She shivered. After placing his mug carefully on a convenient rock spur, he got up and knelt beside her, holding out his hand. “I’ll help. Together we’ll conquer this, or at least get enough control so you can live a more normal life. Deal?”
CHAPTER FOUR
He’s so positive this will work. Wishing she had as much faith in the idea, Taura studied him for a long time before extending her own hand. “At least I feel like you understand what I’m going through, so maybe this will work. Deal.” Clearly, there wasn’t any other solution open to her, other than going to the hospital and spending the rest of her life sedated and subject to restraint.
“I’ve bedded down here a few nights when I didn’t want to be in the barracks,” he said. “There’s a comfortable mattress and a blanket when you’re ready to sleep.”
“I’m not sure I can sleep or even dare to sleep—the nightmares are so awful and hard to wake from—but thank you. What about you?”
Making a scoffing noise, he said with a soldier’s pride, “I can sleep anywhere.”
Taura moved on to her next concern. Right now her concentration was like that of a dragonfly, skittering from subject to subject. I’m out of the habit of doing long term planning. “What’s our plan for tomorrow? Or later today, I guess.”
“All food is prepared and served in the dining hall, except for a few meals delivered by the cadets to individuals like Aydarr and his mate. We’ll have to go there for breakfast then to the stores area, to get you better clothing and a few furnishings for the cave, since we’ll be here a while.” He surveyed her. “Will you be bothered if we’re in a crowd of Badari and humans at the dining hall? Will the crowd trigger an attack?”
Taura shook her head. Crowds of people weren’t her issue, unless it was a crowd of Khagrish. “I don’t think being in a group of humans is going to give me anxiety, but I guess we’ll see.”
Rising, he stretched, clearly trying to ease kinks in his muscles. “Let me fix the bedding for you.”
She came to his side of the fire. “I remember Mateer saying the caves are for mated pairs only. Am I pushing someone out of their spot with you…is there—?”
“I have no mate,” he said quickly. “If I did, I’d still try to help you, but she would have to agree, of course. I would have introduced you to her the first day.”
A wave of cool relief spread through her. She didn’t like the idea of Jadrian already being claimed by another. Territorial much? You barely know the guy. Despite chiding herself privately, she pushed a little more. “No human woman who’s going to be jealous of us spending all this time together?”
Jadrian shook his head and tapped his heart. “There are many humans here in the valley, but none have taken a spot in my affections. I told you, I have no mate—there are no Badari women, none were created by the Khagrish.” Brow furrowed, he studied her. “Why do you keep asking the same question in different ways? Am I not giving you sufficient reassurance of my commitment to working with you on regaining your health and memory?”
“I just want to know what I’ll be dealing with tomorrow when we show up at this big dining hall like a couple. Are people going to think we’re mates?” Would he care what his packmates thought? Taura was sure the humans would raise eyebrows at her moving in with him straight from the hospital but she didn’t care two credits about the opinions of others. She supposed she should be sensitive to local social nuances for his sake though.
Jadrian didn’t appear to share the same sensibilities. “Why should they?”
“Well, when you put it like that, no reason, I guess.” Unsure if she was offended or relieved at his matter of fact dismissal of her concern, Taura lay down on the sleeping pad, trying to get comfortable as Jadrian laid the blanket over her.
The other humans will jump to conclusions even if the Badari don’t. She didn’t have the energy to care. After all, she was good at integrating into communities and being accepted, one of her highly prized talents.
Where did that come from? What was I really in the Sectors? But, try as hard as she might, no other memories or fragments of information came to the fore, and eventually she allowed herself to drift off to sleep.
In the morning, she borrowed a shirt from Jadrian generous enough on her slight frame to be a dress, belted it with the soft fabric tie from her hospital robe and walked into the dining hall at Jadrian’s side. The area was a huge expanse of open cavern, lit in a fashion she didn’t understand. Where this place drew its power from was a mystery to solve another time. For now she was grateful for the level of tech. The room was full of people coming and going with trays of food, tables where boisterous groups sat and others with sleepy individuals where silence was the order of the day.
The sound level dipped considerably as people noticed the two of them. As Jadrian steered her toward the food line, a lot of whispering and comments rose from the crowd. Jadrian must be hearing this too— he said the Badari have enhanced hearing as well as vision. He gave no sign of discomfort, however, but kept walking. They took their place in line, and Jadrian introduced her to the Badari warrior standing in front of them, then to each person serving the various dishes as they moved from station to station.
“Sandara’s been saving a plate of her special spiced rolls just for you, Jadrian,” said the woman ladling what looked like pink scrambled eggs onto the plates. “One of the cadets went to tell her you showed up.”
Taura read all kinds of undertones in the casual comment, as well as the sidelong glance the woman gave to her. She suspected Jadrian was seriously underestimating how at least one human woman felt about him.
A stunning brunette in overalls and a makeshift apron came from the kitchen area, carrying a plate with bread stacked high. The aroma was delicious.
“You made so much fuss over how much you enjoyed these the last time I baked them,” the woman said to Jadrian as she arrived at the line, “So I baked a batch especially for you this morning.”
He made a show of sniffing the air and smiled as he reached for the plate. “Very kind of you, Sandara. A nice gesture to welcome our newest valley resident as well.” He dropped one of the rolls on Taura’s plate. “This is Taura, who we rescued from the most recent lab we took down.”
“Nice to meet you.” Setting the plate on the counter, Sandara dusted the flour off her palms and reached to shake Taura’s extended hand. “Do you know what work detail you’ll be on yet? I can always use help in the kitchen doing cleanup and dishwashing.” Resting her hand on Jadrian’s arm flirtatiously and raising one eyebrow as she gazed at his face, Sandara said teasingly, “These boys have big appetites to match their size, but they’re not much on the housework.”
What a performance. Message received lady, you think he’s yours. Speculating what was running through Jadrian’s mind during this byplay, Taura kept her face expressionless. “I’m not sure I’m being assigned to anything specific yet.”
“Taura’s in the process of getting over her experiences with the Khagrish.” Jadrian balanced his tray and rested his free hand in the small of her back, giving her a subtle nudge to keep moving.
“I know the agri-techs need help in the gardens,” the older woman presiding over the eggs said.
“I think I’d prefer to be outside, now you mention the possibility.” Taura was happy to have an alternative to working under Sandara’s attention. Although outwardly pleasant, the cook’s attitude toward Jadrian was possessive, at least to another human woman’s eye. Working with her while sharing Jadrian’s cave probably wouldn’t be a comfortable situation. “I hope there’s a patient tutor available to teach me what’s classified as a weed and what’s edible here.” She nodded at Sandara and the other human. “Nice to meet you.”
“See you in the dorm after work hours. We can get better acquainted.” Sandara’s smile was perfunctory and didn’t reach her eyes.
“I’m not—”
“Taura’s not moving into the women’s cave yet,” Jadrian said.
“Oh? Well, I’m sure the doctor must want to keep an eye on you then. The hospital’s small but efficient.” Sandara shifted her full attention to Jadrian. “A group of us are going to the lake tonight, an informal party to celebrate the new moons. I’ll be barbecuing fresh faleker haunch—it’s marinating now. Darik had good hunting the other day so I set aside the prime cuts for my party. Special sauce included. You’ll be there, won’t you?”
Jadrian apparently saw no reason to refuse the invitation. “Of course. Any time you cook a special meal it’s an event not to be missed. You’re an excellent cook and put together congenial groups of guests so we’ll see you then.”
He steered Taura toward a table off to the side, where a squad of Badari soldiers sat with a cluster of what were obviously young Badari, ranging in age from maybe eight or nine years old to teenagers. “Was that a human dominance challenge?” he asked, voice low.
“A what?” Taura was pretty sure what he meant.
“You and Sandara. The tension was obvious.”
“I have no desire to set foot in her domain—obviously she rules this whole dining hall.” But it’s not the dining hall she’s establishing her claim to. As she walked with him, Taura took a bite of the spiced bread, which was delicious. How fortunate I have no idea what to do in a kitchen. Gardening was equally foreign to her, but being outdoors probably wouldn’t trigger any toxic memories as easily as any kind of indoor situation might. Weeding was a solitary pursuit, wasn’t it? She hoped.
The Badari warriors at the table were friendly enough to her, but she sat and ate her breakfast mostly in silence as Jadrian and his packmates conversed. Then the others took off for a training meeting, leaving the two of them alone. The cadets had departed noisily a while ago, Jadrian telling her the boys were off to classes.
“What are we going to do with the day?” Taura and Jadrian carried their dishes and trash to deposit in the proper spots. “Other than seeing Dr. Garrison after lunch.”
“Have you ever fished?”
“Have I what?” Startled, Taura missed a step. “I don’t think so. But shouldn’t we find something more useful to do? You said all the residents here have to contribute and, now that I’ve seen the scale of the place, I certainly understand. I’m sure I could do menial tasks, and keeping busy would probably be good for me, keep my mind off things.”
“Besides being fun, fishing is an approved work assignment.” The happy expression on his face made it clear Jadrian enjoyed all aspects of fishing. “Fish are good eating. But we’ll go draw supplies and clothes for you first. After we take the items to the cave, then we’ll see about fish.”
The cavern housing the Badari’s cache of salvaged goods from Khagrish installations was huge, stretching further into the cliffside than Taura could see. Kelli, a helpful and pleasant woman, examined her stacks of handwritten lists and notes and then directed them to the areas of the cave where their allotted categories of goods were located.
“I can grab the things for the cave,” Jadrian said, “Why don’t you go with Kelli and draw your allotment of clothing?”
Since it was his cave, Taura figured the least she could do was let him furnish it to his taste. “I would like something better to wear than this borrowed shirt, kind of you as it was to lend it to me.”
Kelli was on the quiet side as she escorted Taura off to the left and into a smaller cave stacked with piles of clothes. “Mostly, we have the prison jumpsuits, and Badari battle fatigues. You’ll have to cut them down to size or else improvise as you did today. We do have clothes we believe were from human ships looted by the Shemdylann pirates.” She gestured at stacks of colorful items. “You can pick an outfit or two, to relieve the tedium of the other stuff. We do have social events from time to time, and it’s fun to have more appropriate choices to wear. All of us from the colony woke up here in our night clothes and were given jumpsuits to wear by the Khagrish. We didn’t exactly get to bring any luggage.”
“I woke up naked in a cell.” As the memories rushed to the fore Taura’s pulse raced. She bit her lip and tasted blood. “They gave me a jumpsuit later.”
“Rough.” Kelli’s voice was full of well-meant sympathy. “You must be from one of the ships then. Not too many here like you. Of course, there may be more labs with human prisoners.” Kelli sorted a stack of clothes, holding up a top and visually comparing the garment to Taura. “I’ve heard of crews—on smaller ships mostly—giving up their passengers to the Shemdylann and paying kidnap and rescue insurance for themselves, the bastards. Humans ought to stand together against the pirate vermin.”
“But there are people from ships in the valley?” Taura wondered if she knew any of them. Would anyone be able to fill in missing details of her life?
“Yeah. Gabe, Flo, Brent, Walt and a few more.” Kelli handed her a stack of items and walked to a different section, Taura trailing behind, juggling her armful of clothing. “I heard they were shown your holo and no one knew you.”
Deep breaths. Taura was fighting vertigo now and wanted nothing more than to run outside as fast as she could go, even though Kelli was being perfectly polite. The discussion was bringing up all her fears of permanent amnesia, of never knowing who she was. Concentrating on the words, she said, “I’d still like to meet them.”
“I’m sure you will. For all the valley is so huge, we’re a tight little village here. Let me get you a few personal items.” Kelli walked away, and Taura backed against the wall.
“You’ll give me all your secrets before I’m through. You may have been able to fool the Chimmer, but you’ll talk to me.” She heard the confident, gloating voice of the Khagrish scientist inside her head as clearly as if he was standing beside her. She shook her head in desperate denial as she slanted her gaze sideways to be sure the bastard wasn’t somehow inside the cave with her. I won’t, I can’t, you’ll never break me. But oh how he’d tried, applying pain, drugs, psychological pressure—
“Focus, breathe, you’re here with me, not at the lab.”
She was in Jadrian’s arms, outside the supply depot, in the sunlight. Blinking, disoriented, she shook her head. Over his shoulder she saw Kelli watching them from the entrance to the cave.
“What happened?” he asked.
You’re asking me? Her insides were quaking like a bowl of the colorful desserts she’d seen in the dining hall and she wasn’t sure she could remain standing. Drawing a few deep breaths to clear her head, she said, “Something triggered me. I was trying to fight it, I promise, but I heard the scientist’s voice in my head and…I lost it.”
Kelli walked up to them and offered Taura a cup. “Figured you might need water.” She set down the basket she was also carrying.
“Thank you, that’s very kind. I hope I didn’t hurt you or scare you just now.” Taura took the mug and sipped the cool water, which soothed her raw throat. She was under no illusions—if she assaulted an innocent bystander in the valley during one of her incidents, the Badari pack leaders would imprison her in the hospital despite Jadrian’s efforts, and then freedom might not be offered again.
“You were having trouble breathing, so I hustled to get Jadrian.” Kelli accepted the mug from her. Running her fingernail along the stylized geometric design incised into the side, she hesitated and then said, “We all have our bad memories from the damn labs. Some of us have them worse than others do. You’ll be fine after a few days here in the valley, I’m sure.” The stores keeper switched her attention to Jadrian. “Best take her to your quarters. The clothes she picked are in the basket—she dropped them when the flashback episode started. I’ll send the household items you chose over this afternoon. I have cadets assigned to me as runners when I need them.”
“Thank you.” Jadrian took Taura’s elbow gently. “I think we should do as Kelli suggests. You can change into those new clothes before we get lunch and go see Dr. Garrison.”
Head spinning, Taura had no objection and was glad to let him carry the basket. She was silent for most of the walk to the cave before voicing her racing thoughts. “What if she’s wrong? What if you’re wrong? What if I never remember who I am? What if I can’t get control of this?”
“We’ve barely begun our efforts to quell your troubles,” he said reasonably. “And you said you did control this one for a few minutes so that’s progress. You could have told Kelli you needed to change the subject, you know. You don’t always have to tough it out every time the anxiety hits.”
But I’m a lone operator—I can’t trust other people. The self-admonition bubbled up from deep in her mind and she winced. Whoever or whatever she’d been in life before she ended up a Khagrish prisoner, all indications were her story was complicated. I probably wasn’t a simple telecom operator like Jadrian surmises. But then why did she have these random, urgent fears about unsent messages?
“You’re doing it again,” he said, touching her hand.
Blinking hard, she missed a step. “Doing what?”
“Thinking way too hard, enmeshed in worry and your own web of fears.”
“More like a web of racing thoughts,” she admitted.
“I see you withdraw from the present moment, and your heart begins to beat too fast, you exhibit fear like a creature of prey cowering in the presence of a predator—”
“So if I can learn to stop the cycle on my own, without needing you to intervene, I might be able to short circuit at least the attacks I have while I’m awake.”
“Exactly. But, for now, let’s be glad of the sunshine and the beautiful day and the fact there are no Khagrish within a thousand miles.” His grin was infectious and her spirits rose.
A Badari cadet was waiting for them at the bottom of the path to the cave. He carried a tray loaded with dishes and bottles of nutrient drinks. “As you requested, sir,” he said to Jadrian. “Sandara picked out the meal herself and says she hopes the lady feels better.”
Taking the tray, Jadrian said his thanks and the teenager left. When he moved to escort Taura the rest of the way to the cave, he took one look at her face and said, “Badari are telepathic with each other, remember? I asked one of my friends to send us lunch today as a special favor. I did not ask to have Sandara select the dishes. I think maybe you’ve had enough interactions with your fellow humans for one day?”
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