From This Day On

by Janice Kay Johnson

  Why couldn’t he be in love with her? She was worthy, wasn’t she? She was trying very hard to convince herself that she was.

  Please let what he said be true.

  The elevator let them out and all they had to do was cross the wide hall. Jakob had his keys in his hand. He opened the door and let her enter ahead of him.

  “Amy.” He shouldered the door shut and turned her to face him. His eyes searched her face for one hungry moment, and then she rose on tiptoe and met his mouth when it crashed down on hers. He was shaking, she realized, and she might be, too. She sucked on his tongue and he groaned. After a minute she realized he was trying to peel off her shirt without breaking the kiss and she wriggled to help.

  Finally he did lift his head long enough to get rid of the shirt. She tugged at his, too, and it also went flying.

  Then he looked down at her. “You’ll give me another chance? You mean it?”

  “Yes. It wasn’t all you. Or even mostly you.”

  “Yeah, I think it was,” he said, “but I’ve figured things out.” His thumb moved over her lips. His gaze was heavy-lidded but tender, too.

  “Me, too,” she managed to say, before he slid both hands inside her stretchy pants and began to strip them down.

  “Shoes.”

  “Damn,” he muttered, and dropped to his knees to untie her Nikes.

  Amy braced one hand on his broad shoulder and threaded the fingers of her other hand into his hair. A deep, rich gold, it felt heavy and smooth to the touch. She didn’t care that it was a little sweaty; after all, she was, too.

  He wrenched off one shoe and tossed it, then the other as she lifted each foot in turn. Two more clunks and his were gone, too. Then he surged to his feet and lifted her. She flung her arms around his neck and wrapped her legs around his hips as he carried her around the half wall to his big bed.

  He laid her down and then stopped, knee planted between her thighs, to rake her with a gaze that sent heat shimmering through her. He made a guttural sound and bent to suckle her breast through the sports bra she still wore.

  Amy arched up, moaning. Desperately wanting the wet heat of his mouth on her skin, she pulled the bra off over her head then clenched her fingers in his hair as he kissed and licked and suckled her again.

  He said something against her breast.

  “What?”

  Jakob lifted his head. “These have been the worst few days of my life.”

  “I didn’t mean anything I said.”

  “Yes, you did.” The stubble on his jaw rasped against her belly as he moved his mouth downward. “But we’ll talk about it later.”

  Thinking about how much she’d sweated on their run, she had a moment of panic when he nuzzled the hair at the junction of her thighs, but he started nibbling and kissing his way upward again. “I want you.”

  “Yes,” she said fiercely. “Now, please.”

  He laughed, rough and triumphant. “Do you want me to use a condom?”

  “No.”

  The heat in his eyes almost incinerated her. A guttural sound burst from his throat and he rose long enough to rip off his own pants. He was over her, the head of his penis pressing at her opening, in one swift move. “Now?” he asked hoarsely.

  She couldn’t form a word. She lifted her hips and he thrust, and the surge of pleasure was almost matched by relief. Buried deep inside her, he went still for a minute, his eyes locked on hers. Seeing that her depth of emotion was matched by his made this moment one she wanted to freeze-frame so that she could recall it forever. This was different than the first time they’d made love.

  Because it was love. She did believe.

  Almost.

  And then he began to move, and she whimpered and clutched at his shoulders and rocked to meet his every thrust.

  Jakob was the only word she could manage when for one timeless moment their bodies fused and her entire world imploded.

  * * *

  HE LAY ON his back and thought of all the other nights he’d stared up at the dark beams above him. He’d always felt alone, even on the few occasions he’d had a woman here.

  This was different. This was Amy.

  Her head rested on his biceps and her arm stretched across his chest. Her hand kept smoothing his muscles, her fingers searching for his nipples, then tugging gently at chest hair. Her hair, of course, frothed out of control, covering his pillow and part of his chest and neck, one wild tendril tickling his nose. He smiled and blew, his eyes crossing as it briefly writhed in the slight breeze.

  He could have stayed here forever, but he had a feeling the not-so-fresh scent rising to his nostrils was coming from his own underarms, and new sweat was drying atop old.

  “Hey,” he said. “Up for a shower?”

  She made a humming noise and her head lifted. He could tell she was trying to see his face. With a grin, he rolled, pushed aside hair and kissed her, more of a big smack than a signal of intent.

  “We do stink,” she agreed with the crinkle of her nose that he thought was unbelievably cute. Her favorite word related to herself.

  “Shower, then eat, then back to bed,” he suggested.

  “As long as you cook.” She sounded sassy. “I haven’t managed one of your dinners yet.”

  It was true. They hadn’t done well together at his place. That was one reason he’d wanted to bring her back here tonight instead of going to her mother’s house. Then there was the fact that her current home was her mother’s house. At least his condo was emotionally neutral.

  They showered together, soaping each other, Jakob shampooing the hair that had fascinated him for his entire life. He loved rinsing it, watching the way it seemed to repel water so that the curls could regain their spring. The water ran hot against his back when he lifted her against the tile wall and made love to her again, her buttocks gripped in his hands. He felt as if he was going deeper than he ever had in his life, and when he came it was with shuddering power he could see echoed on her face.

  He didn’t want to admit his legs felt weak when they got out of the shower, but he staggered slightly.

  “Okay, I will not go on a diet so you can take me up against walls,” she declared, laughing at him. “Maybe it’s looming middle age getting to you. I have to be the smallest woman you’ve ever done that with.”

  “Never have before.” The admission actually gave him pause. He and Susan had showered together, sure, but he’d never wanted to take her up against the wall.

  “Never?” Amy eyed him, and he could tell she didn’t believe him.

  “Never,” he repeated firmly.

  “Oh.” Her mouth curved in satisfaction. “It was fun.”

  “Yeah, it was.” He smacked her butt. “I’m weak with hunger is what’s wrong with me.”

  He pulled on a pair of jeans. Amy wore nothing but one of his T-shirts, as he’d envisioned. It hung to midthigh on her. Even as relaxed as he felt, knowing she wore nothing at all beneath it kicked him into being half-aroused.

  He grilled sandwiches and produced a coffee cake he’d picked up at a bakery the other day. They sipped coffee and looked at each other across the table.

  “You were right,” he said abruptly. “I did feel guilty. There’s nothing about you that needs fixing. I’m the one who wanted to feel better about myself.”

  But she was shaking her head before he finished. “No, I’ve been listening to myself. Even in my head, I put myself down a lot. It’s habit, I guess. And it’s weird, because I don’t like it when anyone else puts me down. You’d think with low self-esteem, I’d be more...I don’t know, downtrodden. Wearing a Kick Me sign.”

  Even though she was serious, Jakob laughed. “That’s not you.”

  She made a face at him. “No. That’s when I got in trouble at school, you know. Somebo
dy would dismiss me, say something like ‘you’re too little to do that’ and I would just explode. I thought I could do everything.” Sadness shadowed her eyes. “Except make anyone love me. After you and Dad left, I quit believing anyone ever would.”

  Jakob unclenched his jaw. “God, I’m sorry. I have my share of the blame, but I was a kid. Why Dad and your mother couldn’t see what was happening, I don’t know.”

  She had dried and loosely braided her hair. Now the braid slipped over her shoulder and lay between her breasts. Her face was utterly serious. “People who live with chronic pain tend to mostly look inward, don’t you think? Now I think that’s what happened with Mom. She tried to bury what happened, but it kept hurting. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t see what the people around her felt.”

  If she was going to forgive him, Jakob knew it was reasonable that she also forgive his father and her mother, but he wasn’t so sure Michelle had ever been capable of loving anyone else. For Amy’s sake, he wanted to believe he was wrong, though.

  He made a noncommittal sound that seemed to satisfy her.

  “I never realized I was so negative.” Her gaze was turned inward now.

  Jakob hated what she was doing to herself. One more thing that was his fault, because he knew he was responsible for the fact that she felt compelled to examine her self-image.

  “So—” She focused on him, the same vulnerability in her eyes he’d seen earlier. “I plan to work at it, but I need you to be patient, too. If, well, you plan to be around.”

  He clunked his coffee mug down on the table. “If I plan to be around? How often do you think I tell a woman I love her?”

  Amy didn’t flinch at his anger, but she looked wary. “How would I know?”

  He held her gaze.

  “Not very often?”

  “Twice. Susan, and you. And with Susan—” Another regret, but one he’d have to let go of. “I think I said it because the time came in our relationship and she seemed right. Not because I felt anything for her like I do for you.”

  He watched her absorb his words. “Oh,” she said softly.

  “You’re it for me, Amy.” When she sat, seemingly stunned, he felt compelled to keep talking, to tell her some of what he’d understood about their past. “In the end,” he said finally, “I realized that none of it matters. Do any of us ever really know why one person pushes the right buttons?”

  The gold seemed to shimmer in her eyes, but he couldn’t tell what she was thinking.

  “Have I scared you now?” he asked.

  She shook her head, then bit her lip. “Not exactly. Trust is hard for me.” She frowned. “No, that’s not right. I think it’s you. You were always my...standard. My ideal. You know that. I always felt this sort of longing, wanting to be good enough for you.”

  He closed his eyes.

  “No, listen.” Her small hand touched his. When he turned his over and gripped her, she held on, too. “The thing is, it’s happened. Everything I could ever have wanted. Taking it in is a little hard, that’s all.”

  “Amy...” He couldn’t let go of her. He had to have that connection. “I’m human. I’m sure as hell not perfect. I shouldn’t be anyone’s ideal. I can be a real bastard. Ask any of my business competitors. I’m driven, impatient, sometimes a workaholic. I can’t measure up to whatever you’re thinking.”

  Her eyes were somehow knowing, and he had that eerie sense again that she must have some fairy blood in her. Then a giggle cascaded from her, and she was his Amy again.

  “Did I say you were perfect?” Her laughter made him happier than anything ever had.

  “I might have come up with that word on my own.” He wanted to share her amusement, but couldn’t, not yet. She’d scared him. Sooner or later, he’d get irritated with her again, or impatient, or he wouldn’t see that she needed something from him he wasn’t giving. He needed her to love him, imperfect as he was.

  “I haven’t forgotten the blue boob, the monster coming out of my closet, the pigtail you cut off. In fact, you were such a jerk, I can’t believe I’m here!”

  “Uh...yeah.”

  She quit pretending to be indignant and became genuinely troubled. Small lines puckered between her eyebrows. “It hasn’t even been a week since you were acting like a jerk all over again.”

  This time, she tugged at her hand. He wouldn’t let her go.

  “Did I say I’m sorry?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “I am.” He had to clear some grit from his throat. “Sorrier than I can ever tell you. I wanted you to trust me and lean on me and then I turned on you because you’d exposed behavior of mine I didn’t want to remember.”

  “You’re being hard on yourself.”

  “Am I? You don’t think I deserve it?”

  “I don’t know. I did feel betrayed when you quit listening to me and got angry instead. But you’ve been pretty amazing, too. Getting through all this would have been a lot harder without you.”

  Okay, it was time to frame the big question, and, man, he didn’t want to. But he knew he had to ask.

  “Do we have too much history, Amy?”

  * * *

  “TOO MUCH...” THE WORDS died on her lips.

  He looked unexpectedly grim. “I love you. Can you separate the man I am now from your jackass big brother? Even from the man who helped you get through finding out the truth about your father? Let’s not forget I had ulterior motives.”

  She blinked at that. “You wanted to know whether we were related.”

  “Yeah. Finding out was really important to me.”

  “Why?” she asked, some of the intensity she felt in her voice.

  “Why?” Jakob stared at her as if she’d gone off her rocker. “You know why! I wanted to let go of some of the goddamn guilt.”

  “Oh, come on!” she scoffed, instinct driving her. “How often did you even think about those days? What difference does it make now that you felt some inappropriate sexual urges? You don’t think the average teenage boy doesn’t get a hard-on because he accidentally saw his mother or sister naked getting out of the shower? I’ll bet you haven’t given me a thought in years except when Dad said something about me.”

  He glared at her. “Your point?”

  “My point is, I don’t think you helped me out of guilt at all. I think we got together for dinner that night and you were attracted to me all over again. I think you wanted answers so you could come after me.”

  The glare might have singed the tips of her hair. Except his expression slowly altered. He was thinking. Not thrilled about it, but doing what she asked. And, finally, his mouth curled ruefully.

  “I guess you’ve nailed me.” At whatever he saw on her face, the amusement became real. “And you’re feeling smug about it.”

  “Yes, I am.” She grinned, then got up and circled the table. By the time she reached him, Jakob had swiveled and was holding out one arm. She sat on his thighs, kissed his stubbly jaw and reveled in the feel of his arms enclosing her securely. She didn’t lean against him, though, because she wanted to be able to see his face.

  “Still means I was being selfish,” he said after a moment.

  “I don’t mind selfish because you wanted to go after me.” She cupped his jaw in one hand. “You worked really hard at it. And you didn’t quit when I fell apart and became...well, not that appealing.”

  “You are always appealing.” His eyes were warm, his voice husky. “You make me feel a lot of things I never have before. One of them is...protective, I guess. I want you to know that I’m here for you. Always.”

  Tears burned in her eyes. “I don’t mind, as long as you know it goes both ways. I’m not usually as self-absorbed as I must have seemed lately.”

  “I know that,” he said. He turned his head just enough to
nip the soft flesh on her thumb.

  She was melting down, and this time in a good way. “How?” she asked, voice shaky.

  “Because I’ve read a lot of what you’ve written. Your empathy and insight and heart shine through.” He kept on nibbling, then drew her thumb into his mouth and sucked.

  A shock of sensation zinged through her. “Oh,” she mumbled, then frowned. “All you said you’d read was a couple of my articles.”

  He smiled at her, his eyes as blue and clear as she’d ever seen them. “I did some research. I’ve found...probably twenty or so.”

  “Oh,” she mumbled again. She squirmed on his lap.

  He gripped her thigh and moved her closer to his body. His hips lifted slightly and she almost moaned.

  “We’re supposed to be talking,” he growled.

  Amy wriggled some more. “Aren’t we?”

  “You still haven’t told me how you feel about me.”

  Hadn’t she? “You know.”

  The big hand on her thigh trapped her and kept her from moving anymore. “I’ve been hoping.” He sounded hoarse. “That’s not the same thing.”

  “I’m crazy in love with you.” Saying that felt like stepping out of an airplane. Beginning the plummet to earth. She’d never imagined she would have the courage. The faith. But this was Jakob.

  He searched her face for a long moment, seeming stunned. Then he squeezed his eyes shut and drew a couple of hard breaths before pinning her again with those blue eyes.

  “Are you, uh, tied to your mom’s house for two years?”

  It was hard to think. “Well, sort of. I mean, I should stay in Portland. I promised to take care of the garden. But I don’t suppose it means I have to live there.”

  “If I have to, I’ll move in there,” he said. “But I’ll keep feeling like a guest. Despite the recent thawing, my relationship with your mother isn’t that warm.”

  Amy giggled. “Mostly, mine isn’t, either. And I feel like a guest in that house, too. It’ll never be home.”

  “Then...?”

  “Are you suggesting I move in with you?”

  “I’m suggesting—” His hand slid higher, up under the hem of the T-shirt. His touch delicate, he found her core, wet and shivery. He gently rubbed. “A wedding,” he finished. “You living here until we can pull that off.”