Heavy (Heavy Hearts Book 1)

by Sarah Jane Duncan

  And now I’m wide awake! I’m in both heaven and hell right now! The urge to moan, yes, moan, is almost overwhelming because I’m so obsessively drawn to his touch. The need for more is like dangling a lolly-pop in front of a three-year-old. It’s impossible to resist. I’m hyper-aware of every part of my body that touches his, and I’m sure it’s going to drive me mad with a level of lust I’ve never experienced.

  It takes an extremely long time to simmer down the heat pulsing through my body, but eventually, I’m able to calm myself before I make a real idiot out of myself and do something like rub up against him like a wanton cat. Ayden doesn’t say a word remaining quiet as we lay together in the dark. It helps me to relax, and eventually, sleep drags me under as I listen to the sound of his steady breathing.

  I sleep soundly all night, which is another glorious reprieve for my exhausted mind and body. No dreams plague me, reminding me of the nightmare that I’ve been living. As I stir from sleep the next morning, I can’t stop a smile from forming when my nose picks up the addictive scent of Ayden. His muscular body warms my back in a delicious spoon, and I almost moan from the comfort it brings. I quickly become hyper-aware of the very prominent bulge pressing against my backside and am glad I held in my moan because that would have been embarrassing.

  “Sorry,” Ayden whispers, startling me. I hadn’t realised he was awake. “It’ll go away soon.”

  I stifle a giggle at his lack of embarrassment. “Really?”

  He pulls me closer, tighter against his body. “Probably not.”

  “I don’t think pulling me closer is going to help,” my smile is ridiculously big, which causes a stinging pinch on the bruised side of my face.

  “Again, probably not.” He shifts a little, and I can feel his warm breath on my ear. Did he just smell me?

  “Ah… Would it help if I get out of bed?” I ask. Part of me likes how he is holding me as if he needs me to breathe, but another part of me feels uncomfortable because of the intimacy. I’ve never had this level of intimacy, not even with Nathan.

  “No.” He says, giving me a little squeeze.

  Silence fills the room for a few minutes as I lay as still as I can, trying to figure out how to handle this situation. Like, does it even need handling? I have no idea!

  “I’m sorry, I’m probably making you uncomfortable.” Ayden, always able to read my thoughts, goes to move away from me, but I grab his arm, stopping him.

  “Don’t go,” my whisper stills him before he pulls me tight against him again.

  “I don’t know how much longer I can handle having you close without mauling you.” He tries to sound playful, but I can hear the underlying strain in his voice. I want to tell him to maul away, but I’m also a big chicken. Ayden Mitchell is rapidly inducing feelings in me that I’ve never felt before, and I’m not just talking about my emotions. Lucky for me, or maybe unluckily, a knock sounds at the door interrupting us, and Ayden’s dad, Peter, pops his head in.

  “Good morning, guys. Breakfast will be ready in ten minutes.” Peter's eyes rake over our cocooned forms in his son's bed before he continues, “Lexi, I believe Andrea has news on your mum.”

  I quickly sit up to acknowledge Peter, “Okay, thank you.”

  He smiles before backing up and closing the door behind him.

  Ayden chuckles, “Saved by the bell.”

  I smile at him, and his eyes look at me with such care that melts me like butter.

  Ayden suddenly throws the blankets off him, leaping off the bed, keeping his back to me.

  “I need a shower. A very cold shower.”

  I try to keep my laugh in, but I fail, and he tries to send me a death glare over his shoulder, which looks more adorable than annoyed or intimidating.

  “Enjoy your shower.” It’s practically impossible to hide my smug grin, and the poor boy grunts, locking himself in his bathroom.

  I try my best not to think about him on the other side of the door, naked, in the shower, with the water running over his body. I really do try.

  Jesus, Lexi! Get your head out of the gutter!

  I move quickly to dress before Ayden returns from the bathroom, pulling on my blue skinny jeans again and my bra. Although I’m thankful for Marcus packing my bag, I’m a bit annoyed at his terrible effort, which has left me with little to wear. I decide to rummage through Ayden’s drawers to search for a top that might be suitable. Finding a hooded footy jersey, I throw it on. Before I close the drawer, my eyes land on a black box hidden at the back peeking out from under the clothes.

  Unable to stop my curiosity, I pull the box out realising that it’s actually an old lunch tin. I know I shouldn’t open it. I know I should put it back and walk away, but do I? Nope. I let my curiosity get the better of me and open the damn tin, just in time for Ayden’s return.

  “Jesus Christ woman, are you trying to kill me?”

  I spin, shocked to see Ayden standing just outside the bathroom door in only a pair of grey sweat pants, which ride low on his hips. I can’t speak for a moment as I watch a drop of water fall from his hair to run a path down the centre of his chest and abdomen before soaking into the waistband of his pants.

  “W-what do you mean?” Fuck it. Now I’m stuttering!

  “As if you don’t already look hot enough in my hoodie, but now you tempt me by wearing my jersey?”

  Okay, so he just called me hot! Right? Did I hear that correctly?

  “You want me to take it off?” Grabbing the hem of the jersey with my free hand, I start to lift it, revealing my bare tummy.

  “No! Leave it on.”

  “Leave it on?” I freeze with my tummy and probably the bottom of my black bra showing.

  Ayden frowns and saunters over to me, his crystal blue eyes fixed on my face before dropping to my hand. The same hand that is still clasping the tin. I look down at the now open tin and freeze. Holy shit what have I done. There in the tin lies a syringe, a long rubber band, a lighter, an old bent spoon, and a foil packet.

  Reaching out, Ayden gently takes the end of the jersey from my hand and pulls it back in place, covering my bare tummy, all while keeping his eyes locked onto the contents of the tin.

  “Ayden I…”

  “You wanna tell me why you’re holding something that doesn’t belong to you?”

  “I was looking for a jumper.” It’s all I can manage as I see the fire in his eyes when he looks up from the tin.

  “You found a jumper, so why do you have that?” Ayden points down to the tin looking mad. Like really mad. His chest is rising and falling in slow long deep breaths, and I can tell he is trying hard to stay in control.

  “I-I…” Shit. He hates me. I can see it in his eyes. What the fuck have I done? Why do I keep doing things to fuck up my already fucked up existence?

  He raises his brows impatiently waiting for me to give him some pathetic excuse. So I decide to go with honesty.

  “I’m sorry. I saw it when I grabbed the jumper out, and my curiosity got the better of me. I should never have done that Ayden. I’m so sorry.”

  He rolls his tongue in his closed mouth, trying to stay calm. His eyes dart between mine looking for a lie, searching for the truth. He doesn’t do anything else but glare at me, so I move to flip the lid back over to close it, but he stops me with his hand on my wrist.

  “You don’t want to know why I have that?” Ayden’s voice cracks a little, and I glance up to look into his eyes, only they aren’t on me anymore, they are on the tin.

  “It’s none of my business Ayden. I’m sorry for snooping.”

  He releases my wrist.

  “Don’t do that. Don’t give in so easily Lex. Yeah, you shouldn’t be snooping, but you did, and you found something that you know I shouldn’t have, given my history. You found it, so now you’re involved. Hold me accountable and ask me what you really want to know.”

  I’m shaking. I’m not sure why. I’m not scared of him. Wait, scratch that. I am scared of him, but not in the way th
at I think he will be mean or cruel or physically hurt me. I’m scared that he is going to tell me to leave, to tell me to get out of his life. Even if he does ask that of me, I still need to do what he asked and hold him accountable.

  “Why do you have this if you say you’re no longer using?”

  A breath whooshes from his parted lips as if he was holding it in for a long time.

  “I have it to keep me strong. The temptation is always there, especially when I’m having a bad day, but I keep it to prove to myself that I’m strong enough not to use it. It’s a fucked up way of thinking, but it’s worked so far. It’s also a reminder of what I did when I put that guy in hospital. That’s the potent shit I was shooting into my veins when I turned into a monster.”

  The tin rattles and we both look down to see my hands shaking. Ayden sighs and gently removes the tin from my hand, closing the lid and slipping it back into the drawer.

  Licking his lips, he takes a steady breath before cupping my bruised cheek.

  “It’s looking less angry today.”

  “Does it?” My voice is shaky.

  Ayden nods, “It does.” Dropping his hand, he gestures to the door, “We should go have breakfast.”

  “I’m sorry, Ayden.” I feel like crying because my heart hurts just thinking about him being upset with me. I hold the tears back, though. No more fucking tears!

  “It’s okay Lex. It is what it is.” He shrugs one shoulder and gives me a small forced grin. “Come on, just forget about it and let’s go and eat.”

  I nod warily, taking the lead to head to the dining room where we are greeted with a spread of cereals, pastries, and fruit.

  “Good morning Lexi. Did you sleep well?” Andrea asks, carrying a tray of muffins from the kitchen bench and places them on the table.

  “Yes, thanks.” I force a smile, taking a seat next to Ayden.

  “I slept great, thanks, mum.” The sarcasm rolls off Ayden’s tongue quickly as he lounges back in his chair, giving me a wink. My heart leaps. Is he really not angry with me any more?

  Andrea rolls her eyes, “Don’t be dramatic, Ayden. I was going to ask you next.”

  “Sure, you were.” He teases and piles his plate with pastries.

  Andrea’s laughter fills the room as she takes a seat next to Peter, who is pouring everyone a glass of orange juice.

  I watch with fascination as they fill their plates with freshly baked croissants and muffins like this sort of breakfast spread is normal. I’ve never seen anything like it. Even at Abbey’s house, our breakfasts only consist of toast or cereal.

  Ayden’s warm hand squeezes my thigh, “You okay?”

  I nod, still shaken from the tin incident and feeling a little silly as I watch Ayden’s family dig into the food. Andrea and Peter look up at me, a frown creasing both of their brows.

  “Are you feeling okay, sweetie?” Andrea asks.

  I nod again and clear my throat, “Is this normal?” I gesture to the food in front of us, “This sort of breakfast, I mean. Do you eat like this often?”

  “Uh…” Andrea stalls, but then Ayden jumps in.

  “No, Lex. Mum is giving you a long weekend breakfast.”

  “Long weekend breakfast?” I’ve never heard of that.

  “I’m sorry, Lexi, I just wanted to make sure you have a nutritious breakfast.” Andrea puts down the blueberry muffin she is holding, “This is the breakfast we usually have on Monday’s of long weekends.” She grimaces a little but tries to hide it by re-focusing on the muffin in front of her.

  “Oh. Well, this is great, thank you.” I force another smile, pushing past my emotions, which are threatening to turn me into a blubbering mess. Her gesture to take care of me like this is overwhelming, yet welcome.

  Andrea smiles at my thanks. “You are welcome, honey. Always.”

  Ayden decides in that moment to take it upon himself to serve me food, loading up my plate with so much that I won’t be able to fit in.

  “Eat,” he gestures to the plate.

  I try to shoot him an annoyed look, which only makes him grin, so I give up and start with a choc chip muffin.

  “So Lexi, I think I have found your mum at a Psychiatric Hospital on the other side of the city.” Andrea looks pleased with herself, “I’ve reached out to an old colleague to see if she can get us on the permitted visitor’s list so you can visit your mum.”

  A sense of relief washes over me at hearing this news. To be honest, I’m a little shocked that I feel anything at all given my mum's lack of interest in me, but she is still my mum, and she has been hurt by Mike as well.

  “Oh, wow, thank you so much, Mrs Mitchell.”

  “Please call me Andrea. Mrs Mitchell is Peter’s mum.”

  We all laugh and dig into the lavish breakfast, and I try to stop my mind from worrying that I may have ruined whatever it is that Ayden and I have together.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  We spend the morning back in the studio, messing about on the instruments and recording equipment. Ayden insists I practice Mary had a little lamb on the piano again before letting me bash the crap out of the drums. I humour him briefly. When I get my hands on the drumsticks again, I feel so free. Each hit expels pockets of anger that has been weighing me down, and in its place is a small bubble of happiness. I think I’m officially addicted to not just Ayden, but the drums too.

  Ayden doesn’t bring up the tin incident again and acts like it never happened. I still feel bad, but at the same time, I feel like I know him a little better and that he has allowed me to see more into the life he is trying to move on from.

  It’s a little after one in the afternoon when we venture back up to the apartment feeling light, and dare I say, happy. I’m an idiot to think that happiness could be part of my life, though. I should’ve known it would be short-lived. Very short-lived.

  Standing rigid in front of the TV, Andrea and Peter are watching a news broadcast. Curious about what has grabbed their attention, we walk up beside them to see my worst nightmare. My face enlarged on the screen.

  “Authorities from Fox Pines Police Department are looking for missing teen, Miss Alexis West, who is thought to be injured and possibly in danger. Alexis, who is known by her friends as Lexi, lives in the house behind me.”

  The camera pans out from the young news reporter zooming in on my house.

  “From the outside, this house looks like all the other family homes in this neighbourhood. However, witnesses have confirmed that what goes on inside this house is something more from a horror movie.

  Video evidence has been secured by the police which is said to capture some of the horrors that were inflicted on young Alexis the night she disappeared.”

  I’m crying. Burning tears fall uncontrollably from my eyes. The news reporter is talking about me, broadcasting my face and name to millions of homes across the state, maybe even across Australia. My house, the one I grew up in, is now on show for the world to see.

  “Police believe that Alexis may have fled the scene with a friend and has gone into hiding. Authorities are extremely concerned for her welfare. If anyone knows the whereabouts of Alexis West, you are asked to contact the Fox Pines Police Department or Crime Stoppers on the numbers at the bottom of the screen.

  Authorities are also looking for Max West, Miss West’s father, for questioning, and an arrest warrant has been issued for Mike West in relation to this matter.”

  My sobs fill the room, and my knees buckle. Strong arms wrap around me, sweeping me up before I hit the floor. Ayden’s scent reminds me that I’m not alone as he carries me out of the room, and I can vaguely hear Andrea and Peter’s concerned voices fade into the background. My ears are ringing, and I can’t seem to make myself focus on what Ayden’s parents are saying. Ayden ignores them, continuing through his dad's apartment before lying me down with him on his bed, pulling me close while I cry.

  The buzz of Ayden’s phone goes off continuously, but he makes no move to answer it.

&nb
sp; “I’m so sorry, Lex. I know you didn’t want anyone to know.” His whisper soaks into my heart, filling me with his gentle compassion, making me cry even more.

  The world knows now. There will be questions, so many questions. People will stare and whisper, spreading rumours that aren’t true. I’ll have no privacy. All I’ll have is my heavy shame.

  Mike is still out there somewhere. He could still find me and finish what he started. My dad will be beyond furious, and I hate to think what he will do. Uncontrollable trembles convulse my body as the reality of my future sinks in.

  “Ayden, we need to talk with Lexi.” Peter’s voice is quiet.

  “Later.” Ayden hisses.

  “It can’t wait, buddy.” Peter’s voice is firm, and I whisper to Ayden.

  “In a few minutes.”

  “Okay, dad, in a few minutes. Let me help Lexi calm down first.” Ayden doesn’t look at his dad as he speaks but keeps his focus on me, his lips placing a kiss on my forehead when he finishes speaking.

  “Okay, thank you.” The click of the door closing is loud in the silent room as Peter retreats.

  My hold on Ayden is as tight as a vice. I don’t think I could let go of him even if I wanted to. My body is clinging to life just by his touch, craving the strength he offers. I hate that I’m so needy in front of him. This is not the version of me I want him to see. I want him to see the confident Lexi. The fun Lexi that laughs and smiles and is playful. I have no idea why he hasn’t run in the other direction given the shit storm I have dragged into his life. He hasn’t really met the fun version of me, only the broken version that carries heavy secrets.

  I could spend my time overthinking it, but the selfish part of me wins, and I push the negative thoughts aside, deciding just to be thankful that Ayden is here, willing to comfort me and keep me safe. Those are the thoughts that help to turn my sobs into silent tears, which eventually dry up. Unfortunately, my nose didn’t get the memo, and I find myself in an embarrassing snotty mess.