Has to Be Love

by Jolene Perry

  This has never happened before.

  14

  Not knowing what else to do with myself, I start on a walk from my house to the river. Five days ago Elias proposed, and for five days, I’ve joked around instead of answering or kissed him instead of answering or hugged him instead of answering …

  All Cecily said was, Yep, I figured he would, which was completely unhelpful.

  The muddy river is beginning to clear, and the rushing sound is as much a part of my childhood as my parents. Timson’s large green warehouse and junkyard comes into view, the sun reflecting off the edges of the metal roof. As I get closer, I can see large, unnatural shadows cast through the trees, made by the old fairground rides left to die. The paint on the ancient Ferris wheel is faded reds, greens, and blues, the lightbulbs long since broken out. I wander between a few rows of rusted-out classic cars before stopping next to the ancient Tilt-A-Whirl. The apple-shaped cocoons are tipped at odd angles and frozen on a ride that won’t move again.

  This is a favorite spot of mine in the summer. The old rides lose something when buried in snow instead of warming with the sun, but today is perfect.

  I sit in one of the large apples and give the wheel in the center a jerk, but the ride doesn’t move.

  Why don’t I know what to do? Most people make goals. They work toward those goals. I had a plan, and … and my stupid idea to apply to Columbia threw everything off. And Elias threw everything off again by asking me to marry him while we’re still in high school!

  It’s not like I’d be the first girl to get married right out of high school. I’m just not sure I’m the right kind of girl to get married right out of high school. Why did he have to ask now?

  I rub my face, my left hand meeting smooth skin, my right hand traveling over hideous lumps and lines.

  Mom would know what to say. What to tell me. Dad’s advice would be so tainted with what he wants for me that I wouldn’t know what to do with his words, and I’d just feel guiltier if I didn’t choose what he suggested. But Mom? She was always one to jump in and move forward. She’d get it. Get me.

  “I don’t want to scare you, but—” Male voice. Close.

  My heart flies into my throat. “Crap!”

  Rhodes’s laughter doesn’t carry far. It’s dimmed by the surrounding dead grass and the small field of broken toys. He’s leaning against the rails of the ride.

  I quickly pull my hair back over my face, and my chest weighs down. “What are you doing out here?” I snap.

  He holds up a camera half the size of my head. “And you?”

  “Thinking.” I pause, narrowing my eyes. “Alone.”

  “And now you don’t have to think alone.” He grins, steps onto the ride, and swings his legs over the railing.

  In this moment I should stand up and walk away. There’s no reason Rhodes and I should be sitting here and talking. At the same time, I find my body relaxing further into the old seat as he sits opposite me. The energy around him changes a little each time we’re together. Or maybe it’s my energy that’s changing, making us on a much closer path than we should be.

  I can’t let that happen. I have too much confusion already.

  “Rumor mill says your boyfriend proposed.” A corner of Rhodes’s mouth pulls into a partial smile.

  I shiver as the morning chill weaves through my light coat.

  “Rumor mill?” I cock a brow. “Does anyone use that expression anymore?”

  “Just me, I guess.” He smirks. “Was he serious?”

  “Elias is always serious, but I’m a little curious about where you got your information. You should probably say something like you were having breakfast at the diner, and the owner of the diner goes shooting with the guy who was getting his watch fixed at the jewelry store, and you heard someone talking …”

  Oh, crap. I have to tell Dad before he hears it from somewhere else.

  “Nope, but you’re close. Abby and Esther were whispering about it after school because Esther’s dad owns the jewelry store.”

  “Oh. Normally they’re chatting about how Elias deals with my hideous face. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to know you were listening in.”

  He rolls his eyes. “You never answered my question. And I’ve never heard them whisper about your face, on top of which, I can’t fathom how you could use the word ‘hideous’ in association with how you look. You’re scarred, but not hideous.”

  I ignore his comment about my face. “Does this answer your question?” I hold my bare hand up between us.

  He shrugs. “Not really.”

  “I should get home.” I let out a sigh. My life would be so much easier if he’d never come.

  “How does Elias feel about you going to Columbia?You’re running out of time to give them your answer. Is your dad excited?”

  “I … I haven’t told them.” I’ve told Rhodes and Cecily. That’s it.

  “Why haven’t you told anyone?” He leans toward me. “You got into an Ivy League school from Knik, Alaska.”

  Rhodes can’t understand a tenth of what I’m facing. I’d feel a million miles out of my league at Columbia, but going to that school, or any big school, with my horrid face and small-town Alaska-girl writing? Who would bother trying to look past my face?

  “I did tell Cecily. And there was no point in even telling her because if I go, I’m going to go a year later when my face is fixed!” My breath comes hard and fast, echoing in the small space.

  He shakes his head and frowns like he’s frustrated with me. “Excuses. Maybe you don’t deserve to go there.” He stands and starts walking for the railing.

  Rage breaks through every feeling I’ve been dealing with, and the heat of it takes over. “Stop being an asshole to me, okay?”

  Rhodes faces me and smiles like I didn’t just yell at him. “I like you, Clara. You’re a cool person. And I think that right now, someone has to be an asshole so you don’t dig yourself into a situation you can’t get out of.”

  Likes me? Being an ass to help? “Don’t think that by saying you like me, it’ll make me listen. I can make my own decisions about my own life.”

  He chuckles, wags his brows, and then just turns and walks away.

  Rhodes might be the most irritating person who ever existed.

  15

  Elias kisses me again as I push on his chest so he’ll leave. But my back is against the side of the house, Elias’s front is against my front, and the familiar ache of tightened want pulses through me, clutching my fingers more tightly around the fabric of his shirt. Why does Elias have to think beyond this? Why does he have to want more than what we have?

  “I gotta finish dinner,” I plead but can’t stop smiling.

  “And I can’t stay?”

  “Suki’s coming over tonight.” And Rhodes, who I don’t mention. And who I don’t really want to see after what he said to me yesterday.

  “Then it would be perfect.” Elias nips at my lower lip.

  “Maybe next time.” I kiss him again, loving that we’re in the playful moment instead of the pressure of the decision … But I feel his mood change as his movements slow.

  “You’re still thinking, right?” he whispers. “Because I’m trying not to be terrified it’s taking you so long.”

  I stare at our feet on the porch, the playful mood twisting into the fear of forevers. “I’m still thinking.”

  “I love you.”

  “You know … you know that I want to go to college.” Maybe in New York. And maybe the idea of getting married starts that whole permanent thing so soon, which has me freaked out …

  His grip tightens on my sides. “Of course I know,” he whispers. “I know you. I love you. We can do anything.”

  Elias bends forward, and his lips touch my lips only briefly before his tongue slides against mine. This kiss isn’t hesitant or careful. It’s full of the need and want that have held my body captive for a very long time. His arms wrap around me, pressing us as tightly together as we w
ere when he lay on top of me.

  And then the next second, his mouth is gone. “Good.” And then his body is gone.

  And his warmth. And presence. But not the thickness of desire that comes from kissing him.

  He spins away and jogs toward his truck, leaving me with rubber legs, leaning against my house.

  I suck in a deep breath to try to recover from all the swoony kissing as Elias pulls out of the driveway.

  Okay. Dinner.

  My fingers still feel weak as I slip open the front door, and I freeze at the sight of Dad and Suki embracing in the dining room. His lips on hers.

  My hands shake as I slowly close the door again and just stare at it. I’m not sure what to think. I like Suki. I want Dad happy. I just …

  “Hey,” Rhodes hollers from somewhere behind me, and I jump.

  I spin around to see him walking from the direction of the barn.

  “How did you get here?” I ask when what I’m really wondering is when he got here.

  “Four-wheeler. Very rugged of me, right?” He continues walking my way. “I’m conforming to your small-town ways already. You and Elias were making out when I pulled in, so you didn’t notice, and I was nice enough to give you some privacy.”

  “Since when is staring from across the yard giving someone privacy instead of stalking them?” I turn for the door. Getting into an argument with Rhodes is not a routine I want established—especially with nearly four weeks left in the school year.

  And then I stop. Dad and Suki are in there. Kissing.

  “How long you gonna keep that boy waiting?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I rest against the door and cross my arms.

  “Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on here.” He looks so freaking smug with an eyebrow cocked up slightly and that ridiculous partial smile on his face.

  “Mind reader, are you?” I snap.

  “Just a good observer, that’s all,” he says as he steps up next to me. “We going in?”

  Right. They can’t still be kissing. I push open the door to see … no one. Maybe they moved into the living room. I kick off my shoes and head for the kitchen.

  I can’t hold Elias off forever, I’m sick of Rhodes’s form of honesty, and Dad, and … Too much.

  I ignore Rhodes and start pulling out the lunch meat and special cheese Dad got for baked sandwiches. A simple dinner tonight since we’re leaving for Seattle in a couple days and I want to use up our groceries.

  “Wanna know what I observe?” he asks.

  “I just want to throw out there that you’re way too comfortable in my house, and no, I do not want to know what you observe.” I grab the hoagie rolls from the cabinet and start to fold them open so I can add ingredients, trying to ignore him. “Besides, I think you made yourself pretty clear the other day. And I thought I made it pretty clear that you’re being an … an … an …”

  “Asshole. Yes, I remember that.” Rhodes doesn’t even pause before continuing. “I think he’s comfortable for you. I think you love him, or you like him a lot. There’s no doubt he’s in love with you. And I think part of you wants to say yes because it means you’ll be safe. That everything about your life will be safe.” He pauses for a moment, and then his tone turns serious. “That world out there seems too scary right now, but—”

  Anger builds to bursting at how patronizing he is. I spin to face Rhodes, shutting him up. “Nothing in life is safe, Rhodes. Nothing!”

  His eyes widen a bit as he takes a step back, but I don’t stop.

  “Look at my face.” I tilt my face and pull up my hair so he can get a full view of my scars. Then turn farther and tug the back of my shirt down just far enough for him to see they continue down my back. “My mom and I went for a walk behind the house like we’d done a million times before. On foot, on a four-wheeler, on a snow machine, on horseback, and this time there happened to be a bear out there.

  “I survived. Mom didn’t. So don’t you dare lecture me about how staying here is safe. And don’t you dare lecture me like I’m a kid when everything else you’ve said around me says you don’t see me that way.”

  Nothing but my angry breathing echoes in the kitchen for a moment as Rhodes’s face softens.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Whatever.” I spin back to the stove just as Dad steps into the kitchen.

  “All okay?” he asks.

  My cheeks flush and my stomach seizes up. Every time I have to talk about Mom in the past tense I also have to remember that I used to have a mom and don’t anymore. Dad kissing Suki is like screaming at me that Mom’s gone. Tears begin to burn at the edges of my eyes, but I can’t cry right now. Not in front of Rhodes.

  “You okay?” Rhodes rests his hand on my shoulder.

  “I have no idea.”

  His other hand rests on my other shoulder, and he gives me a light squeeze that I feel shoot through my body to my toes.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you. Crap, Clara. I’m sorry. I’m really—”

  “It’s not that.” I drop the cheese and glance up at Dad.

  “You okay?” Dad asks.

  “I’m gonna do homework.” And I charge out of the kitchen and run up the steep steps to my small room and shut the door.

  The image of Dad and Suki is imprinted. I thought I was okay with this. The feeling of Rhodes’s hands on my shoulders is imprinted. The way Elias felt pushing his hips against me is imprinted.

  I have to sort this all out. Have to.

  My stomach growls as I sit on my bed, and even though I feel a little sick at having too many things running through me, I really should have at least brought up a piece of bread. There’s no way I can go back down after that exit.

  16

  I zip my small suitcase for Seattle closed with trembling fingers. Everything changes for me. So soon. Two days ago Elias begged for an answer, Rhodes got in my face, and I watched Dad take another big step forward with Suki. And for two days I’ve once again just gone through the motions.

  I walk down the stairs, slide on my boots, and head for the barn.

  The short walk slows my heart, and the moment the dusty smell of hay and horses hits my nose, everything in me shifts and I draw in a deep breath. Hand over hand, I climb up the ladder into the loft and dial Cecily. Dad was worried about my outburst in the kitchen, so it took me forever to convince him that I’m just tired.

  Rhodes can’t keep his opinions to himself. Elias won’t be put off much longer. I’m about to meet the doctor who will change my life.

  Every day I feel like I’m walking the edge of a cliff, and I don’t know if I’m supposed to run from the edge or jump off.

  We leave for Seattle tomorrow. Maybe that’s my jump. Or maybe I’ll just feel like the edge is even closer and I’m running even faster.

  “Hey!” Cecily screeches into the phone. “How are you? One more week and I’ll be there!!”

  Finally. “That’s it?” I ask.

  “That’s it.”

  I flop onto the floor of the loft and release a breath.

  “What’s up? Sounds like a lot.”

  “A way lot.” We rehash Elias’s proposal, and how I love him but it’s so permanent. And Rhodes, and how confused I am when he’s around, making him … whatever he is to me, but that I can’t get him out of my head. And Dad kissing Suki, which I knew was coming but is still weird. And I still haven’t figured out Columbia. Or told Elias any one of a lot of things I should be talking to him about.

  “I’m just …” I close my eyes. “I feel like my life will restart after Seattle, and then I’ll be able to make decisions. But before that …”

  “Head is too loud. Isn’t that what you say?” she teases.

  “Definitely too loud,” I agree.

  “Mom’s telling me to get off the phone, but I’ll be there soon!”

  “See ya.”

  Only neither of us hangs up. Nothing feels resolved, I guess.

  “Hang in, Cl
ara. It’ll all sort itself out.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” I don’t really see how. I hit End wishing she was here now instead of “soon.”

  I slide my phone back into my pocket without getting up and push the hair off my face. There’s too much in my heart at the moment for me to know what’s right for me.

  “You must miss your friend.” Rhodes’s voice echoes in the barn, and I sit up in the loft, heart thumping.

  “How long have you been here?” Did you hear what I said about you?

  He slides his hands in his pockets and glances down guiltily. “Long enough.”

  “For …?” I start down the ladder, even though I sort of want to hide in the corner. “Do you know that it’s once again sort of creepy super-stalking to be listening in?”

  He sighs. “I should have left. For sure. I’m sorry. I know none of this is my business, but I was here long enough to know how the Elias thing is going to play out.”

  This is none of his business. Zero. He always seems to be around at just the wrong times saying just the wrong things.

  I’m suddenly so infuriated that I step toward him, shoulders tight, hands in fists. “Don’t act like you’re watching from the sidelines, knowing what’ll happen!”

  Rhodes holds his hands up between us. “Hey. I’m just here. Not my fault if you’re reading too much into it.”

  “Bullshit.” I push him. “If you wanna come in here and play predictions, you can go to hell.”

  He lets himself take a step backward, still holding his hands in the air between us. “Big words coming from the Mormon girl.”

  “Why are you being such an ass about this?” I ask, breathing hard. “Why?”

  He freezes and stares.

  I don’t freeze. I keep on ranting. “Because I cannot fathom how anything I do with my life could be any part of your business.”

  His jaw tightens as he steps close enough that he has to look down at me. Close enough that I feel his breath on my forehead. The warmth of his body. His nearness sends a tingle low in my stomach.