Toxic

by Jacqui Rose

  And suddenly it all came flooding back to Bree. The bottle she’d found. The morphine. She stared in horror at Ma. ‘You … you fed me morphine. This is all because of you.’

  Bree broke down crying. She screamed. ‘Why would you do this to me? What did I ever do to you, Ma? What?’

  Ma, sitting heavily on the pink cotton sheet covering the bed, looked at Bree nastily, her tone full of malice. ‘If only you’d listened to me when I told you to, none of this would’ve happened. You were the one who got yourself into this situation.’

  ‘I want my baby!’

  ‘All in good time Bree, when you’re well. When you know what’s good for you. When you learn to listen.’

  Bree scrunched up the sheets in her hand, clinging on to them as she rocked back and forth. ‘You can’t do this! You can’t do this!’

  ‘Take this. Drink this, it will make you feel better. Calm you down a bit.’

  Bree hit out, knocking the drink out of Ma’s hand. ‘I don’t want it! I don’t want it!’

  Coldly, Ma said, ‘You might not want it, but that don’t mean you don’t need it. Give it an hour and you’ll be begging me for it. Climbing those walls.’

  Bree covered her face, huge tears running down her cheeks.

  ‘Why, Ma? Why? Why did you do it to me?’

  ‘I’ve already told you. Nobody leaves Ma.’

  Ma turned her head slightly, shouting over her shoulder. ‘Johnny! Johnny! Come in here! Our sleeping beauty’s finally woken up and talking.’

  A few seconds later, Johnny Dwyer appeared at the door looking tall and handsome, his Romany features darkening as he stared at Bree. ‘Hello Bree, thought you’d never wake up properly. It was a job to feed and bathe you, you were so far gone. Ain’t that right, Ma?’

  Ma grinned. ‘It was and now she’s all yours, Johnny. Your reward.’

  Bree glanced at Ma, then at Johnny. Her eyes filled with tears. ‘Please, what are you talking about?’

  Emotionless, Ma stared back. ‘Shut up and listen. This is how it’s going to go. You’re going to stay here and be with Johnny …’

  ‘… What! No!’

  Ma leant across to Bree, putting her fat, nail-bitten finger on her lips. ‘If you know what’s good for you, I’d listen. You’ll be with Johnny now.’

  ‘I won’t! I won’t do it!

  Ma spoke coldly. ‘It’s up to you, Bree. Leave here if that’s what you want, but I can’t promise you’ll ever get your family back from Ireland if you do. And it’s no good reporting it either, the birth was never registered, and you never went to the doctor, so there’s nobody apart from us who knew you were pregnant. And if you do leave here and decide not to be with Johnny, then the thing is, I can’t promise I’ll be able to keep Ryan safe. I can’t promise we ain’t going to hurt him.’

  Bree shook her head, horrified. ‘Please, no!’

  Ma shrugged. ‘It’s your choice. And don’t worry, once you learn to stay here without complaint and do exactly as you’re told, we’ll even help to wean you off that stuff. We’re here for you Bree … Ma’s always here for you. But in the meantime …’ She stopped to chuckle at her own joke. ‘… Here’s Johnny!’

  At that point, Ma Dwyer got up and left the room and Johnny slowly began to undo his belt.

  59

  It was three in the morning and Alfie couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t been able to sleep properly since the day he saw Bree. He was restless and his mind wasn’t on the upcoming deal, which he knew could be dangerous because although he trusted Perry, well as far as anyone trusted anyone in the game they were in, he realised he had to be on the ball, especially as the whole of Essex seemed to be wanting to put their hands on the rocks. The whole of the South East even, and the Med too. And right now, he was so far from being on the ball, it was untrue. He needed to concentrate.

  The problem was how, though? How could he focus and push Bree aside in his mind, because it wasn’t happening, no matter how much he tried, how much he thought of the diamonds. Although he’d rather not, he needed to make plans, he needed to speak to Vaughn and Frankie about the handover with Perry before it went down, and – much as it was on his mind that he was still no closer to contacting Sandra – the fact was he just didn’t care about any of it enough.

  All he could think of was Bree and the hours they’d spent together. He could still smell her perfume on the pillows and he could still remember how she’d felt, and damn it, he wanted her again so badly it actually hurt.

  In the darkness his phone beeped loudly, vibrating furiously and causing the packet of gum on the bedside table to jump and dance around in circles. Pulling himself slowly away from his thoughts, Alfie rolled onto his side. He reached across, picking up his phone to look at the text. It was from Bree.

  You there Alfie? It’s Bree by the way.

  Alfie smiled, feeling a rush in his stomach and it didn’t escape his notice that the last time he’d felt so connected, so consumed by a woman was when he was with Franny. It also didn’t escape his notice that when he thought of Franny now, it wasn’t like someone had punched him in the stomach, in fact he didn’t really picture her at all. She’d made it clear from what she’d done that she didn’t want to know, so the only thing he wanted from Franny now was his money.

  Flicking on the light, Alfie lay back on his pillow, reread the text, thought for a moment and then replied.

  I know who it is, silly! You ok? It’s good to hear from you, but what are you doing awake at this time of night? It’s late!!!!

  I could ask you the same question!

  I asked first!

  Stuff on my mind.

  Want to share?

  Oh, it’s nothing. Just sometimes my mind races overtime.

  I hate it when that happens, my mind does that all the time, sometimes I wake up and I still think I’m married to Janine. Thank yourself lucky you don’t have that, you’d never sleep again … But seriously, are you sure you’re ok though?

  Yeah, I’m fine. You? You still got that job lined up for next week?

  Yeah and yeah.

  That’s great. I’m pleased for you. So how about you take me out to dinner afterwards? We can celebrate your success. We’ll go Dutch though!

  I’d love to take you out to dinner but no chance on going Dutch, I’ve never let a lady pay. Not now. Not ever. Call me old fashioned!

  Who says I’m a lady ;)

  Alfie read and reread the last text and closed his eyes, resting the phone by his side; trying not to let his mind drift to what she might mean; trying not to let his mind get lost in his desires; and trying desperately not to picture her perfect, naked body. He exhaled once, twice, wanting to be a gentleman. Finally, he wrote back.

  Been thinking of you by the way …

  All good I hope!!!

  Ha maybe! So, you fancy going out after I’ve sorted this job?

  That would be nice … I’d like that.

  Ok, it’s a date????

  Yes. I’m looking forward to it.

  Me too Bree. I’ll call you soon.

  Ok … Night night xxx

  Night night xxx

  Bree put the phone on the table. She looked up at Eddie, Ma and Johnny who sat opposite her in the kitchen of their mobile home. It was Johnny who spoke first.

  ‘Well, Bree?’

  She looked down at her phone, feeling the warmth in the messages Alfie had sent her and hating herself she whispered, ‘It looks like the job’s still on. The deal’s still going ahead.’

  60

  Vaughn looked at Alfie. There was something different about him today. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He seemed distracted, subdued, like his mind was on something else. But perhaps that was just because Alfie hadn’t wanted to come to meet him and Frankie. Perhaps he was just annoyed that they hadn’t given him any choice. Or perhaps Alfie was having second thoughts about going into business with him, looking for a way out.

  Who knew, maybe even after everythi
ng Franny had done, Alfie missed her, like he missed Casey. The problem was neither of them spoke about their feelings. Even thinking about feelings made him feel stupid. All of them had been brought up to be hard men, tough men, men that don’t cry. And although he had no desire to start bringing out the Kleenex, and he was still angry with Alfie, it would have been nice on occasion over the years to have known that they could talk and make sure one another was alright.

  Throwing down a large submachine gun on the bed in the B&B, Vaughn nodded to Frankie. ‘You think we got enough here? It ain’t as easy as it once was to get cheap, untraceable guns. I had to pull out all the stops with old acquaintances who weren’t so keen to give them up. I hope there ain’t any nasty surprises with Perry.’

  Frankie picked up one of the Uzis that lay on the bed with the pile of other semi-automatic weapons. ‘Yeah, I think this will sort us. I’m not seeing any problem with Perry. It’s the rest of them that I worry about. But the drop-off is at the perfect place, and Perry says he’s kept it under the radar, so he ain’t been blabbing. It’s still hush-hush. So, we don’t have to go overboard, these will do just as a precaution.’

  Janine, spitting on one of the guns and then wiping a smudge off, spoke over her shoulder to Frankie. ‘Precaution is putting a condom on your dick when you sleep with some Tom. Sorry Lola, no offence …’

  Lola was eating a bowl of cereal and shrugged. ‘None taken.’

  ‘… Not a bed full of guns.’

  Frankie frowned, taking the gun back from Janine. ‘You’re a bit handy with that, girl. It’s loaded you know, and what you doing spitting all over it, you dozy mare? You got your DNA on it now! Bleedin’ hell. Rein her in, Alfie.’

  Janine picked a honey puff out of Lola’s bowl and scowled. ‘Listen Frank, I don’t know who you think you are but let me tell you, I can whip out ammunition and clean a weapon quicker than I can get me knickers off.’

  ‘And believe me Frank, that ain’t a sight you want to see,’ Alfie said with a raised eyebrow. ‘It’s like seeing Medusa’s fucking head. The sight of Janine with her Alan Whickers round her ankles will turn you to stone.’

  Not impressed, Janine glared at Alfie as she bit into a strawberry jam waffle. ‘You’re the fucking comedian today, ain’t you? What’s wrong with you anyway? You licking your wounds now you’ve had to do a U-turn after your dramatic exit?’

  ‘Only a mug would go and meet Perry without sorting out the last bits and pieces, and I ain’t a mug.’

  Cuttingly, Janine said, ‘So how is Sandra?’

  Not wanting to divulge to any of those assembled that he still hadn’t been able to contact her, Alfie gave Janine a tight smile. ‘She’s great. Sends her love to everyone. She’s been away. Decided to take a trip down to Devon to see one of her pals. Satisfied?’

  Janine turned her head to one side, staring at Alfie as he stared back, playing his best poker face. ‘I think you’re hiding something Alf?’

  Alfie sighed. ‘Think what you like Jan, you always do. But in the meantime, let’s finish up here. I need to get off in a minute … So, Frank, Vaughn, we’re all agreed we’ll meet at the Peldon Rose pub on Mersea Road? We’ll just take one car across to the island, and we’ll leave mine around the corner from the pub. There’s a cul-de-sac which ain’t got no CCTV. It’s perfect. We should be able to do the drop-off and get back within three hours. It should run like clockwork.’

  Vaughn gave a wry smile. ‘The last time you said that Alfie, we all ended getting banged up.’

  As Alfie headed for the door, he shrugged. ‘What can I say? This time I feel lucky. I’ll see you Tuesday.’

  As Alfie walked down the landing of the B&B, Vaughn rushed after him.

  ‘Alf, wait. Listen up! Are you alright mate? Look, I know we ain’t been seeing eye to eye and we’ve got a lot to sort out, and I ain’t saying I’m not still pissed off with you, but you seem a bit distracted. And now of all times, we’ve got to be on the ball.’

  ‘I’m sweet as.’

  ‘Are you sure? I know we haven’t been close and the stress of everything has driven a bit of a wedge between us. But you know you can talk to me, right?’

  Alfie, still annoyed with Vaughn, stared at him as if he’d just grown two heads. ‘Hold on, did I just hear right?’

  Straight-faced, Vaughn said, ‘Look, men need to talk too.’

  Alfie placed his hand on Vaughn’s shoulder, a small smile at the corner of his mouth.

  ‘I don’t know if you’ve been reading them magazines Janine and Lola left lying around or what, but you need to put them down and step away if you have. You’re going stir crazy in there with them two. If anybody needs to talk, it’s you. To yourself. Look in the mirror mate and have a word.’

  Alfie turned to walk away but then said, ‘But it’s all going to be fine. Stop worrying.’

  Irritated by Alfie’s knock-back, Vaughn said, ‘I’ve known you a long time Alf, and I know there’s something you ain’t telling us. Can’t help worrying because we can’t afford for this to go wrong. None of us can. I don’t want to pick up any more pieces.’

  Alfie tried to hide his smile as he thought about Bree. ‘Vaughnie, listen to me. Stop. I’m fine. It’s fine. In fact, things haven’t been this fine for a long time.’

  Bree sat by the toilet, throwing several pieces of tissue paper into the bowl before covering her mouth with a towel in the small but pretty bathroom, trying desperately to mute the sound of her vomiting travelling through the whole of the mobile home.

  Nerves always made her ill, and every time she thought of Alfie it made her feel sick. She took a sharp intake of breath, trembling as she drew herself up to the basin. What was she doing? How had it even come to this? When was the moment she’d become like this? Was it Monday? Was it Tuesday? Was it last week? Last year? When had the door been closed and locked on her escape? How was she supposed to look at herself when she hated what she saw? And how could she live with herself when she was going to do this to Alfie?

  She stared at herself in the mirror before suddenly picking up the hairbrush on the side, smashing it into the glass, over and over again.

  ‘What’s going on in there? What’s that noise?’

  Bree jumped, forgetting Ma was in the lounge. She shouted through the bathroom door, leaning the weight of her head against the cabinet as tears rolled down her face.

  ‘Sorry, I closed the bathroom cabinet too quickly, the mirror’s broken!’

  ‘Well make sure you clean it up. I swear to you Bree, if I get a piece of glass stuck in me foot, you won’t know what’s coming, lady!’

  Bending down to pick the pieces of mirror out of the basin, Bree saw the small drops of blood. She touched her forehead feeling the tiny grains of glass that had got stuck in her skin. She hadn’t even noticed the pain.

  Washing her face carefully, the water mixing with her tears, Bree heard Kieran outside the window, shouting to Ma.

  ‘I’m going up to the woods.’

  ‘Well make sure you’re back before tea, Kieran. And put a jacket on, this ain’t the Costa del Sol.’

  ‘It’s fine, I won’t be long.’

  ‘Suit yourself, but don’t come complaining to me if you get cold. Off you go then, have some fun.’

  Quickly, Bree ran out of the bathroom, not bothering to dry her face. She wanted to see where Kieran was going. He’d been so secretive and withdrawn and it’d only got worse since the day Molly had fallen in the river.

  She’d tried to talk to him about Molly, about what she’d said about him hurting her. But each time she’d tried, he’d lashed out or clammed up, or Ma or Johnny had been about. But whatever it was, whatever was troubling Kieran, she was determined to get to the bottom of it.

  Running through the fields, Bree found herself having to duck down by the hedges and fences, by the bushes and streams, as Kieran constantly stopped to look around, checking nobody was following.

  She watched him as he got to the woods on the hil
l, and for a moment she thought he’d spotted her as he stared intently in her direction, but an instant later he turned, continuing to run through the copse.

  Coming out of her hiding place, Bree cautiously began to follow.

  ‘Bree!’

  Startled, she stepped back. ‘Ryan! You gave me a fright! What are you doing?’

  ‘Kittens. My kittens. Can’t find them.’

  She smiled at Ryan, but she was distracted and her eyes flitted and darted towards where Kieran was going. ‘Ryan, why don’t you go home. I’ve got to do something. Go on.’

  ‘No. I want my kittens.’

  ‘You’ve lost them again? Oh Ryan, what am I going to do with you?’

  ‘Hit me.’

  Bree flinched, knowing exactly who those words had come from. ‘No Ryan, that’s not me. I’ll never hit you ever. You know that, don’t you?’

  She sighed as she saw Kieran disappear out of view. She wanted to follow, to find out why it was Molly had become so frightened of him, but she wasn’t going to leave Ryan. So, giving one last glance towards the woods, Bree took hold of Ryan’s hand and kissed him gently on his face.

  ‘It seems like I ain’t been on me own with you for ages. I’ve missed you.’

  His face lit up. ‘Missed you.’

  ‘You’re funny, Ryan and I love you.’ She giggled, but the moment was bitter sweet.

  ‘I love you.’

  She took a deep breath, looking deep into Ryan’s eyes. ‘Are you okay? Sometimes I just don’t know.’

  Ryan stared at her without saying a word then watched a bird pick up a twig before flying away.

  Bree squeezed his hand. ‘That will be us one day, Ryan. We’ll get away and we’ll be as free as that bird. You and me.’

  He nodded, ‘You and me, Bree.’

  Her smile light up her eyes. ‘That’s right, Ryan, you and me, like we once planned. Remember? But I promise you, I promise I’ll figure out a way of getting us out of here.’