Nellie squeezed his arm and smiled. “I do not know the man, so I cannot say. I hope you don’t mind, but I believe I will leave my judgment of the pastor until I have met him myself. I know you are not comfortable with the church, but it would be good for the children if you allowed me to bring them.”
A sad smile found its way onto Luke’s face. “Of course. I have been neglecting their spiritual education. Diana’s friends have asked me if I might allow them to bring the children to church.”
Luke’s shoulders sagged as he shook his head. “I know my children need to go to church. But if I allow them to go, people will see that their clothes need mending, and though I am not ashamed of my children, they will feel compelled to once again step in and help me. I cannot bear such a thing. I don’t want to hear how my home needs a woman’s touch. Or that this is no life for a child. I don’t want people questioning my decisions, telling me how I ought to be raising my children. Nor do I want their charity. Most of all, I cannot bear the weight of any more of their pity.”
How interesting that Luke was a man of such pride. Though pride was a sin, and Nellie often thought it to be a terrible flaw in a man, something about the wounds in Luke’s pride made Nellie want to hold him tight and tell him everything would be all right. Unlike Ernest, who had reacted with his fists when his pride was wounded, Luke seemed to withdraw into the shame and do everything he could to make things right on his own.
None of this was Luke’s fault. He’d lost his wife, and in some ways, lost his way. The grief would have to be worked out on its own. But Nellie could help with the other things. Their home would once again have a woman’s touch. The children would go back to wearing clean, neat clothing. They would be well fed and well kept, and everyone who saw them would see that the Jeffries family was doing very well indeed.
“You don’t have to bear that weight alone. I promise to do my very best to make sure there is no reason for such pity to be bestowed upon us. In the eyes of everyone else, you are moving on with your life. You’ve given your children a mother to care for them, and I promise to take that duty seriously.”
Luke let out a long sigh as they crossed the street. “Do you know how frustrating it is to be mad at God, to be so angry with Him, and yet want to thank Him for how wonderfully He is arranging matters for your family?” Then Luke shook his head again. “But if it were not for God taking my wife away from me, He would not need to be providing for us now. So how am I supposed to feel? It is still God’s fault that all of this has happened to us. I am still so angry, so hurt, and it seems almost an insult that He’s choosing to remember our family now.”
Anger vibrated out from Luke’s body. Of all the men she’d known with the right to be angry, Luke had the greatest. But in his expression of anger, he did not raise his voice. He did not get violent. Rather, he seemed to be filled with such a profound sadness that only the weight of his bones was keeping him upright.
“I can’t pretend to understand your level of anger at God. But I agree with you—it seems terribly unfair. I won’t always understand how your children feel, but I will offer to them the same compassion I’m giving to you.”
Luke nodded slowly. “I have never known such compassion. You do not understand what a gift it is to be allowed to feel what you feel. You’re the only person who hasn’t tried talking me out of my anger at God. I suppose some might see that as a lack of faith. But I think you know that this is between me and God. It is something I must work out on my own.”
He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it. Gently. Not like a lover’s kiss, or even that of a dashing suitor. But something that reminded her of the warm kiss of her sister’s greetings. Comforting. Safe.
“Thank you,” Luke said. “Most of the time, I feel as though I am suffocating from the weight of all that I must deal with. Everyone wants to take it away and make it disappear, but it’s not that simple. You seem to know that. Instead, you are offering me a lifeline, choosing to walk alongside me and giving me what I need without lectures or judgment.”
“I am not one to judge,” Nellie said quietly. After all, hadn’t she done many things others would judge her for? Even as she stole a glance at the man who was to be her husband, her stomach churned at the thought of him finding out all of her secrets. Though she reminded herself that he’d been firm in saying he wanted a marriage in name only, the uneasy feeling didn’t go away. There was no reason for him to know everything.
But as they passed another place that looked a little too much like where Ernest’s creditors had kept her, Nellie couldn’t help but think herself a terrible person for hiding so much from him.
Chapter Three
They took the train to Leadville a couple days later, man and wife. Such an odd thing, how quickly it had all happened. Just a few days ago he’d been a total stranger. But wasn’t that what they’d both sought? Mail-order spouses were also strangers, and Nellie would like to think that at least she and Luke had come to respect one another prior to their marriage.
Had she made the right decision? Nellie stole a glance at Luke, who seemed to be engrossed in reading his paper. Was he really the kind man she thought him to be, or had she misinterpreted the situation? Nellie pressed her hand against the waistband of her dress, where she’d sewn her coins. Though some had told her to sew money into the hem of her skirt, it was more comforting to be able to feel her money close to her. As she wiggled her toes, she felt the other coins, a secondary source of protection. If Luke was not as he seemed, she at least had enough for train fare. Where she would go, she did not know. But at least this time, she had a way out.
Was it wrong for her to have a plan in case things didn’t work out the way they’d hoped? Most people didn’t get married with such a plan. But most people hadn’t been married to Ernest.
Luke patted her leg. Then he pointed out the window. “Look! Leadville is just ahead.”
He craned forward, and if he could have stuck his head out the window, he probably would have. For the first time since they’d gotten on the train, a wide smile filled his face. Though she’d always believed in the saying “Handsome is as handsome does,” she couldn’t help but think he looked handsome, with his blond hair, blue eyes and infectious smile. Fortunately, his looks were not nearly as important as the other things that had drawn her to him. She knew better than to be swayed by a pleasant smile.
“I’m so excited for you to meet the children. I can’t believe I’ve been gone so long. Until this trip to Denver, I haven’t been away from them overnight.” With a sigh, Luke shook his head. “At least not since Diana died. Before she died, before we came to Leadville, I was often away, trying to find work to support my family. This job in Leadville gave me the chance to come home to my family every night. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to see my children every day.”
This man couldn’t possibly be a charlatan. Nellie smoothed the top of her bodice over her skirt, grateful the material was thick enough to hide the outlines of the coins. Hopefully she would never have to use them. Funny how life turned out. The whole reason she’d been saving this money to begin with had been to leave Ernest. But she hadn’t gotten the chance before he’d sold her. And then he died.
At least now, Nellie knew how little she could survive on. If things with Luke got bad, she wouldn’t stay as long as she had with Ernest. But as Luke waved out the window at a woman standing with three children, Nellie prayed she would never have to leave. Watching the mutual delight on the faces of father and children, part of her felt as though she’d finally come home.
“I assume those are your children there,” she said. “Who is the woman with them?”
Luke turned to Nellie. “That’s Myrna Fitzgerald, our neighbor. Her daughter, Ellen, was good friends with Diana. Ellen was injured in the mine accident. I suppose it sounds odd, but I feel more comfortable asking the Fitzgeralds for
help, considering they, too, suffered. Myrna’s husband, Seamus, is my boss. In many ways, the Fitzgeralds are like a surrogate family. Our daughter Maeve is named for Myrna, whose middle name is Maeve. She assisted Diana greatly when we first came here.”
Then Luke let out a long sigh as he gestured for Nellie to stand. “I hope it doesn’t make me sound ungrateful, not letting them do more. They often ask, but they have their own family, their own lives. I do not wish to impose. Still, I hope you will look to them as friends. They’ve been in Leadville for a long time and can teach you much of what you need to know.”
As Nellie stood, she smiled up at him. “I will be grateful for their assistance. But don’t worry, I also don’t like to overstay my welcome. I’m sure it will all work out just fine.”
Though lines still creased Luke’s forehead, he smiled and nodded. “I’m glad. Seamus thought me foolish in my pursuit of a mail-order bride. The Fitzgeralds want me to find love again, but they don’t understand. No one does.”
Nellie grasped Luke’s hand and squeezed. “It’s all right. None of that matters now. You don’t need to feel the pressure of trying to attain something that is not possible. We know where we stand with each other, and it’s enough.”
But as they exited the train, and Luke let go of her hand before they came into view of his family, insecurity thrummed at her insides. Of course he wouldn’t want his family to see him holding a strange woman’s hand. It was ridiculous of her to worry about such a small gesture. And yet, losing the warmth of his touch made Nellie feel more alone than she could have imagined.
She fell in step behind him, noting his quick pace. Indeed, the closer he came to his family, the lighter his steps seemed to be.
Nellie watched as Luke scooped up a little girl into his arms. That must be Maeve. Two other children, presumably Ruby and Amos, wrapped their arms around him. Contentment filled Nellie as she saw the genuine affection between father and children. A man who raised his fists to others could not possibly incite such warmth upon his return.
After a few minutes, Luke released the older children and shifted Maeve to his hip. “Thank you,” he said to Mrs. Fitzgerald. “My trip was a success.”
Then Luke stepped aside and, for the first time, gestured toward Nellie. “There is someone I would like you to meet.”
“I told you we didn’t need a nanny.” Ruby stamped her foot and glared at Nellie.
“She’s not a nanny,” Luke said. “This is my wife, Nellie.”
The two older children frowned, and Maeve merely looked confused. Nellie stepped forward, trying to quell the butterflies in her stomach as she smoothed her bodice over her skirt once more.
“It is a pleasure to meet you. Your father has told me many wonderful things about you. I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.”
Ruby’s scowl deepened. Her glare burned hotter than any fire Nellie had ever seen. “I can’t say the same for you,” she said. “I know I’m supposed to be polite, but it’s even more wrong to lie. We don’t want you here. We don’t need you here. It would be better for all of us if you just got back on the train and went home.”
A child’s words weren’t supposed to sting, and Nellie should have been prepared for the immediate rejection. But something cold twisted in Nellie’s insides at the way Ruby looked at her.
“Ruby!” Luke admonished his daughter. “Nellie is my wife. She’s not going anywhere. And I will not have you talking to her like that. She’s a fine woman and will take good care of you all. This is for the benefit of our family.”
“Have you forgotten Mama? How could you try to replace her?” Tears filled Ruby’s eyes as she stepped right up to Nellie. “I hate you, and you will never be my mother.”
Before Nellie could answer, Ruby turned and ran through the crowd. She should have known this wasn’t going to be easy. Nellie took a step forward, but Luke held out his free hand. “No,” he said. “I should go.”
He held out Maeve to Nellie. “Maevey, Papa will be back soon. Be a good girl for Nellie.”
As Nellie took the little girl, Luke turned his attention to Amos. “Please be good for Nellie.”
The little boy nodded but did not speak.
“Myrna, could you please show Nellie to our house? Help her get settled?”
With a sigh, Luke turned his attention to Nellie. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know she would react this way. I’ll be home as soon as I can.”
Before either Nellie or Mrs. Fitzgerald could answer, Luke was gone. Nellie didn’t blame him. The worry for his daughter’s safety was written all over his face. Though many of the new arrivals on the train had already left the station, several people still milled about, and this was no place for a child on her own. Even one who thought she was an adult.
“Well,” Mrs. Fitzgerald said. “Isn’t this a fine pickle we’re all in?”
“I’m so sorry for the trouble,” Nellie said. “I would greatly appreciate any assistance you can give.”
Mrs. Fitzgerald nodded slowly. “I suppose this wasn’t quite the situation advertised. It never is. But I do hope you’ll give it a chance before getting back on the train.”
“Who said I was leaving? I know we didn’t do it right and proper in a church, but I am legally Luke’s wife. I have the papers in my bag to prove it.” Nellie gestured to the bag one of the porters had set beside her. “Which means I made a promise. And you don’t break a promise simply because a child doesn’t like it.”
Adjusting Maeve on her hip, Nellie bent in front of Amos. “I know I am not your mother, but I promised your father I would help him, and that I would look after you. So let’s get to know one another and see if we can’t find a way to someday be friends.”
Bright blue eyes that matched his father’s looked up at Nellie. “Do I have to call you mama?”
“You may call me Nellie, or any other name you choose. As long as it’s nice. I know you love your mother very much, and it’s all right to miss her. I hope you will teach me some of the traditions she taught you so that we may continue them. I want you to remember her fondly. From what your father tells me, she was a good woman, and you are very blessed to have had her.”
Nellie knew her speech was inadequate, given the circumstances, but hopefully it would be enough to earn the boy’s trust.
“Can you make chocolate cake?” he asked.
“I can,” Nellie said. “I can cook a good many things, and I would be pleased to prepare your favorite meals, if you will tell me what they are.” She gave him a smile, hoping he’d see her as someone he could count on, rather than an adversary.
“Anything but eggs,” Amos said, sighing. “I sure am tired of eating eggs all the time. That’s about all Ruby can cook, and when she tries other things, they’re disgusting.”
“I’m sure Ruby does her best. You should be grateful for a sister who takes such good care of you. But hopefully, now that I’m here, you two can go back to being friends and playing with each other, and I will take care of the family.”
Again, she tried to sound as pleasant as she could. At least he wasn’t running away, too.
Amos nodded as he eyed her. “I suppose we can give it a try. So long as we get chocolate cake once in a while. I do like chocolate cake, and the only time I get it is if we go to the Fitzgeralds’ house or if there is a special dinner at church. But Papa doesn’t let us go to church anymore.”
Then he looked up at Mrs. Fitzgerald. “And Papa says it’s rude to always ask Mrs. Fitzgerald to make us chocolate cake. So I suppose, if you’re Papa’s wife, I can ask you.”
The little boy looked rather pleased with himself as he came to this conclusion. Nellie smiled. Clearly winning him over wouldn’t be as difficult as his older sister. And Maeve was already playing with the locket Nellie wore around her neck.
“How about, o
nce I’m able to assess the situation at the house and find out how much money I’m allowed for groceries, I can make us a nice meal to celebrate our marriage, and we’ll have chocolate cake for dessert?”
Mrs. Fitzgerald smiled as she joined the conversation. “I think that sounds like a lovely idea. However, may I suggest that you allow me to prepare a wedding supper for you both and invite our friends and neighbors so they may all meet you? I’m sure you are probably eager to get settled in your own home and prepare your family’s meals. However, I think it would be best for you to take the time to get to know your household first.”
“I would greatly appreciate it,” Nellie said. “But I would like to check with Luke to make sure he has no objection.”
This was one more thing they hadn’t discussed. What were the rules about entertaining? Did Luke have friends other than the Fitzgeralds and those at church he was currently avoiding? Longing filled Nellie’s heart as she remembered how Ernest had cut her off from all social interactions, save for when she was required to serve him and his friends. She’d become a maid rather than a wife.
What role would she play in Luke’s home? The children had been expecting a nanny, not a mother, and though Nellie would not expect them to accept her as such so soon, what was she to be to them? A glorified servant? Or something more?
Her stomach twisted again as she realized she did not know the answer.
Fortunately, Mrs. Fitzgerald’s smile eased some of Nellie’s nervousness. At least to this woman, Nellie was something more than a mere servant. Perhaps in time, they could be friends.
“Absolutely. However, I must insist that you and the family dine with us tonight because I know the state of your kitchen, and it is too much to ask of any woman to come home after such a journey and be expected to prepare a meal.”
Nellie smiled at the other woman. “I accept. Thank you for your kindness. Luke has spoken of your friendship, and I can already see why he values you so.” Maeve began fussing like she wanted to get down and play. Nellie patted her back gently. “There now, we’ll be home soon and then you can be free, and your brother can show me around.”
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