Heavy (Heavy Hearts Book 1)

by Sarah Jane Duncan

  Easing back a little further from Nathan’s chest, I see I left behind a patch of drool on his red t-shirt. Which thank fuck he is wearing. Glancing down at our bodies, relief sweeps over me when I see we are both fully clothed. If we had both been naked, even partially, then I’m fairly certain I would have died from shame alone. Just because we are dressed now doesn’t mean we didn’t get up to no good through the night. Fuck!

  I need to get out of here and try and get my head right. Fuck Travis for inviting me inside last night. My emotions are all over the place, and even though the devil lives under the same roof as I do, I need to get home.

  Lifting myself off Nathan, I look down at his relaxed face and the way his dark mullet spikes up in disarray. I’ve never really seen him like this, so quiet and vulnerable. It doesn’t change the way I feel about him, though. Our time together is over. I just hope like hell that I didn’t portray the opposite last night. Given that I woke up on his lap, though, says I probably did.

  A sea of teenage bodies is passed out on every surface in the living room. Looking at their faces, I only recognise a few. These are not my people. How stupid can I be? Going to a party with no friends to watch my back is the most foolish thing I have ever done. Well, except for maybe getting high and breaking into my school to vandalize it.

  What was I thinking? I have so much hate for myself right now. Self-loathing chills my heart, a heart that is nearly as black as the darkness that threatens to drag me into its abyss.

  Needing to escape, I pat down my body, relieved to find my phone is safe in the back pocket of my jeans. Shit, it’s 5:53 am! I don’t waste another second and move quickly, sneaking out the front door.

  Making the long walk home, I retrace the path I took last night to get to the party. As I walk, I busy myself by reading through text messages I hadn’t responded to last night.

  Abbey’s messages fill me in with details on her love life with Daniel and how she thinks I’m rude by not responding to her. I respond by asking her to meet me before school. Hopefully, that appeases her until I can fill her in on what a fuck up her best friend is.

  Ayden tried to get my attention by sending a stream of witty messages, and when that didn’t work, he sent a concerned text saying that he hopes I’m safe. God, I wish so fucking much that I had of walked away from the party last night and instead spent the night chatting with him. I’m so pathetic. He has no idea of what a trashy bitch I am! I should just leave him alone. He deserves to have genuine decent people in his life that don’t have fucked up secrets. I’m weak and selfish, though, so I send him a response saying that I didn’t have my phone last night but that I was okay.

  Pathetic liar, Lexi!

  Dad’s message tells me that he’ll ring me tomorrow night around 8 pm for our weekly catch up. That is tonight now, I guess. He calls me every Wednesday night, and even though it bugs me because he hasn’t been home in so long, I still look forward to talking to him. It’s as if my mind thinks that one day the man speaking down the line will be the dad who used to laugh and joke with me, and not the moody neglectful shell of a man I have now. He doesn’t usually have much to say these days. It tends to be pretty brief. How are your grades? Are you getting your work in on time? Are you behaving for your mother? Tonight though, I think I need to tell him about Mike. Each encounter I have with Mike is getting worse. I’m actually worried about how far he might go.

  Speaking of Mike, he has graced me with a message as well. Oh, joy! His message is simple. “You are fucked Ali!”

  It’s almost laughable at how different each of the messages are from each person. The only one who seemed concerned about me was Ayden. I’ve known this guy for a whole twenty-four hours, and already I feel like he knows me better than anyone else.

  After I sneak through my bedroom window into my silent sleeping house, I plug my phone in to charge and quietly unlock my bedroom door. I need a shower, so I go to my mum's room since Mike won’t be able to hear me in there. She is sound asleep, so I send her a text to tell her what I’m doing in case she wakes up wondering who the hell is in her bathroom.

  I end my shower with cold water, hoping it will help my hungover eyes. It doesn’t. Regret kicks my arse once again when I wipe the steam off the mirror and take in my appearance. Dark circles sit under my eyes, blending in with the slight green bruise still healing in the corner. Knowing I need to be quick in order to avoid Mike, I decide to air dry my hair today, leaving it out before rushing to get dressed.

  I need shares in concealer. Honestly, I’m probably concealers best customer right now. That thought alone is all kinds of fucked up. The only thing a seventeen-year-old should be using concealer for is pimples. Sighing, I dab the concealer under my eyes and over the bruise, hoping it helps me appear somewhat normal.

  Safely back in my room, I check my phone. Abbey sent a message asking me to meet her at our usual spot, and I send her a thumbs-up emoji. I hurry to finish getting ready and leave only minutes later, needing to be far from this house.

  Using Ayden’s blue corded earphones, I soak up the rawness of my Heavy playlist as I walk to wait for Abbey. When she appears in front of me, the sight of her breaks my strength, and I throw myself into her arms, crying. I can hear her asking me what’s wrong, but I can’t speak. I just need her hug, and she squeezes me tight, letting me know she’s there for me.

  When I’m finally able to pull myself together, we pull back, and Abbey sweeps my hair off my face.

  “What have I missed?”

  I think about telling her the truth, but I just can’t bring myself to say the words. I just can’t. How do I tell her about Mike? About the way he looks at me, or the things he says? How do I tell her about the things he does? It’s bad enough having to deal with my brother, but now I’m doing shit that I wouldn’t normally do. I feel like I’m spiralling.

  I shake my head.

  “What happened yesterday? Tasha called me last night and said, you went crazy in class.”

  Of course, Tasha would call my actions crazy. Bitch!

  “I couldn’t find you at lunchtime yesterday, but Allison said she thought you went home.”

  I sigh, defeated, “I fucked up Abs. Not just once, but twice.”

  Abbey frowns, “What do you mean?”

  I sit back on the fence, and Abbey stays standing in front of me, waiting for me to respond.

  “Last Saturday at Tasha’s party, apparently I smoked Travis’s joint and then went bloody walkabout. He told me he went with me so I wouldn’t be alone. And then,” I put my face in my hands, “It was me, Abbey! I was the one who valdalised the school!”

  Abbey frowns in confusion, but then as if a light bulb switches, her face morphs into understanding.

  “Your hand, it was cut. That was from glass, and not a rosebush?”

  I nod.

  “Fuck me,” Abbey curses.

  “I know. It’s bad. I’m bad!” I cry again.

  Abbey hugs me, rubbing my back until I calm down.

  “I hate to ask Lexi, but you said you fucked up twice. When was the second time?”

  “Last night,” I wipe the tears from my face, “I went to that party, but not to see Nathan. I needed to know what happened on Saturday night, and Travis would only tell me if I took him a bag of weed from Mike’s stash, so I stole the weed and met Travis at the party.”

  “What!” Abbey yells, “You stole drugs? From your brother?”

  I nod, “That’s not all,” I hang my head in shame.

  “Oh my god, what else, Lex?” Abbey sounds hysterical. Maybe telling her wasn’t such a good idea. I’m in too deep now, though, so I may as well tell her the rest about the party. Not about Mike, though. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell her about that secret.

  “Well, I was feeling down, and reckless, and Travis convinced me to go into the party, and all I really remember is smoking another joint, with Nathan this time. Then I woke up this morning, straddling Nathan’s lap in an armchair.” />
  “What!” Abbey screeches. She is going to lose her voice at this rate.

  “I was fully clothed, and so was Nathan, but I can’t remember anything. What if I kissed him and led him on? Fucking hell it was only a couple of days ago that I kissed Travis. I’m a slut!”

  “You’re not a slut. Besides if you can’t remember it, then it never happened.” Abbey grins trying to make me feel better.

  I smile briefly, but it falls quickly from my face.

  “Abbey, I really can’t remember anything. What if I did something else, something more. What if I...” I trail off, waiting for Abbey to understand.

  She thinks about what I said for a moment. “Do you feel different? You know... down there?” Abbey points to her pelvis region.

  I shake my head, “No, it all feels the same.”

  Abbey nods, “Good. Then you’re most likely still a virgin. You would be able to feel it. It stings and burns for a bit.”

  My mouth drops open in shock, “Oh my god, Abbey Rundle! You lost your virginity!”

  “Shh!” Abbey hisses, putting her palm over my mouth.

  I rip her hand away, pushing her back as I jump down from the fence.

  “You had sex?” I whisper yell, grabbing onto Abbey’s shoulders.

  She bites her lip, smiling, and nods.

  “Holy shit!” We jump around, hugging each other like idiots. My troubles are briefly forgotten.

  I stop jumping and pull back to see Abbey’s face.

  “When?” I ask.

  “Yesterday after school. Daniel’s family was out for a few hours, and, well, one thing led to another.”

  “Wow,” I whisper, happy for her and, dare I say, a little jealous too.

  “So, how was it?” I eagerly ask for details.

  “Um, well, at first things were feeling so amazing before we... you know, had sex. Then it hurt, mainly at the start. It stung and burnt, and I wasn’t sure if I could keep going, but Daniel was caring, and we figured it out, and the second time felt better than the first.”

  I gasped, “You did it more than once?”

  “Three times.” Abbey’s grin is from ear to ear.

  “Wow,” I say again.

  Abbey nods, “I have lots of details to fill you in with because a lot has changed this week, but Lexi,” Abbey’s smile disappears, “I’ve been a terrible friend. You’re going through something, and I’ve been too caught up with Daniel.”

  My eyes glass over, feeling happy that she is still my friend because I had honestly thought Daniel was taking my place. I don’t want to tell Abbey that, though, so I keep it to myself, just like all of my other secrets.

  “Lexi, I need you to promise me something.” Abbey looks so serious now, and it almost scares me. I nod, waiting for her to continue. “I need you to stay away from drugs. Please!” She pleads.

  I nod again, “I will. I’m sure of it,” I put my head down in shame, “Am I a bad person Abs?”

  “No, Lexi, a few bad choices doesn’t equal a bad person.”

  I smile at the words I’m sure she stole from her mother.

  “Come on, let's go to school.”

  On our walk, Abbey gives me more intimate details of her first experience with Daniel. Hearing it makes me even more curious, and I’m shocked when my thoughts automatically turn to Ayden. At this point, I’m nearly sure I have lost my marbles. I don’t even know the guy. Why would I think of him when I think of that?

  As Abbey and I part ways when we get to school, I get a message from Ayden, and my heart flutters even though I keep telling myself that he’s better off not being my friend.

  Ayden Mitchell

  I’m so glad you’re okay. It worried me not hearing back from you last night.

  Did you sleep, okay?

  Lexi West

  Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. I slept like a log.

  More like I was passed out like a log, but he doesn’t need to know that.

  Ayden Mitchell

  I’m glad you slept well ☺

  I won’t be at school today. I’m heading to my dad’s to spend the day with him.

  I’ll be back later tonight, though, so maybe we can catch up then?

  I’m pathetic! Knowing Ayden won't be here today makes me want to cry again. Get a hold of yourself, Lexi!

  Lexi West

  Have a great day with your dad! We will definitely catch up tonight. ☺

  Ayden Mitchell

  ☺

  I struggle through the morning with little enthusiasm. The darkness I felt earlier this morning has faded a little. I’d hate to admit it, but I’m pretty sure that sitting in class re-reading over Ayden’s messages is proving to be good for my soul.

  Recess is uneventful, and I keep to myself even though my friends surround me. I automatically seek out Ayden even though I know he isn’t here. Marcus spots me and gives me a friendly smile that I now realise is very similar to Ayden’s. I smile back briefly before blocking out the world with my music and trying to ignore the sting I feel of being left behind by Abbey again as she spends her time at the new couple's table.

  If I thought my day would continue to be boring and eventless, then I should get my head checked because by the time lunch rolls around, I’m back to being thrown into the bottomless pit of hell when I get a call from my mum.

  CHAPTER NINE

  “Lexi, call the police!” My mum screams down the phone, which has me instantly jumping to my feet.

  “What? Why?” Without even thinking, I’m rushing to my locker to get my bag. If my mum needs the police, then I need to go home.

  She screams again, which is followed by Mike’s raging temper.

  “Lexi, if you call the fucking police, I will kill her!”

  The line disconnects, and I freeze for a second, looking at the screen. Then I run.

  I run the twenty-minute walk in ten minutes, skidding to a brief stop across from my house, my lungs on fire, air struggling to get in. An ambulance is sitting in my driveway.

  “No,” I whisper before running into my house.

  “Mum!” I scream, “Mum!”

  There’s glass everywhere. Furniture is upturned, and some nasty-looking holes dent the walls in the hall.

  “In here.” An unfamiliar male voice calls, and I follow it without hesitation.

  Entering the back living area, I see two paramedics securing my mum to a gurney.

  “Mum!” Running to her side, I reach to grab her hand but think better of it when I see all the blood. Her face is smeared with the thick metallic liquid, which trails down her forehead and cheek from a large gash near her hairline.

  “I’m okay, Lexi. I’ll be okay.” She’s crying, but her words are strong.

  “The police are searching the neighbourhood for the intruders. Your mum is very brave.” I pay no attention to the paramedic who spoke, keeping my eyes on my mum.

  “Intruders?”

  “Yes, Lexi, intruders.” Her tone and pointed glare tell me not to question her lie. My shoulders drop. Why is she lying about this? Why is she protecting Mike?

  “Sweetie, I’ll be in the hospital, perhaps because intruders are running around, you should go stay with your friends?”

  I nod, understanding the meaning behind my mum's suggestion. I need to get out of here before Mike gets back.

  The paramedics load my mum into their ambulance before driving off to leave me alone in the house. I don’t hesitate for another minute, making quick work of getting the hell out of here. Grabbing a backpack up in my room, I shove in some clothes, makeup, toothbrush, and phone charger before storming into Mike’s bedroom. He has a stash of money in his bedside drawer, so I steal $100 and leave the place that has been feeling less and less like my home every day.

  Walking the back streets of Fox Pines, I head to the train station, deciding to go to my dad in the city. He will know what to do. I try calling him from the train, but it goes to voicemail, so I leave a brief message about what Mike did to
mum as the train pulls out of the station.

  My phone blows up with SnapChat messages, so I indulge in them to keep me distracted during the train ride.

  Abbey-Tosch

  Girl where you at? Tasha said you ran off somewhere.

  Lexi-West

  Mum called. She’s not well. Had to go to the hospital. I’m heading to the city to see my dad.

  I can’t tell Abbey the whole truth since I’ve kept her in the dark for so long about the situation at home. She doesn’t need to know about Mike. Not yet, anyway.

  Abbey-Tosch

  Oh no. I hope your mum will be okay Lex. Say hi to your dad for me!! It’s been months since I’ve seen him.

  It’s been months since I’ve seen my dad too. I wish I could say that I’m looking forward to seeing him, but I’m not. He never seems happy to see me either these days, so I guess the feeling will be mutual.

  Lexi-West

  I will ☺

  Abbey-Tosch

  GTG. Daniel keeps running his hand up my leg under the table. Mr Todd is going to catch us!! Lol

  I roll my eyes. I hope they do get caught. I hope her parents get called and they make her kneel and beg Gods for forgiveness in front of that weird arse alter thing they have in their living room.

  Wait. No, I don’t. I don’t want that to happen at all. I just really want Abbey to sound like she at least gives a shit about what’s going on with me. Maybe I’m being selfish? I shoot Abbey a “talk later” message before moving onto the next one, from Marcus.

  Marcus-Grady

  Hey Lexi. Is everything okay? I saw you run out of school earlier.

  Lexi-West

  Hi Marcus. All G. My mums not well and had to go to hospital but it’s nothing serious.

  Marcus-Grady

  Are you sure? Going to hospital sounds pretty serious. Do you need anything? I can come and sit with you.

  What is Marcus up to? Yes, we were close friends growing up, but we haven’t been close for a few years now. His attention has come out of nowhere. Shit has Ayden been telling him about me? Did he show Marcus the video of my crack house? Did he tell him about the bruise on my eye?