The Other Side of Lost

by Jessi Kirby

  I sit watching the leaves twinkle above me now, and I look up at the switchbacks of the pass ahead, where I can see our group spread out over the trail, each person moving at their own speed, lost in their own thoughts, but all of us making our way.

  Finding our balance again, with each forward step we take.

  We’ve Got Some Company

  WE MAKE CAMP at dusk, next to an unmapped stream, beneath a soft canopy of Jeffrey pines. I’m almost finished pitching my tent when I see Josh gathering water bottles to fill and filter. I grab my own and my pump, and hobble down to the water’s edge to join him.

  He glances up at me. Smiles. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I say, kneeling beside him.

  It’s quiet except for the sound of water over rocks, and I fumble with my pump, working up the courage to say what I replayed in my mind over the last few miles of the day’s hike.

  “Josh?”

  I say it before I’m ready, but when he looks at me, the words just sort of tumble out. “I didn’t mean what I said this morning—about last night being a mistake.” I laugh, and it sounds as nervous as I feel. “I had a lot of time to think about it today, and it wasn’t. A mistake, I mean. I meant it in that moment, but then, this morning . . . I think I just . . . freaked out a little.”

  He nods slowly, the hint of a smile at the edges of his eyes. “I know.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” he says. “Last night surprised me too.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.” He finishes with one water bottle and reaches for another, then looks at me. “I mean, I didn’t think I’d see you again after that day in the Wilderness Office, for one thing.” The corner of his mouth hitches up in a smile now. “And I definitely didn’t see us ending up in the same sleeping bag.”

  I laugh, thinking back to that first day we saw each other. “Me neither.” Heat creeps up my cheeks as I replay last night’s kiss in my mind.

  He shrugs. “Sometimes things happen, so you take a chance and go with them—that’s all we did. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

  “I don’t either,” I say after a moment.

  He looks at me with those warm brown eyes, and that half smile, and I can see Vanessa was right. We’re okay again. I’m about to tell him how glad I am about this, but Beau comes up behind us.

  “Hey! You guys gotta come back—we got some company you’re gonna wanna meet.” He’s smirking. “Some true mountain men.”

  Josh and I look at each other. He raises an eyebrow.

  “Okaaay . . .”

  “Just come on,” Beau says. “You can get back to your little romantic moment after.” He turns to leave before either one of us can say anything, and Josh and I gather the water bottles and follow him without acknowledging what he just said.

  As we approach the campsite, I hear Colin’s voice first, and after having spent the last handful of days with him, I can recognize the amused lilt in it. “So you guys just got on the trail today?” he’s asking someone.

  “Yeeaahh,” an unfamiliar voice answers. “Joined up from Vermilion Valley Resort. Brutal first day, man, but that’s what we’re out here for, you know? For the whole experience—the good, the bad, the painful, and the transcendent.”

  We step up just in time to see Colin and Jack nodding in exaggerated understanding at two guys whose backs are to us. I can tell they’re trying not to laugh. Vanessa’s having to work at it too. I eye the wood-framed, canvas packs both of the new guys are wearing. They look more decorative than functional.

  Vanessa clears her throat. “Mari . . . Josh . . . meet our new friends, Milo and Asher. They’re thru-hiking. All the way to Mexico.”

  “Wow,” I say. “That’s amazing.”

  And it is. Amazing that they think they’re going to make it to Mexico dressed like they are. I’m definitely no expert, but these guys look like they just stepped out of a hipster Instagram feed. Both look like they’re in their mid-twenties, though they could be hiding younger faces behind their beards. They’re dressed in flannel shirts, jeans cut off at the calves, and vintage-looking leather boots that have to be killing their feet.

  Milo and Asher both extend their hands, and Josh and I take turns shaking with each one. I try not to be obvious about looking them and their gear choices over.

  “Nice to meet you guys,” Josh says without missing a beat. “You hiking on, or do you need a place to camp tonight? Plenty of room here if you need a place to crash.”

  “Thanks, man,” the one with glasses says. He looks at the other one. “What say you, Ash? Call it a day?”

  Asher looks at us. “Sure, long as you all don’t mind.”

  “Not at all,” Josh says. “The more the merrier. Pitch your tents wherever you can find a spot, and make yourselves at home.” He smiles, and it’s not ironic, or making fun of them, just genuine. It’s the way he is. Friends with everyone, judge of no one. It makes me smile, and I add it to the growing list of things I like about him.

  Soon enough, we find out that Milo and Asher have no tents to pitch—but they’ve got bedrolls and hammocks. I watch, fascinated, as they each search for a pair of trees to string their hammocks between, before going to fill their water bottles in the creek.

  Milo comes back to where we’re all sitting. “You mind if I get a fire started so I can get to boiling this?”

  “Be my guest,” Beau says with a sweeping gesture. The smirk hasn’t left his face since he told us about our guests. I know what he’s thinking. He wants to see if they can actually build a fire.

  I kind of want to save them from trying and failing in front of him. “You can use my pump if you want,” I offer. “It filters the water as it goes in so you don’t have to boil it.”

  “Thanks,” Milo says, “but we’re committed to doing this the authentic way, like all the mountain adventurers who came before us.”

  “The ones with iPhones?” Beau says, eyeing Asher as he holds a selfie stick at an angle above him. “Pics or it didn’t happen, right?” He winks at Milo.

  Colin clears his throat loudly and Jack bites his lip to keep from laughing.

  “It’s not like that,” Milo says. “We’re documenting it for a project.”

  Beau smiles. “Of course,” he says. “There’s no reception to post it up here anyway.”

  “Anyway,” I say, trying to change the subject, “if you change your mind, you can use the pump.”

  “Thank you, kindly,” Milo says with a grin and a slight drawl that I’m not sure is real. Either way, he seems nice enough.

  And as it turns out, he and Asher do know how to build a fire. They get a little one going just as the sun sets, and the chill of the evening settles over us. We all sit in a circle around the fire, making our dinners of freeze-dried pasta, mac and cheese, instant mashed potatoes, and of course, Colin with his ramen. Milo and Asher take turns snapping photos of each other in the firelight, and then they go to retrieve their dinner, and I watch as they rifle through their contents before returning to the fire.

  Asher sits down across from me, and I note the bag of nuts in his hand. Milo has the same. They start munching away, and I can’t help but wonder if that’s all they’ve brought. I decide that if I have any mac and cheese left, I’ll offer it to them instead of automatically giving it to Beau, who is always so willing to take any leftovers that his trail name should be Are You Gonna Eat That. I drain the noodles and mix the cheese powder in. Asher eyes the pan and pops a few cashews into his mouth. He looks at me.

  “There is something WAY familiar about you, and it’s driving me nuts trying to figure it out. You from LA? Silver Lake, by any chance?”

  I shake my head. “No. Orange County,” I say, but I immediately wish I didn’t. I don’t want to give him any way to place me if I do look familiar.

  “Oh gawd,” Milo says. “Cultural wasteland. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s not so bad,” I say. “But I like it a lot be
tter out here.”

  “Man, I swear I know you from somewhere,” Asher says, and the little gnawing edge of worry that he might actually recognize me grows into something bigger.

  I shrug and look down at my mac and cheese, trying to hide my face from any more scrutiny. I don’t know what I would do right now if he actually did know who I was.

  “So how far are you guys headed tomorrow?” Josh asks, and I’m thankful for the change in subject.

  “We were planning on making twenty, but we’ll see. We did six today, and I’m in the most pain I’ve ever been in my whole life.”

  We all nod, knowing the feeling.

  “Best to start small and work up to the big miles,” Vanessa says.

  Asher smacks his thigh. “I know! I know where I know you from,” he says, looking directly at me. “You’re that girl.”

  My heart almost stops right there.

  “What girl?” Vanessa asks, looking at me.

  I give her one of those I-have-no-idea shrugs and try to keep my breathing even as my chest tightens.

  Asher glances at her then looks back at me. “That Instagram girl who made that video that went viral—about quitting the internet and everything?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t know who . . .”

  I don’t know who that girl is anymore.

  He looks around the circle to see if anyone else knows what he’s talking about, and I’m relieved to see a circle of blank faces. But then Milo’s lights up. “Holy shit, you do look like her. Yeah, yeah—the one who went on about social media, and how it’s all fake, and torched her sponsors to go off and try to find something real? That’s not you?”

  I shake my head again. “No . . . I don’t . . .”

  I don’t want her here. Not now.

  “Man, that’s trippy how much you look like her,” Asher says. “Too bad. Would’ve been cool if you were her, and you were actually out here, doing this.”

  “Maybe,” I say. I’ve lost my appetite, and I feel tired all of a sudden. I yawn. Stretch. Make a show of it. “Hey, you guys, I think I’m gonna turn in early.” I hold out my macaroni. “Anyone want the rest?”

  “Sure,” Beau says, grabbing the pan before anyone else can.

  “You okay?” Vanessa asks.

  “Yeah, fine. I just . . . I’m tired is all.”

  Josh looks at me like he knows something’s up. “Want me to walk you to your tent?”

  I shake my head. “I’ll be okay.” I look at Asher and Milo. “It was nice meeting you guys,” I say before giving a wave to the circle around the fire. “I’ll see everyone in the morning.”

  “Watch out for bears!” Beau calls as I make my way to my tent.

  I don’t respond. Bears are the least of my worries right now.

  “BEARRRR!”

  The scream cuts through the night, and I bolt upright inside my tent. There’s another scream. The sound of metal clanging together. Beams of flashlights swing wildly outside, throwing shadows all around. I switch my headlamp on, yank a trekking pole out of my pack, and unzip my tent all in one motion. I don’t plan on fighting off any bears, but I don’t want one to come plowing through my tent either. Plus, there’s safety in numbers.

  I jog over to where the fire was, and where everyone else is standing in various states of undress, making as much noise as possible in the light of their flashlights. I shine my headlamp in the same direction, just in time to see two large, furry behinds waddle casually back into the shadows of the trees.

  “And don’t come back!” Beau yells.

  He and Colin stand there at the edge of the trees, cooking pans in their hands, wearing only their underwear and headlamps, and despite the adrenaline pounding in my chest, it might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

  “You tell ’em,” Vanessa says, laughing. Jack is doubled over, clutching his stomach, cracking up.

  Milo and Asher stand clinging to each other amid what looks like the remains of one of their rucksacks, visibly shaken.

  Josh, who is also in his underwear, scans the group, and when his eyes meet mine, I bite my lip to keep from smiling.

  “Everyone okay?” he asks, not looking the least bit self-conscious about standing there mostly undressed.

  We all nod, and I try to look elsewhere.

  Josh turns to Milo and Asher. “Lemme guess—no bear canister?”

  Milo shakes his head.

  “We hung our food up there,” Asher says, pointing to the branch where the end of a rope hangs empty, swaying the slightest bit in the breeze.

  Josh shakes his head. “They’re too smart for that these days. Which is why we all use the canisters now.”

  “Noted,” Milo says, looking more than a little chagrined. He and Asher kneel and start gathering what’s left of their food bags.

  “Well, that was exciting,” Beau says. “But we got a long day tomorrow, and I’m freezing my ass off out here.”

  Colin puts a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s go warm you up, buddy.”

  Beau drapes his arm around Colin, and they walk back to their tents together like that.

  “You guys need help with that stuff?” Jack asks Milo and Asher.

  “Nah, thanks man,” Asher says.

  Milo picks up a mangled baggie. “We’re really sorry about this, you guys.”

  “It’s all right,” Vanessa says. “Just glad everyone’s okay.”

  Jack wraps his arm around her shoulders, and they make their way back to their tent, leaving Josh and me with Milo and Asher. I expect him to go back to his tent too, especially because he’s only wearing underwear, and in the light of my headlamp, I can see the goose bumps on his arms and shoulders, but he walks over to where they are and starts to help them clean up. I decide to do the same.

  “That’s gonna give me nightmares for the rest of my life,” Milo says, picking up a half-eaten apple.

  Asher shakes. “The big one came so close to my hammock, his fur brushed my face.”

  I look at their hammocks hanging in the shadow of the trees. I wouldn’t want to try to sleep in them after that. Josh is eyeing them too, maybe thinking the same thing. We glance at each other, and I can see a question in his expression.

  I answer it with my own. “Maybe you should sleep in my tent for the night, and they can have yours?”

  “Oh. Um. Really?” Josh says, looking pleasantly surprised. “Yeah, that’ll work.” He looks down, finally seeming to realize he’s in his underwear. “Lemme just get—my stuff.” He glances at Milo and Asher, who both look beyond relieved. “And then it’s yours for the night—does that work?”

  “Yes, it does, brother. Thank you,” Milo says.

  “And you’re sure you’re okay with that?” Josh asks, looking at me.

  I smile. “I am.”

  So we end up spending the night together a second time. And though we keep to our own sleeping bags, Josh reaches his hand out to mine in the dark without saying a word, and I take it, and we hold on until we fall asleep.

  And tonight, there’s nothing complicated about it.

  Lean In

  NO ONE IS shocked the next morning when Milo and Asher tell us with great regret, and even greater ceremony, that they’re going to have to leave the trail since they lost all of their food, and that they might not even be coming back. They thank us for our hospitality, and we wish them the best of luck, and then they pack up their hammocks, have me take one last picture of them looking out over the lake sunrise, and they’re gone.

  I’m relieved. It was a close call, being recognized like that. And though those parts of my life and past feel almost too distant to be real, they’re the absolute last things I want my little trail family to know about. Especially now.

  We joke and laugh about the hiking hipsters as we break camp, and by the time we leave, we’re all in good spirits. We have a long day ahead of us, but at the end of it is the carrot that is Muir Trail Ranch. I know from Bri’s letter that there will be a resupply bucket wa
iting there, along with real food, and even a natural hot spring bath, which I plan on taking full advantage of. I hope there’s another letter too. I miss her words.

  We descend into the aptly named Bear Canyon as a group, and follow the trail as it skirts along the creek. There are a few places we have to cross, but thankfully the logs placed for doing so are still usable, even with the high water level.

  By the third crossing, I’ve started to lag behind the group, which seems to happen no matter how hard I try to keep up, so Vanessa waits for me at the end of the log, and offers her hand for balance when I step off.

  “I found something I think you might like,” she says with a smile.

  “What?”

  She holds out her other hand, and in it is a handful of tiny blueberries.

  “Are they safe to eat?”

  “Yeah,” she says. “They’re wild blueberries. The guidebook even talks about them growing around here. Look. They’re all over.” She points to the thick plants at the bank of the creek, and as soon as I look, the little berries come into focus.

  “Wow,” I say. “That’s so cool that they just grow out here like this.”

  I walk down to the edge of the creek where I can see a cluster of them, and I pluck a perfectly round blueberry from the vine and pop it straight into my mouth. The little burst of tart freshness is the best thing I’ve tasted in days, and I happily pick a few more, savoring them one at a time.

  “My cousin would’ve loved this,” I say to Vanessa. And then I stop myself, not sure if I should’ve brought Bri up. We’re having such a good time, I don’t want to drag it down in any way.

  “Was she a big fan of blueberries?” Vanessa asks. She tosses one into her mouth and smiles, and I realize maybe it’s okay with her by now to talk like this.

  I think about her question, and feel a twinge of sadness that I don’t know the answer. I shake my head. “I don’t actually know. But she definitely would’ve been a fan of this spot right here.” I look around at the thick green of the trees and vines lining the creek, and I can almost see Bri standing here next to me, taking it in. I smile.