Pigeon Forge. It's their anniversary.”

  Finn sighs. Ricky's giving off all sorts of tells that he's lying through his teeth, but his answer seem plausible enough that TOM's buys it anyway.

  “Drew...” Tanya stirs, her head moving as she tries to find me with glassy eyes. “Don't go, Drew...”

  At this point, I'm sure she's trying to tell the living me not to go with Ricky but TOM interprets it as a plea against abandonment. She sighs begrudgingly, nods, and moves to stand next to Tanya. “Alright. I'll help.”

  Tanya struggles to say something, probably trying to tell TOM she's got it wrong, but the harder she fights for consciousness the less awake she seems. I bite my lip when Tanya slides under again. I really hope Ricky didn't give her too much of whatever he's handing out.

  My bones jar in tune to the grinding of Finn's teeth as TOM helps Ricky get Tanya out of the chair. Still asleep, Tanya murmurs like she's having a nightmare, but her legs support enough of her weight that her caretakers are balancing her in a sleepwalk more than they're carrying her.

  Living Drew isn't looking very stable herself. Neither's Ricky, really. His physical balance is fine but he's dripping sweat and his skin is flushed. His eyes jump in random patterns of fear. And his pause when TOM stumbles on the lip of the doorway screams of near panic. If the second girl passes out before he can get either of them to his car, Ricky's in trouble.

  The automatic doors are drifting shut before I realize we aren't following. I look up at Finn, finding him staring at Fray. Shifting for a better view, I keep my arm around Finn's waist and his hand stays on my hip.

  Fray meets Finn's glower with an aggravating calm that's likely to get him punched very soon. Or worse. The ghost takes a deep breath, letting it out with excruciating slowness. “Here's the deal, kids...”

  His eyes move from Finn's to mine. “You grandfather has gone to a lot of trouble setting things up for you not to die at that overlook.”

  I nod.

  “I think you'll survive going there.”

  Frowning hard, I nod again.

  Fray takes his time continuing, starting to speak a heartbeat before I urge him to hurry up. “I don't know what will happen if you're somewhere else.”

  “What do you mean?” Finn asks swiftly.

  Fray's lips curve ever so slightly as he looks back to Finn with eyes much softer than they were before. “The universe doesn't like to see its plans thwarted. It wants Drew to die today. Right now, everything's focused on her dying in a certain spot. But if you rush out into that parking lot, the focus will move. And I have no idea where it will move to.”

  Swallowing, I concentrate on breathing. The words make sense. I'd been thinking Fray wanted things to go further so there would be payback and conclusion. If the police find Ricky out on the road with two drugged up girls, he's going to jail. Whereas if Finn had simply distracted the other me, not only would nothing have been done to Ricky unless we could prove he'd dosed Tanya, but Ricky would still be trying to hurt me.

  The idea that's not just Ricky but existence itself out to get me is chilling. I want to scoff at it. The universe doesn't have plans any more than a town has plans. The universe is just a place. But maybe fate isn't a matter of conscious planning. Maybe it's just momentum. Maybe death is pulling me closer with a force like gravity. Maybe I'm close enough to it for that force to be tremendous. To seem determined.

  My voice is quiet when I speak. “So, what you're saying is if I don't die where I did before, I'm going to die somewhere else?”

  “Yes.” Fray nods, but he doesn't move his eyes from Finn's.

  “And we don't know what will kill me if I'm not pushed over the wall. I could be hit by a car or fall down some stairs or be crushed by a falling chandelier.”

  Fray nods again. “Exactly.”

  “Then we bet on the overlook,” I conclude.

  To say Finn is unhappy would be a complete waste of words. My hip is bruising where his fingers cling to it. The artery in his throat pulses with aggression. His eyes blaze. And his breathing comes very, very close to growling. But he nods acceptance.

  “Alright,” Fray says. His nod conveys a world of relief, making me think he wasn't entirely certain he was going to get his way.

  “Now what?” I ask.

  Fray lets out a long sigh, his head tilting forward as he shakes it, allowing his hair to fall over his eyes. “I don't know.”

  “You don't know?” Finn asks, voice chilly.

  “I have no clue,” Fray admits. For a second, I'm pretty sure Finn's going to hit him. And that I'm not going to interfere.

  “We could call the police,” I suggest. Normally I'm not a girl to run to the cops but if there's a time for that this would seem to be it.

  Finn twists to look down at me. “And tell them what?”

  “That you saw Ricky force someone into his car but you were too far away to stop him? You followed him until he turned onto the Parkway and think they should check him out?”

  “They might believe that,” Fray says. “But do we really want them there?”

  “Why not?” Finn asks. “We're not doing anything illegal.”

  The look Fray gives him is one part pity and two parts exhaustion. “Why is it none of the living know you can see into Shadow?”

  Finn casts his eyes to the floor, then pulls me close against him. His hands rub on my back like he's trying to warm me. “Right. He's about to kill someone and if they find out how I know, then I'm the bad guy. Touched by demons and all.”

  Over my shoulder, Fray makes a noise of sympathetic annoyance. “Do you think you can keep them from catching onto that element?”

  His hands go still and his embrace tightens before Finn replies. “I think I care a damn sight more about saving Drew than about people's opinions of me.”

  “Good,” Fray answers simply.

  “That the plan then?” Finn asks. “I go fetch the truck and pretend I've been driving around?”

  “Sounds good to me. Drew?”

  Finn's arms slacken to allow me to turn around. When my back is against Finn's chest, his arms tighten again, folding along my ribs. “Yeah, I guess.”

  The words aren't very confident. I don't like splitting up. It's irrational, I know that, but I have this feeling that if Finn stops holding onto me everything's going to unravel.

  Fray's eyes meet mine, their emerald tones suddenly eerie. “Take him to the truck. I'll go check on the other you.”

  With one long look at Finn, Fray nods and then sprints into the parking lot without us.

&
nbsp; My insides are quivering but I shove the fear down as far as I can and give the universe the tug it needs to take me and Finn to his driveway. He starts moving as soon as we arrive, taking his keys from his pocket and unlocking the truck before I've really gotten my barrings.

  He yanks the door open, puts a foot on the lip, and then stops. His head turns to me with relative slowness. “You can't come with me.”

  “No,” I whisper. “Duh.”

  He lets go of the side of the truck door and puts his foot back on the ground before walking back to me. We look at each other, neither wanting to leave the other but both of us too aware of the seconds ticking past.

  It seems like there should be words, but I can't find any.

  Instead of speaking, I step into him, bring my lips to his, and try to let the kiss say the things I want said.

  When we pull reluctantly apart, our eyes lock. “I love you, Cooper Finnegan.”

  His face twitches with the barest trace of a smile. “Love you, too, Drew McKinney.”

  I nod, start to yank on existence, meaning to flee before I succumb to tears, but then a panicked voice cuts through the air. “Wait! Drew! Wait!”

  Finn and I both stop, turn, and stare at the tear streaked face of a disheveled and terrified blonde. A blonde who I know only from Fray's memories.

  “Elza?”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  “Elza?” Finn repeats while the new arrival nods around gasps for breath. “Who's Elza?”

  “She's Fray's... widow.” I'm not sure what the right word is seeing how both of them are deceased. And I have even less of an idea what the bitch is doing here, both here as in Shadow and here as in Finn's front yard. The question shines back at me in a look from Finn. Browns swarm his eyes, bringing the greens almost to extinction.

  I step to Finn's side, but turn my attention to Elza. Short, blonde with long ringlets in her hair, and daintily beautiful of feature, the ghost is exactly as Fray remembers her. A white gown with an empire waist, looking straight out of an enactment of a Jane Austen novel, ties under a discreet amount of breast and flows down to tiny feet covered in white slippers.